Forgeli Botchli?

“ Twang! ” Tanya pressed the third string from the edge closer against the middle of the neck and it hummed. The sound hardly dissipated as a round thick-necked head in a copper helmet appeared on the balcony. It was the size of a considerable cauldron and it rotated its pupils menacingly. The look on the head was openly predatory. The bent nose was once dented by someone’s fist, and a long scar stood out on the cheek...

“ Forgeli botchli? ” It growled, when its pupils, having stopped revolving, settled on the girl.

“Not forgeli not botchli... A mistake...” attempting to hide behind the double bass, Tanya muttered.

The head smirked, baring ground-off yellow teeth, each of which was the size of a good fist. Furthermore, it became noticeable that something terribly similar to the sole of boots got stuck between the two front teeth.

“What is ‘not forgeli, ’ specifically? ” The head asked hoarsely. “Where’s the magic response? What, did they not warn you that I can tear apart whoever uses magic objects illegally? Beatings in alleyways, and all such.”

“No, they did not warn me, ” Tanya quickly blurted out, considering that this was her only justification.

“And I’ll not believe it for life! And if they did not warn you, it means you’re not a witch but one of the moronoids! ”

“Yes, I’m a witch... That is, I... Please wait, I’ll explain everything...”

Tanya moved back in fright and, hoping that the head would disappear, in a hurry passed the bow along the adjacent string.

“ T-wang! ” The string hummed intensely. No, the head did not disappear, instead beside it immediately appeared another, even more murderous than the first, decorated with a downy sergeant-major moustaches.

“Where are the evil spirits? Blabbli gabbli intertwineli? ” It asked with a voice which grated on the hearing like sandpaper.

Tanya went “Oh, ” experiencing a burning desire to show up a hundred kilometres away from here or, at the worst, to simply fall under the floor.

“ Blabbli gabbli intertwineli? ” The head repeated impatiently.

“Hello, Usynya! ” The head that appeared on the balcony earlier barked. “I think the time has come to gobble up someone. Someone who summons us without knowing the simplest magic response...”

“Exactly, Dubynya... Time to punish these little green witches! They’ll know when to get mixed up with spells! ”

“And mostly likely she’s not even a little witch but one of the moronoids... I hate it when these nothings imagine themselves magicians. I would rip off the hands that give them magic tools...”

Tanya in fear gripped the bow. She wanted to wave it at them, knowing that now and then they disappear with this, but by chance brushed against yet another string. “Gad, again! And what now! ” She thought, experiencing bad presentiment. And the presentiment did not deceive her.

“ T-w-angg! ” The string clanged spitefully, and instantly the third head, bald like a billiard ball, rolled out next to the first two. Its face was flat as a pancake, with the same set of small porous grooves as in a pancake, eyes exactly narrow slits, but then the enormous mouth stretched from ear to ear. It was clearly felt that even if this head was not entirely slow-witted, then a bit crazy.

“ Mountainsani raisurus? ” The head asked darkly.

Tanya kept quiet dejectedly.

“I cannot stand it when they move the head from me. It’s, it turns out, my body now hanging about alone there? Whoever wants can approach it and give it a kick? And if I, for example, were in battle, then what, strike at random? ”

“Uh-huh, Gorynya! You said it exactly. Someone did not protect the character, I’m not guilty...” said Dubynya. “I want to say that, character. Five minutes before this I, out of boredom, got tied up with two cyclopes: I said, why are you pushing, one-eyed, long time no one bust you up, and all that... One only started to swing, and my head — well, I never! — and here! How he probably just blinks... Either he blew off my head or something. Incomprehensible, shorter, like shaking with the brainless.”

“No, definitely must devour her! ” Usynya decided for everyone. “Say the response! Well? You don’t know? Well you got yourself in a mess! ”

“Forgeli? Entwinum? Gor’yani? Boozeli Joyjuiceli? ” Tanya fired at random.

“Aha, likely that... Right smack! ” Gorynya said knowingly. His voice sounded sufficiently affectionate; however, the girl did not quite like how it smacked its lips. It licked its chops nastily.

The heads exchanged glances significantly. A moustache clicked like a whip and, wound around Tanya’s ankle, began to pull her towards itself. The girl darted and began to squeal, but it was as thick as a ship’s rope.

