A Baby in a Case

Tanya Grotter and the Magic Double Bass

Dmitrii Emets

Translated from Russian by

Jane H. Buckingham

Prologue

The black sorceress Plague-del-Cake, whose name they dread even to pronounce aloud, climbing to power, destroys the brilliant magicians one by one. Among her victims — the remarkable white magician Leopold Grotter. His daughter Tanya, by some unknown means, manages to avoid death, but on the tip of her nose a mysterious birthmark remains for life... Plague-del-Cake mysteriously disappears, and Tanya Grotter turns out to be abandoned to the family of businessman Durnev, her distant relative... In this extremely unpleasant family she lives until the age of ten, and then finds herself in the unique world of the Tibidox School of Magic...

Chapter 1

A Baby in a Case

On a bright autumnal morning when everything in the world appeared harshly vivid and disgracefully happy and the foliage on the trees shone as if it was doused with golden tinsel, from the entrance of a multi-storey house on Rublev Road came a stooping tall person in a grey coat.

His name was Herman Durnev, the director of the firm Second-Hand Socks and the father of a year-old daughter Pipa (short for Penelope).

Stopping under the eaves of the entrance, Durnev looked around disapprovingly. The sun, whose roundish face was as flat as a pancake, indulged itself on the neighbouring roof as if being lazy and considering whether it would be worthwhile for it to rise further or to come down as is. On a pile of leaves not far from the entrance a woman in an orange overall was half lying and looking into the open hatch. Her profile was regular, Greek outlines, and the copper-red hair puffed out so that they made one involuntarily think of snakes. In the hatch someone was rumbling and messing around boisterously. The haughty sparrows were pecking something on the asphalt, briskly, like rubber balls, jumping away from passers-by.

From the windows and cellars, from squares and empty parks, from the crowns of trees and the sky with wisps of clouds hanging, from cats’ eyes and ladies’ handbags, from the exhaust pipes of automobiles, from price lists at the stores, and the still sunburnt noses of summer residents — from everywhere, rubbing carrot yellow palms, the quite young, recently born October looked out.

But all this beauty was of no concern whatever to Herman Durnev. Weather, and in general nature, only interested him enough for determining whether or not to take an umbrella with him or whether it was time to put snow tires with spikes on the car.

He looked at his watch and reached for a small box with homeopathic medicine.

“What a cad this sun is! One, two... And indeed you cannot spit on it... At least it generally dies out... Really, on such a day who can be in the mood for work? Five, six... Sooner or later I’ll really have an ulcer... Or already have... Seven...” he muttered, counting off little beads and placing them under his tongue.

When the little beads had dissolved, Durnev started to think better and said to himself:

“Well now, now I’ll indeed live until dinner if I don’t get blood poisoning from the new corn plaster.”

Certainly Durnev also did not suspect that he was being observed. A large disgusting-looking bird: gloomy, dishevelled, with a long scruffy neck on which there were almost no feathers, was observing him from the eaves of the entrance. The bird held in its beak a photograph cut out from a magazine and was looking at it... yes, it was the same — Herman Durnev, taken together with his wife Ninel and daughter Pipa at the International Suspenders Exhibition in the All-Russia Exhibition Centre.

Occasionally the bird lowered the photograph onto a metal sheet and started to meticulously compare the present Durnev with the photograph. At the same time disgusting greenish lumps of mucus dripped from the beak onto the photograph.

It is possible to imagine how surprised Durnev would be if he were to casually raise his head and take a look at who was sitting on the eaves of the entrance. However, Herman Nikitich was not among those who pay attention to birds, if, it goes without saying, it was not a cooked chicken lying before him on a plate. Moreover, at the given moment the dodgy mind of the head of the firm Second-Hand Socks was occupied with the solution of a question, how to get custom clearance for two railroad cars of used handkerchiefs under the guise of goods for children.

Durnev walked down from the porch and, stepping on the charmingly bright yellow leaves several times with obvious pleasure, turned on his heel. Having done this, already completely indifferently he passed many other leaves and sat down in the new black car. The car started to purr and was off. The bird with the naked neck gravely broke away from the eaves and flew after the car, clearly not intending to lose sight of it.

* * *

The woman sitting on the lawn, whom Durnev in passing thought of as a repair person, followed the bird with a penetrating glance and muttered to herself under her breath:

“I would like to know what Lifeless Griffin is doing here. The last time I met him was when they got the Titanic down into the water. Don’t remember what happened with the steamship there but for sure there was some trouble.”

She threw up her hand, on her middle finger was a sparkling ring, and she whispered quietly:

“ Sparkis frontis! ”

At the same moment a green spark escaped from the ring and singed one of the bird’s wings. Losing feathers, Lifeless Griffin collapsed onto the asphalt like a rock, crowed something hoarsely and, taking off again, threw himself behind the nearest house.

The mysterious person blew on the glowing ring.

“I hate these living corpses. They cannot be killed a second time. Indeed better to deal simply with evil spirits, ” she muttered.

Meanwhile, in the hatch, something came down with a terrible crash. Water splashed.

“A-a-choo! ” It was heard from the hatch so deafeningly that the cover even jumped up.

Having forgotten about the bird, the repair person — if, of course, this was a repair person — leaned anxiously over the hatch:

“Professor, you will catch cold! I beg you, at least put on a scarf! ”

“Medusa, don’t be ridiculous! A scarf will not help divers! ” A voice immediately responded.

But this did not calm the woman a bit.

“I swear by the Hair of The Ancient One, it’s really too much! Only imagine, the very academician of White magic, the head of the Tibidox School of Magic, Sardanapal Chernomorov is forced to remove the simplest spells of the evil spirits! Where, please permit me to ask, are our junior magicians, where are the assistants? ” She asked, pressing her lips tightly.

