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Something is missing.

A blonde was walking along a river (блондинка шла вдоль реки) when she noticed (когда она заметила) another (другую) blonde on the opposite bank (на противоположном берегу).

She yells (она кричит), " How do I get to the other side of the river? (как мне попасть на другую сторону реки)"

The second (вторая) blonde replies (отвечает), " You are on the other side... (ты на другой стороне)"

A blonde was walking along a river when she noticed another blonde on the opposite bank.
She yells, " How do I get to the other side of the river? "
The second blonde replies, " You are on the other side..."

How do I get to the other side of the river?

Two women were in a hair salon (две женщины были в парикмахерской) talking about their home lives (разговаривая о своих домашних " жизнях") when the subject of flighty husbands came up (когда возникла тема ветреных мужей).

" It's unbelievable (это невероятно), " one woman said. " I can never figure out where he goes at night (я никогда не могу разгадать, куда он ходит ночью, вечером)."

" I know exactly what you mean (я в точности знаю, что ты имеешь в виду), " said the other woman. " One second he's in the house (в одно мгновенье он дома), and the next he's gone without a trace (а в следующее он исчез без следа)."

" Well, " says a woman eavesdropping nearby (подслушивающая рядом). " I always know where my husband is (я всегда знаю, где мой муж)."

" How do you manage that? (как вам это удается)" the other two women ask (спрашивают).

" Easy (легко), " she replies (отвечает). " I'm a widow (я вдова)."

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up.

" It's unbelievable, " one woman said. " I can never figure out where he goes at night."
" I know exactly what you mean, " said the other woman. " One second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a trace."
" Well, " says a woman eavesdropping nearby. " I always know where my husband is."
" How do you manage that? " the other two women ask.
" Easy, " she replies. " I'm a widow."

It's unbelievable!

I know exactly what you mean.

How do you manage that?

When I was a youngster (когда я был юнцом), " complained the frustrated father (жаловался расстроенный отец), " I was disciplined (я был наказываем; disciplin [`dı sı plı n]) by being sent to my room without supper (" отсыланием", тем, что меня отсылали в мою комнату без ужина /to send-sent-sent/). But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player (но у моего сына есть его собственный цветной телевизор, телефон, компьютер, и СD плеер)."

" So what do you do? (и что же ты делаешь)" asked his friend (спросил его друг).

" I send him to MY room! (я посылаю его в мою комнату)"

When I was a youngster, " complained the frustrated father, " I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."
" So what do you do? " asked his friend.
" I send him to MY room! "

So what do you do?

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant (посетитель надоедал официанту в ресторане). First (во-первых), he asked that the air conditioning be turned up (он попросил увеличить работу кондиционера; to turn - поворачивать) because he was too hot (потому что ему было слишком жарко), then he asked it be turned down (уменьшить) ‘cause he was too cold (слишком холодно), and so on for about half an hour (и так /продолжалось/ около получаса).

Surprisingly (неожиданно; вопреки ожиданиям; to surprise - поражать, удивлять), the waiter was very patient (официант был очень терпеливым; patient [`peı ∫ (∂)nt]), he walked back and forth (он ходил взад-вперед) and never once got angry (и ни разу не разозлился: " не стал сердитым"). So finally (в конце концов), a second customer asked him (другой: " второй" посетитель спросил его) why he didn't throw out the pest (почему он не выгонит: «не выбросит» этого зануду; pest - мор, чума; бич, язва).

" Oh, I really don't care or mind (о, я совершенно не беспокоюсь и не забочусь), " said the waiter with a smile (с улыбкой). " We don't even have an air conditioner (у нас вообще: " даже" нет кондиционера)."

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down ‘cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
" Oh, I really don't care or mind, " said the waiter with a smile. " We don't even have an air conditioner."

Oh, I really don't care or mind.

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home (человек навещает свою тетушку в доме для престарелых; to nurse – нянчить; ухаживать за больным). It turns out that she is taking a nap (при этом оказывается, что она дремлет; nap - короткий сон, дремота), so he just sits down in a chair in her room (так что он просто садится на стул в ее комнате), flips through a few magazines (просматривает несколько журналов; to flip - щелкать, ударять слегка; смахнуть /пепел с сигареты/), and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table (жует понемногу арахис, находящийся в вазочке на столе).

Eventually (наконец), the aunt wakes up (тетушка просыпается), and her nephew realizes (и ее племянник понимает) he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl (он по рассеянности прикончил целую вазочку; absent - отсутствующий; mind - ум).

" I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts! (извините, тетушка, я съел весь ваш арахис)"

" That's okay, dearie (все нормально, дорогой), " the aunt replied (ответила). " After I've sucked the chocolate off (после того, как я обсосала шоколад), I don't care for them anyway (меня они все равно не интересуют)."

