Two cannibals are having dinner. One cannibal says to the other, You know, I just hate my brother. The other cannibal says, Then just eat the noodles.

A man died and went to heaven.

He asked God, " God, how much is a million years to you? " God answered, " A second." He then asked God, " How much is a million dollars to you? " God answered, " A penny." The man then said, " Well, could you give me a million dollars." " Yes, " God replied, " In a second."

Мужик умер и попал на небеса. Он спросил Бога: «Боже, сколько миллион лет для тебя?» Бог ответил: «(Как) секунда». Тогда мужик спросил Бога: «Сколько миллион долларов для тебя?». Бог ответил: «(Как) одна копейка».

Мужик затем спрашивает: «Ты не мог бы дать мне миллион долларов?». – Могу, ответил Бог. Подожди секундочку…

2\52

A father was really chewing his son out for watching too much TV. He said, " When Abe Lincoln was your age he was studying by the light of the fireplace." His son looked up at him and said, " And when Lincoln was your age he was the president of the United States."

3\35

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter tells Forrest that he will have to answer three questions before he can gain admission into heaven. OK says Forrest. St. Peter begins, First, Forrest, tell me how many days of the week begin with the letter T. Well, says Forrest, I believe that would be two, today and tomorrow. St. Peter laughs and says, Forrest, that's not exactly what we had in mind, but you know you're right, so we'll take that answer. Now, your second question: How many seconds are there in a year. That's a really tough one, says Forrest, but I believe I know the answer. It's twelve. Twelve? says St. Peter. How did you ever come up with twelve? Well, says Forrest, you have January second, February second and so on.

4\32

A man was told by his doctor that he only had six months to live and so he started asking his friends what he should do. Several friends had no answer for him but finally an old man told him, " Here's what you should do. Move to Arkansas, find a widow who lives on a hog farm and has 6 little children. Marry her." The dying man says, " OK, but how is that going to help me live longer? " The old man replies, " You do that and it'll be the longest six months of your life."

5\31

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. They have retired for the evening and are lying on their backs looking at the stars when Holmes says, Watson, look up and tell me what you see. Watson replies, I see thousands of stars. Holmes says, And what does that mean to you? Watson thinks for a moment and answers, I guess it means we’ll have another nice day tomorrow. And what does it mean to you, Mr. Holmes? Sherlock Holmes replies, Well, to me it means someone has stolen our

6\29

A lady walked into a pet store and said, " I want a parrot but I only want one that talks." The manager said, " We have one parrot that talks all the time." So the lady bought the parrot and went home. The next day she went back to the pet store and said, " You told me that parrot talks all the time. I have not heard him say a word." The man said, " I'm very sorry. He talked all the time when he was here. Why don't you buy him a little swing? They just love the little swings." So she bought the little swing and put it in the bird's cage. The next day she came back to the pet store and said, " The parrot swings all the time but I still haven't heard a word." The man said, " I'm really sorry. We have these little mirrors. The birds love to look at themselves and talk to themselves." So the lady bought the mirror and put it in the bird's cage. The next day she returned to the pet store and said, " The parrot looks at himself in the mirror and swings but, not a word." The man replied, " We have these little ladders. The birds love to go up and down the ladder." So the lady bought a ladder and put it in the cage. The next morning when the lady woke up the parrot was near death. She returned again to the pet store and told the man the bird had died. He replied, " I can't believe--all those days and the parrot never said a word." She replied, " Well, he finally did talk. Just before he died he said, 'That store where you bought all these things, don't they sell bird seed? '"

7\28

A blonde and a professor were sitting next to each other on a plane. She was trying to read a book and he was trying to impress her by telling her how smart he was. Finally, he said, " To prove how smart I am, I'll ask you a question. If you can't answer it, you'll give me five dollars. You can then ask me a question. If I can't answer it, I'll give you five dollars." The blonde answered, " No way I'm going to do that! "

The professor then said, " OK, I'll ask you a question. If you can't answer it, you give me five dollars. You can then ask me a question. If I can't answer it, I'll give you $500." The blonde said, " OK. I'll give that a try." The professor asks the blonde a question. She couldn't answer it so she reached into her purse and gave him five dollars. The professor said, " Now you can ask me a question. If I can't answer it, I'll give you $500." The blonde said, " What goes up a hill on four legs and comes down on three legs? " The man thought and thought and finally said, " I have on idea." He reached into his pocket and gave her $500. She smiled and put the money in her purse. The man said, " Wait just a minute! What goes up a hill on four legs and comes down on three legs? " The blonde said, " I don't know, " and reached into her purse and gave him five dollars.

8\27

Two cannibals are having dinner. One cannibal says to the other, You know, I just hate my brother. The other cannibal says, Then just eat the noodles.

9\27

A man is interviewing God. He asks God, What is a billion years to you? God replies, Just a second. The man asks, What's a billion dollars to you? God replies, A penny. The man thinks for a moment and asks, Could you give me a penny? God smiles and says, Sure just a second.

10\27

Two men were talking. One said, " When I was young, my father would discipline me by sending me to my room without supper. But today my son has his own color tv, phone and computer in his room." " So what do you do? " his friend asked. The man replied, " I send him to my room."

11\26

God visited with Bill Clinton, Fidel Castro and Bill Gates and told them he was going to bring about the end of the world. Bill Clinton immediately goes on CNN and tell the country, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is-there is a God. The bad news is-he's going to end the world. Fidel Castro addresses the Communists and says, I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is-we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is-he's going to end the world. Bill Gates sends out an e-mail that says, I've got good news and better news. The good news is-there is a God. The better news is-we won't have to worry about finishing the upgrade for Windows 95.