“Pity, a hand remained there... Can’t be helped... Well, no matter, we get her this way...” aiming, Usynya muttered.

Dubynya began to worry:

“Listen, dude, you... Don’t forget us. You’ll leave us some to nibble? ” He asked hoarsely. “We treated you...”

“When is it you treated me? ” Usynya was indignant.

“Why? The German knights...”

“Phew... Such canned foods! As soon as you open them, you even start to sweat! ”

“And you would with a can-opener. Afterwards it’s very handy to pick the teeth with their spears.”

Defending herself, Tanya waved the bow, but it frightened Usynya no more than trying to poke it with a match. The mouth with the huge dull teeth was already very near. Some of Usynya’s teeth were missing, and the rest did not appear to be in better shape.

“Ah-ah-ah! Don’t touch me! You need a stomatologist! ” Tanya shouted, desperately pushing the monstrous forehead with her hand so that it would not be easy to swallow her.

“And what’s that? What does he eat with? ” Usynya was interested.

“With a dental drill and with drills... Goes well with mayo, particularly if together with the gloves and all the tweezers! ” Dubynya prompted. Of all three heads, likely he was the most knowledgeable. And in addition with more practical experience.

Having managed, Tanya tried to poke the giant with an elbow in the nose. That one blinked with wonder.

“For a moronoid you’re pretty brave. Usually they immediately flop down in a faint, ” he said encouragingly.

“I’m not of the moronoids, I’m telling you! And the double bass is not someone else’s! My papa is Leopold Grotter! ”

Suddenly the moustache wound around her ankle slackened. “WHAT? You’re the daughter of GROTTER? You’re TANYA Grotter? ” All three heads stared at her distrustfully.

“Something you’ll be able to prove? Really can it be that a Grotter doesn’t know the simplest spell? And the Grot-ters, oho-ho, they were all so large-headed! Indeed real terrific scholars! ” Usynya doubted.

“And it’s her, she... And the birthmark on the nose, and the curls... Her entire personality, not lying...” Gorynya started to whisper.

“Oh, my giant mama! Oh, my titan papa! Oh, my cyclops grandma! In order for me to gobble crosswise and grow lengthwise! My eyes would not see! ” Dubynya began to keen. “It’s indeed Grotter’s daughter, having seen She-Who-Is-No-More and remaining among the living! The only one that saw her! ”

“Unbelievable, we nearly gobbled her up! That would be a nightmare! ” Turning crimson, Usynya buzzed.

“Well, and we’ll get it if she tells Sardanapal! ”

“Or Yagge! Or Slander! But she will not tell... Will not tell tales on three good souls, who joked with her like a scare-scare-scarecrow? ” Dubynya began to suck up.

“Gee whiz, you joked! For such jokes you know what happens to the teeth? However, it no longer threatens you, ” muttered Tanya, surprised at herself for such impudence.

“We wildly apologize. Turned out a blunder! ” Usynya said.

“A little hitch...” Gorynya darted with the nose.

“A discrepancy... You should have said gadaboutun, then everything would be in order, ” Dubynya blurted out guiltily. “And now time for us to bid you farewell! It’s harmful for us to remain too long in the world of the moronoids.”

“Aha, and still the body is lost somewhere and committing follies. Catch then this headless fool. Oh, what miracle, to tell, whom we saw, they’ll so not believe! ” Usynya finished.

Hurrying to slip away, the three heads began to whirl swiftly on the spot. The ears flashed crimson from remorse.

“Wait... Please stop! ” Tanya shouted, but the balcony was already deserted. The girl was so thunder-struck and did not know how to pose to them the question which was twirling on her tongue.

Who is this Sardanapal? And Yagge? And She-Who-Is-No-More? Tanya only needed to utter the third name to herself when her head again began to spin... For some reason in the girl’s memory sprung up emaciated green hands, affected by decay... Loathsome chopped off hands, stretching out to her throat...

“Return what you’re hiding! I’m dead, you’re alive... You’re guilty in that I died... Ten long years after your birth and ten centuries to it I awaited this hour, ” the voice rustled in a silent whisper. An icy dead hand touched her face and, jerking back, melted away...