The rumbling in the hatch stopped. To the surface rose a small rosy chubby person dressed in an orange overall, from which water was trickling down... No, please excuse me, not an overall but a robe. It could seem like an overall only to a not very keen observer and even then only at first glance. Precisely the same orange robe was also on his companion.

“A-a-choo! Medusa! All this, right, this nonsense, it’s not worthwhile to trouble anyone! A-a-choo! Without practice, in two years I would become a helpless office magician. Are there any among us lazy people who can even turn into a pig without the ring? To say nothing of the highest disciplines, such as theoretical magic, levitation, protection from hexes, or the production of talismans.”

Having cited this deadly, in his opinion, reason, the academician Sardanapal stood on tiptoes and cheerfully looked around. His right moustache was green and the left yellow. But the strangest thing was that the moustaches were never in a state of rest for a second. They either coiled like two live ropes, or were interlaced, or aimed to entwine the temples of the eyeglasses and pull them off from the chubby person’s nose. True, it was not so simple to do this, since the glasses were kept on clearly not so much by the temples, having come loose a long time ago, as by a special spell.

As far as the beard of the academician was concerned, its colour was generally not determined, since it first appeared then disappeared. For sure it was possible to say only one thing — the beard was phenomenally long, so long that it was necessary to repeatedly wind it around the body and to hide the ends in a pocket.

Noticing finally that his robe was soaked, the head of the school of magic muttered:

“ Firstus drumus! ”

Steam came off the clothing and a few minutes later it was completely dry again.

“Ah, what a wonderful fall day! ” Sardanapal exclaimed, turning to his companion. “It’s like that day they chopped off my head for the first time! Don’t you agree, Medusa? ”

The instructor of studies of evil spirits, the associate professor Medusa Gorgonova, grimaced and ran her fingers along her neck.

“Ugh! It’s possible to wait only for dirty tricks from moronoids... They also chopped off my head. Unrestrained type in winged sandals, staring into his own shield. Then I was a badly brought up witch with nightmarish habits, and only you, Professor, would re-educate me, ” she said.

The moustaches of Sardanapal trembled with pleasure.

“Do stop, how many times can one be thanked! A real trifle it was to stick in your head! For that it was not even necessary to resort to serious magic, a simple and plain spinning spell was quite sufficient. Well, and that you renounced your previous habits, — honour and praise to you! My credit was... ahem... of the minimum... ahem...”

“How can you say so?! ” Medusa exclaimed. “I changed travellers into sculptures! Anyone who looked at me instantly became stone! ”

“Nonsense, don’t think of that! You were a very young girl, having complexes because of pimples, and here you bewitched those poor devils who saw you by chance. Frankly speaking, I understand you very well: these ancient Greeks poked their noses into everywhere. You even took yourself out of their sight further to the island, and they nevertheless gadded about close by, swinging their swords. All that was demanded of me was to cure you of pimples. And what a beauty you have become! Even Koshchei the Deathless constantly blushes when he comes flying into Tibidox on the skeleton of his faithful horse...”

“Bad old man! Forty kilograms of silver-plated bones, gold crock, amber teeth — and all this in armour from Paco Grabanne! ” Medusa frowned.

“But you’ll not argue that he has fallen in love with you! ”

Associate professor Gorgonova blushed embarrassingly. The red spots flaring up suddenly in different places on her cheeks resembled something like cherries.

“Sardanapal! I beg you! ” She exclaimed reproachfully.

The moustaches of the academician of white magic trembled guiltily.

“Cursed malice! After I accidentally drank an infusion with harpy venom, in no way can I get rid of it. I’ve tried the liver of dragon, and half a glass of green spirit with a drop of basilisk bile in the morning and before bed — nothing helps! ” He complained.

“Don’t apologize, I’m not offended. I simply don’t like it when they utter that name around me...” Medusa softened. “Better tell me this: did you really drag me here from Tibidox itself only to remove the spell of this utterly useless hatch, which pulls in keys and coins of passers-by? Only don’t be sly. We’ve already known each other for three thousand years...”

Sardanapal reproachfully looked at his companion and blew his nose into a gigantic star-covered hanky, which had mysteriously appeared suddenly in his hand. The stars on the hanky winked and formed themselves into whimsical constellations, moreover the constellation Ara attempted with meteorites to get rid of the constellation Sagittarius.

“Medusa, you’re arguing like a sorceress. Put yourself in the place of a normal person. Keys — they’re not trash. A person deprived of keys has a real chance of spending the night on a bench and catching a head cold... Like me, for example.”

“Your head cold is from your not putting on a scarf when we flew over the ocean... And the needs of moronoids disturb me very little. In their world there are fully enchanted hatches, turnstiles gone hog wild, and cellars slamming shut by itself. Evil spirits don’t sit on their hands. We’ll hardly leave and they’ll again put a spell on this hatch. And we’ll not be able to do anything about it.”

Seeing that his companion was starting to get angry, Academician Sardanapal lightly blew on the hanky, and it melted in his palm, having changed into a dark-blue washcloth beforehand.

“Excuse me, Medusa. Recently I suspect that someone also put a spell on my sense of humour. Not excluding that the Tadzhik genies put an evil eye on it, I forbade them to arrange dust storms... M-m... Did you see the man, who recently went out of the entrance? ”

“I saw. But how did you manage to? I must say that you were underground! ”

Sardanapal smiled mysteriously:

“Oh, if I want to see something, a few metres of asphalt cannot hinder me. And what do you think of him? ”

“Extremely unpleasant character... Br-r... Even among moronoids you usually expect better.”

“Now, now, Medusa, don’t you be so harsh. At least out of respect for the memory of Leopold Grotter.”

“ LEOPOLD GROTTER? He knew him? ” Medusa exclaimed dumbfounded.

Sardanapal nodded.