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl.

" I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts! "
" That's okay, dearie, " the aunt replied. " After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

I’ll take a nap.

A man walks into a bar (человек входит в бар) and asks the bartender (и спрашивает бармена), " If I show you a really good trick, (если я покажу тебе действительно классный фокус), will you give me a free drink? (ты дашь мне бесплатную выпивку)"

The bartender considers it (обдумывает это), then agrees (затем соглашается). The man reaches into his pocket (лезет в свой карман) and pulls out a tiny rat (вытаскивает крошечную крысу). He reaches into his other pocket (в другой карман) and pulls out a tiny piano (пианино). The rat stretches (вытягивается), cracks his knuckles (щелкает суставами пальцев), and proceeds to play the blues (принимается играть блюз).

After (после того, как) the man finished (закончил) his drink, he asked the bartender, " If I show you an even better (" даже лучше") trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? (весь оставшийся вечер)"

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first (думая, что ни один фокус не может быть лучше первого). The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog (лягушку), who (кто; которая) begins (начинает) to sing along (подпевать) with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying (наслаждается) his beverages (напитки; beverage [`bev∂ rı dż ]), a stranger (незнакомец) confronts (" встает напротив") him and offers (предлагает) him $100, 000.00 for the frog. " Sorry, " the man replies (отвечает), " he's not for sale (она не для продажи)."

The stranger increases (увеличивает) the offer to $250, 000.00 cash (наличными). " No, " he insists (настаивает), " he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500, 000.00 cash. The man finally (наконец) agrees, and turns the frog over (и передает лягушку) to the stranger in exchange for the money (в обмен на деньги).

" Are you insane? (вы ненормальный)" the bartender demanded (спрашивает). " That frog could have been worth millions to you (могла бы принести вам миллионы; worth – стоящий, имеющий ценность), and you let him go for a mere (а вы отдали ее всего-то за) $500, 000! "

" Don't worry about it (не волнуйтесь " об этом"), " the man answered (ответил). " The frog was really nothing special (лягушка не была чем-то особенным). You see (видите ли), the rat's a ventriloquist (чревовещательница)."

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, " If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink? "

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, " If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? "

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100, 000.00 for the frog. " Sorry, " the man replies, " he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to $250, 000.00 cash. " No, " he insists, " he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500, 000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

" Are you insane? " the bartender demanded. " That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500, 000! "

" Don't worry about it, " the man answered. " The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Don't worry about it.

A man is in a bar (человек в баре) and falling off his stool (падает со стула) every couple of minutes (каждые две минуты). He is obviously (явно, очевидно) drunk (пьян). So (поэтому) the bartender says to another man in the bar (говорит другому человеку в баре): " Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home (почему бы тебе не быть добрым самаритянином и не отвести его домой)."

The man takes the drunk out the door (выводит пьяного за дверь) and to his car (к его машине) and he stumbles (спотыкается) at least ten times (по крайней мере десять раз). They drive along (едут) and the drunk points out (показывает, указывает на) his house (его дом) to the man.

He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps (спотыкаясь, поднимается по лестнице) to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife (жена) greets (встречает) them at the door: " Why (здесь: что ж), thank you for bringing him (спасибо, что привели его) home for me, but where is his wheel chair? (но где же его инвалидное кресло)"

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: " Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: " Why, thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair? "

Take him home, please.

A serious drunk (сильно пьяный) walked into a bar (зашел в бар) and, after staring for some time (после некоторого времени пристального смотрения) at the only woman seated at the bar (на единственную женщину, сидевшую в баре; to seat - сидеть, усесться), walked over (подошел) to her and kissed her (поцеловал). She jumped up (вскочила) and slapped him (ударила, дала пощечину; slap - пощечина, шлепок). He immediately (немедленно, тут же) apologized (извинился) and explained (объяснил), " I'm sorry (простите). I thought (я думал) you were my wife (вы моя жена). You look exactly like her (вы выглядите в точности как она)."

" Why you worthless (никчемный; worth - ценность, стоимость), insufferable (невыносимый, невозможный; to suffer - страдать; терпеть, сносить), wretched (жалкий), no good drunk! (негодный пьяница)" she screamed (завопила, закричала).

" Funny (забавно), " he muttered (пробормотал), " you even sound exactly like her (вы даже " звучите" точно как она)."

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, " I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

" Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! " she screamed.

" Funny, " he muttered, " you even sound exactly like her."

I'm sorry.

You look exactly like her.

Funny.

Two guys were in a bar (два парня были в баре), and they were both watching the television (оба смотрели телевизор) when the news came on (когда начались новости /to come-came-come - приходить/). It showed (показали) a guy on a bridge (парня на мосту) who was about to jump (который собирался прыгнуть), obviously suicidal (очевидно самоубийца; suicidal - самоубийственный [sjuı `saı dl]; suicide - самоубийство).

