Chapter Nineteen. “Moon. Moon Radio. Dominie two-one-eight-five at two thousand feet

“Moon. Moon Radio. Dominie two-one-eight-five at two thousand feet. Four miles southwest. Do you read me? Dominie to Moon. Come in please. Over.”

She would never get used to the conventions of radio communication, Cody thought as she lifted the handset. “This is Cody, ” she said. “Um… over.”

“Company on its way, ” Bevan Mitchell said. Cody’s heart leaped. Annabel! “ETA fourteen hundred hours. Can you meet us? Over.”

“I sure can. Fourteen hundred hours. That’s now! ” Cody sprinted to the window to see if she could spot the Dominie.

“Five minutes, Moon, ” Bevan said, but Cody was no longer listening. She grabbed her hat and shades and frantically shoved cushions back into their usual places. As she ran out the door, she heard Bevan’s voice crackling over the radio, but didn’t bother to wait. All she could think about was his passenger.

Annabel had been away for almost a week. It felt like an eternity. Restless and fretful, Cody crammed every day with a succession of distractions. Annabel had left her with the task of supervising the cottages around the island. This meant delivering food supplies and checking in on guests.

There were three other women on the island. Two were friendly, sensible types who had chosen the seclusion of Moon Island because they wanted ‘time out.’ The other was a problem child who was only here because some relative had fully paid for the holiday but had to cancel at the last minute. Apparently she had expected Club Med. Cody might have felt sorry for her if she had any manners at all, but she was a whining, spoiled brat.

Cody hastened her steps along the trail, pushing aside milky green banana palm leaves and stems of frangipani. The jungle was intense all over the island, tropical flowers and sinuous vines forming a fleshy tangle beneath a canopy of coconut palms, breadfruit, mango, and guava trees. A blanket of torpid air clung to the jungle floor, pungent with the smell of over-ripe and rotting fruit.

The airstrip was situated west of Villa Luna on a promontory overlooking Marama Bay. Like many small airstrips in the South Pacific, it had been built by the Americans during World War II and had fallen into decay. Annabel had said something to her about rebuilding it one day. From all accounts the impecunious Cook Islands government had long ago abandoned all responsibility for the island’s amenities. There was no proper electricity—only a couple of noisy generators, no modern telephone service, and no television.

For a moment Cody lapsed into her favorite day-dream: she and Annabel staying together on Moon Island for a few months, shutting out the world. It would be heaven. Impatiently, she paced alongside the Dominie waiting for the hatch to open. When Bevan appeared and lowered the steps, she grinned up at him, brimming with expectation. Instead of the blonde hair she was looking for, a coppery head materialized.

“Margaret? ” Cody’s lips felt like they’d just been shot full of Novocaine.

“Cody. Hi! ” Margaret threw herself into the arms Cody had stretched out to receive a box of pineapples. The fruit rolled haplessly around the tarmac while Bevan looked on quizzically.

Cody detached herself as quickly as she decently could. “Well, ” she said weakly. “Um… what a surprise.”

Margaret grinned. “A nice one, I hope.” She looked Cody up and down and whistled softly. “Sweetheart! You’re looking hot. The tan is amazing.” Before Cody could prevent her, she planted a big wet kiss squarely on her mouth.

“I guess you two don’t need an introduction.” Bevan lit a cigarette, his expression cryptic. In response to a look of desperate enquiry from Cody, he added, “No sign of Annabel yet.”

Cringing inside, Cody extricated herself from her ex’s unwanted embrace. “You’re staying on the island? ” she asked, trying to gather her wits.

“For two whole weeks, ” Margaret enthused. “Isn’t that great, darling? ”

A rush of hot blood made Cody’s knees feel flaccid. She could scarcely take in the reality of Margaret’s presence. Her ex was gazing around as if enraptured.

“I’m so excited, ” she gushed. “It looks like paradise.” Grabbing Cody again, she slid caressing hands beneath her T-shirt, compelling her into a more intimate clinch. Clearly the presence of a man meant nothing to Margaret.

