Set up the game so you can win

In the last chapter, we devoted a great deal of time to setting up values. But as I've already stated, if you don't make the rules achievable, you'll never feel like those values are being met. When I first started to develop my ideas on designing destiny, I had only the concept of values and not rules, so whether or not a person felt like they were on track was completely arbitrary. The day I discovered rules, I began to understand the source of pain and pleasure in our experience. I understood that rules are the triggering device of human emotion, and began to evaluate how I could use rules more effectively.

As I've mentioned before, it quickly became clear to me that the majority of people are wired for pain. Their rules make it very, very difficult to feel good, and very easy to feel bad. Let me give you a

powerful example. Here are the values of a woman we'll call Laurie who attended one of my earliest Date With Destiny seminars:

LAURIE'S OLD MOVING-TOWARD VALUES

Love

Health

Security

Freedom

Success

Acceptance

Excellence

Harmony

Respect

Integrity

Honesty

Fun

At first glance, these values look wonderful, don't they? You would think that this person is probably loving and healthy and freedom-oriented. With a closer look, though, we can already see a few challenges.

Laurie's third value is security, and her fourth value is freedom. Do those two sound like they go well together? The reality was that this woman was wired for massive pain. She was frustrated in every sense of the word, and was literally becoming a recluse[148], hiding out from people. No therapist she'd visited could figure out why. They were all working on her behaviors, her fears, and her emotions, instead of looking at the way her Master System of evaluating every event and experience of her life was wired.

So I began to elicit her rules for each of her values: " What has to happen in order for you to feel _______? " For her to feel love, her answer was, " I have to feel like I've earned it. I have to feel like all my beliefs are accepted and approved of by every person I meet. I can't feel like I'm loved unless I'm perfect. I have to be a great mother, a great wife, " and so forth.

Instantly we began to see the problem. Love was the highest value on her list, the greatest source of pleasure she could possibly feel in her body. Yet her rules did not allow her to give herself this pleasure unless she met these complex criteria which she couldn't control! If any of us made our ability to feel loved dependent on everyone accepting our views, we wouldn't feel love very often, would we? There are just too many people with different ideas and beliefs, and therefore too many ways for us to feel bad.

How do we know if a rule empowers or disempowers us? There are three primary criteria:

1. It's a disempowering rule if it's impossible to meet. If your criteria are so complex or varied or intense that you can't ever win the game of life, clearly you have a disempowering rule.

2. A rule is disempowering if something that you can't control determines whether your rule has been met or not. For example, if other people have to respond to you in a certain way, or if the environment has to be a certain way, you clearly have a disempowering rule. A classic example of this is the people waiting to view the eclipse who couldn't be happy unless the weather—something they couldn't control—acted according to their specific expectations.

3. A rule is disempowering if it gives you only a few ways to feel good and lots of ways to feel bad. Laurie had managed to meet all three of these criteria for disempowering rules, hadn't she? Having to feel that all her beliefs were accepted and approved by people was an impossible criterion. It required the outside environment, something she could not control—other people's opinions—to make her feel good. It provided lots of ways to feel bad, and provided no clear way to feel good. Here are some of the rest of her rules for her values hierarchy:

LAURIE'S OLD MOVING-TOWARD VALUES AND RULES

Love: I have to feel like I've earned it, like all my beliefs are accepted and approved. I can't feel like I'm loved unless I'm perfect. I have to be a great mother and wife.

Health: I have to feel like my diet is perfect by my strict standards.

I have to be completely free of physical pain. I must feel like I'm healthier than everyone I know and be an example.

Security: Everyone must like me. I must feel that everyone I meet is certain I'm a good person. I must be certain that there will be no nuclear war. I must have much more money in my savings account

than I already do.

Freedom: I must be in control of my working demands, hours, fees, opinions, etc. I must be financially secure enough not to live under stress or financially related pressure.

How likely do you think it is that Laurie will meet one of her values, much less any? What about her rules for health? " I have to feel like my diet is perfect by my strict standards." She was not only a vegetarian, but ate only raw food, and she still didn't feel perfect! What are your chances of being healthier than everyone you know? Not much, unless you hang out in the intensive care unit!

LAURIE'S OLD MOVING-AWAY-FROM VALUES AND RULES

Rejection: I feel rejected if someone doesn't share my beliefs, if someone seemingly knows more than I do.

Failure: I feel failure if someone doesn't believe I'm a good person. I feel failure if I don't feel I support myself or my family well enough.

Anger: I feel anger when I don't feel like what I do is appreciated, when people judge me before they know me.

These moving-away-from rules are equally immobilizing. Notice how easy it is to feel bad, and how hard it is to feel good. If all it takes for her to feel rejected is someone not sharing her beliefs, then she's in for a lot of heartache. And what are the chances in your life of having people judge you before they know you? Only about one hundred percent! With these rules, can you imagine what it would be like to live in her body? She was racked with pain, and one of her biggest sources, if you look at her rules, was people. Any time she was around people, she was risking the possibility they might not share her beliefs, or might not like her, or might judge her. No wonder she was hiding out! At one point I finally said, " It's my guess that a person with values and rules like this would develop an ulcer[149]." She said, " I already have one."

Laurie's experience, unfortunately, is not unique. Certainly some of her rules are more intense than others. But you will be absolutely surprised when you find out how unfair your own rules are when you

begin to scrutinize[150] them! At Date With Destiny, we attract some of the most successful people in the country—people whose level of skill and influence in the culture is unmatched. And yet, while they're successful on the outside, many are lacking the happiness and fulfillment they deserve. Invariably, it's because of values conflicts or inappropriate rules.