Chapter 13

RICHARD SAT AWAY FROM the camp, leaning against a cold rock, his cloak wrapped tightly around himself as he looked out toward the boundary. What little wind there was bore a breath of ice. Chase had given him the first watch, Zedd was to have the second, and the warden the third. Kahlan had protested when she wasn't given a watch, but in the end went along with Chase's wishes.

Moonlight illuminated the open land between where he sat and the boundary. It was an expanse of gentle hills, a few trees and small streams; a pleasant-looking place, considering how near it was to the grim boundary woods. Of course, the woods had probably been pleasant at one time, too, before Darken Rahl had put the boxes in play, and started the destruction of the boundary. Chase had said he didn't think the heart hounds could stray this far, but if he was wrong, Richard intended to see them coming. He ran his hand over the hilt of his sword for reassurance, fingering the word Truth on it, tracing its raised letters absently while he scanned the night sky, vowing not to let the gars take him by surprise again. He was glad he was given the first watch, since he wasn't sleepy. He was fatigued, but not sleepy. Still, he yawned.

The mountains that were part of the boundary lay off at the edge of darkness, beyond the tangle mat of woods, rising up like the spine of a dark beast too big to hide itself. Richard wondered what manner of things were looking back at him from that black maw. Chase had said the boundary mountains diminished as they went south, and would be all but gone where they were going.

Unexpectedly, Kahlan, her cloak also wrapped snug about, slipped up silently in the darkness and wedged herself tight against him for warmth. She didn't talk, simply sat close. Stray wisps of her silky hair touched the side of his face. The handle of her knife jabbed into his side, but he didn't say anything for fear that if he did she would move away. He didn't want her to move.

" The others asleep? " he asked quietly, glancing over his shoulder. She nodded. " How can you tell? " he asked with a smile. " Zedd sleeps with his eyes open."

She smiled back. " All wizards do."

" Really? I thought it was just Zedd."

As he scanned the valley for any movement, he could feel her eyes on him. He looked back at her. " Aren't you sleepy? " She was so close he didn't have to speak in much more than a whisper.

She shrugged. The light breeze pulled some of her long hair across her face. She reached up and pulled it back. Her eyes found his. " I wanted to, tell you I was sorry."

He wished she would lay her head on his shoulder, but she didn't. " About what? "

" About what I said to you before, that I wouldn't want you to come after me. I did not want you to think I don't appreciate your friendship; I do. It's just that what we are doing is more important than any one person."

He knew she had meant much more than she said, just as he had. He looked into her eyes, felt her breath on, his face.

" Kahlan, do you have someone? " He feared the arrow to his heart, but had to ask. " Someone at home who waits for you, I mean? A love? "

He held the gaze of her green eyes for a long time. She didn't look away, but her eyes filled with tears. More than anything he wanted to put his arms around her and kiss her.

She reached up, letting the backs of her- fingers brush his face gently. She cleared her throat. " It is not that simple, Richard."

" Yes it is. Either you do or you don't."

" I have obligations."

For a time it seemed she was going to tell him something, tell him her secret.

She looked so beautiful in the moonlight, but it wasn't only the way she looked, it was what was inside her, everything from her intelligence and courage to her wit, and the special smile she gave only to him. He would slay a dragon, if there were such a thing, just to see that smile. He knew he would never want anyone else for as long as he lived. He would rather spend the rest of his life alone than with someone else. There could be no one else.

He desperately wanted to hug her close. He ached to taste her soft lips. But he was inexplicably getting the same feeling he had had before he crossed the bridge. It was a strong feeling of warning, stronger than his desire to kiss her. Something told him that if he did, it would be crossing one bridge too many. He remembered how the magic flared when she had touched his hand as he held the sword. He had been right about the bridge, so he didn't put his arms around her.

She broke the gaze with a glance to the ground. " Chase said the next two days are going to be rough. I guess I had better get some sleep."

He knew that whatever was going on in her head, he had no say in it. He couldn't force her. It was something she had to handle herself.

" You have an obligation to me too, " he said. She looked back to him with a questioning frown, and he smiled. " You have promised to be my guide. I intend to hold you to that promise."

She smiled and could only nod, too close to tears to speak. She kissed the end of her finger and pressed it against his cheek, then slipped back into the night.