12\26

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, went into a bar. The bartender asked the redhead what she would like to drink. She answered, " I'll have a CL." " A CL, " the bartender said, " I'm afraid I don't know what that is." " Duh!!! It's a Coors Light, " the redhead said. " OK, " said the bartender, turning to the brunette and asking, " And what will you have? " The brunette replied, " I'll have a BL." The bartender thought for a moment and said, " That's a Bud Lite, right? " The brunette said, " Yeah, duh! " The bartender then asked the blonde what she'd like to drink. " I'll have a 15, " she answered. The bartenderwas puzzled by this one, " A 15, what's that? " he asked. The blonde replied, " Duh!! It's a Seven and Seven, of course! "

13\25

A blonde is lamenting her problems selling her old car, which has 120, 000 miles on it. Her friend says, I know something you can do, but it's not exactly legal. That's OK, says the blonde, What is it? The friend says, I have a friend who runs a garage and he could run the mileage back on your car and make it easier to sell. Sounds great, says the blonde, Tell me where to find him. The blonde goes to see the mechanic and he runs back the mileage on her car to 50, 000. A few weeks later, the blonde sees her friend who asks, Did you ever sell your car? Why should I, replies the blonde, It only has 50, 000 miles on it.

14\25

An old man was having trouble with his memory so he went to the doctor. The doctor told the man to write down everything he wanted to remember. A couple of days later his wife wanted a late night snack and he told her he would go to the kitchen and get it for her. " Write it down so you won't forget. I want strawberry shortcake with whipped cream on top! " his wife said. " I can remember that, " the man said and headed for the kitchen. " Don't forget, write it down-strawberry shortcake with whipped cream on top, " his wife repeated. " I can remember that! " the man said again and went to the kitchen to get her snack. A few minutes later he returned and handed a plate of bacon and eggs to her. The woman took one look at it and said, " I told you to write it down. You forgot my toast! "

15\25

A little boy went to the mountains to visit his grandfather. The old man lived alone in a remote cabin back in the woods. On his first night there, his grandfather asked the little boy if he'd like some cookies and milk. The little boy said he would and his grandfather asked him to get a glass for the milk. The boy took a glass from the cabinet and said, " Grandpa, this glass looks dirty." His grandfather replied, " Son, it's as clean as cold water can get it." The little boy shrugged his shoulders, drank his milk and went to bed. The next morning the grandfather told the boy to get the plates out for breakfast. The little boy took a couple of plates out of the cabinet, looked at them and said, " Grandpa, these plates don't look very clean." His grandfather again replied, " Son, those plates are as clean as cold water can get them." The little boy again shrugged, sat down and ate his breakfast. After they finished their meal, the grandfather said, " Are you ready for some fishing? " The little boy was so excited he ran to the front door and opened it. He took a look outside and said, " Grandpa, there's a dog on the front porch." His grandfather looked outside and shouted, " Cold Water, you get off that porch."

16\24

An old farmer and his wife are having a friend over for dinner. After the meal the farmer takes the man around and says, Now that you’ve seen my new house, let me take you outside and show you my new tractor...and this is my new garage...and my new car...and my new pickup. The friend thanks him for dinner and leaves. The farmer’s wife comes into the living room and conks her husband on the head with a frying pan. What was that for? the farmer asks. His wife replies, It’s OUR house, OUR tractor, OUR garage and OUR cars. We’re married, remember? The old farmer is a bit befuddled by all this and heads to bed. About four in the morning he gets up and is walking around the bedroom. What are you doing? his wife asks. Looking for OUR britches, the farmer replies.

17\24

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?

A: Because she read that one out of every four children was Chinese.

18\23

A blonde applied for a job at the police department. The police chief interviewed her and told her she would have to answer three questions before he could hire her. " First, " the chief said, " How many days start with the letter 'T'? " The blonde thought about it for a minute and said, " Two. Today and tomorrow." The police chief smiled and said, " Well, that's no really what I was thinking but I can see how you could come up with that. The second question is--How much is one and one? " The blonde quickly replies, " That's easy. It's eleven." Again the police chief smiles and says, " OK. I guess that's a correct answer even though it was not the one I had in mind. Here's the third question. Who killed Abraham Lincoln? " The blonde seemed puzzled by this one and finally said, " You're going to have to give me some time to think on that one." The police chief said, " OK. Think about it and come back and see me tomorrow." The blonde went home and of course her family wanted to know how the interview had gone. She told them what happened and said, " Can you imagine? I've been there one day and they've already put me on a murder case! "

19\23

If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him, is what he says still stupid?

20\22

A man gets pulled over by the police. The officer walks up to the car and says, Sir, I pulled you over because you ran that stop sign back there. The man says, But I slowed down. The officer replied, But you didn’t stop. The man said again, But I slowed down. Again the officer said, But you didn’t stop. The man said again, But I slowed down. The officer had finally had enough. He told the man to get out and immediately started hitting the man with his nightstick. The officer then said to the man, Now, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?

21\22

Little Johnny was having trouble with math. So, his teacher decided to pull him aside for some one on one work. She said, " Johnny, if I gave you two bunnies plus two more bunnies plus two more bunnies, how many would you have? " Little Johnny thought for a moment and said, " Seven." His teacher said, " Let's think about it again. If I gave you two bunnies plus two bunnies plus two bunnies, how many would you have? " Once again Little Johnny said, " Seven." The teacher decided to try it another way, " OK, Johnny, if I gave you two apples plus two apples plus two apples, how many would you have? " Little Johnny said, " Six." " Very good, " said the teacher, " But Johnny, why do you keep telling me you'd have seven bunnies if I gave you two bunnies plus two more, plus two more? " Little Johnny answered, " Because I've already got one at home! "

22\21

An aggie owned a pig farm and his friend came by to visit. The friend noticed the aggie picking up a pig, feeding him an apple, then picking up another pig and feeding him an apple and continuing to do this with each individual pig. The friend says, Wouldn’t it be a lot faster to put all the apples down on the ground and let the pigs eat them rather than feeding them one by one? The aggie replies, What’s time to a pig?