“It’s indeed Grotter’s daughter, having seen She-Who-Is-No-More and remaining among the living! The only one that saw her! ” Tanya recalled the words of the talking head. Likely the enormous head also feared this She and therefore treated the girl with a mixture of fear and admiration.

“Whom did I see? Whom? What is it with my parents? Are they alive or did they perish? If I would at least learn to use this magic thingamajig! Maybe, then something would be clarified! ” Tanya thought despondently.

Beginning to worry that the three enormous heads could catch the eyes of the Durnevs and alarm them, Tanya hurriedly looked into the room. No, everything was quiet in Pipa’s, and even Pipa herself, it seemed, had disappeared to one of her girlfriend-toadies’. Uncle Herman, after swallowing all the necessary vitamins, left for the Duma in order to catch sight of a maximum quantity of influential figures and to extend before each his mouth in the affable grin of a self re-educated vampire.

As far as Aunt Ninel was concerned, from her room came a terrible crash as if someone on equal intervals struck the floor with a sledgehammer. It was likely that Madame Durnev again decided to be busy with aerobics, and in such moments she would not even notice anything taking place in front of her nose.

* * *

The week that passed from the day of the discovery of the double bass turned out to be uncommonly good for Tanya. No one touched her, or harassed her, and even her presence in the apartment they recalled if and only if she appeared in the kitchen. Now and then it seemed to the girl that she had become absolutely invisible. At least to the Durnevs.

Everything was explained extremely simply in fact. The entire family did not have time to poison her life: everyone was concerned with what happened to Uncle Herman. The dreadful pogrom was assigned to the sudden temporary insanity of Durnev, beginning from the excessively stressful pre-election campaign. Bouncing around in the apartment all evening, he tore off wallpaper everywhere and nibbled on sneakers, but afterwards he calmed down and fell asleep in the hallway on the floor, hiding his head under the rug. Aunt Ninel and Pipa nearly fainted with a crash. Tanya was completely not surprised, considering that Lisper the Rabbit simply climbed into his hole.

The following morning Uncle Herman awoke already in full possession of his faculties and was terribly astonished, to put it mildly, to discover himself in the unusual place. He hurled the rug to a far corner of the hallway, tenderly kissed the dachshund starting to bark at him and again became as before — green, biting, and ill-humoured. All Tanya could do was to sigh: she liked Uncle Herman much more as a rabbit. He even had a certain charm.

“Some people were clearly born by mistake. That’s probably why they are so disgusting, ” she reflected.

Uncle Herman himself remembered nothing about his insanity or about all of yesterday’s events. True, now and then he became strangely pensive and, gathering his hands like paws, he began to bounce slightly in one place. Usually this took place at moments when he caught sight of a carrot or cabbage. Precisely for this reason Aunt Ninel decisively threw out all carrots and cabbages from the apartment, completely excluding them from the menu. Pipa and Tanya were strictly forbidden to even accidentally mention these words together with the words “forest, ” “bunnies, ” “jump-gallop” and in general everything that could direct Uncle Herman’s thoughts to forbidden grounds.

Tanya used each free minute to hasten to the magic double bass. As before with the case, she now timidly studied the instrument on all sides, feeling each of its smallest tiny cracks, any insignificant roughness. Soon she already could, with closed eyes and barely touching the instrument with her fingers, guess without mistake, what place of the neck or what part of the string she was now touching.

“Ah, pity I don’t know how to play the double bass... On the other hand, perhaps they also don’t play it. In the magic instruction there is not a word about playing but only about enchantment and magic, ” Tanya thought.

Now and then she took the bow in her hand and decided to guide it along the strings.

The sounds which the instrument issued were always unexpected and with unpredictable consequences. The first time a flock of wasps appeared on the balcony. The second time — terribly stinky rotten stuff appeared and from somewhere on top of her head a monstrous size leg bone fell down. The third time Tanya managed to summon from emptiness a jar with jam imparting the taste of frog roe. Still it was possible somehow to resign herself to this if there were no eyes opening periodically in the jar. Tanya pushed it further into the cabinet, hiding it among old books.

But after the stupid incident with the three heads, nearly costing her her life, the girl decided that it was necessary to dampen her ardour. In any case, to be more careful from now on.

