Tolerating Distress

Everyone at times has difficulty tolerating distress. That’s no surprise, of course; distress is distressing! All things being equal, most people probably would not choose to feel as often as they do such intense negative emotions as severe anxiety, shame, anger, sadness, or guilt. They’d probably choose to not have extremely overwhelming or stressful things happen either, or to experience repeated, upsetting, or unwanted thoughts. But, the fact is that these things do happen, and for many people these experiences can become so overwhelming that they simply don’t know what to do.

Distress tolerance skills are designed to help in exactly those moments when you feel overwhelmed and need to do something to ride out an emotional storm until things can change. It’s important to remember that distress tolerance skills won’t necessarily solve your problems, but they will help you to tolerate or deal with them without making anything worse.

Let’s say that you just lost your job; your partner has left you; and you feel unbelievably hurt, anxious, and overwhelmed. Here are some examples of different ways to react. You might notice that you’ve done some of these things yourself.

· Ruminate and think it to death. You could ask yourself why this is happening to you. Really dig deep into your brain and think about why you feel the way you do and why these upsetting things keep happening to you. Run it again and again in your mind until you’ve turned over every possible leaf and come up with some explanation. Worry and think about all the implications, what might be wrong with you (like that you are unlovable and will never have another partner, or that you’re not smart or organized enough to hold a job), and what bad things might happen in the future. If you’re familiar with this way of coping, you probably also have noticed that it is one straight path to distress, despair, and agony.

· Escape at all costs. Another way to cope is to do your best to simply escape your feelings and your situations at all costs. You might try to avoid all thoughts about your job loss or your breakup; procrastinate and avoid doing anything about it; suppress, clamp down on, or get rid of any emotions that pop up; or use alcohol, drugs, self-­harm, binge eating, or other coping methods to escape your feelings and get some relief. If you’ve done this—­and many people have, from time to time—­you might have noticed that this way of dealing with things not only doesn’t solve your problems but also creates more problems.

· Use distress tolerance skills. Finally, another way to deal with an overwhelming situation is to practice tolerating your emotions, your thoughts, and the situation itself. For instance, you might temporarily distract yourself from overwhelming emotions and thoughts by spending time with others, getting involved in an activity that grabs your attention, or doing physical exercise or something else, until you feel calmer and better able to think and plan. You could also soothe yourself by doing something calming, such as listening to relaxing music, doing artwork, or taking a warm bath. You also could try not to struggle with your emotions or thoughts; accept them, letting them come and go; remind yourself that your reactions are understandable; and do your best to accept (at least for now) that you are in an incredibly upsetting situation.

This third way of coping is exactly what the distress tolerance skills are all about. It may not sound easy to do these things, but with practice, it gets easier.