Act one, scene sixteen

WHITEHALL, CELLAR

SCORPIUS is squinting at a bottle.

SCORPIUS: So we just take it?

ALBUS: Scorpius, do I really need to explain to you — ü bergeek and Potions expert — what Polyjuice does? Thanks to Delphi’s brilliant preparation work, we are going to take this potion and be transformed, and thus disguised we will be able to enter the Ministry of Magic.

SCORPIUS: Okay, two points, one, is it painful?

DELPHI: Very — as I understand it.

SCORPIUS: Thank you. Good to know. Second point: Do either of you know what Polyjuice tastes of? Because I’ve heard it tastes of fish and if it does I will just vomit it back up. Fish doesn’t agree with me. Never has. Never will.

DELPHI: Consider us warned. (She knocks back the potion.) It doesn’t taste of fish. (She begins to transform. It’s agonizing.) Actually it tastes quite pleasant, yum. It is painful but... (She burps, loudly.) Take it back. There is a — slight — (She burps again, she turns into HERMIONE.) Slight — overpowering — fishy residue.

ALBUS: Okay, that’s — wow.

SCORPIUS: Double wow.

DELPHI/HERMIONE: This really doesn’t feel how I — I even sound like her! Triple wow.

ALBUS: Right. Me next.

SCORPIUS: No. No way, José. If we’re doing this, we’re doing it (he puts on a pair of familiar-looking glasses with a smile) together.

ALBUS: Three. Two. One.

They swallow.

No, that’s good. (He’s racked with pain.) That’s less good.

They both start to transform and it’s agonizing.

ALBUS turns into RON, SCORPIUS into HARRY.

The two look at each other. There’s a silence.

ALBUS/RON: This is going to be slightly weird, isn’t it?

SCORPIUS/HARRY (full of drama — he’s really enjoying this): Go to your room. Go straight to your room. You’ve been an incredibly awful and bad son.

ALBUS/RON (with a laugh): Scorpius...

SCORPIUS/HARRY (tossing his cloak over his shoulder): It was your idea — I be him and you be Ron! I just want to have a little fun before I... (And then he burps loudly.) Okay, so that’s utterly horrible.

ALBUS/RON: You know, he hides it well, but Uncle Ron’s got a bit of a gut growing.

DELPHI/HERMIONE: We should go — don’t you think?

They emerge onto the street. They enter a telephone box. They dial 62442.

TELEPHONE BOX: Welcome, Harry Potter. Welcome, Hermione Granger. Welcome, Ron Weasley.

They smile as the telephone box disappears into the floor.