23\21

A young mother was getting ready to feed her two year old daughter lunch. She asked the child, " What would you like for lunch today? " The little girl answered, " Ice cream." Not wanting to cause a big argument, the mother then said, " And what else would you like with your ice cream? " The little girl thought for a moment and said, " A spoon."

24\20

Two guys are driving around. Whenever they come to a red light, the driver speeds up and drives through the light. Don't you know you're gonna get us killed? asks the passenger. Nah, says the driver, my brother does it all the time. They come to a red light and again the driver speeds up and drives through. This is really dangerous, says the passenger, I wish you would stop doing it. The driver responds, Nothing to worry about. My brother does it all the time. Soon, they come to a light that is green. The driver screeches to a halt. Why are you stopping?, the passenger asks. The driver replies, I'm afraid my brother might be coming.

25\20

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh late on friday night?

A: Tell her a good joke on wednesday.

26\20

Just before Christmas an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were in an elevator together. As the doors opened, they noticed a $20 bill on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa Claus. The other two don’t exist.

27\20

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were working on a construction crew on a high rise building. They take a break for lunch and the Irishman looks into his lunch box and says, " Corned beef and cabbage again. If I get corned beef one more time I'm going to jump off this building! " The Mexican looks into his lunch box and says, " Burritos again. If I get a burrito for lunch again I'm going to jump off this building! " The redneck looks into his lunch box and says, " Bologna sandwich again. If I get one more bologna sandwich for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The next day when they break for lunch the Irishman looks into his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps off the building. The Mexican looks into his lunch box, sees a burrito and jumps off the building. The redneck looks into his lunch box, sees a bologna sandwich and jumps off the building. A couple of days later, the wives of the three men meet at their funerals. The Irishman's wife says, " If I'd only known he didn't like corned beef, I'd have made him something else." The wife of the Mexican says, " I never knew he didn't like burritos. I'd never have packed one for lunch if I'd only known." The wife of the redneck says, " Don't blame me. He packed his own lunch! "

28\20

An older couple went to a festival in a small town. When the husband heard there was a man there taking people for rides in an old fashioned open cockpit airplane he immediately wanted to go for a ride. When they found out the price was $10, the man's wife said, " Oh, no. It's too expensive. Ten dollars is ten dollars." The next year at the same festival again the man wanted to go up in the plane and again his wife refused, telling him, " It's too expensive. Ten dollars is ten dollars." The third year the couple stopped by the festival again and this time the pilot of the plane heard them discussing taking a flight. Again the woman said, " No. No. It's too expensive. Ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot came up to them and said, " Look, I'll take both of you up for a ride and if you don't say a word during the flight, I'll let you have the ride for free. If you say anything, I'll charge you ten dollars." The pilot wasn't worried. He knew one of his daredevil stunts would draw an " Oooh" or and " Aahh." The woman was delighted because she was sure she and her husband would get the ride for free. They got into the plane and the pilot pulled out all the stops, doing loops and flying the plane upside down. Not a sound was heard from the couple. When they landed, without even turning around to look at them, the pilot said, " I thought sure you would have to pay me the money. I can't believe you didn't say a word." The man replied, " I was tempted. When she fell out of the plane I almost said something, but you know, ten dollars is ten dollars."

29\20

A group of three managers and a group of three engineers were on their way to a seminar. As the managers were in line at the train station to buy their tickets, they noticed the group of engineers only purchased one ticket for the three of them. The managers ask the engineers what they are doing and the engineers tell them to watch and see. Upon boarding the train the three engineers rush to the restroom and they all squeeze in together. The train leaves the station and soon the conductor comes around collecting tickets. When he knocks on the restroom door, one hand comes out and gives him a ticket. The conductor thanks him and goes on his way. The managers are impressed that the engineers were able to save the price of two tickets and on the return trip they decide to try the same trick. At the ticket window, the managers buy one ticket, but they notice that this time the engineers don't purchase any tickets at all. They ask the engineers what they are doing and once again they tell them to watch and see. The three managers board the train and all of them squeeze into the restroom. The three engineers board and all three of them squeeze into the other restroom. As the train is departing, one of the engineers comes out of the restroom, knocks on the managers' restroom door and says " Ticket please."

30\20

A little boy wanted $100 so he could buy himself a video game. He wanted the money really bad and prayed for it every night for two weeks. After getting no response, he decided to write a letter to God asking for the money. Addressing the letter to " God, USA", he dropped it in the mail. The post office wasn't sure what to do with the letter so they just delivered it to the White House. President Bush read the letter and was touched by it. He told his secretary to send the boy $5. When the little boy received the letter and found the $5 in it, he wrote God another letter. In it he said, " Dear God, Thanks for the money. But for some reason before it got to me it went to Washington and those jerks deducted $95 from it."

31\19

Each Sunday at church a little boy would come up to the preacher and say, When I get big I'm going to make a lot of money and give it all to you. Each and every Sunday the boy would say the same thing to the preacher. Finally, the preacher asked the boy, I don't understand, you're a very young boy. Why are you so sure when you grow up you're going to give me a lot of money? The boy replied, Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had.

32\19

A man and his wife are sitting in their den watching TV when the wife says, Honey, if I should die tomorrow, would you get married again? The husband thinks for a moment and says, I think I would. I wouldn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. The woman then says, If I were to die, do you think you and your new wife would live in this house? The husband replies, I love this house so I guess we would probably continue to live in it. The wife then says, If I were to die, would you and your new wife sleep in our bed? The husband replies, We have a nice bed and new ones are expensive, so I can see no reason why we wouldn’t continue to use the same bed. The woman then says, If I were to die, do you think your new wife would use my golf clubs? The man thinks for a moment and says, Oh, no, Linda is left handed.