One question still existed, extremely occupying Tanya. Judging from the instructions on the birch bark, besides magic the double bass could be used for flights, but only by what means? So many times the girl tried to jump together with it, to sit carefully on top, and even to wave the bow precisely like a sabre, but it did not rise even five centimetres above the floor.

Once in the evening, when Pipa, after giving herself thirteen kilograms of candies and things with her sweating palms, was already sleeping soundly in her room and for sure saw the mysterious G.P. in her dream, Tanya carefully spent time with the double bass. She already intended to take it out of the case, but at this moment noticed that one of the strings was sagging quite a bit. Deciding to stretch it, the girl began to carefully turn the lower pin. She had hardly made half a rotation when the double bass suddenly began to tremble and from the narrow figured slits the low voice of an announcer burst through:

“Until now, the secret of the theft of the gold sword has not been revealed. Who among the moronoids needed to steal it? This is already not the first day the best sleuths of Tibidox ask this question. As you certainly know, here the gold sword has already caused serious differences between the “light” and “dark” magicians for one-and-a-half thousand years. Each of the sides attempted to use it in their magic rituals, supplementing it already with available arsenal of magic objects. Let us recall that with ten white and ten black magicians having all such objects, a definite balance of power is created. Adding the twenty-first object could give an advantage to one of the sides. Because of this about a thousand years ago a strict ban was imposed on the use of the gold sword, and the sword itself, in order to not stir up temptation in anyone, was transferred into the world of the moronoids. Now this taboo is disrupted. The strongest magic object, perhaps equal to the Hair of The Ancient One or the rarest instruments of Theophilus Grotter, is in the hands of an unknown thief. Who is this thief? What camp is he connected to? And the main, the most important question — is he somehow connected with She-Who-Is-No-More? As yet there is no answer to this question, since the magic of the sword, until now, has not been freed...”

Tanya’s hand trembled slightly. The pin turned. The voice of the announcer disappeared, and instead of this in the narrow slots of the double bass a strange jingling melody burst out. It was like someone was banging a large spoon on a cracked cauldron, and somewhere in the distance a sandstorm was howling...

“ Aurelis fifas geras shibarshitus parallelis

Gruntis Brunti Truntis Frat Guaerobus Rodopat

Filostesis Grupus Byakis Mikronimos Zapulyatos

Sheburshun and Sheropat Zakolyanus Arapat, ”

someone pronounced distinctly.

Shrugging her shoulders, Tanya again turned the pin and heard a brisk female voice:

“To us daily at radio station Witchcraft Granny hundreds of cupids with full bags of letters fly in and thousands of heartgrams from very young witches creep in with one and the same question: ‘How to find a husband? ’ There is nothing simpler, my dear. Write the prescription, known even in the times of the legendary Tsar Gorokh and told to him personally by the famous Tsarina Savochkina, bewitching her twelfth husband this way. Take ninety grams of ground dinosaur bones, added a little mermaid scale, three nails of a kikimora, seven feathers of a white crow, and dissolve all this in dragon blood. Thoroughly mix the obtained solution with a sliver of a coffin and drink it on a night with a new moon. Done that? And now rejoice! Till the following moon you are completely enticing and irresistible. Make full use of this time to find yourself a husband. True, this method has one side effect. After only one moon you will begin to grow thick whiskers, and your weight will increase by forty kilograms. However, if one considers that in the magic world marriages are not annulled, you can take the full risk. With you was the well-known healer Nagiana Pripyatskaya...”

“Oho-ho, ” thought Tanya. “The magicians have the same problem as Aunt Ninel... How do I find out if someone in her time sold her such a potion when she was chasing after Uncle Herman? Very likely so! ”

She stretched the string a little more. A squeak was heard, a noise, the hissing of radio waves, and then the double bass suddenly squeaked with a child’s voice:

“ You will drink bitter pesticide — you will get hit by a brick in the nose! Conjure, wood-goblin, concoct, grandpa, — there are no spare machine guns! Oh, mama, they marked me... Where are my invisible running shoes and the flying cap with ears? ”

Tanya did not have time to switch over when the double bass unexpectedly began to shake in her hands, bounced, started to vibrate from an unusual force and confidently addressed in a ringing voice:

“Everybody-everybody-everybody! You’re listening to reporting from a dragonball match between the vampire team and the composite team of Bald Mountain witches... With you I’m the resilient and loved by all Bab-Yagun... The match today is proceeding with difficulty — a gusty wind from the direction of the ocean is interfering, regularly hurling players off their vacuums. Likely someone from the ill-wishers of our form of sport directed a magic formula, which they are trying unsuccessfully to remove here for the third hour already.

