MOVING-AWAY-FROM VALUES

We must remember, then, that any time we make a decision about what to do, our brain first evaluates whether that action can possibly lead to either pleasurable or painful states. Your brain is constantly juggling[126], or weighing, your alternatives to see what the impact may be, based upon your value hierarchy. If, for example, I asked you to go skydiving, and the number-one emotion you try to avoid at all costs is a sense of fear, it's pretty obvious that you're not going to take action, are you? If, however, the number-one value you want to avoid at all costs is a feeling of rejection, and you believe that I may reject you if you don't go, you may decide to jump out of a plane in spite of your fear. The relative levels of pain we associate with certain emotions will affect all of our decisions.

What are some of the emotions that are most important for you to avoid experiencing on a consistent basis? Often when I ask people this question at seminars, they come up with a list such as the following:

Rejection

Anger

Frustration

Loneliness

Depression

Failure

Humiliation

Guilt

Again, would it be fair to say that all these emotions are states you'd like to avoid having to feel? Of course, because they're painful. Wouldn't it also be true to say that, while you want to avoid feeling all of these emotions, some are more painful to you than others? That, in fact, you have a hierarchy of moving-away-from values as well? Which value on the above list would you do the most to avoid having to feel? Rejection, depression, humiliation? The answer to this question will determine your behavior in almost any environment.

Take a moment before we go any further, and write this list out in the above blanks, ranking them from the emotional states you'll do the most to avoid having to feel, to those you'll do the least to avoid having to feel.

" I hope we can build a university our football team can be proud of."

UNIVERSITY OF OKLAHOMA

As you look at your list, what does it tell you? If, for example, you put at the top of your list that the emotion you would do the most to avoid having to feel is humiliation, then can you see how you would consistently avoid entering any situations where you might be judged harshly?

If loneliness is the emotion you want to avoid most, it may drive you to be a nurturing person, reaching out to others and trying to give to them on a regular basis so that they'll want to be with you, and so that you'll be surrounded by many grateful friends.