Richard sat in the dark, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat. Long after she was gone he could still feel the place on his cheek where she had put her finger, her kiss

The night was so still that Richard felt as if he were the only one awake in- the whole world. Stars flickered, looking like Zedd's magic dust frozen in place as the moon stared silently down at him. Not even the wolves sang tonight. Loneliness threatened to crush him.

He found himself wishing something would attack just so he would have something else to think about. He pulled out his sword, and for something to do, polished its already gleaming blade with the corner of his cloak. It was his sword to use as he saw fit; that's what Zedd had told him. Whether Kahlan liked it or not, he was going to use it to protect her. She was hunted. Anything that tried to touch her was going to have to come through his sword first.

The thought of her hunters, the quads, and Darken Rahl made his anger heat. He wanted them to come now so he could put an end to the threat. He hungered for them. His heart pounded. His jaws clenched.

He realized suddenly that it was the sword's anger awakening his. The sword was free from its scabbard and the mere thought of something threatening Kahlan was making its anger, and his anger, come forth. He was startled at how it had seeped into him, so quiet, so unseen, so seductive. Simply perception, the wizard had said. What was the sword's magic perceiving in him?

Richard slid the sword back into its scabbard, put back the anger, feeling the gloom seep through him once again as he resumed his scan of the countryside and sky. He stood and walked around to relieve the cramps in his legs, then sat once more against the rock, inconsolable.

An hour before his watch was due to end, he heard quiet footsteps he recognized. It was Zedd, a piece of cheese in each hand, with no cloak, wearing only his simple robes.

" What are you doing up? It's not time for your watch yet."

" I thought you might like the company of a friend. Here, I brought you a piece of cheese."

" No, thanks. About the cheese, I mean. I could use the friend part, though."

Zedd sat down next to him, folded his bony knees up to his chest, and pulled the robes down over them, making himself the center of a little tent. " What's the problem? " Richard shrugged. " Kahlan, I guess." Zedd didn't say anything. Richard looked over. " She's the first thing in my mind when I wake and the last thing in my mind before I sleep. I've never felt like this before, Zedd, never felt this alone before."

" I see." Zedd laid the cheese on a rock.

" I know she likes me, but I get the feeling she's keeping me at arm's length. When we were setting up camp tonight, I told her that if it had been her, like Chase today, I would have come after her. A while ago she came out here to see me. She said she didn't want me coming after her, but she meant more than that. She meant she didn't want me coming after her, period."

" Good girl, " Zedd said under his breath.

" What? „.

" I said she's a good girl. We all like her. But Richard, she is other things, too. She has responsibilities."

Richard frowned at the old man. " And what are those other things? "

Zedd leaned back a little. " It's not for me to say. She is the one to answer that. I would have thought she would have done so by now." The old man put his arm around Richard's big shoulders. " If it makes you feel any better, the only reason she hasn't is because she cares for you more than she should. She is afraid of losing your friendship."

" You know about her secrets, and Chase knows; I can see it in his eyes. Everyone knows but me. She tried to tell me tonight,. but she couldn't. She shouldn't worry about losing my friendship. That won't happen."

" Richard, she is a wonderful person, but she is not the one for you. She can't be that."

" Why? "

Zedd plucked something off his sleeve as he spoke, avoiding Richard's eyes. " I gave my word I would allow her to be the one to tell you. You will just have to trust me; she cannot be what you want. Find another girl. The land is awash with them. Why, half of all the people are girls; there are plenty to pick from. Pick another."

Richard drew his knees up, folding his arms across them, looking away. " All right." Zedd looked up in surprise, then smiled and patted his young friend's back.

" All right on one condition, " Richard added as he scanned the boundary woods. " You answer one question, honestly, toasted toads honest. If you can answer yes, then I will do as you ask."

" One? Only one question? " Zedd asked cautiously, putting a bony finger to his thin bottom lip..

" One question."

Zedd thought about it a minute. " Very well. One question."

Richard turned his fierce eyes to the old man. " Before you married your wife, if someone-tell you what, let's make it even easier for you to say yes-if someone you trusted, a friend, someone you loved like a father, if that person had come to you, and said pick another, would you have done so? "

Zedd looked away from Richard's eyes and took a deep breath. " Bags. You would think by now I would have learned not to let a Seeker ask me a question." He picked up the cheese and took a bite.

" I thought as much."

