Getting what you want out of your interactions

So, how does this set of skills work? Well, the first step is to figure out what you want out of the interaction (Linehan 1993b). What are your goals? What are you trying to achieve? Do you want to say no to a request or get something specific from someone else? The first step is to figure out what you want.

Next, develop a script for stating your needs and asking for what you want. Begin by explaining the situation as clearly as possible. Make sure to describe it objectively. Next, let the person know how you feel about the situation using “I feel” and “I think” statements. This is the time when you can explain your opinions about the situation and where you are coming from. Then, state your needs and what you want out of the situation. Be as specific as possible and directly state what it is that you want the person to do. Finally, explain how doing what you ask or giving you what you need will benefit the other person. This is a step that is not always found in basic assertiveness training, but we believe it is incredibly important. Basically, the goal of this final step is to make it clear to the other person up front that there are benefits to doing what you ask and that giving you what you need can be a win-­win situation (or at least can help the other person in some important ways). See the Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder (Linehan 1993b) for more specifics on these skills.

Now, as you probably know by now, getting your needs met is usually not as simple as just asking for what you want. Often, other people may not be able or willing to give you everything you ask for, no matter how skillfully you ask! Therefore, once you have figured out what it is you want and how to go about asking for it, there is one more step you need to take to prepare for this interaction. Specifically, you need to think about the compromises you are willing to make if the other person cannot or will not give you everything you are asking for. Thinking this through ahead of time is really important. It can be hard to think on your feet and consider all of the consequences of various options when you are in the middle of an interaction and experiencing anxiety. So, do your homework and identify the compromises that are and are not acceptable to you. This will go a long way in making the interaction go as smoothly as possible if you encounter any roadblocks. Exercise 10.5 walks you through the process of getting your needs met step by step. Use this exercise to plan for an upcoming interaction.

Exercise 10.5 Steps for Getting Your Needs Met in Interpersonal Interactions

1. Clarify your goals for the interactions. Ask yourself the following:

What do I want out of this interaction? What are my goals for this interaction?

2. Develop a script for stating your needs and describing what you want. Be sure to complete all of the following sections.

Explain the situation:

Let the person know how you feel about the situation, using “I feel” and “I think” statements:

State your needs and what you want out of the situation. Be as specific as possible:

Clarify up front how this will benefit the other person. Explain why giving you what you need or accepting your request will make things better for the other person:

Identify compromises you are willing to make. Make sure that you have thought about this ahead of time. Even if you don’t have to offer a compromise, it is good to know how much you are willing to bend or give to reach an agreement. Write down the compromises you are willing to make here:

3. Practice this script until you feel comfortable with it. Practice as many times as you need to. Try it out in front of a mirror, or with a close friend or loved one. Focus on your nonverbal behaviors (tone of voice, facial expressions) in addition to the words you are saying.

4. When you feel prepared (which does not mean you won’t feel anxious), approach the other person and ask for what you want. Keep in mind that this skill (just like all of the others we have taught you) gets easier with practice. The more you practice asking for what you want in relationships, the more comfortable you will become and the more likely you will be to get some of your needs met! You may also want to pair this skill with some of the skills we taught you for tolerating anxiety, including deep breathing and PMR.

Balance your needs with those of your relationships. In the same way that the DBT mindfulness skills we described earlier specify not just what to do but how to do it, the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills also focus a lot on how to say the things you are going to say and the most effective way of delivering your request (Linehan 1993b). The following are pointers to keep in mind when asking for what you want or need in a relationship.

· Always keep the purpose of the interaction in mind; don’t bring up other issues or allow yourself to be distracted. It can be really easy when discussing concerns you have about someone’s behavior to fall into the trap of bringing up other relationship issues or other things you are upset about. As much as possible, try not to do this. Instead, keep the purpose of the particular interaction at hand in mind and try to stick to just that topic. This will probably be far more effective than bringing up other issues or conflicts from the past.

· Express yourself clearly, using a calm, confident tone. Focus on keeping your voice at a normal volume, refraining from raising your voice or speaking too softly. Focus on having a relaxed posture and facial expression. This will help you feel more relaxed. Make sure to maintain eye contact when you are speaking.

· Be respectful of the person with whom you are interacting. Listen to the person’s response and validate her or his perspective and feelings on the issue. Even if you disagree with the person, respect the validity of her or his position.

· Be direct and genuine in the interaction. State your position clearly and honestly, and do not lie or make up excuses. Be true to your point of view and the validity of your request.

We realize that being assertive in relationships can seem like a very daunting task. Even for people without social anxiety, negotiating relationships is hard work and can be a stressful experience. In the end, though, expressing your needs and asserting yourself will only make your relationships stronger and more fulfilling. And, just as with all of the other skills we have taught you, the more you practice these skills, the easier they will become and the more comfortable you will get with them. So, think about what you want out of some upcoming interactions and use the previous steps to help you get your needs met. Remember, you deserve this!