Rottenball and a Complete Mess

Tanya did not remember the collision itself. Opening her eyes, she realized that she was lying with a cheek on the white sand of the dragonball stadium, and beside her ants were dragging a dead beetle somewhere. For a while Tanya examined the ants without thinking. She did not remember who she was nor why she was here — and in general even everything became suddenly somewhat unimportant and grey.

And only after a while when the scratched cheek suddenly began to ache, the girl sat up with difficulty and began to moan. The medical orderlies and Yagge were already running to her with a stretcher. Attempting to rise and unable to, Tanya by chance saw some fragments on the sand. If they were still kept together by anything, then only by sagging strings. The rest could hardly be suitable even as kindling for a stove.

Tanya, it seemed, still thought with sympathy how unlucky someone was. How to find out what this was? A violin? Bass guitar? Cello? And only after seeing the fingerboard broken in two and the tattered ends of a rope protruding from it, she understood everything and began to cry.

Yagge ran up to her. Deciding that the girl was crying from the pain, she in a hurry reached for a phial with some malodorous green slush and began to smear it on her cheek. Tanya felt that it burnt the abrasion with a cold fire and then it suddenly stopped hurting.

“Don’t try to get up yourself! We’ll carry you to magic station, ” said Yagge, giving a sign to the medical orderlies. They began to bustle confusedly, laying out the stretcher.

Tanya with difficulty took her eyes away from what was her double bass.

“And where’s Puper? He also needs help. After such a collision he could not remain in the air, ” she said.

“What’s with you? What Puper? ” Yagge was astonished.

“Gury Puper! With whom I collided! Is he already in magic station? And where are the dragons? ”

Yagge began to blink.

“There was and is no Puper. And no dragons. You hit your head very hard. Don’t cry, it’ll pass, ” she said affectionately.

“How can there be no Puper? And the dragons? And all the Invisibles? What’s happening at all? ” Tanya did not understand.

Now, when she lay with her back on the stretcher, it was very evident that inside the dome there was neither Goyaryn nor Keng-King. Except that there were some absurd baskets in the shape of gigantic skulls, between which flickered the figures of the players, appearing so tiny from the ground.

Yagge kept silent.

“Ah... understandable... while I lost consciousness, the dragonball match ended and they took away the dragons. Yes? But who won? ” Tanya asked, all the time getting more worried.

The genie medical orderlies exchanged glances. Their little tidy ears suddenly increased two or three times and, precisely like radars, turned in her direction.

“Dragons? Dragonball? What’s with you, girl? Today was the usual unfriendly match between the darks and the very darks, ” said Yagge.

It seemed to Tanya that the old lady was frightened. Yagge for some reason snapped her fingers and in the ears of both medical orderlies appeared solid plugs of yellowish cotton wool not too pleasant in looks. Yagge was in too much of a hurry to care about their cleanliness.

Convinced that they would no longer manage to overhear anything, the genies picked up the stretcher. The old lady minced beside it, continually looking at Tanya’s face.

“Poor girl! You were hit in the head so hard that the clouding of judgement has taken place in you! I entreat you, say nothing unnecessary. It can cost you dearly. You really don’t know that dragonball has already been forbidden for more than ten years, and in the world there is not a single dragon left anymore? ” The old lady muttered anxiously.

“No dragons left? Dragonball is forbidden? What nonsense! Then what were we playing? ” Tanya asked distrustfully.

She never suspected that Yagge had this sense of humour. Although, on the other hand, Yagun had to take after someone.

“What? You’ve even forgotten this! You’re playing rottenball! ”

“Rottenball? ” Tanya smiled. “What a crazy name! And how do we play this rottenball? ”

“Well, the rules are not very complex, ” attentively watching the face of the girl, Yagge said. “Ten pieces of wormy beef serve as balls. A team wins when it manages to throw more balls into the skull-baskets without frightening the griffins, which attempt to peck out the players’ eyes. I’m sure soon you yourself will recall everything. Especially as you’re the best player of the team of the very dark! The mistress values you greatly. When you collided with the skull, she even wanted to stop the match...”

“I collided with the skull? ” Tanya was astonished. Of course, Puper was not a picture of beauty, but he definitely did not resemble a skull.

Yagge began to nod anxiously, observing how the medical orderlies, interfering with each other, pushed the stretcher through the narrow passageway of the magic dome.

