Invitation In Place Of Returned Visit

Books on etiquette seem agreed that sending an invitation does not cancel the obligation of paying a visit—which may be technically correct—but fashionable people, who are in the habit of lunching or dining with each other two or three times a season, pay no attention to visits whatever. Mrs. Norman calls on Mrs. Gilding. Mrs. Gilding invites the Normans to dinner. They go. A short time afterward Mrs. Norman invites the Gildings—or the Gildings very likely again invite the Normans. Some evening at all events, the Gildings dine with the Normans. Someday, if Mrs. Gilding happens to be leaving cards, she may leave them at the Normans—or she may not. Some people leave cards almost like the " hares" in a paper chase; others seldom if ever do. Except on the occasions mentioned in the paragraph before this, or unless there is an illness, a death, a birth, or a marriage, people in society invite each other to their houses and don't leave cards at all. Nor do they ever consider whose " turn" it is to invite whom.

" Not At Home"

When a servant at a door says " Not at home, " this phrase means that the lady of the house is " Not at home to visitors." This answer neither signifies nor implies—nor is it intended to—that Mrs. Jones is out of the house. Some people say " Not receiving, " which means actually the same thing, but the " not at home" is infinitely more polite; since in the former you know she is in the house but won't see you, whereas in the latter case you have the pleasant uncertainty that it is quite possible she is out.

To be told " Mrs. Jones is at home but doesn't want to see you, " would certainly be unpleasant. And to " beg to be excused" —except in a case of illness or bereavement—has something very suggestive of a cold shoulder. But " not at home" means that she is not sitting in the drawing room behind her tea tray; that and nothing else. She may be out or she may be lying down or otherwise occupied. Nor do people of the world find the slightest objection if a hostess, happening to recognize the visitor as a particular friend, calls out, " Do come in! I am at home to you! " Anyone who talks about this phrase as being a " white lie" either doesn't understand the meaning of the words, or is going very far afield to look for untruth. To be consistent, these over-literals should also exact that when a guest inadvertently knocks over a tea cup and stains a sofa, the hostess instead of saying " It is nothing at all! Please don't worry about it, " ought for the sake of truth to say, " See what your clumsiness has done! You have ruined my sofa! " And when someone says " How are you? " instead of answering " Very well, thank you, " the same truthful one should perhaps take an hour by the clock and mention every symptom of indisposition that she can accurately subscribe to.

While " not at home" is merely a phrase of politeness, to say " I am out " after a card has been brought to you is both an untruth and an inexcusable rudeness. Or to have an inquiry answered, " I don't know, but I'll see, " and then to have the servant, after taking a card, come back with the message " Mrs. Jones is out" can not fail to make the visitor feel rebuffed. Once a card has been admitted, the visitor must be admitted also, no matter how inconvenient receiving her may be. You may send a message that you are dressing but will be very glad to see her if she can wait ten minutes. The visitor can either wait or say she is pressed for time. But if she does not wait, then she is rather discourteous.

Therefore, it is of the utmost importance always to leave directions at the door such as, " Mrs. Jones is not at home." " Miss Jones will be home at five o'clock, " " Mrs. Jones will be home at 5.30, " or Mrs. Jones " is at home" in the library to intimate friends, but " not at home" in the drawing-room to acquaintances. It is a nuisance to be obliged to remember either to turn an " in" and " out" card in the hail, or to ring a bell and say, " I am going out, " and again, " I have come in." But whatever plan or arrangement you choose, no one at your front door should be left in doubt and then repulsed. It is not only bad manners, it is bad housekeeping.