33\19

Mean little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was preparing supper. " I want some ice cream! " said little Johnny. " No, Johnny, it's too close to supper time, " his mother replied. Johnny continued to whine and complain that he wanted ice cream so his mother decided to play a game with him to get his mind off the ice cream. " Johnny, let's play a game, " his mother said, " You pretend you're the daddy coming home from work and I'll be the mommy." " OK, " said Johnny. " Hello, honey, how was your day, " Johnny's mother asked. " Fine, " said little Johnny who plopped down on the couch, propped his feet up and began reading his paper. They talk a little more and finally little Johnny says, " You know, honey, we certainly have a fine son, little Johnny." " Yes, we do, " Johnny's mother replied. " Do you know what I'd like for you to do? " little Johnny asked. " No, what? " his mother replied. " Get in there and get your son some ice cream! "

34\19

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning cup of coffee, slapping him on the back of his head. " I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Mary Lou' on it. You better have a good explanation, " the wife said. The man replied, " Honey, remember last week I went to the dog track. Mary Lou was the name of the dog I bet on." That afternoon when he returned home from work his wife came in and again slapped him on the back of the head. " What was that for? " the man asked. The wife replied, " Your dog called for you today."

35\19

A blonde was trying to sell her car and was having no luck because it had over 250, 000 miles on it. One day a friend of hers told her, " I know a way to make selling the car a little easier, but it's not exactly legal." " That's OK, " said the blonde, " I really want to sell it." Her friend said, " Here's the address of a man who can run the odometer on your car back, that should make the car more attractive to a buyer." The blonde took the address and went to see the man. A few days later, the friend saw the blonde again and she was still driving the car. " Hey, you didn't sell your car? " her friend said. The blonde replied, " Why should I, it only has 50, 000 miles on it! "

36\19

A newlywed bride was going to make her first Thanksgiving dinner and she decided that she would bake a ham. Her husband was watching her prepare it. Before placing it into the pan, she cut each end off of the ham. He said, " Honey, why are you doing that? " She said, " I don't know, that's just what my mother always did." She decided to investigate it a little further so she called her mother. She said, " Mom, I was making our ham and I wanted to fix it like you do. So I cut both ends off before putting it in the pan. Why did you always do that? " Her mother said, " I don't know. That's just the way grandma always did it." Her curiosity aroused, the wife called her grandma. She said, " Grandma, I'm fixing our Thanksgiving ham. I'm making it like you always did, by first cutting the ends off the ham. Why do we do that? " Her grandma replied, " That's the only way it would fit in my old pan."

37\19

An Aggie took a trip to Oklahoma City. While in a bar there, an Indian on the next stool said, " Hey, let's have a little contest. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you buy me a drink." The Aggie agreed and the Indian said, " My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister. Who was it? " The Aggie scratched his head and thought for a long while and finally said, " I don't know. Who was it? " The Indian said, " It was me! " The Aggie bought him a drink and left the bar. When he returned home a few days later he saw an old friend of his in a bar. He decided to try the game with him. After his buddy agreed to the game, the Aggie asked him, " My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister. Who was it? " His friend thought for a while and said, " I give up, who was it? " The Aggie laughed and said, " It's some Indian in Oklahoma! "

38\19

A pastor stood up before the congregation and said, " I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to build a new church. The bad news is unfortunately it's still in your pocket."

39\18

The Texas school newspaper sends a reporter out to interview successful farmers in the College Station area. One reporter goes to talk to a pig farmer and notices one of his prize pigs has a wooden leg. The farmer tells the reporter, That's my finest pig, he has the largest pen on the whole farm. The reporter asks, Why does the pig have a wooden leg? The farmer replies, That's a fantastic pig. He saved my life twice. Once, the tractor fell on me. The pig burrowed down and pulled me out. Another time my house was on fire. The pig came up to the house and woke me up so I was able to escape before the house burned down. Yep, that's one fine pig. The reporter persited, But you still haven't told me why the pig has a wooden leg. That's simple, the farmer replied, With a fine pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once.

40\18

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. As they lie down for the night, Holmes says, Dr. Watson, what do you see? Watson replies, I see a beautiful night sky with thousands of stars. And what does that mean?, Holmes asks. Watson says, I guess it means we're going to have another beautiful day tomorrow. What does it mean to you? Holmes replies, It means someones's stolen our tent.

41\18

Adam and God are having a little talk. Adam says, I really like that woman you've created. She sure is pretty. God replies, I made her that way so you'd love her. She sure is a good kisser, Adam says. I made her that way so you'd love her, God says. She sure can cook good, Adam says. I made her that way so you'd love her, God says. But, you know, God, Adam says, She's not really very smart. God replies, I made her that way so she'd love you.

42\18

Two older men were walking through a forest when they saw a frog. The frog said, Kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful princess who will do anything you want. One of the man picks up the frog and sticks it into his pocket. What are you doing? asks his friend, Didn’t you hear the frog? If you kiss it, it’ll turn into a beautiful princess who’ll do anything you want. The other man replied, I heard her. At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.

43\18

A frog called a psychic hotline to ask about his future. The psychic told him, I have some good news and some bad news. You have a beautiful girl in your future and she is going to want to know everything about you. The frog was very excited and said, That’s wonderful. Where will I meet her? The psychic replied, That’s the bad news. You’ll meet her in a biology lab.

44\18

Three blondes were going to Disney World. After driving for several hours, they came to a sign which said, Disney World-Left. The three looked at each other, said, Oh darn, and turned around and drove home.

