Soften your approach to pain with others

It's difficult to overestimate the impact our Transformational Vocabulary has on ourselves and on others. We need to remember the value of using what I call softeners and intensifiers; they give us a greater degree of precision in our dealings with others, whether it's a romantic relationship, a business negotiation, or all the possible scenarios in between. Years ago, when I thought something was " screwed up" in my business, I would call the appropriate person and say, " I'm really upset" or " I'm really worried about this." Do you know what that did? My language pattern automatically put the other person into reaction, even if it wasn't my intention; often, they tended to become defensive, something that prevented both of us from finding a solution to the challenge before us.

So what I learned to do instead was to say (even if I felt more intensity), " I'm a little bit concerned about something. Can you help me? " First of all, doing this lowered my own emotional intensity. This benefited both me and the person with whom I was communicating. Why? Because " concerned" is a much different word than " worried." If you say that you're worried about something, you may be conveying the impression that you don't have faith in this person's abilities. And second, adding " a little bit" softens the message significantly. So by lowering my intensity, I enabled the person to respond from a position of strength and also enhanced my level of communication with them. Can you see how this would improve your interactions at home as well? How do you habitually communicate with your kids? Often we don't realize the power our words have on them. Children, as well as adults, tend to take things personally, and we need to be sensitized to the possible ramifications of thoughtless remarks. Instead of continually blurting out impatiently, " You're so stupid! " or " You're so clumsy! " —a pattern that can in some cases powerfully undermine a child's sense of self-worth—break your own pattern by saying something like " I'm getting a little bit peeved with your behavior; come over here and let's talk about this." Not only does this break the pattern, allowing both of you to access a better state to intelligently communicate your feelings and desires, but it also sends the child the message that the challenge is not with them as a person but with their behavior—something that can be changed.

This can build what I call the Reality Bridge, the foundation for more powerful and positive communication between two people—and have a more powerful, positive impact on your kids.

The key in any of these situations is to be able to break your pattern; otherwise, in your unresourceful state, you may say things you'll regret later. This is exactly how many relationships are destroyed. In a state of anger, we may say things that hurt somebody's feelings and make them want to retaliate, or cause them to feel so hurt that they don't want to open up to us ever again. So we've got to realize the power of our words, both to create and to destroy.

" The German people is no warlike nation.

It is a soldierly one, which means it does not want a war but does not fear it.

It loves peace but it also loves its honor and freedom."

ADOLF HITLER

Words have been used by demagogues throughout the ages to murder and subjugate, as when Hitler perverted a nation's frustrations into hatred for a small group of people, and in his lust for territory persuaded the German populace to gird for war. Saddam Hussein labeled his invasion of Kuwait, and the subsequent hostilities, a jihad, or " Holy War, " which powerfully transformed the Iraqi citizens' perceptions of the justness of their cause.

To a lesser extent, we can see in our recent history plenty of examples of the careful use of words to redefine experience. During the recent Persian Gulf War, the military's jargon was unbelievably complex, but it served to soften the impact of the destruction that was occurring. During the Reagan administration, the MX missile was renamed the " Peacekeeper." The Eisenhower administration consistently referred to the Korean War as a " police action."

We've got to be precise in the words we use because they carry meaning not only to ourselves about our own experience, but also to others. If you don't like the results you're getting in your communication with others, take a closer look at the words you're using and become more selective. I'm not suggesting that you become so sensitized that you can't use a word. But selecting words that empower you is critical.

By the same token, is it always to our advantage to lower the intensity of our negative emotions? The answer is no. Sometimes we need to get ourselves into an angry state in order to create enough leverage to make a change. All human emotions have their place, as we'll talk about in Chapter 11. However, we want to make certain that we do not access our most negative and intense states to start with. So please don't misinterpret me; I'm not asking you to live a life where you don't have any negative sensations or emotions. There are places where they can be very important. We'll talk about one of them in the next chapter. Realize that our goal is to consistently feel less pain in our lives, and more pleasure.

Mastering Transformational Vocabulary is one of the single most simple and powerful steps toward that goal.

Beware of labels that can limit your experience. As I mentioned in the first chapter, I worked with a young boy who was at one time labeled " learning disabled" and is now evaluated as a genius. You can imagine how that one change in words has radically transformed his perception of himself and how much of his ability he now taps. What are the words you want to be known by? What characteristic word or phrase do you want others to identify with you?