“More than that. He’s his relative. And even sufficiently close — in all the nephew of his grandmother’s second cousin. Of course, for moronoids of this type — related only through Adam, but you and I know the formula of magic-kinship of Astrocactus the Paranoid! ”

“He is a relative of Grotter! So this is why we...”

“Shh! ” The academician suddenly brought a finger to his lips, ordering Medusa to keep quiet. Both his moustaches at once sprang up and pointed at the sewage hatch.

Nodding, Medusa noiselessly stole up to the hatch and, squatting down, abruptly pushed her hand through it. At the same second a nasty screech was heard from the well.

“There it is! I got it! Hey, stop! ”The instructor of studies of evil spirits shouted.

When the hand of Medusa again showed itself on the surface, her fingers firmly clutched the ear of a little lady with a bumpy violet nose and green hair. The feet of the hissing lady were very curious — flat and rather resembling flippers. The prisoner hissed, spat, clicked her triangular teeth, and attempted to kick Gorgonova first with the right flipper, then with the left, and then with both alternately.

“ Killga for revenga! And tellgi someone to let gogi! Setgi upon bitingi! Fiegi on yougi! And fiegi on yougi! ” She screamed furiously.

“How do you like that — a kikimora! Curious little example, sufficiently large...” Chernomorov commented, examining with interest the game caught by Medusa.

“Again it’s an evil spirit! ” Medusa winced with disgust. “Now and then I begin to doubt that She-Who-Is-No-More actually disappeared. That someone sent Lifeless Griffin, and now here is this fright... Hey, don’t you twitch! ”

“ A-a-a! She scarega! Scumgi let gogi! Gogi my own businessgi! You needgi ripgi megi pantgi! Fiegi on yougi! ” The kikimora squealed, not giving up the attempts to kick Medusa with her flippers. It was necessary for Medusa to hold her at a distance with an outstretched arm, which was not simple since the kikimora was sufficiently well-fed.

“Stop wailing! Who sent you? Speak! ” Medusa demanded severely.

“ No saygi nothingi! Stupidga witchga! Now peckgu you throughgu! Playgu in your coffingu! ” The kikimora squealed angrily, trying to accompany her words with aimed spittle.

Gorgonova gave the kikimora a quick glance with her penetrating eyes.

“Try! ” She said threateningly.

“ You veryga need mega! ” The sly kikimora instantly changed her mind and mournfully started to whisper that she was an unlucky orphan and that everyone could insult her, an orphan.

“Aha, you’ll insult yourself, orphan! ” Sardanapal hummed and hawed. The academician pretended that he wanted to bring a finger to the mouth of the kikimora, and right away her sharp triangular teeth clicked, exactly like a trap. If Sardanapal did not jerk back his hand, he would have one finger less.

“She’ll not tell anything. I know this kind. And that she did not roam here of her own affair, it’s so clear. Maybe we’ll preserve her in alcohol for the museum so that no one would make a slip of the tongue? ” The instructor of studies of evil spirits proposed, energetically shaking the kikimora by the ear.

“ A-a-a-a-a! Don’t wantga be in alcoholga! Will keepga quietga! Will be the quietest hushga! ” The kikimora began to bawl shrilly.

“Not worth it, Medusa. It’s completely not necessary to put her in a jar. I’ll make it so that she’ll forget everything.” With a dexterity which was difficult to expect from a clumsy phlegmatic person with a round belly, Sardanapal seized the kikimora by a flipper and, blowing into her ear, uttered in an undertone:

“ Scleroticus marasmoticus! Fillissimo moronissimo! ”

After this, he cold-bloodedly unclenched his fingers, dropping the spy onto the grass. For a while the green lady crazily shook her head, clearly in great confusion. She looked at Sardanapal and Medusa dully and without curiosity. Making several staggering steps on the lawn, the kikimora gathered her senses slightly, snorted contemptuously and, having reached the hatch in a waddle, jumped in there like a soldier. From the hatch a small fountain of water splashed out, several bad words were heard — and everything quieted down.

“She swam away, ” said Sardanapal, indicating the direction with his green moustache.

“All these evil spirits are terribly boring. It’s about time to put a spell on them so that they would not butt in on the moronoids. One day they’ll upset the balance of power and then it’ll be bad for us all.” Medusa anxiously clicked her tongue.

Sardanapal dismissed it lightly:

“Nonsense, Medusa. You exaggerate, as always. The evil spirits — they are a confused force, sprung from chaos and partially preserved from the times of paganism. Yes, many evil spirits, dozens of times more than us magicians — white and black, but they were never in a state of agreement among themselves. How often I remember, the evil spirits always broke bans, played dirty tricks on the moronoids, and impaired the balance. But as long as the Hair of The Ancient One is whole and the Gates are standing, our world is in danger from nothing. Even from the direction of the black magicians, whom we’ll in no way smoke out of Tibidox.”

“And what about She-Who-Is-No-More? ”

“I agree, she was unique, who knew how to organize the evil spirits and to set them on us. Moreover, she almost managed to force us magicians to hand over our positions to her. If not for Leopold Grotter and his newborn daughter...”

“Not only Grotter. You never feared her, Professor! Even when she was in power! ”

Sardanapal bashfully turned pink:

“Oh, certainly! I’m always ready to utter in everybody’s hearing her true name — Plague-del-Cake! You see? Plague-del-Cake! And nothing terrible! ”

The loud voice of the academician did not have time to stand still in the shifting labyrinth of high-rises as the glass of the terrace on the third floor spurted out splinters and from there, whipping with the cord, a gleaming iron flew out. With a whistle cutting the air, it rushed along precisely to Sardanapal’s head. Picking up the hems of his robe, the academician quickly jumped aside and muttered something. In that same moment the iron turned into vapour.

“Did you see that? She-Who-Is-No-More wanted to kill you! ” Medusa exclaimed fearfully.