45\18

In one Catholic church parish there was a young Irish priest who mentioned that in Ireland priests usually had a live-in housekeeper to help out. So the church, wanting to keep their fine priest happy, brought in a live-in housekeeper, a young lady named Clara. After she had been on the job a couple of days, the young lady rushed into the priest's office and said, " Oh father, your washing machine is broken." The priest smiled and replied, " Oh, Clara, don't call it 'my' washing machine. In this church we share everything-it's 'our' washing machine." A few days passed and Clara walked up to the priest and said, " Father, don't you feel it's getting warm in here? Your air conditioner must not be working." Again the priest smiled and said, " Oh, Clara, remember what I told you. It's 'our' air conditioner that isn't working." A couple of weeks later the priest was having a formal dinner for the bishop and several other priests when the housekeeper rushed in and said, " Oh father, you'll have to come right away. There's a mouse in the house! " The priest jumped up and said, " Oh Clara, where is the mouse? " Clara replied, " It's in 'our' bedroom."

46\18

A tractor salesman is driving down a country road when he sees a farmer plowing his field using a brahma bull. Thinking he has an easy sale here, the tractor salesman stops, walks up to the farmer and says, " Good day, sir. I'm going to sell you a tractor. It'll make your life so much easier." The farmer looks at him and says, " I've got a good tractor back in the barn." The tractor salesman replies, " Then why are you using a brahma bull to plow this field? " The farmer says, " I'm trying to teach this bull that there's other things in life besides chasing women and knocking down fences."

47\18

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen to clean up, while the two elderly gentlemen went into the living room to talk. One of them said, " You know, last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really good. I'd recommend it highly." His friend said, " Oh really, what's the name of it." The old man thought for a moment, scratched his head and said, " What's the name of that pretty flower. It's usually red, smells really good and has thorns? " His friend said, " You mean the rose? " The old man nodded and said, " Yeah, that's it." He then turned toward the kitchen and shouted, " Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? "

48\17

An old man and woman were having problems in their marriage so they go to see a marriage counselor. At the session, the wife talks on and on about the problems they are having while the husband sits stoically, saying nothing. After about 10 minutes, the counselor stands up, grabs the woman by the hand, pulls her into his arms and gives her a long passionate kiss. The counselor then turns to the husband and says, She needs that two times a week. The husband thinks about it for a moment and replies, OK. I can have her here on tuesdays and thursdays.

49\17

A blonde gets a new job and is sent on an out of town business trip. The next morning she calls her boss and says, I'm so sorry. I'm late for my meeting because I'm trapped in my room. You're trapped, says the boss, What do you mean? Well, says the blonde, There are only three doors inside my hotel room. One goes to the bathroom. One goes to the closet. And the other has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb.'

50\17

A little boy is standing on the street corner and a man walks up and asks the little boy for directions to the post office. The boy gives them to him and the man asks, Do you know who I am? When the boy says he doesn't the man replies, I'm a visiting evangelist. If you'll come to the services tonite, I'll tell you how to get to heaven. Why should I want to come, you don't even know how to get to the post office.

51\17

A frail little man is sitting in a bar all by himself when a big man walks up, pushes the little man off his barstool and chugs his drink. The little man starts crying, picks himself up and sits down on the barstool again. Feeling sorry for what he has done, the big man says, Let me buy you another beer. The little man says, That’s not it. This has been the worst day of my life. I lost my job, my wife left me, I wrecked my car and then when I get ready to take my life, you drink my poison.

52\17

One Sunday morning a mother walks into her son’s bedroom and says, Hey-you better get up! You’ve got to have breakfast and get ready to go to church. The son replies, Mom, I don’t think so. A few minutes later, the mother comes back, finds the son still in bed and says, Son, I’ll tell you again. Get out of that bed, get yourself cleaned up, have breakfast. You’ve got to go to church. The son replies, Give me one reason why I should go to church this morning. The mother replies, Well, for starters, you’re the preacher over there.

53\17

A man walks into a bar and notices a man sitting at the bar with a dog sitting on the barstool next to him. The man sits down next to the bar and says to the other man, Does your dog bite? The other man replies, No, and the man begins petting the dog. As soon as he touches him, the dog tears into the man. Yeow, says the man, I thought you said your dog didn’t bite! The other man replies, That’s not my dog.

54\17

Three men were walking along a beach when they came upon a bottle. They picked it up and out popped a beautiful lady genie. She said, " I'll grant each one of you a wish." The first man said, " I want to be the smartest man in the world." POOF!!! He started quoting Shakespeare and explaining Newton's laws. The second man said, " I want to be twice as smart as him." POOF!!! He began quoting the theories of Einstein. The third man said, " I want to be twice as smart as both of them." The genie looked at him and said, " I don't know if you'd like that." " I want it. I want it, " said the man. POOF!!! He was turned into a woman.

55\17

A Baptist preacher received a call from an elderly woman who said her husband was very ill and needed to talk to a minister. The Baptist preacher said he would be right there. After speaking with the man for a while, the preacher came out and said to the wife, " Mrs. Jones, your husband says he's a Methodist. I'm a Baptist minister. Why didn't you call your own preacher? " The woman replied, " Oh, we couldn't do that. What if my husband has something contagious? "

56\17

A woman walks into a store and demands a half a melon. She is going absolutely crazy in the front of the store. She causes such a commotion that the produce manager comes up to her and tries to calm her down. He says, " If you'll just stand right here, I'll take care of this." He walks to the back of the store and finds the store manager, saying to him, " There's an absolutely crazy old lady at the front of the store who wants a half a melon." At this moment he notices the woman has followed him to the back and has heard every word. Thinking quickly, the produce manager says, " And this nice lady would like the other half."