Zedd threw the cheese away into the darkness. " That doesn't change the facts, Richard! It will not work between you two. I'm not saying this to hurt you. I love you like a son. If I could change the way the world works, I would. I wish it were not so, for your sake, but there is no way for it to work. Kahlan knows it, and if you try, you will only hurt her. I know you don't want that."

Richard's voice was calm, quiet. " You said it yourself. I am the Seeker. There is a way, and I will find it."

Zedd shook his head sadly. " I wish it were so, my boy, but it is not."

" Then what am I to do? " Richard asked in a broken whisper.

His old friend put his skinny arms around him and hugged him close in the darkness. Richard felt numb.

" Just be her friend, Richard. That's what she needs. But you can be nothing more."

Richard nodded in Zedd's arms.

After a few minutes the Seeker, a suspicious look in his eye, pushed away, holding the wizard at arm's length.

" What is it you came out here for? " " To sit with a friend."

Richard shook his head. " You came out here as wizard, away from the others, to counsel the Seeker. Now, tell me why you're here."

" Very well. I came here in my capacity as wizard, to tell the Seeker he almost made a serious mistake today."

Richard took his hands from Zedd's shoulders, but continued to hold his gaze. " I know that. A Seeker cannot put himself at risk when by so doing he puts everyone else at risk."

" But you were going to do it anyway, " Zedd pressed.

" When you named me Seeker, you took the bad with the good. I'm new at the responsibilities of the position. It's hard for me to see a friend in trouble and not help. I know I can't afford that luxury anymore. Consider me reprimanded."

Zedd smiled. " Well, that part went well." He sat a minute, his smile faded. " But Richard, the issue is bigger than just what happened today. You must understand that, as Seeker, you may cause the death of innocent people. In order to succeed in stopping Rahl you may have to turn away from those who might be saved with your help. A soldier knows that on the battlefield, if he bends to help a downed comrade, he might take a sword in the back, and so, if he is to win, he must fight on despite the cries for help from his fellows. You must be able to do this to win; it may be the only way. You must steel yourself to it. This is a struggle for survival, and in this battle the ones crying for help probably won't be soldiers, but innocents. Darken Rahl will kill anyone to win. Those who fight on his side will do the same. You may have to do the same. Like it or not, the aggressor makes the rules. You must play by them, or you will surely die by them."

" How could anyone fight on his side? Darken Rahl wants to dominate everyone, to be the master of all. How could they fight for him? "

The wizard leaned back against the rock and looked out over the hills, as if seeing more than was there. His tone was sorrowful. " Because, Richard, many people must be ruled to thrive. In their selfishness and greed, they see free people as their oppressors. They wish to have a leader who will cut the taller plants so the sun will reach them. They think no plant should be allowed to grow taller than the shortest, and in that way give light to all. They would rather be provided a guiding light, regardless of the fuel, than light a candle themselves.

" Some of them think that when RAI wins, he will smile on them, and they will be rewarded, and so they are as ruthless as he to gain his favor. Some are simply blind to the truth and fight for the lies, they hear. And some find, once that guiding light is lit, that they are wearing chains, and then it is too late." Zedd smoothed his sleeves down his arms as he sighed. " There have always been wars, Richard. Every war is a murderous struggle between foes. And yet, no army has ever marched into battle thinking that the Creator had sided with their enemy."

Richard shook his head. " It doesn't make sense."

" I am quite sure that Rahl's followers think we are bloodthirsty monsters, capable of anything. They will have been told endless tales of their enemy's ruthless brutality. I'm sure none of them know much about Darken Rahl except what they have been told by Darken Rahl." The wizard frowned, his intelligent eyes sharp. " It may be a perversion of logic, but that makes it no less threatening, or deadly. Rahl's followers need only to crush us, they don't have to understand anything else. But for you to win, against a stronger foe, you must use your head."

Richard ran his fingers through his hair. " That leaves me stuck in an awfully tight crack. I may have to let innocent people die, yet I can't kill Darken Rahl."

Zedd gave him a meaningful look. " No. I never said you couldn't kill Darken Rahl; I said you couldn't use the sword to kill him."

Richard looked intently over at his old friend, the moonlight dim on the other's angular face. Sparks of thought lit in the darkness of his mood.