Avoiding her eager mouth, Cody drew back, disgusted. “For God’s sake, ” she hissed, “get your hands off me.”

Making like he hadn’t witnessed any of this, Bevan tossed Margaret’s luggage down to her. “Everything under control? ” he queried dryly.

Does it look like it? Cody wanted to shout. Instead, she pasted a phony smile on her face and said, “I’ll manage.”

With a discreet nod of comprehension, Bevan lifted another box. “No need for you to hang about. I’ll take care of the supplies.”

As soon as he had vanished back into plane, Cody turned to Margaret. “Have you got your booking slip? ” She masked her agitation with a stoic calm.

Margaret produced a voucher. Hibiscus Villa, Cody read with a sinking heart. Margaret would be just ten minutes walk from Annabel’s place. How had this happened? Before she left, Annabel had said something about releasing the villa for guests since Cody would no longer be using it. Telling Cody she would get a refund, she had notified the travel agent who handled reservations, and that was the last Cody had heard.

She should have paid more attention to the stuff Annabel told her about the booking process. Reservations were received by an agent in Avarua, and most days Bevan collected these and brought them over. A pile lay unopened on the kitchen counter. If she’d known her ex would be loony enough to track her down and turn up here, she would have read them. It was too late to cancel the booking now.

Numbly she lifted Margaret’s luggage. “It’s a bit of a hike to the Villa you’re staying in, ” she said in a discouraging tone.

Margaret looked charmed by the prospect. “Lead the way.”

As they followed the trail Cody became increasingly alarmed—alarmed at her sense of disorientation, her feeling that she barely knew this woman. Was it really Margaret? She stole a look. Same short, curly auburn hair, same laughing eyes and wide mouth, same voluptuous body, large breasts, narrow waist. This was Margaret, the woman she’d lain with for nearly five years, whose body she knew almost as well as her own.

“Where’s Scott? ” she asked abruptly.

Margaret stopped in her tracks, looked up at Cody, and smiled her most provocative smile. “That’s all over. As far as I’m concerned, it’s Scott who? ”

Cody felt distinctly queasy. “That was quick.”

“I’m so connected these days, I trust my instincts to tell me whether a situation is right or wrong. As soon as I moved in I knew I’d made a mistake.”

“Your instincts didn’t reveal this when you started fucking him? ” Cody kicked a papaya brutally off the path.

Margaret did not respond, and they continued in silence to the clearing around Hibiscus Villa. There they stopped, Cody dropping the luggage, Margaret rushing up the steps to the verandah.

“Oh, this is gorgeous! ” she squealed. “All these flowers and the quaint thatched roof. Oh my God, look at the view. It’s so romantic.”

Cody opened up the villa and all but shoved Margaret in. The place reminded her unbearably of Annabel and she marveled at the sick joke fate had played by sending Margaret instead of the lover she was yearning for. She felt tears prick and automatically wiped them away with the back of her hand.

Margaret must have mistaken her obvious emotion for something else, for she dragged Cody into a hungry embrace.

“Darling, ” she whispered urgently. “I’ve been desperate to see you. I feel like such a fool. I can’t believe I did this to myself—to us.”

Her small hands made circles on Cody’s back, making her skin prickle in response. Then Margaret was kissing her and it was like being jerked back in time. They were lovers. It was a hot afternoon. Her body remembered every sensation. The sweat, the taste of Margaret’s mouth, a clock ticking on her dresser, the roar of a plane overhead.

“I must have been out of my mind, ” Margaret was saying. “Every night, lying there with him, it was you I was thinking about.”

“Uh huh.”

“It was, ” Margaret insisted. “Even when we made love, I couldn’t—”

“I don’t want to know, ” Cody said.

“I’m just trying to tell you how it’s been for me.” Margaret sounded snippy. “I made a mistake. Is that a crime? ”

With a jolt Cody realized she was being undressed. She caught Margaret’s hands and drew back, watching puzzlement alter her ex-lover’s features. “I need to get going, ” she said.

“Going? Why? I was thinking we could stay here together.”

“That’s out of the question, ” Cody said. “We’re not together, Margaret.”

