Act two, scene nine

HOGWARTS, STAIRCASE

ALBUS pursues HARRY across the stage.

ALBUS: What if I run? I’ll run.

HARRY: Albus, get back in bed.

ALBUS: I’ll run away again.

HARRY: No. You won’t.

ALBUS: I will — and this time I’ll make sure Ron can’t find us.

RON: Do I hear my name?

RON enters on a staircase, his side parting now super-aggressive, his robes just a little bit too short, his clothes now spectacularly staid.

ALBUS: Uncle Ron! Thank Dumbledore. If ever we needed one of your jokes it’s now...

RON frowns, confused.

RON: Jokes? I don’t know any jokes.

ALBUS: Of course you do. You run a joke shop.

RON (now supremely confused): A joke shop? Well now. Anyway I’m pleased I caught you. I was going to bring some sweets — for a, uh, sort of, a, get well soon, but, uh... Actually Padma — she thinks about things a lot more — deeply — than I do — and she thought it’d be nicer for you to get something useful for school. So we got you a — set of quills. Yes. Yes. Yes. Look at these bad boys. Top of the range.

ALBUS: Who’s Padma?

HARRY frowns at ALBUS.

HARRY: Your aunt.

ALBUS: I have an Aunt Padma?

RON (to HARRY): Taken a Confundus Charm to the head, has he? (To ALBUS.) My wife, Padma. You remember. Talks slightly too close to your face, smells a bit minty. (Leans in.) Padma, mother of Panju! (To HARRY.) That’s why I’m here, of course. Panju. He’s in trouble again. I wanted to just send a Howler but Padma insisted I come in person. I don’t know why. He just laughs at me.

ALBUS: But... you’re married to Hermione.

Beat. RON doesn’t understand this at all.

RON: Hermione. No. Nooooo. Merlin’s beard.

HARRY: Albus has also forgotten that he was sorted into Gryffindor. Conveniently.

RON: Yes, well, sorry, old chap, but you’re a Gryffindor.

ALBUS: But how did I get sorted into Gryffindor?

RON: You persuaded the Sorting Hat, don’t you remember? Panju bet you that you couldn’t get into Gryffindor if your life depended on it, so you chose Gryffindor to spite him. I can’t blame you, (dry) we’d all like to wipe the smile off his face sometimes, wouldn’t we? (Terrified.) Please don’t tell Padma I said that.

ALBUS: Who’s Panju?

RON and HARRY stare at ALBUS.

RON: Bloody hell, you’re really not yourself, are you? Anyway, better go, before I’m sent a Howler myself.

He stumbles on, not even an inch of the man he was.

ALBUS: But that doesn’t... make sense.

HARRY: Albus, whatever you’re feigning, it isn’t working. I will not change my mind.

ALBUS: Dad, you have two choices, either you take me to —

HARRY: No, you’re the one with the choice, Albus. You do this, or you get in deeper, much deeper trouble — do you understand?

SCORPIUS: Albus? You’re okay. That’s fantastic.

HARRY: He’s completely cured. And we’ve got to go.

ALBUS looks up at SCORPIUS and his heart breaks. He walks on.

SCORPIUS: Are you mad at me? What’s going on?

ALBUS stops and turns to SCORPIUS.

ALBUS: Did it work? Did any of it work?

SCORPIUS: No... But, Albus —

HARRY: Albus. Whatever gibberish you’re talking, you need to stop it, now. This is your final warning.

ALBUS looks torn between his dad and his friend.

ALBUS: I can’t, okay?

SCORPIUS: You can’t what?

ALBUS: Just — we’ll be better off without each other, okay?

SCORPIUS is left looking up after him. Heartbroken.