VI. The 6 Worst Relationship Habits and How to Overcome Them

Do you engage in these 6 common relationship bad habits? If so, here's the fix

Habits can be hard to break, especially when they’ve developed over the course of your relationship. You know when your relationship is suffering from the effects of bad habits when you feel like something is “off” or missing in your life with your partner.

A bad relationship habit is one that continues to occur even though it causes you or your partner distress. It may develop independently of the personalities, beliefs, or values of each person individually or it may reflect good intentions gone wrong.

Knowing your partner’s habits is itself a good relationship habit. Not only does it save you time and mental effort, but knowing your partner’s preferences signifies that you have a pretty good understanding of your partner, even if you don’t agree with all those preferences. Bad relationship habits work against your relationship and if they’re bad enough they can destroy it.

Clearly, these are the habits you want to avoid if at all possible. Along with describing each one, I’ll provide suggestions for counteracting it:

1. Wait for your partner to initiate shows of affection: The tendency to believe that you need to be approached first by your partner in displays of affection is more prevalent in women. If you hold to this belief, it will lead you to the habit of always wanting to be approached by your partner even after your relationship is well-established. Not only can this habit keep you from fulfilling your own needs but it can send the wrong signals to your partner that you’re “just not that into” him or her. To counteract this bad habit, recall times in which you were in control and the outcome was positive.

2. Argue about the same things all the time: It’s all too easy to get wrapped up in arguments, especially the ones that keep repeating. You might be able to predict the result of a disagreement with your partner about one or another weekly chore or unpleasant duty.

3. Take your partner for granted. This is a very easy bad habit to slide into if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time. In a way, taking your partner for granted is a good sign because it shows that you and your partner feel you can rely on each other. It’s also comforting to feel that your partner will help you when you get into a jam. On the other hand, the idea of taking someone for granted also includes the fact that you may not say “thank you” as much as you should because you’ve come to expect this favorable treatment. Take the time to recognize what your partner contributes to your life and let him or her know how much it means to you.

4. Be too serious. You may find that you laugh with your friends or colleagues outside the home more than you do when you’re with your partner. The preoccupation of having a home and family can lead people to forget that sometimes things happen that are just plain funny.

However, research shows that having a laugh together may be just the boost your relationship needs to keep it on course. If all else fails, go to a romantic comedy together just to be able to share some silly times.

5. Not have a meal together. If you’re not living with your partner, it may seem impossible to schedule a time to go out or cook a meal together. Yet, having that meal together may remedy some of the other bad habits, such as taking each other for granted or being too serious. To break this habit, you need to commit to at least one shared meal per week. During that meal, get rid of your phone, play some relaxing music, and enjoy each other’s company. If your partner has cooked the meal, be sure to say “thank you, ” and that you like it.

6. Spend too much time plugged into your devices. Being on your devices when you’re with your partner offers nothing but distraction. That you can’t get through a meal without having your phone next to you may be a symptom of a larger problem between you and your partner, and if that’s the case, the above steps (laughing together, not getting into repeated bickering, showing affection) can be important ways to turn things around.

We don’t have to be condemned to live our bad habits forever, either as individuals or as couples. Getting over the relationship bad habits will get you closer to achieving a longer-lasting and more fulfilling bond with your partner.

VII. Things an Empath Never Says (and You Shouldn't Either)

Sympathy and empathy: What's the difference?

As humans, we are hardwired to respond more strongly to bad things than good. It’s no surprise that we challenge our ability to connect when another person confides that he or she is truly suffering emotionally in the wake of a devastating event. What precisely should we say? Should we just murmur “so sorry” and leave it at that, or should we play the cheerleader and try to pep the person up? What exactly is the right thing to do?

When you are sympathetic to someone, you feel for the situation he finds himself in. You understand it. Not surprisingly, it is a skill which appears to be not in-born but is acquired with age and maturity. (It takes humans about three years for the process to kick in.) Sympathy doesn’t require any emotional knowledge or a sense of connection, and depends largely on the vividness of the mental representation.

Empathy is something else. Newborns demonstrate “contagious” crying in nurseries and young children who don’t yet have the mental capacity for sympathy can show empathy. When you are empathic, you feel with the person—in a way that is more literal than not. Empathy cuts down on the distance between individuals while, paradoxically, sympathy can often increase it.

I learned an important lesson about empathy from an old friend, someone I knew well during childhood and adolescence, who was fighting a particularly pernicious cancer at the same time that I was going through a difficult divorce. I felt embarrassed talking about what I was going through—my particular moment in hell seemed so small and insignificant compared to what she faced—but she wouldn’t allow me to stay quiet. “Don’t do that, ” she said firmly. “Just because my pain seems larger to you doesn’t make your pain smaller. Part of my staying alive and being human is about listening to you and understanding your feelings.” That is empathy in action and my late friend taught me an important lesson.

It’s thought that the first neural pathways that will become the conduits for empathy are established in infancy. Babies learn to read the expressions of those close to them and, through attunement, have their own emotional needs understood and responded to. These early experiences shape our capacity for empathy, with children who are securely attached finding empathic responses easier than those who are insecurely attached. Empathy appears to be an innate capacity that, nonetheless, may not be fully developed in everyone; narcissists, for example, appear to lack empathy entirely.

If you’re unsure about the distinctions between empathy and sympathy, you might want to consider these four things you may think sound sympathetic but are, in fact, the very opposite of empathic responses.

1. I know exactly what you are feeling. I’ve been there, done that. Yes, you may feel as though you are expressing solidarity with the person but if the first words out of your mouth begin with the pronoun “I, ” the chances are excellent that you aren’t displaying empathy at all.

2. It could always be worse. Telling someone who is in pain that it’s really not so bad is undercutting and insulting at best. Fight the need to fill the air with words and just grab a seat and listen because that’s what true empathy looks like.

3. Try to be positive. Maybe it was meant to be. A true empath leaves his or her stash of positive-thinking magnets at home. While you may think that this kind of cheerleading is exactly what someone needs to hear — are that you’re wrong. For most of us, the process of sorting out our feelings when something hurtful or destructive happens is a long one, and we will need support. That support does not include your suggesting that this is a trial which will make us stronger or any other cliché s of that ilk.

4. Don’t you think it’s time to move on? Unless you intend to make it clear to the person that you are sick and tired of this story—and you really don’t mind losing this relationship—no one except the person suffering loss can decide when the moment is right to move on. Empathy is not judgmental.

Empathy is one of those rare qualities that bestows gifts on both the giver and the recipient.