“But I said it’s all over with Scott. The whole thing was a disaster. The moment we started living together he acted like he had ownership papers. He was so unreasonable. He even expected me to go on the pill… can you believe that? He said condoms ruined the aesthetic, he—”

“Puh-leeze! ” Cody arrested her with a groan of distaste. “Spare me the gory details.”

Margaret had the grace to look embarrassed. “Look, I know you’re upset. And I can respect your feelings. But this experience has been incredibly important for me. It’s really helped me resolve confusion about my sexuality.”

“You were confused during our relationship? ” Cody felt stunned. Was Margaret making up justifications as she went along, or had Cody just spent the last five years with a closet straight woman?

“I know I should have told you sooner. But I felt so guilty about being attracted to men. You know how it is.”

“Not really.”

Margaret cast her an accusatory glance, as if Cody were being intentionally obtuse. “I tried to rationalize it as het conditioning and all that. But when I gave myself permission to explore my feelings without guilt-tripping myself, when I let go of buying into all that political crap—I finally got to know myself.”

“I’m happy for you, ” Cody said without expression.

Margaret seemed encouraged by this. “I was so self-hating until I accepted that it’s perfectly okay to have feelings for men as well as women. We’re all one human race. My rebirther says that if we reject our feelings for men, we reject the male in ourselves.”

“The male in ourselves.” Cody contained herself. “And is your rebirther a dyke? ”

Margaret looked puzzled. “No, although she’s very woman-oriented.”

“Uh huh.”

Cody was stunned. Right under her nose Margaret had been pining after men—plural. She was bi-curious. She needed to explore her sexuality by having sex on the side. It sounded like a personal ad. Had she been blind, Cody wondered, or just plain stupid? “So what’s different now that you’ve had this epiphany? ” she inquired.

Margaret smiled fulsomely. “I’m really at peace. I feel connected to myself at a much deeper level. I’ve accepted who I am, and I don’t care what society thinks. I’m going to live my life without lies.”

“Lesbian and proud, eh? ”

Margaret looked a little taken aback. “No, bisexual. Bisexual and proud.”

Cody took a deep breath and studied the woman in front of her, taking in the subtle changes she had missed at first. Margaret was thinner, her hair redder than usual and growing out of the close-cropped style she had always worn. She wore light-pink cotton knit pants and a designer T-shirt with a greenie slogan. Her nails were painted the same dark pink as her pants, and her blue eyes looked heavy in her small face, mascara caking in the fine creases beneath them.

“Why have you come here? ” Cody finally asked.

Margaret’s expression radiated mute appeal. “To be with you of course.” The hurt, little girl voice that once would have quickened Cody’s pulse now sounded ridiculously phony. “I’ve been trying to track you down for weeks. I even went to the police.”

“So I gathered.”

Margaret tugged at her arm, wetting her lips with the tip of her tongue. “Please don’t be angry at me, ” she wheedled.

Cody took a step back. “I’m not angry, ” she said. It was true. Looking at Margaret she felt virtually nothing but vague disgust and a sense of disbelief that she could have contemplated spending her life with her.

Her answer appeared to please Margaret who promptly grabbed her around the waist and pressed into her body. “I knew you’d be able to let go of this stuff and see the bigger picture. I was a bit worried when I talked to Janet. She was really unhelpful, even when I explained she had no right to interfere in our relationship. She had to know how important this was for both of us, but she still wanted to control you. It’s really unhealthy.” She looked up at Cody as though expecting some kind of endorsement.

Yet again Cody wondered how she could have missed Margaret’s jealousy of her deep friendship with Janet. “Did it occur to you that if I wanted you to know where I was I would have told you myself? ” Cody asked.

“People do things on the spur of the moment. I knew you were angry. I could see this was about punishing me.”

“Actually this was not about you, Margaret, ” Cody said. “It was about me. I made a decision for my own well-being. Apparently you could not respect this, and… here we are.” Hardly a new experience, Cody recognized. When had Margaret ever respected her wishes?