“Be more careful! It’s not firewood you’re carrying, Sardanapal blesses! ” She shouted. “Yes, you cut into the skull. Moreover, for no rhyme or reason. You didn’t even have a ball. All this, I acknowledge, is sufficiently strange. For sure it wasn’t managed without an evil eye of these vile white magicians! Mistress del-Cake said absolutely! She even sent Slander to check the guard spells.”

If Tanya did not fall, then only because it was indeed not so simple to fall out of the deep stretcher.

“Mistress? ”

“Yes, the incomparable and most excellent mistress Plague-del-Cake, head of Tibidox! But now sleep! Sleep is a better treatment! You have a clear case of concussion, ” Yagge extracted from a bag a bunch of grass wreathed into a small whisk, and, after whispering a spell, ran the whisk along Tanya’s face.

“Good, at least not Pointus harpoonus, ” the girl thought sleepily. She again became indifferent to everything.

She was not even surprised when Lifeless Griffin with a piece of fetid meat in its claws dived from above with a guttural cry. Bab-Yagun on a roaring vacuum strove for the griffin. Overtaking the griffin, he dealt it a blow with his pipe and snatched away the piece of meat.

“Hey, Baby Grotter, hold on! We’ll finish these darks or we’re not the very dark! ” He shouted an encouragement and sped as fast as possible away from the skull-baskets. The griffin coming to its senses rushed behind, attempting to peck him in the face.

“A normal unfriendly match between the dark and the very dark...” closing her eyes, Tanya muttered.

Now she was even grateful to Yagge for lulling her to sleep. Otherwise, the girl would simply go mad.

Already in magic station, Tanya came to. It was evening outside the window. Only the reddish flame of the night-light was shaking on the night table and flickering green fireflies were crawling along the ceiling. Emerging from the darkness, the portrait of an old woman with a dry yellow face hung above the bed. The skin covered it in such a way that it involuntarily reminded Tanya of the rottenball skull. Moreover, the girl in no way could get rid of the sensation that the blazing eye sockets of the portrait were continuously following her.

Deciding to ascertain that this was really so, Tanya crossed her legs under, simultaneously moving away as close as possible to the back of the bed. Yes, she was not mistaken, the head on the portrait turned slightly and the eyes were fixed on her as before.

Tanya licked her lips. Everything dried up in her mouth. Her tongue was like sandpaper. The girl wanted to howl louder than the daughter of Uncle Herman and, rolling on the bed, to hit the pillow. Where, after all, did she fall to? What happened with Tibidox? Why would Plague-del-Cake in a frame hang above each bed in the school of magic? What was it — insanity, a nightmare, or reality?

The portrait followed her with the fiery eye sockets. It seemed the old woman strove to look into her soul. To burn out everything inside. Tanya could not control herself. She grabbed the blanket and hung it over She-Who-Is-No-More.

“I’m a shy person. I cannot bear it when I’m stared at, especially at night, ” she explained and jumped from the bed.

Her bones were seemingly whole, although the entire right side of her body was burning unpleasantly. Looking under the night shirt, Tanya saw a long clotted scratch, duplicating the shape of a string. Yagge already managed to treat her with the odorous ointment. The girl understood that, falling, she landed on the double bass, which took on itself the main impact.

“Blunderer! What instrument she crushed! Even a cooked rooster flies better! ” The magic ring creaked peevishly.

From great-grandfather, as usual, it was not worthwhile to expect compassion. Tanya thought with annoyance that Theophilus Grotter probably had less sensitive lines on his palm than a stool had.

“Grandpa, don’t squeak! Better tell me where I’ve gotten to. What’s with them here, have they all gone mad, or have I in truth bumped my head? ” She turned to the ring.

The ring thought and released a single spark. The spark fell onto the pillow. The feathers flared up with a flame.

“Vampires fear bright light and aspen stakes. But then they don’t need the services of a stomatologist, ” Great-grandfather Theophilus answered foggily, again immersed in the abyss of senility.

Tanya sighed and carefully cooled the heated ring, lowering it into a bottle of some medicine of Yagge’s.

“Some relative I have — a unique fruitcake. Take that Pipa or Aunt Ninel... Okay, I’ll find out everything myself! Only it’s necessary to consider, from whom, ” she said to herself and carefully looked from behind the screen.