“I’m standing on the guest stand of the central stadium. To the right rises the central Tower of Tibidox. Next to it the Tower of Ghosts is smoking — not long ago the dragon of the vampire team ran into it and grazed it with its tongue of flames. At the present moment the water crew is putting out the Tower of Ghosts, but this match, it goes without saying, cannot be called off...

“If you saw what’s been created on the stands! The vampires have completely broken loose from all restraints! I’m sure you hear in the microphone their raving cries and the howls that freeze the soul. Under the direction of Professor Sardanapal and the Magic Federation of Tibidox on dragonball all vampires were extremely cautiously ordered to put on muzzles. Otherwise undoubtedly blood would spill. Taking into account that the nature of the Bald Mountain witches is also far from perfect, this could provoke a terrible brawl, similar to the one at the match between the Tadzhik genies and the ‘dark’ magicians, when, as a result of collisions, twelve spectators were exposed to the irreversible curse, and eight more vanished to who knows where...

“I don’t much like today’s match: both the witches and the vampires are playing poorly. A few sharp moments, the forwards, it seems, are afraid to fly close to the hostile dragons and are throwing the balls from a distance, where they in no way can drop into the goal... Oh, it seems I spoke too soon! The Bald Mountain witches defence is malfunctioning. The vampire forward Mourner is breaking open ahead with an immobilize ball, the most dangerous of all balls in a match! If he throws it into the mouth of the dragon, the Bald Mountain witches will not be able to lay claim to a victory...

“He is going around one defender, another... If you could have seen that courageous gesture with which he shifted from one hand to the other the pipe of the diving vacuum! His engine roars with strain, spewing from the nozzle small debris and kikimora scales. Oh-oh-oh!!!!!!!!

“Here Mourner swings... You hear the roar at the stands... No goal! Oh no, what’s this? Over the stands rolls a moan — the characteristic, bloodcurdling moan of the vampires. They say moronoids immediately faint from this moan... The Bald Mountain dragon slams shut its mouth, thus making the goal inaccessible... The ball hits it directly in the eye and explodes! The dragon is in a fury! It’s flapping its wings, lashing with its flexible tail, and breaking away from the place. Longing to get even, it rushes after the forward of the vampire team... What will it be? Clutching at the pipe and almost sprawling vertically in the air, Mourner deftly turns and tries to hide in his model Turnon-2003 jet vacuum.

“The wind whistles... Unbelievable speed... Must acknowledge, I did not expect this from the Turnon... It seemed to me, having sufficient manoeuvrability, this model is not capable of sudden acceleration. Most likely the grandmasters of the vampire team strengthened Mourner’s Turnon with a dozen speed-up spells. In general this violates the rules, but, taking into account that the witches also cheated somewhere for sure, they can get away with something...

“No, this dragon is zealously evil! It seriously intended to overtake Mourner. They don’t feed the dragons a year and a half before the match so that they would be livelier, but this one, in my opinion, has not been fed for no less than three years. Or, I also don’t exclude that when the witches gave the dragon red-hot mercury to drink, they added into it several drops of bile of an old skinflint. Similar doping is in no way diagnosed, but then it makes dragons one and a half times more evil.

“The dragon, pursuing, fires a flame at Mourner, and that one, avoiding, is forced to sharply gain altitude... It contradicts the laws of gravity, it contradicts everything that I know!

“I swear by the Hair of The Ancient One, here it is — the gripping moment of the match! Its climax! Its turning point!

“Two other vampires on brightly dyed vacuums try to distract the dragon from its prey. They almost succeeded, but that it... Oh no! One of the tongues of flames casually catches Mourner’s vacuum... The pipe has melted, the motor conks out. A miracle that the vacuum is still hanging in the air. Must be the protecting talismans helping. The dragon is getting nearer... Here it already opens its terrible mouth... Mourner shouts and dives like a swallow from the vacuum, hoping to use the nose scarf-parachute. Too late — the dragon catches him right in its mouth... Swallows... Nightmare! The vampire team is left without its best player...