“Nonsense. There is already no Auntie Plague... Simply one of the old spells snapping into action. She scattered thousands of them everywhere.” Sardanapal smiled and stepped on an escaped plug trying to coil around his leg with its cord.

Medusa flinched from loathing. In her thin hand in an unknown manner appeared a lorgnette, with which she examine parts of the destroyed iron.

“What an abomination! The next nasty invention of the moronoids... We’re leaving! There’s nothing more for us to do here.”

Chernomorov shook his head:

“And here’s where you’re mistaken. The time has come to carry out the most unpleasant and difficult part of our mission. I started to talk about this but we were interrupted. We must... however painful this is for us... leave Tanya to the man whom you just saw.”

Medusa Gorgonova recoiled. Her copper-red hair, even without being tousled, rose suddenly on end and started to hiss. A casual person not knowing what Medusa was connected with long ago in her past could swear that he just saw a ball of entwined snakes.

“WHAT?! Did I hear right? You want to give the daughter of Leopold Grotter to this pitiful moronoid? The girl who, in an unknown manner, survived a struggle with She-Who-Is-No-More? The girl with whom after a meeting She-Who-Is-No-More vanished? ”

Detecting the angry notes in Medusa’s voice, the academician hurriedly turned away in order to not accidentally look her in the eyes. To remove ancient magic is possible, but it has side effects.

“Medusa, we don’t have another way out, ” he said softly. “We simply cannot act otherwise. I swear by the Hair of The Ancient One, I would sooner let my moustaches be shaved off and my beard be cut than to give the daughter of Grotter to this moronoid, but... we must, we are simply obligated to do this for the good of the entire Tibidox.”

“But why? ” Medusa exclaimed. “Why? ”

The greatest of the magicians sunk down to the heap of leaves and stretched out his legs, which were in faded old-fashioned stockings. The last time he was in the human world was during the time of Catherine II and now, trying to dress fashionably, he missed the minor details.

“I’ll describe to you how everything was that night. You remember three days ago when everything happened, a terrible thunderstorm broke out...”

“... clearly of magical origin. We don’t even know exactly who sent it, ” added Medusa.

“Precisely. On that night through the window of the main tower of Tibidox, where, as you know, my alchemic laboratory is located, a wet trembling little cupid in red suspenders flew right to me...” reported Sardanapal.

His moustaches immediately formed into two hearts. They liked to slightly spite their host. Hiding a smile, the associate professor Gorgonova licked her lips.

“A cupid? To you? But indeed a cupid — is amour, and amour...”

The moustaches rose up in offence. The right one even attempted to smack Medusa on the nose but could not reach her.

“I should explain who these cupids are, ” Sardanapal pronounced dryly. “I’ll confuse them with neither harpies nor house spirits nor members of the dragonball team of Tibidox. And it’ll be known to you, the purpose of his visit was far from romantic. In our dull century they more often declare their love by telephone. The arrows of amour already break through to no one anymore — the skin has become painfully thick, here it’s necessary for the wretched cupids to be occupied with mail delivery. And should they somehow earn nectar and ambrosia for themselves? So here, the little cupid squeezed his wet suspenders off and handed me a letter from Leopold Grotter.”

“The last letter of Grotter! ” Medusa exclaimed. Her irony instantly evaporated. “But you never told anyone...”

The moustaches of Sardanapal swept with the speed of windshield wipers, showing that this was top secret.

“Certainly no one. And you’ll soon understand why. Only those I absolutely trust should know the truth. I sent the little cupid to warm up in a Russian bath — I confess, I’m even glad that the cyclopes built it in our basement (although sometimes the steam undoubtedly starts with a jerk), — and I immediately began to read the letter. It was very laconic: Grotter informed that after many failures he had succeeded in finally obtaining the Talisman of Four Elements.”

Medusa’s pupils narrowed. She looked uneasily around the hatch, checking whether a curious bumpy face climbed from it.

“Most likely I’ve lost my mind, ” she muttered dizzily. “The Talisman of Four Elements, comprising the forces of fire, air, earth, and water! A Talisman giving enormous power to whoever wears it... Perhaps, the one who wields the Talisman could defy the very... She-Who...”

“Yes, Plague-del-Cake, ” Sardanapal courageously defined more precisely, involuntarily glancing upward: whether an iron would yet whistle. “Grotter wrote: in order to get the Talisman, he used one hundred forty-seven different components, among which, as I assume, carnelian and mouse tears absolutely had to be present... Well, but the secret of all the rest he took with himself to the grave...”

“And his Talisman? You have it? ” Medusa asked excitedly.

“The Talisman had vanished. It disappeared in the most improbable way. But you have not listened to the end... Hardly waiting for the end of the thunderstorm, I sat on the jet sofa and flew to Leopold Grotter.”

“You flew on the jet sofa? ”

Chernomorov was embarrassed. Nevertheless, one can hardly say very.

“Yes, I understand what you want to say: someone among the students, especially from the “black, ” could see and make a laughing stock of me. I’ll say: academician, laureate of the award of Magic Suspenders, head of the legendary Tibidox flying on a tattered sofa with plucked chicken wings... A sofa, from which copper springs stick out... It was already late, and no one saw me... And how? Really someone would look out the window, having heard nothing but a little rumble... M-m... I even almost ran into the stained-glass panel of the Hall of Two Elements, but if the glass also crumbled, then through the course of time... Nevertheless it was seven hundred years old...”

“A nightmare! And I thought that the stained-glass panel was fractured by lightning! ” Medusa thought.

“At first I wanted to use a flying carpet, but to set out on a carpet in this dampness would be a waste: moth would damage it. And then, the jet sofa is almost one-and-a-half times faster... Well, and I don’t speak of boot-runners at all. Since, as they were hexed, their accuracy of landing is almost twenty versts... Oh, of course, I could take a mop with propeller or a flying vacuum, but you know full well that they are uncomfortable. One’s back becomes numb during long flights on them, and the absence of baggage carrier interferes with taking even the least load with you.”