" Zedd, " he asked quietly, " have, you had to do that? Have you had to let innocent people die? "

Zedd's face turned hard, and pensive. " In the last war, and again now, as we speak. Kahlan told me Rahl kills people to get my name. No one can give it, but he continues to kill in the hope someone will finally offer it. I could turn myself over to him to stop the killing, but then I wouldn't be able to help defeat him; and many more would die. It's a painful choice, let a few die horribly, or let even more die horribly."

" I'm sorry, my friend." Richard wrapped his cloak tighter about himself, chilled from without and from within. He looked back out over the still landscape, then back at Zedd. " I met the night wisp, Shar, before she died. She gave her life to get Kahlan here, so others might live. Kahlan also bears the burden of letting others die."

" She does, " Zedd said softly. " It makes my heart ache to know the things that girl's eyes have seen. And the things your eyes may have to see."

" Makes my problem about the two of us seem pretty small."

Zedd's expression was gentle with compassion. " But not hurt any less."

Richard made another scan of the countryside. " Zedd, one more thing. Before we reached your house, I offered Kahlan an apple." '

Zedd gave a surprised laugh. " You offered a red fruit to someone from the Midlands? That's tantamount to a death threat, my boy. In the Midlands, red fruit of any kind is deadly poison."

" Yes, I know that now, but I didn't at the time."

Zedd leaned over, lifting an eyebrow. " What did she say? "

Richard looked at him sideways. " It isn't what she said, it's what she did. She grabbed me by the throat. For a moment, I could see in her eyes that she was going to kill me. I don't know how she was going to kill me, but I'm sure she was going to do it. She hesitated long enough for me to explain. The point is, she was my friend, and she had saved my life several times, but in that instant she was going to kill me." Richard paused. " That's part of what you are saying, isn't it? "

Zedd let out a long breath and nodded. " It is. Richard, if you suspected I was a traitor, weren't sure, just suspected, and you knew that if it were true, our cause would be lost, would you be able to kill me? If you had no time or way to find the truth, only the strong belief I was a traitor, and only you knew, could you kill me on the spot? Could you come at me, your old friend, with lethal intent? With enough violence to see the job done? "

Zedd's stare burned into him. Richard was stunned. " I... I don't know." " Well, you had better know that you could, or you have no business going after Rahl. You won't have the resolve to live, to win. You may be called upon to make a life-and-death decision instantly. Kahlan knows this, she knows the consequences if she fails. She has the resolve."

" She hesitated, though. From what you're saying, she made a mistake. I could have overpowered her. She should have killed me before I had a chance to." Richard frowned. " And she would have been wrong."

Zedd shook his head slowly. " Don't flatter yourself, Richard. She had her hand on you. Anything you would have done wouldn't have been quick enough. All it would have taken is a thought on her part. She was in control and could afford to give you the chance to explain. She made no mistake."

A little shaken, Richard still wasn't ready to concede the issue. " But you wouldn't, you couldn't be a traitor to us, just as I would never hurt her. I don't see the point."

" The point is, even though I wouldn't, if I did, you have to be prepared to act. You have to have the strength to do even that, if necessary. The point is that even though Kahlan knew you were her friend, and wouldn't hurt her, when she thought you were trying to, she was prepared to act. If you hadn't quickly made her believe you, she would have."

Richard sat in silence for a moment, watching his friend. " Zedd, if it were the other way around, if you thought I was a danger to our cause, well, you know, could you...? "

The wizard leaned back, frowning, and without a hint of emotion in his voice, said, " In a twinkling."

The answer appalled Richard, but he understood what his friend was telling him, even if the-whole idea seemed farfetched; anything less than total commitment could spell their failure. If they faltered, Rahl would not be merciful. They would die. It was that simple.

" Still want to be Seeker? " Zedd asked.

Richard stared out at nothing. " Yes."

" Scared? "

" To the bone."

Zedd patted his knee. " Good. Me too. I would worry only if you were not." The Seeker gave the wizard an icy glare. " I intend to make Darken Rahl afraid too."

Zedd smiled and nodded. " You are going to make a good Seeker, my boy. Have faith."

Richard gave a mental shudder at the thought of Kahlan killing him just for offering her an apple. He frowned. " Zedd? Why are all red fruits in the Midlands deadly poison? It isn't natural."

The wizard gave a sorrowful shake of his head. " Because, Richard, children like red fruit."