Margaret rolled expressive eyes. “If I really believed you wanted it, maybe I would have accepted it. But I know you better than that, no matter what Janet said.”

“Janet has nothing to do with this. I specifically told her not to tell you where I was, ” Cody said. “I trusted her to respect my wishes because she actually loves me.” Cody tried not to betray the extent of her bitterness. She would be damned if she was going to let Margaret know how much power she’d had. But a trace of it seeped out anyway.

Margaret looked wounded. “You’re still angry, aren’t you? ”

Cody put some distance between them by going into the kitchen for a glass of water. She felt as if she were talking to a stranger. Couldn’t Margaret hear herself? Didn’t she have any idea how Cody must have felt during this voyage of self-discovery? What it must have been like, after five years of living together, to have your lover walk out for a man she’d only just met? Now she was hearing their entire relationship reduced to little more than youthful experimentation for a woman confused about her sexuality!

“Christ, Margaret! What in hell did you expect? That I would be waiting around for you, desperate for whatever crumbs you might toss me? That you could kick me in the teeth, shit on my feelings, and come crawling straight back when the bubble burst? ”

Margaret went pale, her flirtatious looks replaced by a cautious, darting stare. She studied her hands miserably. “I thought you cared about me, ” she mumbled.

Cody deposited her glass on the bench with a restrained thud. “I did, ” she said, gritting her teeth. “I’m not the one who walked out, remember? I’m not the one who lied and manipulated.”

Margaret leaned against the door jamb, twisting her T-shirt in her hands. “But I explained everything, ” she said in a whiny tone. “I told you I needed some space. I told you I was confused about my feelings for Scott.”

“How exactly is leaving me and moving in with him getting some space? ” Cody shouted.

Margaret put a hand to her mouth and looked beseeching. “I don’t like it when you yell at me.” She pouted like a child. “My rebirther says that as long as I am completely true to myself, those who really love me will support me. She says it is cosmically impossible for anyone else to be hurt if I am acting for myself.”

“I get it. You do whatever you like, and if anyone is hurt by it, that’s our problem. Do I have that right? ”

“Sort of. It’s all about owning our own stuff. The thing is, I now process at a higher level, so I can let go of guilt.”

“Don’t you mean responsibility? ”

With forced patience, Margaret said, “I knew you wouldn’t be able to hear this. I’m just trying to explain that I had to let go of my destructive patterns around men before I could come to terms with who I am. My rebirther says—”

Cody raised a hand. “Enough of this shit. My rebirther says...” she parroted. “When are you going to switch your brain back on? Your fucking rebirther is charging you sixty bucks an hour to tell you exactly what you want to hear! Can’t you get that from your mom for free? ”

“Cody! ” Margaret lifted martyred eyes. “I’m finding this conversation very negative. I’m feeling very unsupported by you.”

“Unsupported! ” Cody laughed harshly. “Give me a break! I didn’t ask you to come here. For God’s sake, you haven’t even acknowledged how much you hurt me or said you’re sorry for your shitty behavior…nothing.”

“I know that all of this has brought up unresolved stuff for you, and I’m truly sorry if that process has been painful. I know you felt abandoned when your parents divorced and your brother died. I acknowledge that. But my rebir...I think it’s really important that we take responsibility for our own stuff, not other people’s.”

“So you decide our relationship is over because you’re finally ready to shack up with the toyboy you’ve been seeing behind my back. And if I feel terrible about all the lies and the betrayal, it’s because of some old stuff of mine and has nothing to do with you? Is it just me, or is there something wrong with that picture? ”

Cody knew she should end this ludicrous confrontation right now, but she had so much anger bottled up inside, she could not simply allow Margaret walk away. At some point her ex had to hear that her actions had consequences.

Margaret folded her arms stiffly across her body. “This conversation is getting us nowhere, ” she said as if it were Cody’s fault.

“No kidding.” Cody’s voice dripped sarcasm.

“You’re just not hearing me, ” she continued self-righteously. “If your feelings for me were truly evolved you would be able to hear that I meant no harm to you. You would support my right to grow even if you don’t like the learning paths I choose.”