The instructor of studies of evil spirits sighed very quietly. For a long time, those in Tibidox were already used to Academician Sardanapal’s eccentricities. He could very well, mixing up the epochs, appear at work in a Roman toga or set someone’s ear wax on fire by mistake, after confusing it with a grey chemical. And what about that case with the guest from Bald Mountain, when the academician sent him on a three-month sleep, having accidentally read to him the hibernation spell for gophers instead of the salutatory speech? But whatever you may say, nevertheless he was the greatest magician since The Ancient One.

“Are you listening to me, Medusa? In my opinion you were distracted! ” The academician reproachfully glanced at his companion, and she, worrying, understood too late that she forgot to protect her thoughts with a guard spell.

When you deal with a powerful magician, never overlook any small detail.

“So, I flew to Leopold, ” continued Sardanapal. “The wind was favourable, so that I was on the road for no more than three hours. Before reaching the place, I detected a great number of evil spirits swarming around his house. They were behaving very strangely — muttering something, panting, walking in circles, and were generally somewhat dejected. Noticing me, the evil spirits dispersed in countable minutes. You know these essences: first many of them, then suddenly, at one go, none...”

“And no one even attempted an attack? ” Medusa was astonished.

“Absolutely not. I did not believe my own eyes. Only Plague-del-Cake could assemble so many evil spirits in one place, and she would indeed not miss a chance to settle a score with me. Here’s the riddle — still very recently the evil spirits were ready to tear us into shreds, but now it’s as if we don’t exist for them... Busy with their own little squabbles.”

“And then you surmised that She-Who-Is-No-More vanished? ”

“Well, I haven’t quite surmised yet, but I’m already pondering. I approached the house of Leopold, knocked — no sound in answer. Then I pushed the door, and it opened. It didn’t even open but simply fell from a single touch. In the house everything was turned upside down. Internal walls had collapsed, handrails were charred, only chips left from the furniture. Likely someone endowed with immense magical power uttered a spell of total annihilation. I rushed into the laboratory. It suffered most of all. Even the granite boulder that served Leopold as a table for experiments crumbled into powder, I hardly touched it...” the voice of Sardanapal trembled. “Grotter and his wife Sophia... there was already no help for them. Even I could not help, although, as you know, Medusa, I slightly understand magic. But here is a miracle — in the middle of the laboratory, on the floor dented by the spell, among the crumbled plaster lay a case for a double bass, and in it — a tiny little girl, their daughter... We knew the Grotters well, Medusa, they were people of skill, magicians of superior material. Magic and music — what they lived for. They did not even have a baby carriage for the child, managed entirely with a case for the double bass. Afraid that the girl was also dead, I leaned over the case, and — oh, a miracle! — she was sleeping serenely, and gripped in her palm was a silver scorpion of Plague-del-Cake...”

Medusa straightened abruptly. Her copper-red hair again hissed like snakes.

“How? That same scorpion-killer which She-Who-Is-No-More sent to sting her victims when she wanted to take pleasure in their tortures? ”

“Yes. But it could not injure the girl, although on the tip of her nose I noticed two red spots. Likely the scorpion stung her directly on the birthmark. Even a light bite was usually sufficient to kill an adult magician... But she, this baby, simply crushed it. A year-old girl, not even awake, dealt with the silver scorpion.”

“However, it’s incredible that she survived. But if the scorpion got rid of its venom? Or was it used earlier? ” Gorgonova asked with distrust.

“No, there was enough venom. And Plague-del-Cake did not keep old scorpions. But even if we forget about the scorpion, another thing remains: the spell of complete annihilation — this terrible white flash which burns out everything all around, — also could not harm Tanya. And indeed this form of magic is not among those directed selectively. It destroys everyone and everything that happened to be close by, with the exception of the one who cast it.”

Tears rolled down the cheek of Medusa and fell onto the heap of maple leaves. The leaves began to smoke. The first unknown folk narrator calling female tears fuel was likely acquainted with a sorceress.

“The unlucky Grotters! But what about the Talisman of Four Elements? ” Medusa sobbed.

“I was never able to find it, ” said Sardanapal. “It was neither by Leopold nor his wife Sophia nor by the child... It was nowhere in the house. Most likely it was destroyed by the spell together with all the rest of Grotter’s inventions. True, at first I suspected that Plague-del-Cake took it, but, if this were so, we would already have known about it. No, it actually disappeared, and the strange behaviour of the evil spirits — a better confirmation of that. I don’t know what happened in the house of the Grotters, but this tiny little girl did what no single magician could... She stopped She-Who-Is-No-More...”

Only now detecting the burning leaves under her feet, Medusa uttered a short spell accompanied by a sign, which her magic ring traced directly in the air. The fire went out. For a little while the sign traced by Medusa hung in the air, weakly wavering. Gorgonova angrily wiped it off with her palm.

“But why do you want to give the girl up to Durnev? Why send her into the world to moronoids? Why can’t we bring her up in Tibidox? ” She asked with vexation.

“Medusa, have you forgotten what place Tibidox is? Indeed you should know, but there’s absolutely nothing for a child to do there. Only imagine to yourself, Tibidox — and suddenly a child?

“And if Eyeless Horror comes to the surface? Or, let us say, Dumpling Maker let go of his Coffin Lid, and it, like last time, lying in wait for students lingering on the dark stairs? And the cyclopes, getting violent each full moon? And Ripper, whom, by the way, you wrongfully dragged out of the scorching cave in the Earth’s core, where he was incarcerated.”

“He promised that he would drop all his habits and would be our porter. You yourself know that it is complicated to rely on the cyclopes. These dimwits have heads like sieves, ” Medusa said, justifying herself. “And later... well, you yourself know what happened later...”