57\17

After the church service a little boy said to the pastor, " When I grow up I'm going to give you some money." The pastor replied, " Well, son, that's very nice but why do you want to do that? " The little boy replied, " Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."

58\17

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is looking at his book and says, " Sir, have you done a single good thing in your whole life? " " Yes sir, " the man says, " I've done one good thing. I was walking down the street and I saw this group of Hell's Angels messing with a woman. I walked up, punched the leader in the face and told him if he messed with her, he was messing with me." " Very interesting, " St. Peter says, " I don't see that in my book. When did it happen? " The man answers, " Oh, about two seconds ago."

59\16

A blonde comes to a river and notices that it is narrow and wants to cross it but is afraid because she doesn't know how deep it is. Another blonde comes up on the other side of the river. The first blonde asks her Do you know how deep the river is? The second blonde answers, No. The first blonde then says, I wonder how you get to the other side? The second blonde says, Duh! You're already on the other side.

60\16

A fifth grade teacher is trying new things to keep her class interested. In an effort to motivate them, she tells them that whoever can identify a quote will get the rest of the day off and will not have to return to class until next monday. The teacher says, Who can tell me who said this, This is our finest hour? A girl in the front row raises her hand and says, Winston Chruchill. Very good, says the teacher, you are dismissed from class. Now, class, who said this, Ask not what your country can do for you...? Quickly, a girl in the second row raises her hand and says, John F. Kennedy. That's correct, says the teacher, you can leave the class now. Frustrated, Little Johnny at the back of the class shouts, I wish those girls would shut up. Looking up, the teacher says, Who said that? Little Johnny replies, Bill Clinton. See you on monday.

70\16

A blonde is fed up with the all the blonde jokes and she decides she will do her part to improve the image of blondes by memorizing the capitals of all 50 states. The next night she's at a bar and when she hears a man start to tell a blonde joke, she interrupts him and says, Not all blondes are dumb, you know. As a matter of fact, I have memorized the capitals of all 50 states. Is that a fact, says the man, So what's the capital of Vermont. The blonde replies proudly, V, of course, duh!!!

71\16

There is a new preacher in town and he is riding around on his bicycle meeting everyone. He comes up to a little boy who is pushing a lawnmower. The little boy offers to trade the preacher the lawnmower for the bicycle. Thinking it sounded like a pretty good idea, the preacher agreed. He took the lawnmower home and was unable to get it to start. A little later, he saw the boy riding by on the bicycle. Hey kid, said the preacher, I can't get the lawnmower to start. Oh, said the kid, I forgot to tell you, you have to curse at it to get it to start. Gee, said the preacher, it's been so long since I cursed, I don't know if i remember how. Just keep pulling on the rope, said the kid, it'll come back to you.

72\16

Two monkeys were in a tree at the edge of the jungle. They looked across the grassy plain and saw a lion sleeping. One monkey said, Watch, I’m going to have some fun with this lion. He walks up to the lion and kicks him in the behind. The monkey takes off running with the lion in hot pursuit. The monkey rounds a corner and sees a large group of monkeys sitting under a tree. The monkey grabs a newspaper and sits down with the other monkeys and pretends to be reading it. The lion comes up to the monkey and says, Did you see a monkey run through here? The monkey says, You mean the one that kicked that lion’s behind? The lion says, Is that in the paper already?

73\16

A young woman is walking down a beach on the West Coast when she finds a bottle. She picks it up and out pops a genie. The genie says he will grant her three wishes-however under the genie’s rules whatever he grants her he must grant double to her husband. This upsets the woman as she is going through a nasty divorce and her husband has already moved back to the East Coast. Sorry, but those are the rules, says the genie. OK, says the woman, my first wish is for $1 million dollars. Poof! The woman has one million dollars placed in front of her. At the same time on the East Coast, the man finds two million dollars in his living room. Now I’d like a 40 carat diamond, says the woman. Poof! The woman now has a 40 carat diamond around her neck. At the same time, an 80 carat diamond appears in her husband’s living room. Let me understand this, says the woman, whatever I ask for, you give double to my husband. That’s correct, says the genie. All right, says the woman, now I want you to scare me half to death.

74\16

Legend has it that in New York City there is a bar that has a very special mirror in the ladies’ room. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth one will be granted three wishes. However, if one stands in front of the mirror and lies, the mirror will swallow you up, never to be seen again. One day a redhead of questionable looks walks up to the mirror and says, I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Poof!!! She is sucked into the mirror. Then a brunette walks up and says I think I’m the sexiest woman in the world. Poof!!! She is sucked into the mirror. Finally a drop dead gorgeous blonde walks up to the mirror, looks at it and says, I think... Poof!!! she is sucked into the mirror.

75\16

A preacher was coming through town doing a revival. After his sermon one evening an old lady asked him to come to her home for dinner. Looking forward to a home cooked meal, the preacher eagerly agreed. As he sits down to dinner he notices that the plates do not appear to be clean. He asks the old lady, " Excuse me, but are these plates clean? " " As clean as soap and water can get them, " the old lady replies. The man takes her at her word and enjoys one of the finest meals he has ever eaten. For dessert, the old lady brings out a big slice of apple pie. Again, the man notices the plate is dirty. He asks her, " Are you sure this plate is clean? " Again the woman replies, " As clean as soap and water can get it." The man decides not to think about it and enjoys the most delicious apple pie he has ever tasted. He finishes his meal and the old woman begins to clear the table. She picks up the dinner plates, walks to the back door with them, steps outside, whistles and says, " Here Soap, here Water."