“Evolve! ” Time to walk out and not look back. Margaret had lost her mind. She was always a little flaky, but she sounded completely brainwashed now. Had she joined a cult or something?

Margaret glared at Cody, then that old sparkle lit her eyes. “You know, you’re beautiful when you’re angry, ” she said with a giggle.

Cody looked at her incredulously. “Margaret, I’m not going to bed with you. Not now, not ever. I don’t love you any more.” Even as she said it she was aware of a heady relief, a lightness in her heart. She didn’t hate Margaret. She cared for her still. But the Margaret standing in front of her was not the woman she had fallen in love with. She met her gaze squarely. “I don’t want to fight with you, or play games. And you don’t need my support to do whatever you want to do. You’ve got your rebirther and your boyfriend, not to mention the church, the state, and society at large.”

“Here comes the lecture on political correctness, ” Margaret muttered.

“Cut the crap, Margaret. You’re not the first person to want all the emotional goodies you can get from women and to fuck blokes at the same time. Call it bisexual if you like—after all it’s trendy, isn’t it? But don’t pretend you’re on some ‘higher path.’”

“If you ever did any work on yourself you would have some respect for my process and how much courage it took for me to leave! ” Margaret’s cheeks were bright crimson.

Cody was stunned into silence, then she couldn’t help but laugh. “Courage…” she mused eventually. “Well I guess that’s subjective.” Her anger had ebbed, and she was left with a new understanding of Margaret as essentially a woman of weak character.

Margaret had spent five years with her because it was convenient. Someone had to keep a roof over her head so she could continue in school for another two years. Maybe she had really loved her once. Cody wanted to believe it, but she no longer felt certain of anything, least of all her own judgment. Deciding she owed it to herself to close this chapter of her life without mincing her words, she said, “You lied. You betrayed a person who loved you, and you stole her savings. By any standards that’s shameful. I really doubt unethical conduct is a ticket toward a higher self, but I can see you need to be in denial. And you know what? That’s your stuff, not mine.”

“You’re leaving? ” Margaret asked dully.

“Hell, yes. And I won’t be coming back.”

“Is there someone else? ”

“If there is, it’s none of your business.”

“I see.” Margaret examined her nails. “Your broken heart recovered pretty quickly.”

Cody’s temper flared briefly again. “Let’s say knowing you walked out on me so you could live with your soul mate helped speed up the healing process, ” she said coldly. “Then of course I discovered I had also donated my hard-earned savings to your vision of self-growth.”

“I said I’ll pay you back, ” Margaret said sullenly.

“I won’t be holding my breath.” Cody did not press the point. Whatever had happened, she had spent five years with this woman and had once loved her. It was time to say goodbye with dignity. “Let’s stop now, ” she said. “I’m willing to be a friend to you, and that’s why I’m being honest about what I think.”

Margaret’s bottom lip quivered, and Cody touched her arm lightly. “As a friend, I want you to do something when you get back home.”

“What? ”

“Go and get some counseling, and I mean with a real professional. I can get you the name of someone good.”

Margaret looked dubious. “I’ll think about it, although I find the lesbian perspective very narrow and limiting.”

“As opposed to the liberating and value-free heterosexual perspective? ” Cody opened the front door. “Flights leave for Rarotonga every second afternoon. Just phone me when you’re ready to take one.” She indicated the old party line telephone in the hallway. “Turn the handle once and wait.”

“I understand, ” Margaret said in a low voice.

Cody escaped out the door and jumped lightly off the verandah. Turning briefly, she searched her former lover’s face. No, she didn’t understand, Cody thought with a rush of sadness. Margaret had no idea why she had not been welcomed back with open arms.

Three days later, Cody was on page 90 of her thriller, and Annabel still hadn’t returned. The sky was as blue as ever but there was a curious heaviness in the air, and the gulls seemed noisier than usual, wheeling expectantly over Passion Bay and gathering in shrill cliques along the beach.

Amanda Valentine, Private Eye, was in a tight spot with some drug-crazed psycho.