“Precisely... The invisible Ripper walks along the corridors of Tibidox, howls, croaks, and does what suits him, and even we cannot catch him because he can be reflected only in the Mirror of Fate, but he doesn’t show his nose there! ” Sardanapal shouted angrily. “And you want me to let the daughter of Grotter into Tibidox? ”

“But I can cast guard spells! The most powerful guard spells, which neither Ripper nor Death nor Wooden Hag nor Eyeless Horror will trespass. And the empty Wheelchair and the flying Coffin Lid — they are indeed a trifle altogether. They are only capable of causing harm to a novice not knowing the rebuff spell...” Medusa said with contempt.

“And a newborn girl, in your opinion, is capable of uttering it? ”

“No, she is not capable. But, Sardanapal, we can in the end bathe her in the Deflecting Bath, and then...”

The academician of white magic interrupted her:

“Yes, I agree. We can. Coffin Lid — it’s nothing. Wheelchair — also nothing. Freezing Traps and Statue-Crushers also, perhaps, nonsense. But Nameless Cellar? And is the Vanishing Floor also a trifle? We, up to now, still don’t know what became of those two bums who managed to make their way there. And in conclusion, what will you say about the Sinister Gates? ”

Medusa shuddered.

“You’re right, Sardanapal, ” she said, crushed. “I forgot about Nameless Cellar and Sinister Gates... But she’s the daughter of Grotter! A girl who managed to survive a meeting with She-Who-Is-No-More and to endure...”

The academician interrupted her:

“We don’t know how she managed it, but we know what this cost Leopold and Sophia. And to subject the girl to danger again... Besides this...” here Sardanapal made a long pause, “there is still one more reason... Extremely important, for which Tanya in no way can be found in Tibidox. In any case, she must not appear there for as long as possible...”

“What reason?! ” Medusa exclaimed hotly. Sardanapal looked at her reproachfully.

“For the time being I cannot tell you, although I trust you more than anybody. But it’s that same reason why Grotter did not remain to live in Tibidox, but took Sophia and the child away into such wilderness, where, besides marshy brownies, werewolves, and evil spirits, you will meet no one else. And it’s Grotter — with his capital education, excellent manners, and habit of making music daily. Understand, Medusa? ”

The associate professor Gorgonova nodded despondently, realizing that the reason that drove Grotter into the wilderness and forced him to forsake Tibidox in the bloom of his career had to be very weighty.

“So, it’s decided... Tonight we’ll return here with the child and abandon her to Herman Durnev and his wife. It cannot be that the sight of a poor orphan would not touch their hearts... Let them bring her up together with their own daughter. Girls of the same age will be merrier together. We’re going, Medusa. Time for us! A-a-a-a-choo! ” The academician suddenly sneezed so deafeningly that all the constellations were blown off his hanky at once, and the phone booth standing by the house tumbled with a crash to one side.

“I said you’d catch a cold! ” Medusa said reproachfully.

“Nonsense! ” Sardanapal was angry. “Stop keeping an eye on my health! He who had his head chopped off three times cannot be afraid of a common head cold... Choo! ”

The academician of white magic wrapped himself tighter in his orange robe and, decisively treading on his beard, made his way past the houses to the small square. His restless moustaches were making a signal in time to the steps: one-two, one-two. Medusa picked her way after him.

Many passers-by filling the street in that hour and hurrying on their own affairs paid them very little attention. And what should even draw their curiosity when they only saw a shaggy mongrel and barely at a distance a thin elegant borzoi with a long snout? For the experienced magicians it constituted no difficulty to cook up a couple of deflecting spells.

Having taken about thirty steps, the academician Sardanapal awkwardly jumped up, clicked his knees in the air and, growling out a spell, dissolved in the air. Medusa in contrast to her teacher did not possess the ability of instantaneous disappearances from the human world. She reached the square and extracted from the bushes a kid’s rocking horse painted with Khokhloma designs. Having checked that all twelve talismans, without which the rocking horse simply would not take off, were in place, she clambered up onto it with difficulty and, soaring up steeply, disappeared among the clouds.

It was curious that even on the ridiculous kiddie rocker the associate professor Gorgonova contrived to appear majestic and to look ahead like a hawk. Somewhere along the way she ran into Lifeless Griffin; the wretch would have to pay. However, it was already dead, so there was nothing for it to lose.

The sun started to yawn lazily and climbed up from the roof. The unusual day continued.

* * *

Herman Durnev had one hundred and seventeen bad moods. If it is possible to describe the first mood as slightly bad, then the last, the hundred-and-seventeenth, amounted to a good force-eight storm. The head of the firm Second-Hand Socks returned home that day precisely in this hundred-and-seventeenth bad mood. On the road it constantly seemed to him that other cars were moving too slowly, and he began to hit the horn continually with his palm.

At the same time it twice seemed to him that the sound of the horn was too quiet, and then, sticking his head out the window of the car, he roared:

“Hey, what are you dragging? Move it, move! You want me to come out and beat you up? You want to give a sick person a stroke? ”

Durnev, it goes without saying, considered himself the sick person.

The basic reason Herman Nikitich’s mood was so abruptly spoilt was the sensation that some strange and mysterious forces were pursuing him and making fun of him. Everything began from that same morning when he just set off for work. Even along the way something started to rumble violently in the baggage carrier of the car, rumbling so that the car even jumped, but when he went out to look, it turned out there was nothing in there. When Durnev got back behind the wheel, he discovered that his own portrait from a magazine was stuck to the windshield of the automobile. Moreover, it appeared as if the wind dropped onto the glass a page soaked in a puddle...

The director was so anxious that when he ripped off his picture, his fingers were shaking and he accidentally tore part of his head, together with the ear, from the photograph. Seeing in this a bad omen for himself, Herman Nikitich immediately swallowed thirty Relief tablets and washed them down with a bottle of valerian tincture.