" I'll bet you $10 he'll jump (ставлю 10 долларов - он прыгнет; to bet - держать пари), " said the first guy (сказал первый).

" Bet you $10 he won't, " said the second guy (ставлю 10 долларов - он этого не сделает).

Then (затем, потом), the guy on the television closed his eyes (закрыл глаза) and threw himself off the bridge (бросился с моста /to throw-threw-thrown - бросать, кидать/). The second guy hands (вручает, передает) the first guy the money (деньги).

" I can't take your money (я не могу взять /твои/ деньги), " said the first guy. " I cheated you (я надул тебя). The same story (та же самая история) was on the five o'clock news (была в пятичасовых новостях)."

" No, no. Take it (нет-нет, возьми /их/), " said the second guy. " I saw the five o'clock news too (я тоже видел пятичасовые новости). I just didn't think (просто я не думал) the guy was dumb enough (настолько туп) to jump again! (чтобы прыгнуть снова)"

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.

" I'll bet you $10 he'll jump, " said the first guy.

" Bet you $10 he won't, " said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

" I can't take your money, " said the first guy. " I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

" No, no. Take it, " said the second guy. " I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again! "

I'll bet you $10 he'll jump.

A circus owner (владелец цирка) walked into a bar (зашел в бар) to see (посмотреть, увидеть; здесь: и увидел) everyone crowded about a table (все столпились около стола) watching a little show (наблюдая маленькое шоу). On the table (на столе) was an upside down pot (был перевернутый горшок) and a duck tap dancing on it (утка, отбивающая чечетку на нем; tap - легкий стук, слабый удар; подметка, набойка на каблуке; чечетка). The circus owner was so impressed (был настолько впечатлен) that he offered (предложил) to buy the duck from its owner (купить утку у ее владельца). After some wheeling and dealing (после делового разговора; to wheel and deal - обделывать делишки, судить-рядить) they settled for $10, 000 (они сошлись на 10000$; to settle - устанавливать) for the duck and the pot (за утку и горшок).

Three days later (три дня спустя) the circus owner runs back (прибегает назад) to the bar in anger (в гневе), " Your duck is a ripoff! (совершенно негодная: «бросовая вещь»; to rip - разрезать, отрывать; to rip off - сдирать) I put (я поставил /to put-put-put - класть, ставить/) him on the pot before a whole audience (перед всей публикой; audience [`o: dj∂ ns]), and he didn't dance a single step! (совсем не танцевала; не сделала ни единого шага)"

" So? (так, здесь: да?)" asked (спросил) the duck’s former (прежний) owner, " did you remember (вы не забыли; to remember - помнить) to light the candle under the pot? (зажечь свечу под горшком)"

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10, 000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, " Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step! "

" So? " asked the duck’s former owner, " did you remember to light the candle under the pot? "

It is a ripoff!

A man went into a bar in a high rise (человек вошел в бар в приподнятом настроении). He saw another man take a pill (он видел, как другой принимает таблетку), take a drink (запивает), walk to the window (подходит к окну) and jump out (выпрыгивает). He flew around (покружил: «полетал вокруг» /to fly-flew-flown/) for a minute (с минуту) and zipped (молнией влетел: to zip - застегивать на молнию; промелькнуть) back into the bar.

As the amazed (пораженный) newcomer (вновь прибывший) watched (смотрел, наблюдал), the man repeated this (повторил это) twice more (еще дважды). Finally (в конце концов) the man asked (человек спросил) if he could have a pill (можно ли ему съесть пилюлю = таблетку). The flier (летун) said it was his last one (сказал, что у него есть, осталась одна последняя).

The man offered (предложил) five hundred dollars (500 долларов) to no avail (безрезультатно), so he made a final offer (он сделал последнее предложение) of a thousand dollars (1000 долларов). The man said that it was all he had on him (это все, что у него есть: «имеет при себе»).

The flier reluctantly gave in (неохотно уступил; to give in - уступать; сдаваться), took the cash (взял деньги), surrendered (уступил) the pill, and turned back to the bar (вернулся к барной стойке). The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death (только чтобы разбиться насмерть). The bartender walked over (приблизился) to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass (вытирая стакан), said, " You sure are mean (ты точно противный, злой = какой же ты противный) when you're drunk (когда ты пьян), Superman (Супермен)."

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, " You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

It is all I have on me.

You sure are mean when you're drunk!

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar (моряк встречает пирата в баре), and talk turns (и разговор заходит; to turn - свернуть, повернуть/ся/) to their adventures on the sea (об их приключениях в море). The seaman notes (замечает) that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch (что у пирата деревянная нога; peg - колышек; протез руки; «крюк»; и повязка на глазу).