We've got to be very careful of accepting other people's labels, because once we put a label on something, we create a corresponding emotion. Nowhere is this truer than with diseases. Everything that I've studied in the field of psychoneuroimmunology reinforces the idea that the words we use produce powerful biochemical effects. In an interview with Norman Cousins, he told me of the work he'd done in the last twelve years with over 2, 000 patients. Time and again, he noticed that the moment a patient was diagnosed—i.e., had a label to attach to his symptoms—he became worse. Labels like " cancer, " " multiple sclerosis, " and " heart disease" tended to produce panic in the patients, leading to helplessness and depression that actually impaired the effectiveness of the body's immune system.

AND NOW, A PAUSE FOR OUR SPONSOR...

Sometimes vocabulary is even more transformational than bargained for—a fact to which several major advertisers can attest. After translating their slogan " Come Alive! You're in the Pepsi Generation" into Chinese, corporate officials were stunned to discover that they'd just spent millions of dollars announcing, " Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave." Chevrolet, mystified by sluggish sales of its new Nova compact in Latin America, eventually discovered the Spanish translation of no va: " It Doesn't Go."

Conversely, studies proved that if patients could be freed of the depression produced by certain labels, a corresponding boost was automatically produced in their immune systems. " Words can produce illness; words can kill, " Cousins told me. " Therefore, wise physicians are very careful about the way they communicate." That's one of the reasons why, in Fortune Management, ™ our practice-management company, we work with doctors not only in helping them to build their businesses, but in teaching them how to enhance their emotional sensitivity to enable them to contribute more. If you're in a profession where you work with people, it's imperative that you understand the power of words

to impact those around you.

If you're still skeptical, I suggest that you simply test Transformational Vocabulary on yourself, and see what happens. Often in seminars, people say things like, " I'm so angry about what this person did to me! "

I'll ask them, " Are you angry, or are you hurt? " Just asking them that question often makes them reevaluate the situation. When they select a new word and say, " I guess I'm hurt, " you can instantly see their physiology reflect a drop in intensity. It's a lot easier for them to deal with hurt

than it is with anger.

Similarly, you can try lowering your emotional intensity in areas you may not have thought of. For instance, instead of using the phrase, " I'm starving to death, " what if instead you said, " I feel a little hungry"? By using that, you'll discover as I have that you can literally lower the intensity of your appetite in a matter of moments. Sometimes people overeat simply out of a habitual pattern of whipping themselves into an emotional frenzy. Part of it starts with the language they use consistently.

At a recent Date With Destiny seminar, we witnessed a great example of the power of using words to change someone's state instantly. One of the participants came back from dinner, absolutely radiant. She told us that right before dinner she'd had an incredible urge to cry, and ran out of the room, bawling. " Everything was all jumbled up, " she said. " I felt like I was going to burst. I thought I was going to have a breakdown. But then I said to myself 'No, no, no, you're having a break-up/' That made me laugh. And then I thought, 'No—you're having a break-through? '" The only thing she had changed was one word, but by taking control of her labeling process (her vocabulary) she completely changed her state and her perception of her experience—and thus transformed her reality.

Now is your chance. Take control. Notice the words you habitually use, and replace them with ones that empower you, raising or lowering the emotional intensity as appropriate. Start today. Set this processional effect in motion. Write down your words, make your commitment, follow through, and know what the power of this simple tool in and of itself will accomplish without using anything else.

Next, let's take a look at something that's equally fun and equally simple in empowering you to manage your emotions consistently. Together, let's blaze a trail of possibility as you...

DESTROY THE BLOCKS,

BREAK DOWN THE WALL,

LET GO OF THE ROPE,

AND DANCE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS:

THE POWER OF LIFE METAPHORS

" The metaphor is perhaps one of man's most fruitful potentialities. Its efficacy verges on magic, and it seems a tool for creation which God forgot inside one of His creatures when He made him."

jose ortega y gasset

" I'm at the end of my rope."

" I can't break through the wall."

" My head is about to burst."

" I'm at a crossroads."

" I struck out."

" I'm floating on air."

" I'm drowning."

" I'm happy as a lark."

" I've reached a dead end."

" I'm carrying the world on my shoulders."

" Life is a bowl of cherries."

" Life is the pits."

In the last chapter we talked about the power of words to shape our lives and direct our destinies. Now, let's look at certain words that carry even more meaning and emotional intensity: metaphors. In order to understand metaphors, we must first understand symbols. What creates more immediate impact: the word " Christian" or the image of a cross? If you're like many people, the cross has more power to produce immediate positive emotions. It's literally nothing but two intersecting lines, but it has the power to communicate a standard and a way of life to millions of people. Now take that cross, twist it into a swastika, and contrast it with the word " Nazi." Which has more power to influence you negatively?

Again, if you're like most, the swastika will tend to produce stronger sensations more quickly than the word itself. Throughout human history, symbols have been employed to trigger emotional response and shape men's behavior. Many things serve as symbols: images, sounds, objects, actions, and, of course, words. If words are symbolic, then metaphors are heightened symbols.

What is a metaphor? Whenever we explain or communicate a concept by likening it to something else, we are using a metaphor. The two things may bear little actual resemblance to each other, but our

familiarity with one allows us to gain an understanding of the other. Metaphors are symbols and, as such, they can create emotional intensity even more quickly and completely than the traditional words we use. Metaphors can transform us instantly. As human beings, we constantly think and speak in metaphors. Often people speak of " being caught between a rock and a hard place." They feel like they're " in the dark, " or that they're " struggling to keep their head above water." Do you think you might be a little bit more stressed if you thought about dealing with your challenge in terms of " struggling to keep your head above water" rather than " climbing the ladder of success"? Would you feel differently about taking a test if you talked about " sailing" through it rather than " flailing"? Would your perception and experience of time change if you talked about time " crawling" rather than " flying"? You bet it would!

One of the primary ways we learn is through metaphors. Learning is the process of making new associations in our minds, creating new meanings, and metaphors are ideally suited for this. When we don't understand something, a metaphor provides a way of seeing how what we don't understand is like something we do understand. The metaphor helps us to link up a relationship. If X is like Y, and we understand X, suddenly we understand Y. If, for example, someone tries to explain electricity to you by throwing around the terms " ohms, " " amperes, " " wattage, " and " resistors, " chances are they'll totally confuse you because it's likely you have no understanding of these words, no references for them, and therefore it's difficult to understand a relationship between them.

But what if I explained electricity to you by comparing it to something you were already familiar with? What if I drew you a picture of a pipe and said, " Have you ever seen water running through a pipe? " You'd say yes. Then I'd say, " What if there were a little flap that could slow down the amount of water going through the pipe? That little flap is what a resistor does in an electrical unit." Would you now know what a resistor is? You bet—and you'd know it instantly. Why? Because I told you how this was like something you already understood. All great teachers—Buddha, Mohammed, Confucius, Lao-Tzu—have used metaphors to convey their meaning to the common man. Regardless of religious beliefs, most would agree that Jesus Christ was a remarkable teacher whose message of love has endured not only because of what he said, but also the way in which he said it. He didn't go to the fishermen and tell them he wanted them to recruit Christians; they would have no reference for recruiting. So he told them he wanted them to become " fishers of men."

The minute he used that metaphor, they immediately understood what they needed to do. This metaphor instantly gave them an analogous step-by-step process for how to bring others into the faith. When he told his parables, he distilled complex ideas into simple images that transformed anyone who took their message to heart. In fact, not only was Jesus a master storyteller, but he used his whole life as a metaphor to illustrate the strength of God's love and the promise of redemption[68].

Metaphors can empower us by expanding and enriching our experience of life. Unfortunately, though, if we're not careful, when we adopt a metaphor we instantaneously also adopt many limiting beliefs that come with it. For years physicists used the metaphor of the solar system to describe the relationship of the electrons to the protons and neutrons within the nucleus of an atom. What was great about this metaphor? It immediately helped students understand the relationship between the

atom and something they already understood. They could immediately picture the nucleus as the sun and the electrons as planets revolving around it. The challenge was that by adopting this metaphor, physicists—without realizing it—adopted a belief system that electrons remained in equidistant orbits from the nucleus, very much in the same way that planets remained in basically equidistant orbits from the sun. It was an inaccurate and limiting presupposition. In tact, it locked physicists for years into a pattern of irresolution of many atomic questions, all because of a false set of presuppositions adopted due to this metaphor. Today we know that electrons don't maintain equidistant orbits; their orbits vary in distance from the nucleus. This new understanding wasn't adopted until the solar system metaphor had been abandoned. The result was a quantum leap in the understanding of atomic energy.