The remaining beds were empty. It was very handy, especially as she had no intention of staying the entire night in magic station. Cautiously looking askance at the low door, behind which, as it was known to her, was Yagge’s bedroom, the girl began to dig in the wardrobe. She did not find her overalls, then after some search she discovered a long black raincoat with a hood and a pair of bast boots long gone out of style — a rustic, woven bast version of seven-league boots.

True, it was necessary to reject the bast sandals after a short test. The right bast sandal ran in one direction, and the left, obviously to spite it, strictly in the opposite direction. Realizing that bast sandals set at loggerheads could simply tear her in two, Tanya drove them back into the wardrobe.

Wrapped up in the raincoat, she again listened and, after whispering Fogus sneakus, not bothering with the handle, slid through the door with her back. With distaste the ring of Theophilus Grotter shot a red spark. The spell from the list of one hundred forbidden ones, as always, worked without fail.

Tanya looked around. Directly in front of her began a straight corridor with the high arches and the stained glass, into which the moonlight was shining through. She recognized it and at the same time did not. All the trunks, all the birch bark chests had disappeared from the niches and the ancient, moth-eaten flying carpets, normally with the approach of something, began to drum the floor with its soft tassels.

Now everywhere were stone heathen idols. Their thin lips resembled long scars smeared with something dark and clotted. A stake was driven into the flagstone near each idol. White pigeon feathers adhered to some stakes.

In front, beyond the turn of the corridor, someone began to squeal shrilly. Tanya pressed against the wall. Towards her Unhealed Lady swept pass like a ghostly vision. Always blooming and pink-cheeked, now Lady appeared emaciated. Four syringes stuck out of her back, and on her hand coiled the small tube of an IV. Lieutenant Rzhevskii and Eyeless Horror were pursuing Lady. One was dragging a monstrous dental drill, and the other was swinging a scalpel. Both spectres looked abnormal.

“Wait! You’re going for surgery! ” They howled.

“I don’t need surgery! I’m healthy! ” Pulling away from them into the wall, Lady squealed.

Before rushing into pursuit, Lieutenant Rzhevskii hung in the air and affably waved with the drill at Tanya.

“Hello, Baby Grotter! You play rottenball excellently. If there’s a need to drill someone — just whistle! ” He stated.

“Aha, I will, ” promised Tanya, looking at the drill with horror.

Not meeting any more people, the girl went down into the Hall of Two Elements. The unicorns had disappeared. The shining firebirds had disappeared. Without the colourful chaos of their feathers the hall seemed dim and somewhat faded.

Protecting her eyes from the bats and stepping over the snakes, Tanya climbed to the residential floor. Everyone was already asleep. The Russian stove, which she so loved to toss birch firewood into, had disappeared without a trace. But then in the common room appeared a massive rock tomb, in which reddish rays were shooting out from narrow slits. Tanya by chance brought a hand up to one of them and sighed. The rays were warm.

“ Fogus sneakus. ” Tanya said again and slipped into the room she shared with Coffinia.

She immediately recognized Coffinia’s bed, similar to an inverted coffin. Cryptova was sleeping, covered by a duvet in a pattern of tiny little paddles. Black Curtains were puffing up gloatingly and reflected such nonsense, which would cause bewilderment even in a knowledgeable Freudian. The skeleton was also in place. True, if earlier Page’s teeth were completely normal, then now two main ones jutted out almost like fingers.

“Vampires fear bright light and aspen stakes. But then they don’t need the services of a stomatologist, ” Tanya recalled the delirious phrase of Theophilus Grotter. Or, possibly, there was some sense in it nevertheless?

But the greatest surprise lay in wait for her when she shifted her gaze onto that half of the room, which she considered as hers earlier. Yes, now it was still hers, but how it had changed! On the night table, where earlier lay the magic felt-tip pens that animated drawings and the collection of self-recording goose feathers — gifts of Vanka and Yagun for her birthday, now a crooked black candle was burning mournfully and a small glass was standing with toothpicks of rat bones in it.

“What filth! Could I really stick these into my mouth? ” Tanya screwed up her face.

Seeing the edge of the leather case looking out from under the bed, the girl sighed. She remembered about the double bass, which she did not have anymore. The lock with runes printed on it opened with its previous sound.

The diary was snoring softly on the bottom of the case. Having mechanically clicked with a nail on the cover, Tanya saw the bright letters showing through it: