The solution

The solution is very simple. All we have to do to make our lives work is set up a system of evaluating that includes rules that are achievable, that make it easy to feel good and hard to feel bad, that constantly pull us in the direction we want to go. Certainly it's useful to have some rules that give us pain. We need to have limits; we need to have some kind of pressure that drives us. I can't taste fresh orange juice unless I have a glass, something with limits to contain the juice. We all have limits, both as a society and as individuals. For starters, though, we should at least rewire ourselves so we can experience pleasure more consistently in life. When people are feeling good all the time, they tend to treat others better, and they tend to maximize their potential as human beings.

So what's our goal? Once we design our values, we must decide what evidence we need to have before we give ourselves pleasure. We need to design rules that will move us in the direction of our values, that will clearly be achievable, using criteria we can control personally so that we're ringing the bell instead of waiting for the outside world to do it.

Based on these requirements, Laurie changed the order of some of her values and completely changed her rules for achieving them. Here are her new values and rules:

LAUME'S NEW MOVING-TOWARD VALUES AND RULES

Love: I experience love anytime I express love, give love to others, or allow myself to receive it.

Health: I am healthy when I acknowledge how wonderful I already feel!

Fun: I'm having fun when I find pleasure and joy in the process.

Gratitude: I feel grateful when I appreciate all the things I have in my life right now.

Freedom: I feel free when I live by my convictions and accept the choice to create happiness for myself.

Notice that fun is now a priority. This transformed her experience of life, not to mention her relationship with her daughter and husband. But even more powerful were the changes she made in her rules. Changing the values would have limited impact if the rules were unachievable.

What has this woman done? She has rewired her entire life so that she's in control. You and I need to remember that our self-esteem is tied to our ability to feel like we're in control of the events in our environment. These rules allow Laurie to always be in control without even trying.

Are her new rules for love achievable? You bet! Who's in control? She is! At any moment in time, she can decide to be loving to herself and others, and she'll now have permission to give herself the emotion called love. She'll know she's meeting her highest values. How often can she do this? Every single day! There are lots of ways to do it because there are lots of people she can be loving to: herself, her family, her friends, and strangers. How about her new rule for health? What's beautiful about it is that not only is she in charge—because she can acknowledge how wonderful she feels at any moment—and not only is it achievable, but isn't it true that if she regularly acknowledges feeling good, she'll reinforce the pattern of becoming more healthy?

In addition, Laurie adopted some new moving-away-from values. She selected emotions she knew she had to avoid indulging in order to succeed: negativity and procrastination. Remember, we want to reverse the process of how most of us are wired. We want to make it hard to feel bad, and easy to feel good.

LAURJE'S NEW MOVING-AWAY-FROM VALUES AND RULES

Negativity: I avoid consistently depending on the acceptance of others for my ultimate happiness and success.

Procrastination: I avoid consistently expecting perfection from myself and others.

With Laurie's new moving-away-from rules, she no longer depends upon the acceptance of others. Her rule for procrastination is based on her realization that expecting perfection created pain, and she hadn't wanted to begin projects that would create pain, so that's why she'd been procrastinating. These changes in values and rules have redirected her life to a level beyond anything she could have imagined.

Now, here's an assignment for you: based on the new values you've set up for yourself in the last chapter, create a set of rules for your moving-toward values that makes it easy to feel good, and a set of rules for your moving-away-from values that makes it hard to feel bad. Ideally, create a menu of possibilities with lots of ways to feel good. Here are a few of mine:

A SAMPLING OF MY MOVING-TOWARD VALUES AND RULES

Health and Vitality: Anytime I feel centered, powerful, or balanced; anytime I do anything that increases my strength, flexibility, or endurance; anytime I do anything that moves me toward a sense of physical well-being; anytime I eat water-rich foods or live in accordance with my own health philosophy.

Love and Warmth: Anytime I'm being warm and supportive of my friends, family, or strangers; anytime I focus on how to help; anytime I'm loving toward myself; anytime my state of being enhances how other people feel.

Learning and Growing: Anytime I make a new distinction that's useful; anytime I stretch myself beyond what was comfortable; anytime I think of a new possibility; anytime I expand or become more

effective; anytime I apply anything I know in a positive way.

Achieving: Anytime I focus on the value of my life as already created; anytime I set an outcome and make it happen; anytime I learn anything or create value for myself or others.

You may say, " Isn't this just a game? Couldn't I set it up so that I meet my rule for health just by breathing? " Certainly you could base it on something this simple. Ideally, though, you'll design your rules so that by pursuing them you have more of what you want in your life. You also may say, " Won't I lose my drive to succeed if there's no pain motivation? " Trust me. Life will give you enough pain on your own if you don't follow through. You don't need to add to it by creating an intense set of rules

that makes you feel lousy all the time.

In sociology there's a concept known as " ethnocentricity, " which means we begin to believe that the rules, values, and beliefs of our culture are the only ones that are valid. This is an extremely limiting mindset.

Every person around you has different rules and values than you do, and theirs are no better or worse than your own. The key question is not whether rules are right or wrong, but whether they empower or disempower you. In fact...