76\16

A preacher went to visit an elderly couple. He sat down with them and they had some coffee and after some time, the old woman said, " I need to go put clothes in the dryer." The old man said, " Oh, darling, sweetheart, let me do that for you." He left and took care of the laundry and then came back. A little later the old woman said, " The dishes need to be loaded into the dishwasher." The old man said, " Oh, precious, my angel, please let me do that for you." He left the room to take care of the dishes and when he returned, the preacher said to him, " I just want to compliment you on the loving names you call your wife. That's very sweet to hear from a couple that's been married as long as you two have." The old man leaned down to the preacher and whispered to him, " Don't tell anyone but I forgot her name a year ago."

77\16

A blonde woman was having money problems. There was going to be a big lottery drawing that evening so she prayed to God to let her win. When the numbers were drawn, however, she was not a winner. The next week there was an even bigger lottery, so again she prayed to God, saying, " Please, God, my kids are going hungry, they're about to take away my car. Please let me win the lottery." Again the woman was disappointed as she did not win. The next week she prayed to God again, saying, " God, it's getting really bad. I'm about to lose my house. Please let me win the lottery." All of a sudden the clouds opened up and a thunderous voice says, " Sylvia, you've got to buy a ticket."

78\16

A young woman went to confessional and said, " Bless me Father, for I have sinned." " What is it my child? " the priest asked. " Father, " the young woman answered, " I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, " My dear, I have very good news for you. That's not a sin. It's only a mistake."

79\16

A teacher was telling her first grade class the story of the three pigs. She said the first pig came up to the farmer and asked him, " Do you have any straw to help me build my house? " The teacher then asked, " Little Johnny, what do you think the farmer said? " Little Johnny replied, " He probably said, " Holy smokes, a talking pig! "

80\16

The children's Sunday School teacher asked, " If I sold my house, my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven? " All the kids answered, " No! " The teacher then asked, " If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven? " The children again said, " No! " " OK, " the teacher asked, " Then how can I get into heaven? " A little five year old boy from the back of the class shouted, " First, you've gotta be dead! "

81\16

An elderly gentleman moved into a neighborhood that he hoped would be quiet. Much to his disappointment, he discovered that every afternoon after school a group of boys came down the street banging on the trash cans. He decided he would put a stop to it. One afternoon he went outside and met the boys. He said to them, " You know boys, I used to do the same thing when I was in school. I like what you're doing so much I'm going to pay you a dollar for every trash can you bang on coming down this street." The boys thought a dollar a can was a great deal so they accepted his offer. He paid them a dollar a can for a few days and then he said to them, " You know boys, times are tough and I'm going to have to cut back but I can still pay you 50 cents for every can you bang on." The boys weren't too thrilled with the cut in pay but they reluctantly agreed. After a couple of weeks, the man went out to talk to the boys again. He said, " Things are really tough. I haven't received my social security check yet so I can only pay you a quarter for every trash can you bang on." The boys looked at each other and one of them said, " A quarter? We're not going to do that for a quarter. We quit! "

82\16

A man driving a large truck was stopped at a light when he saw a blonde get out of the car behind him and walk up to the truck. She said, " My name is Heather and you're losing part of your load." He looked at her funny and she got back into her car. At the next light she got out again and told him the same thing. He looked at her funny and drove off. When he stopped at the next light she got out and came up to the truck again. Again she said, " My name is Heather and you're losing part of your load." Finally the exasperated trucker said, " Lady, my name is Joe Smith. It's wintertime, we're in Minnesota and I'm salting the road."

83\15

A man had been a member of the Catholic Church for many years. One day his dog died and he took the dog to the church and asked the priest to say some words over him. The priest said, " I don't say words over a dog. You need to take him to one of those other churches down the street." The man answered, " But I've been a member here forever. I'd hate to take this $5000 donation to another church." The priest answered, " Hold on, you didn't tell me the dog was Catholic."

84\15

An Aggie is driving down a country road when he sees a farmer with a large flock of sheep. The Aggie stops and says to the farmer, If I can tell you how many sheep you have in this flock, will you give me one? The farmer agrees and the Aggie gets down on his hands and knees and puts his ear to the ground. In a few seconds he gets up and says to the farmer, You have 348 sheep in your flock. The farmer is amazed as the Aggie is exactly right. You win. Pick out your sheep, says the farmer. The Aggie is getting ready to leave when the farmer says, Son, I bet I can guess where you went to college. OK, where, says the Aggie. I bet you went to Texas A& M. That's right, but how did you know, says the Aggie. Well, son, that's my dog you're holding there.

85\15

Bill Clinton and Al Gore are flying into Arkansas to look into a new land deal. The word has leaked out that they are flying in and a large crowd has gathered near the airport where their small airplane will be landing. Looking out over the crowd, Bill Clinton reaches into his wallet and tosses a $20 from the plane down to the crowd, saying, That'll make one person really happy. Al Gore, not to be outdone, takes two $10s from his pocket, tosses them out and says, That'll make two people really happy. The president then throws out four $5s, saying, That'll make four people really happy. Listening to what is going on and getting fed up, the pilot says, Why don't you both jump out and make everyone happy?

86\15

An aggie has been in college for 20 years and it’s beginning to look like he’s never going to graduate. The board decides to let him graduate if he can answer one simple question. It will be done at halftime of an aggie home football game. The aggie is brought to midfield and he is asked the question that, if answered correctly, will allow him to graduate. The aggie is asked, What is 2 plus 2? The aggie thinks about it for a minute and finally answers, Four. The crowd goes wild with all the aggies screaming, Give him another chance, give him another chance.

87\15

A couple was awakened late one night by an intoxicated man beating on their front door. The man goes to the door and asks the drunk what he wants. " I need a push, " the drunk said. The man says, " You need to go away and leave me alone. It's three o'clock in the morning! " The man goes back to bed and his wife says, " Remember that time we got stuck late one night and a man came by and was nice enough to give us a push. You should go back and help him." So the man goes back to the front door and shouts, " Do you still need a push? " From out of the darkness comes the reply, " Yes! " The man says, " Where are you? " The drunk replies, " I'm here in the swing."