The seaman asks (спрашивает), " So, how did you end up with the peg-leg? (и как же ты заработал деревянную ногу: «как ты кончил с деревянной ногой»)"

The pirate replies (отвечает), " We were in a storm at sea (мы были в море во время шторма), and I was swept (меня смыло /to sweep-swept-swept - сносить, смывать (волной)/) overboard (за борт) into a school (косяк, стая) of sharks (акул). Just as my men were pulling me out (пока мои ребята меня вытаскивали), a shark bit my leg off (откусила мою ногу /to bite-bit-bitten - кусать/; to bite off - откусить)."

" Wow! " said the seaman. " What about your hook? (а что случилось с рукой; дословно: а что о твоем протезе)"

" Well (ну), " replied the pirate, " We were boarding an enemy ship (мы брали на абордаж вражеский корабль) and were battling the other sailors with swords (и сражались с теми моряками на саблях; sword - меч, шпага, сабля). One of (один из) the enemies cut my hand off (отрезал мою руку /to cut-cut-cut - резать/; to cut off - отрезать)."

" Incredible! (невероятно)" remarked (заметил) the seaman. " How did you get the eye patch? (а как ты получил повязку на глаз)"

" A seagull dropping fell into my eye (чайка капнула мне в глаз; drop - капля; здесь: помет; /to fall-fell-fallen - падать/), " replied the pirate.

" You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? (ты потерял свой глаз из-за помета чайки /to lose-lost-lost/)" the sailor asked incredulously (недоверчиво).

" Well, " said the pirate, " it was my first day with my hook (это был мой первый день с моим протезом)."

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, " So, how did you end up with the peg-leg? "

The pirate replies, " We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

" Wow! " said the seaman. " What about your hook? "

" Well, " replied the pirate, " We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

" Incredible! " remarked the seaman. " How did you get the eye patch? "

" A seagull dropping fell into my eye, " replied the pirate.

" You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? " the sailor asked incredulously.

" Well, " said the pirate, " it was my first day with my hook."

Incredible!

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours (человек уже пил в баре несколько часов) when he mentioned something about his girlfriend (когда он сказал что-то о своей девушке), being out in the car (которая была на улице в машине). The bartender (бармен), concerned (обеспокоенный) because it was so cold (потому что было так холодно), went to check on her (пошел проведать ее; to check - проверять). When he looked inside the car (когда он заглянул в машину), he saw the man's friend (он увидел друга того человека /to see-saw-seen/), Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another (целующимися). The bartender shook his head (он покачал головой /to shake-shook-shaken/) and walked back inside (и вернулся назад; inside - внутрь).

He told the drunk (он сказал пьяному /to tell-told-told/) that he thought it might be (могла бы быть) a good idea to check on his girlfriend (что он думает, что это была бы неплохая идея - проверить его девчонку). The fellow (парень) staggered outside to the car (шатаясь, пошел на улицу, к машине), saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing (увидел своего приятеля и свою девушку целующимися), then walked back into the bar laughing (и вернулся в бар, смеясь). " What's so funny? (что смешного)" the bartender asked (спросил).

" That stupid Dave! (этот тупой, дурак Дэйв)" the fellow chortled (хохотнул, фыркнул), " He's so drunk, he thinks he's me! (он настолько пьян, что думает, будто он – это я)"

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. " What's so funny? " the bartender asked.

" That stupid Dave! " the fellow chortled, " He's so drunk, he thinks he's me! "

It might be a good idea to check on your girlfriend.

What's so funny?

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot (человек заходит в бар и заказывает рюмашку). Then he looks into his shirt pocket (затем заглядывает в карман рубашки) and orders another shot (и заказывает еще выпивку). After he finishes (после того, как он выпивает; to finish - заканчивать), he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious (любопытный = заинтригован) and asks him (спрашивает его), " Every time (каждый раз) you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why? (почему, зачем)"

The man replies (отвечает), " I have a picture of my wife in my pocket (у меня в кармане фотография моей жены) and when she starts to look good, I go home (и когда она начинает хорошо выглядеть, я иду домой)."

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and askes him, " Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why? "

The man replies, " I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

A man stumbles up (подходит, спотыкаясь) to the only other patron in a bar (к единственному, кроме него, клиенту в баре) and asks if he could buy him a drink (и спрашивает его, не мог бы он купить ему выпить).

" Why of course (почему бы нет), " comes the reply (следует ответ).

The first (первый) man then asks (спрашивает), " Where are you from? (откуда вы родом)"

" I'm from Ireland (я из Ирландии), " replies the second man (отвечает второй).

The first man responds (откликается), " You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! (Что вы говорите! Я тоже из Ирландии) Let's have another round to Ireland (следующий бокал: " другую порцию, еще по кругу" за Ирландию)."