“A dangerous moment! GO-O-AL! One more! I don’t believe my eyes! Making use of the situation, the Bald Mountain witches break open to the vampire dragon and throw into its mouth a flame-extinguisher, and after it also a pepper ball...

“The vampire team dragon, receiving, as we know, a wing injury after the collision with the tower, has not managed to slam shut its mouth... The balls explode at once, freeing bewitching charges... The flame goes out... The dragon begins to sneeze, and from its throat three previously swallowed forwards and a referee of the match, Nightingale O. Robber, fly out by somersault. They don’t look well: three hours in the mouth of a dragon — grave experience! Wait, and who’s this still flying out from the dragon’s mouth? Really spectators? Yes, so it is! Must be, these are those poor wretches who risked getting into the match without protector tickets... Well, once again it remains to be startled by the tremendous scent of dragons...

“The umpire blows the magic whistle! Really? Yes, so it is — a complete victory for the Bald Mountain team! Collars are put on the dragons and, gradually calmed, they are led away into the fireproof hangars, where the genies will be busy with them... Interesting, will we see Mourner again or will befall him the fate of the magician Abbakum Violet, swallowed three years ago and simply forgotten in the dragon’s mouth? For the vampires it would be extremely lamentable to be deprived of this outstanding forward... On this note, my dear listeners, I conclude my reporting. With you was the dear to all and irritating to many Bab-Yagun...

“Wait... What is that noise in the third hangar? From there, cowardly covering their heads, a half dozen genie umpires jump out... And behind them, against the sky... What idiot forgot to put a spell on additional hangar gates? I swear by my grandma, it is Goyaryn itself, the terrible fighting dragon, heads hardly filling its mouth! We all thought that it is in hibernation, but, obviously the noise of the stadium woke it up. A terrible, terrible roar... The magic wall separating the playing field from the spectators is cracked... Goyaryn is breathing out puffs of sulphur — must be it is still insufficiently heated for flame throwing... What is this? It is trying to take off! Run for your lives! It’s flying over here! Why is it without an anti-swallow muzzle? Ah-ah-ah! ”

A terrible sound was heard, similar to “Hrum-hrum.”

From the wild howl the double bass jumped a metre, its strings began to hum, and everything fell silent. Tanya rushed to the double bass, pressed it against her ear, but it no longer issued a single sound, no matter how much she turned the pin. The mysterious broadcast was broken.

“Dragonball! ” Tanya exclaimed. “Unbelievable, magicians flying in the air and throwing balls into a dragon’s mouth! The one without luck, then hrum-hrum... No so bad entertainment! Nanaian jokes in the spirit of Pipa! ”

At the same time she could not but acknowledge that although the rules of the game were not quite clear to her for the time being, she would not refuse to be present at this match. Where else can raging live goal swallow dozens of spectators, not counting the players themselves? It is not for you the dull human soccer match, which Uncle Herman watches on television, where there is only a pair of motionlessly fixed goal.

Reflecting on her luck in revealing to herself one of the wonderful special features of the double bass — namely its ability to receive magic radio waves, — Tanya was already going to settle down on her damp squeaky folding bed when suddenly from outside, where there was nothing besides the close and unfriendly cold autumnal sky and several squeaking trees, a deafening “pchxi! ” was heard.

The girl jumped and pressed her nose against the glass. At first she saw absolutely nothing, but here again “pchxi! ” was repeated, and such that even the glass began to rattle. Tanya shifted her gaze slightly more to the right and below and... it seemed to her that she was delirious... In any case, if something similar appeared in Pipa’s dream, she would immediately begin to roll on the floor, howling: “I’m off my rocker! I’m unable to think straight! Treat me, twenty doctors! ”

In the grey evening sky directly opposite the window a bed with a spring mattress was hovering. On the bed a huge mummy lay full-length, wrapped up to the eyes in either bandages or tarred burial cloth. The left plastered foot of the mummy was suspended on an extension... As for the right... No, with the right foot everything was as if in order... Here it only had on a sufficiently strange shoe — an enormous army boot with a gold spur.