Richard's frown deepened. " That doesn't make any sense."

Zedd looked down, pushing a bony finger at the dirt for a moment. " It was about this time of year, in the last war. The harvests were in. I had found a constructed magic. That's a magic made by wizards of long ago. Something like the boxes of Orden. It was a poison magic, specific to color, and only able to cast one spell, one time. I wasn't sure how it was used, but I knew it was dangerous." Zedd took a deep breath and put his hands in his lap. " Anyway, Panis Rahl got his hands on it, and figured out how to make it work. He knew children loved fruit, and wanted to strike a blow at our hearts. He used the magic to poison all red fruit. It's a little like the poison of the snake vine. Slow at first. It took time for us to realize what caused the fever, and death. Panis Rahl deliberately chose something he could be sure children, not just the adults, would eat." His voice was barely audible as he looked out into the darkness. " A lot of people died. A lot of children."

Richard's. eyes were wide. " If you found it, how did he get hold of it? "

Zedd looked into Richard's eyes with an expression that could have frozen a summer day. " I had a student, a young man I was training. One day I chanced upon him tinkering with something he shouldn't have been. I had an odd doubt about him. I knew something was wrong, but I was very fond of him and so I didn't act upon my suspicion. Instead, I decided to think on it for the night. The next morning, he was gone, and so was the constructed magic I had found. He had been a spy for Panis Rahl. If I had acted when I should have, and killed him, all those people, all those children, wouldn't have died."

Richard swallowed. " Zedd, you couldn't have known." He thought that maybe the old man was going to yell, or cry, or storm off, but instead he only shrugged. " Learn from my mistake, Richard. If you do, then all those lives won't have been lost for nothing. Maybe their story can be a lesson that will help save everyone from what Darken Rahl will do if he wins."

Richard rubbed his arms, trying to work a bit of warmth back into them. " Why isn't the red fruit in Westland poison? "

" All magic has limits. This had a limit of distance from where it was used. It stretched as far as where the boundary between Westland and the Midlands went up. The boundary couldn't be put up where any of the poison spell was, or Westland would have had magic in it."

Richard sat in the dark, cold silence and thought for a time. At last he asked, " Is there any way to get rid of it? To make the red fruit no longer poison? "

Zedd smiled. Richard thought it an odd thing to do, but he was glad to see it: " Thinking like a wizard, my boy. Thinking how to undo magic." He frowned in thought as he looked out into the night again. " There might be a way to remove the spell. I would have to study it and see what I could do. If we can defeat Darken Rahl, I intend to put my mind to the task."

" Good." Richard tugged his cloak tighter. " Everyone should be able to eat an apple when they want. Especially children." He looked over at the old man. " Zedd, I promise I will remember your lesson. I won't let you down. I won't let all those people who died be forgotten."

Zedd smiled and gave Richard's back an affectionate rub.

The two friends sat in silence, sharing the stillness of the night and the quiet of each other's understanding, thinking about what they could not know: what was to come.

Richard thought about what needed to be done, about Panis

Rahl, and about Darken Rahl. He thought about how hopeless everything seemed. Think about the solution, he told himself, not the problem; you are the Seeker.

" I need you to do something, wizard. I think it is time for us to disappear. Rahl has followed us long enough. What can you do about that cloud? "

" You know, I think you're right. I only wish I knew how it was hooked to you, so I could unhook it, but I can't figure it out

So, I will have to do something else." He contemplatively drew his finger and thumb down the sharp sides of his jaw. " Has it

rained, or been overcast since it first started following you? " '

Richard thought back, trying to remember every day. Most of the time he had been in a fog over his father's murder. It seemed so long ago. " The night before I found the snake vine, it rained in the Ven, but by the time I got there, it had cleared off. No, no rain. I don't remember it being cloudy since my father's murder. At least, nothing more than a few high, thin clouds. What does that mean? "

" Well, it means I think there is a way to fool the cloud, even if I can't unhook it. Since the sky has been clear all that time, that means Rahl probably has been responsible. He has moved the other clouds away so he could easily find this one. Simple, but effective."

" How could he move the clouds away? "

" He put a spell on this one to repel other clouds, and somehow hooked this one to you."