88\15

An old gentleman hadn't been feeling well so he went to the doctor. After running a complete battery of tests, the doctor told the man, " I don't really know what the problem is. I just can't tell, it may be because of the drinking." The old man looked at the doctor and replied, " Well, I can come back when you're sober."

89\15

Jim was one of the biggest worriers you ever saw. He worried about everything. When he got up in the morning he worried about what was for breakfast, he worried about what he was going to do at work that day and he worried about whether his VCR would tape his favorite show that night. Then one day one of his friends saw Jim and he looked very happy. His friend said, " You look like a changed man. What happened? " Jim said, " I hired a professional worrier to worry for me. Now I don't have a care in the world." His friend said, " That's great. What does he charge? " " A thousand dollars, " Jim said. His friend asked, " How in the world are you going to pay for it? " Jim smiled and said, " That's his problem."

90\15

A man who lived in California was walking down the beach when he saw a bottle. He picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, " For centuries I've been giving everyone three wishes. I'm getting tired now, so I'm cutting back to only one wish. What do you wish for? " The man thought for a moment and said, " I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly. How about you build me a bridge so I can drive there? " The genie scratched his head and said, " I don't know about that. It's 3000 miles from California to Hawaii, and the Pacific ocean is very deep. Can you come up with something else? " The man thought and said, " I've always wanted to understand women. Can you give me some insight into how they think and what makes them do the things they do? " There was a long pause and then the genie said, " Would you like that bridge to be two lane or four lane? "

91\14

A Jewish man, a Hindu and an Aggie were on a business trip when their car quits on them. They were way out in the middle of nowhere with no other cars in sight, so they began walking. Finally, they come up to a farm house. They walk up and tell the farmer their story. It's just beginning to get dark, so the farmer suggests they stay the night with him and in the morning they'll head back to the car and see what is wrong with it. Only one problem, says the farmer, I only have room for two of you in the house. You'll have to draw straws to see who has to sleep in ther barn. The men draw straws, the Jewish fellow loses and he heads to the barn to bed down for the night. Just as he is getting settled in, a pig walks up and looks him in the eye. The Jewish man knocks on the door to tell the farmer, I'm sorry. I can't sleep in the barn with the pig. It's in violation of my religion. The farmer tells him to come inside and tells the other two men that one of them will have to sleep in the barn. Once again they draw straws and this time the Hindu loses. He is preparing to go to sleep when he notices a cow in the barn with him. Again there is a knock on the farmhouse door. It is the Hindu who tells him that his religion will not allow him to sleep in the barn with a cow. The farmer tells him to come in and informs the Aggie he will have to sleep in the barn. A couple of minutes go by and there is a knock at the door. The farmer opens the door and it's the cow and the pig.

92\14

A duck walks into a restaurant and says to the manager, Got any duck food? The manager replies, No. We don't serve ducks here. Get out!. The next day at the same time the duck walks in and says, Got any duck food? Again, the manager tells him no and advises him to leave. The next day at the same time the duck walks in and says, Got any duck food? By now the manager is getting upset, No, we don't have any duck food. I've told you before we don't serve ducks here. If you ever come back in here again, I'll nail your flat little webbed feet to the floor. The next day the duck walks in and says, Got any nails? The manager replies, No. The duck then asks, Got any duck food?

93\14

Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman’s life?

A: Third grade.

94\14

Q: What do you call a good looking woman from Oklahoma?

A: A tourist.

95\14

A senator, a clergyman and a boy scout were passengers on a small plane when the pilot came back and announced that the plane was having engine trouble. The pilot said, It looks like we’re going down and the bad news is that we only have three parachutes on the plane. I have a wife and seven kids and my family needs me, so I’m taking one of the parachutes, and with that the pilot bailed out. The three remaining passengers looked at each other and the senator said, I’m the smartest politician in the whole world and my country needs me, so I’m taking a parachute. And with that, the politician jumped. The clergyman looked at the boy scout and said, I’ve had a good life and yours is just beginning. You take the last parachute. The boy scout replied, Don’t have to. That smart politician strapped on my backpack when he jumped.

96\14

A man was having his preacher and his wife over for supper one night and out of the blue the man’s parrot said, Hey, preacher, your wife sure is ugly. The man snatched up his parrot and took him out of the room. The man told the parrot, If you ever do anything like that again, I’ll pluck your tail feathers out. The next week the preacher and his wife were over for dinner again and sure enough, the parrot said, Hey, preacher, your wife sure is ugly. The man grabbed the parrot, took him out of the room and plucked out one of the bird’s tail feathers. He then said, If you ever say any thing like that again, I’ll pluck out the rest of your tail feathers. The next week the preacher and his wife were over for dinner again. Throughout the meal, the parrot was quiet, not saying a word. Then as the preacher and his wife were preparing to leave the parrot said, Hey, preacher! The preacher glared at the bird and said, What? The parrot replied, You know what!

97\14

A cowboy rides into town and walks into a saloon for a drink. When he finishes his drink he discovers his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, flips his gun out of his holster, spins it around, fires a shot into the ceiling and says, Which one of you stole my horse? No one answers, so he says, OK then, I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse isn’t back outside when I finish I’m gonna do what I did in Texas...and I don’t wanna do what I did in Texas. This makes several of the cowboys in the bar nervous because he sounds like he means business. He finishes his beer and when he steps outside sure enough, his horse is back. The cowboy gets on his horse and is starting to ride away when the bartender steps up to him and says, I’ve just gotta know, stranger, what did you do when that happened to you in Texas? The cowboy replied, I had to walk home.

98\14

A blonde took her car into the paint and body shop to have some repairs made. She had recently been in an accident a