“Blowing you away won’t exactly break my heart, dirtball, ” she yelled, crouched low behind the forklift.

She hoped Jesse Brown wasn’t expecting company. She’d wasted a round already and at six bucks a throw that was one too many for scum like him.

“So whatcha waitin’ for, bitch? ” the quarry bellowed.

Amanda caught a blur of denim behind a container to her left and followed it, bracing the Smith & Wesson against her rock-steady forearm.

Punks like Brown could sometimes be egged into mistakes. Bearing that in mind she tightened her finger around the trigger and taunted, “You better hope your brain’s bigger than your dick, sonny.” Then she squeezed.

A shadow fell across the page. Startled, Cody looked up. It was Margaret. Her heart sank.

“Hi, ” she greeted her, lukewarm.

Mumbling a hello, Margaret sat down on the sand and removed her sunglasses. “I just wanted to let you know I’ll be leaving tomorrow, ” she said flatly. “I’m going to spend the rest of my vacation on Rarotonga.”

“Okay.” Cody returned her attention to her book, making it clear she had no interest in further conversation.

Margaret squinted out to sea. “I thought about what you said, ” she began in a rush. “And I’d like the name of that therapist.”

Cody laid her book face down on the towel, conscious of Margaret’s extreme unease and the tell-tale puffiness around her eyes. For a moment guilt stabbed at her. Perhaps she’d been too hard on her.

“Sure, ” she said gently. “I’ll drop Janet a line and ask her to call you. She has the details.”

“Thanks.” Margaret trickled sand between her fingers. “Cody, I don’t know what to say.”

“I think we’ve said enough.”

“You’ve every right to hate me. I behaved like a deadshit. I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you.” Cody accepted the apology at face value. She gave Margaret’s hand a quick squeeze. “I was very hurt.”

“I know, and I know I can never make up for the way I behaved. But I’ve been doing some thinking. I still feel confused about my sexuality, but… Oh, Cody.” Hope brightened her eyes. “Could we…”

Cody shook her head. “It’s too late. There’s no going back. In some ways I feel like a different person now and I’ll bet you do, too.”

“I feel older, I’m not so sure about wiser, though, ” Margaret joked weakly.

Cody felt a surge of relief at that hint of her ex-lover’s old sense of humor. “We had some great times together, ” she said, wanting to acknowledge their bond. “Five years doesn’t vanish overnight. I still care about you, Margaret.”

Margaret stooped forward, shoulders heaving. “I don’t know what went wrong, ” she sobbed. “It was like one day I woke up, and I just couldn’t get any vision of the future, of us as old people. All I could think of was husband and wife, parents, children, grandparents, nuclear families—and I’ve been terrified ever since. I don’t want to be lonely when I’m old. I need people...family.”

“Of course you do.” Cody put an arm around her shoulders. “It’s not a crime to want that, Margaret. Role models of old lesbian couples and lesbian families are in short supply. Anyone would think we spontaneously combust at age fifty or something.”

“Yet there are masses of older women around, ” Margaret said. “Some of them must be lesbians.”

“Of course they are. But older women are invisible at the best of times, especially in terms of their sexuality. Many are very closeted, and I’m sure some are not even aware they are lesbian.”

“At least it won’t be that way for our generation, ” Margaret said.

Cody tried not to show her skepticism. “I hope you’re right. We certainly do have a few more options about how we choose to live now. They may not be easy options, but they’re what we’ve got, and I guess if we want anything to change, it’s up to us, isn’t it? ” She gave Margaret a hug. “Thanks for talking with me. I’m sorry this has been so rough.”

Margaret gave her a watery smile and a kiss on the cheek. “Will you phone me when you get back? ”

“Of course I will.” As she watched Margaret trudge off down the beach, she released a profound sigh.

Since their conversation when Margaret first arrived, Cody had rifled through her feelings again and again, seeking the slightest evidence that she might want to give the relationship another chance. She could find none. If anything, seeing Margaret once more confirmed what she knew in her heart. It was over. No matter what happened with Annabel, Cody realized, she would never go back to Margaret.