" Then why don't you put a stronger spell on it to attract other clouds; before he realizes it, it will be lost, and he won't be able to find it to try to outdo your magic. If he does use stronger magic to move the clouds away to find this one, he won't know what you have done, and the stronger spell that pushes the clouds away will break the hook."

Zedd gave him an incredulous look, his eyes blinked. " Bags, Richard, you have gotten it exactly right! My boy, I think you would make an excellent wizard."

" No, thanks. I already have one impossible job."

Zedd drew back a little and frowned, but didn't say anything. His thin hand reached into his robes and pulled out a rock, tossing it on the ground in front of them. He stood and his fingers spun around in a circle over the little rock until, suddenly, it popped into a large rock.

" Zedd! That's your cloud rock! "

" Actually, my boy; it's a wizard's rock. My father gave it to me, long ago."

The wizard's finger stirred faster and faster until light came forth, sparkles and colors, swirling around. He continued to stir, mixing and blending the light. There was no sound, only the pleasant smell of a spring rain. At last the wizard seemed satisfied.

" Step up on the rock, my boy."

Unsure at first, Richard stepped into the light. It tingled and felt warm against his skin, as if he were lying in the hot summer sun without clothes, after a swim. He let himself bask in the warm, safe feeling, gave himself over to it. His hands floated outward from his sides until they were horizontal. He tilted his head back, took deep breaths, and closed his eyes. It felt wondrous, like floating in water, only he was floating in light. Exhilaration soaked through him. His mind felt a buoyant, timeless connection to everything around him. He was one with the trees, the grass, the bugs, the birds, the animals all around, the water, the very air itself; not a separate being, but part of a whole. He understood the interconnection of everything in a new way, saw himself as inconsequential and empowered at the same time. He saw the world through the eyes of all the creatures around him. It was a shocking, marvelous insight. He let himself soar into a bird that flew overhead, saw the world through its eyes, hunted with it, hungry and needful, for mice, watched the campfire below, the people sleeping.

Richard let his identity scatter to the wind. He became no one and everyone, felt the heat of their needs, smelled their fear, tasted their joy, understood their desires, and then let it all melt away into nothingness, until there was a void where he stood, alone in the universe, the only living thing, the only thing existing at all. Then he let the light flood through him, light that brought forth the others that had used this very rock: Zedd, Zedd's father, and the wizards before that, for untold years, thousands of years, one and all. Their essence flowed through him, shared themselves with him as tears streamed down his cheeks at the wonder of it all.

Zedd's hands sprang forward, loosing his magic dust. It swirled about Richard, glittering fluidly, until he was at the center of its vortex. The sparkles tightened their rotation and gathered at his chest. With a tinkling sound like a crystal chandelier in the wind, the dust climbed away into the sky as if climbing a kite string, taking the sound with it as it went, higher and higher, until it reached the cloud. The cloud took in the magic dust and was lit from within by roiling colors. All across the horizon lightning flashed, ragged streaks ripping this way and that, called forth, eager, expectant.

All at once the lightning stopped, the illumination in the cloud faded and was gone, and the light from the wizard's rock pulled itself inward until it was extinguished. There was sudden silence. Richard was there again, standing on a simple rock. He looked, wide-eyed, at Zedd's smiling face.

" Zedd, " he whispered, " now I know why you stand on this rock all the time. I've never felt anything like that in my life. I had no idea."

Zedd smiled knowingly. " You're a natural, my boy. You held your arms just right, your head had the proper tilt, you even arched your back correctly. You took to it like a duckling to a pond. You have all the makings of a fine wizard." He leaned forward, gleefully. " Now just try to imagine doing it naked."

" It makes a difference? " Richard asked in amazement.

" Of course. The clothes interfere with the experience." Zedd put his arm. around Richard's shoulder. " Someday I will let you try it."

" Zedd, why did you have me do that? It wasn't necessary. You could have done it."

" How do you feel now? "

" I don't know. Different. Relaxed. More clearheaded. I guess not as overpowered, not as depressed."

" That's why I let you do it, my friend, because you needed it. You have had a hard night. I can't change, the problems, but I could help you feel better."

" Thank you, Zedd."

" Go get some sleep, it's my watch now." He gave Richard a wink. " If you ever change your mind about becoming a wizard, I would be proud to welcome you into the brotherhood."

Zedd help up his hand. Out of the darkness, the piece of cheese he had thrown away floated back to him