When he nevertheless got to the office, he discovered that the wastebasket in his office was turned upside down, and all the garbage from it was unceremoniously shaken out onto the carpet. And not simply shaken out but also steeped in something stinky. The furious Durnev immediately fired the cleaning woman, though she swore that she did not even drop into his office.

Having opened the safe in order to take the press, he beheld there a pale fungus on a thin leg, which, when Herman Nikitich stretched out his hand to it, spread on the papers a sticky slime that could not be wiped off. After this incident Durnev collapsed into the armchair and for a long time sat in it, sweating and counting off small fractions with his teeth.

“Twenty five... twenty six... I’m not nervous at all... Why are you staring at me? Get back to work! Really, did I not ask you to get for me the price on old toothbrushes? ” He began to yell at an employee timidly looking in.

The unlucky employee slid into his own tiny little office, which smelled of moth-eaten sweaters and worn jeans, and, collapsing onto the chair, nearly died of fright.

No need to explain that toward the evening Durnev had had quite a drop too much.

“Pour me anything to drink... Now you’ll see, soon something bad will happen! ” He groaned as soon as he found himself at home.

In contrast to the office literally choked up from floor to ceiling with cut-price junk and worn out things, everything was completely new in Durnev’s home.

The wife of Herman Nikitich — Ninel — was as fat as her husband was thin. When she slept, her wrinkled cheeks spread all over the pillow, and her body, covered with a blanket, resembled a snowy mountain from which it was possible to ski down.

“Ah, Hermanchik, you invent everything! Don’t be so upset! You’re completely green like the fir on New Year! Let me kiss you on the cheek! ” Ninel cooed with a juicy bass, reassuringly patting her husband on the frail back with a hand adorned with rings.

“Phew! Drop this tenderness! ” Herman Nikitich growled. However, his bad mood dispersed a little, jumping from hundred-and-seventeenth to sixty-sixth, and later even to fiftieth.

After supper Durnev cheered up so much that he had the desire to spend time with his year-old daughter Penelope, or Pipa as she was tenderly called by her parents, who inherited from mama the moving eyebrows and figure of a porter, and from papa eyes bunched together, protruding ears, and sparse whitish hair. Of course the Durnevs doted on her and considered their Pipa the first beauty in the world.

The heiress of the Durnev family was sitting in the playpen and concentrating on breaking a doll. Three beheaded dolls were already scattered about on the floor, and their heads were mounted on parts of rattles decorating the playpen.

“What a smart little girl! She will be a director like her papa! ” Durnev was touched.

He leaned over the playpen and made an attempt to kiss Pipa on the top of her head. The daughter grasped papa by the hair with her right hand, and with the plastic shovel clutched in her left hand she started to saw papa’s neck, clearly intending to do with him the same as she had done with the dolls.

“Darling! Wonderful child! ” Papa panted.

With difficulty he freed his hair and, just in case, moved further away from the playpen where he could not be reached or spat on. Pipa forcefully threw the shovel after him, but it only fell into the vase on the TV, and immediately, with the greatest readiness, scattered splinters.

“Oh, what a strong girlie we have! What good aim! ” Ninel squealed enthusiastically.

“Careful... She’s taking off her boots! ” Durnev warned, covering his head with his hands, just in case, to dodge these sufficiently heavy projectiles.

At this moment there was suddenly a ringing in the apartment. The bell, usually squeaking spitefully, now issued a loud, almost triumphant trill. Durnev and his spouse shuddered at once.

“Are you waiting for someone, mousie? ” Ninel asked.

“No, no one. You? ”

“Me neither...” Ninel answered and, following Herman, made her way to the “eye.”

Pipa threw her boots after them, but the laces got tied up around her hand, and the boots, recoiling, struck her on the nose. Pipa began to wail like a steamer siren.

Meanwhile, Herman looked into the eye. No one was visible, although the bell, not stopping for a second, continued to persistently demand that they open the door.

“Hey, who’s there? I warn you: I don’t like these jokes! ” Durnev bellowed and, armed with a hammer, looked onto the landing. Suddenly his face became like that of an old lady who, by mistake, instead of a poodle stroked a crocodile from the Nile.

In front of the door, barely finding room in the narrow landing, lay an enormous case for a double bass. The case was exceptionally old, trimmed on the outside with very thick rough leather, something simultaneously resembling scales. If Herman Nikitich were a little more learned or had the habit, for example, of leafing through books, he would easily understand that artists always depict such things as dragon skin. Furthermore, to the bulging handle of the double bass case was riveted a small copper tag; half-obliterated letters on it read:

...ilver...truments wizard Theo...: drums,...ble basses etc.

But Durnev had not the least desire to examine either the case or especially the tag on it. He only saw that a large and extremely suspicious object was tossed up to him on the threshold and the one who tossed it up most likely was running away now.

Shedding his sneakers, Herman Nikitich clumsily jumped over the case and, darting out to the stairs, began to yell into the resonant void:

“Hey you there! Hey! Take away your suspicious thingamajig — I’ll call the police! No good throwing me a bomb! ”

No one answered his cry. Only for a moment, it seemed to Durnev, pushing his head through between the rails, that a shadow flickered several floors below. Then the external door slammed and everything was quiet. The director of the firm Second-Hand Socks considered that the old foxes, having tossed the mysterious thingamajig up to him, had run out.

Screaming out yet a couple more threats, Herman Nikitich dragged his feet back. The case was in its previous place. Walking a few steps toward it, Durnev squatted down and propped up his head with his palms.

“Ninel, Ninel, come here — see what was tossed up to us! ” He called mournfully.

From the apartment the fat-cheeked head of his spouse looked around. Ninel clutched a T-Fal frying pan in her hand, grabbed for the same purpose as her husband arming himself with a hammer.

