Dealing with Relationship Problems

After a traumatic event, many people develop problems with interpersonal relationships (Beck et al. 2009). They may feel disconnected from others. After a traumatic event, shame and guilt are common emotional experiences that can definitely interfere with interpersonal relationships, making it difficult to be intimate with or close to people you love and care for (Dorahy 2010).

Anger and irritability, common post-­traumatic stress symptoms (Novaco and Chemtob 1998), can also interfere with relationships. After a traumatic event, a person may have more difficulty controlling anger or aggressive behavior, potentially causing loved ones to keep their distance or feel as if they were “always walking on eggshells.” Alternatively, after a traumatic event, some people try to avoid all conflict. They may avoid expressing their needs or desires in a relationship for fear of upsetting another person or causing a potential argument. They may fear that their post-­traumatic stress symptoms will cause loved ones to leave them. However, if you don’t express your needs, you may cultivate resentment, or you may miss out on opportunities to receive needed social support, a very important factor in recovering from a traumatic event (Agaibi and Wilson 2005).

Use exercise 7.7 to prioritize and communicate your needs if you are having difficulty doing so. We have included an example for you. As you can see, there are a few steps, the first of which is to identify your needs and goals. The next step is to figure out how you would state them to the person in question. The third step is to practice a few times, alone or with someone else. And, of course, the final step is to actually try it out and see how it goes. If you really learn these skills, you might find that you actually prevent the types of conflict that happen when you bottle up your needs over a prolonged period, or when you express them in an angry or frustrated manner.

Exercise 7.7 Steps for Getting Your Needs Met in Interpersonal Interactions

1. Describe the problem (to yourself, so that you’re really clear on what’s wrong).

When I get anxious and panicky before we go out, my boyfriend gets angry with me and says I have mental health problems and am making it hard for us to get out and see people or have any fun.

2. Clarify your goals for the interactions. Ask yourself the following questions:

What do I want out of this interaction? What are my goals for this interaction?

I want my boyfriend to stop getting so angry and criticizing me when I have a hard time leaving the house. I also want him to feel good about me and the relationship, and I want our discussion to bring us closer. I want to feel like I have a right to my feelings and that my needs are important.

3. Develop a script for stating your needs and describing what you want. Make sure to complete all of the following sections. Wherever possible, own your feelings and thoughts by using “I” statements, avoid being judgmental or accusatory, avoid inflammatory language (like “always” and “never”) and name-­calling, and, when you have an option, try to express “softer” (hurt, sadness, fear) rather than harder (anger, irritation, frustration) emotions.

Explain the situation:

I have noticed that you often seem upset and tell me how frustrating it is for you when I am afraid to go out.

Let the person know how you feel about the situation using “I feel” and “I think” statements:

Although I know it must be really frustrating for you, I feel hurt and sad when you tell me that there’s something wrong with me for being so afraid.

State your needs and what you want out of the situation. Be as specific as possible:

I would like it if you could try to have a less frustrated edge in your voice and spend a little time listening to me when I tell you how afraid I feel.

Clarify up front how this will benefit the other person. Explain why giving you what you need or accepting your request will make things better for the other person:

If you do this, I would feel a lot less hurt and a lot closer to you, and I’d be willing to try harder to go outside my comfort zone.

Identify compromises you are willing to make. Make sure that you have thought about this ahead of time. Even if you don’t have to offer a compromise, it is good to know how much you are willing to bend or give to reach an agreement. Write down the compromises you are willing to make here:

I will do my best, when I can, to push myself to get out when it’s really important to you and to get some help for this problem, as I know it’s affecting our relationship.

4. Practice this script until you feel comfortable with it. Practice as many times as you need to. Try it in front of a mirror, or with a close friend or loved one. Focus on your nonverbal behaviors (tone of voice, facial expressions) in addition to the words you are saying.

When you feel prepared (which does not mean you won’t feel anxious), approach the other person and ask for what you want. Keep in mind that this skill (just like all of the others we have taught you) gets easier with practice. The more you practice asking for what you want in relationships, the more comfortable you will become and the more likely you are to get some of your needs met! You may also want to pair this skill with some of the skills for tolerating anxiety, including deep breathing (exercise 2.1) and PMR (exercise 10.4).