Evolution of an identity

One of my friends, a woman named Debra whom everyone knows as adventurous and vibrant, recently shared with me a story about the transformation she had undergone with her identity. " When I was growing up, " she said, " I was always a wimp. I wouldn't do anything physical, or anything that had any potential of my getting hurt." After attending some of my seminars and having new experiences (scuba diving, firewalking, and skydiving), she began to see that she could do these things—if she forced herself. But these references were not yet organized into a new belief about who she is. She now merely saw herself as " a wimp who'd skydived." The transformation had not yet taken place, but unbeknownst to her, it had been set in motion. She reports that other people were envious of her accomplishments, saying things like, " I wish I had the guts to do what you did. You're so adventurous! " She was genuinely taken by surprise by their comments, but the continuous view that others had of her began to cause her to question her view of herself.

" Finally, " Debra said, " I began to link pain to the idea of being a wimp. I knew my belief about being wimpy was limiting me, so I decided that was not who I wanted to be anymore." Not only that, but all this time her psyche had been wrestling with the incongruity between how her friends viewed her and how she perceived her own identity. So when she had another chance to go skydiving, she seized upon it as an opportunity to make the leap from potentiality to actuality, from " what could be" to " what is." It was time to boost her " adventurous" identity from opinion to conviction.

As the plane climbed to an altitude of 12, 500 feet, Debra watched the less experienced members of her skydiving team struggle to contain their fear and look like they were having fun. She thought to herself, " That's who I used to be, but I'm not that person anymore. Today, I'm going to have fun! " She used their apprehension[196] as contrast with the new person she had decided to become. She thought to herself, " That's how I used to respond" —and was startled to realize that she had just made a major shift. She was no longer a wimp, but an adventurous, powerful woman about to have the time of her life.

She was the first jumper to leave the plane, and all the way down she whooped with delight, joy, and exhilaration. She had never before felt such intense levels of pure physical energy and excitement. One key element that may have pushed her over the edge in instantly adopting her new identity was her deep level of commitment to setting an example for the other jumpers in her role as team leader. She told me, " It's like what you do. Tony. If you did a whole seminar about breaking through fear and limitation, but refused to do the Firewalk, it just wouldn't work. You have to walk your talk."

Debra's transformation was complete. She gained new references that started to chip away at her old identity, made a decision to identify with greater possibilities, and when the right moment came, contrasted her new identity with what she no longer wanted to be. This was the final leverage she needed to bring about the transformation. Her evolution was simple yet powerful. This complete identity change now impacts her kids, her business, and everything else she's involved in. Today, she's

truly an adventurous leader.

Of course, you can always decide to redefine yourself. Think of the wondrous imagination that suffuses[197] the heart and soul of every child. One day he's Zorro, the masked avenger. The next he's Hercules, the Olympian hero. And today, he's Grandpa, his own real-life hero. Identity shifts can be among the most joyous, magical and liberating experiences of life. Why do adults look forward all year to Halloween or New Orleans's Mardi Gras? One reason, I'm sure, is that these celebrations give us permission to step outside ourselves and assume an alter ego. We may do things in these new identities that we wouldn't normally do; we may do things we want to do all the time but see as inconsistent with our identities.

The reality is that we could do this any day of the year! We could completely redefine ourselves, or we could simply decide to let our " real selves" shine through. Like mild-mannered Clark Kent shedding his

spectacles and business suit to reveal the mighty Superman, we may uncover a giant identity that is more than our behaviors, more than our past, more than any label we've been giving ourselves.