“Look, a case! ” She was astonished.

“Don’t take it into your head to touch it! For sure it’s a bomb! ” Herman Nikitich yelped.

At that moment a strange sound came from the case. The Durnevs decided that it was the ticking of a clock mechanism.

“Now it’ll go off with a jerk! Down! ” The head of the firm Second-Hand Socks started to shout and quickly began to crawl away. His spouse flopped onto the linoleum, covering her head with the T-Fal frying pan.

But the expected explosion did not follow. Instead of this the weeping of a demanding child was heard from the case. Exchanging dumbfounded glances, Durnev and his spouse crawled up to the case. The old lock clicked, the cover was thrown back...

“Ah-ha! Do you see? It’s a child! ” Ninel exclaimed, her forehead bumping into her husband.

“A bomb would be better! ” Herman Nikitich groaned.

In the case, on a carefully stretched out red blanket, lay a little girl with curly hair. On the tip of her nose was a small buckwheat grain, the birthmark. The baby just woke up and now she was crying loudly from hunger, energetically drumming on the double bass case with her hands and feet. Ninel winced with disgust:

“No, I’ll not take her into our home! What if she has some infection? Even infectious for sure! Look at this suspicious spot on the nose! And I’ll be shaking with loathing if she turns out to be on the same bed with Pipa. But we also cannot abandon her here. The neighbours will gather...”

“Oh, it goes without saying, we’ll not abandon her! We’re humane people! We’ll turn the girl in to the orphanage! There she will learn to paint fences, sweep the streets, and a hundred other remarkable professions! ” Durnev said cheerfully.

Having gathered the sneakers scattered on the landing, he already started to drag his feet to the telephone when suddenly his wife exclaimed:

“Look, mousie, here’s a letter! Here it is, attached to the child’s wrist! And don’t you swing your hands, little frog, all the same I’ll take it away! ”

Leaning down, Ninel freed the envelope with disgust. In it was inserted a photograph, after glancing at which Herman Nikitich was covered with beads of sweat. In the photograph were two boys — one whitish, emaciated, with a sour and evil face, and the other pensive and sad, with a large nose and red ringlets of hair.

“Oh, no! ” Durnev groaned. “It’s Lenchik Grotter, my grandmother’s second cousin’s nephew. Here, look: I’m trying to whack him on the forehead with a truck, and he’s staring into his own devil’s telescope! It was not without reason that today presented itself as such a bad day. Really, this little girl is his daughter? If so, then we’ll have to take her or my political career will come to an end. You know, Ninel, I want to be a candidate for deputy...”

Hearing that the girl could remain with them, his wife swelled up from anger so that she was hardly accommodated on the landing.

“You NEVER told me about LENCHIK GROTTER! ” She yelped angrily.

Durnev started to cough in embarrassment.

“Well, he’s not Lenchik at all but Leopold... My grandmother called him Lenchik... Oh, that one was a real rogue, not grandmother of course, but this Grotter! In childhood we fiercely hated each other. Fought every time we met. More precisely, it’s I who beat him up, and he stayed more in the corners or turned the pages of his idiotic books. He was eternally busy with some nonsense: either puttering around with hedgehogs or learning to talk in cat’s language, and they held him up to me as an example! And what do you think? At ten he drove his first motorcycle, and at twelve robbed a bank! Here, trust a goody-goody after this! ”

“A twelve-year-old boy robbed the bank? ” His spouse did not believe her ears.

“Without efforts. He carried this out with the help of a computer, not even leaving the house, but they traced him. When the police arrived, he simply disappeared. Everyone thought that he was in the room, forced open the door, but no one was there. They searched for him, but also did not find him. Even thought that he had perished. I of all people was most pleased, because you know where this idiot transferred all the stolen money? To the fund for helping stray dogs!!! Not to give it out to me, his second cousin, but to some mongrels...”

Durnev flushed with indignation. It seemed that steam just about came out of his nostrils and ears.

“Well, okay, he disappeared and vanished, ” he continued, calming down somewhat. “And now listen further. Fifteen years passed, and I received from this character a New Year postcard with an idiotic stamp depicting a winged monster. I read it, flung it onto a chair, and it immediately got lost somewhere before I had time to look at the return address. And now here’s this baby! Interesting, but for what reason did Grotter abandon to me his own offspring? ”

“Look, there’s even a newspaper clipping! ” Ninel exclaimed, guessing again to glance into the envelope.

TRAGEDY IN THE MOUNTAINS

A year does not pass that avalanches would not take away new lives.

This time their victims were the archaeologists Sophia and Leopold Grotter, exploring the tombs of prehistoric animals in the Tien Shan Mountains. An enormous snow avalanche literally headed right for their tent, which they had the imprudence to pitch on the dangerous part of the slope. The bodies of the courageous archaeologists were never discovered. Sophia and Leopold left a daughter, Tatiana, whom now, apparently, will be handed over to relatives.

It is known that not long before the tragedy the Grotters succeeded in finding the excellently preserved remains of a sabre-tooth tiger.

“Unlucky tiger! Found to be connected with them! Had no luck even after death! ” Durnev exclaimed with feeling.

It was the only regret which Herman Nikitich expressed, learning about the demise of his second cousin. The girl lying in the double bass case piped down while they were reading the note, but afterward began to cry twice as loudly.

“You see how she spills as if she understands something! ” Durnev hesitated. “I bet when she grows up they will put her in prison! Only for the sake of admiring this spectacle we’ll register ourselves officially as her guardians! Feed her, Ninel! There’s an expired kefir left in the refrigerator. It’s just the same as throwing it out.”

So Herman Durnev and his wife Ninel became Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel. Under these pompous names they, in their time, went into the reference publication A Thousand of the Most Unpleasant Moronoids.