Expand your references and expand your life

We can always use whatever life has to offer in an empowering way, but we have to do it proactively. The choices I have in my life come from a rich set of reference experiences that I have consciously pursued on an ongoing basis. Each day I look for ways to expand. Into my thirty-one years I've packed literally hundreds of years of experience. How can I say that? The number of challenging and enriching experiences that I have in a month relates more closely to what most people experience over a

period of years.

One of the major ways I began to do this, starting at the age of seventeen, was through the rich experiences that books provide. Early in my life, I developed the belief that leaders are readers. Books could take me to other lands where I could meet unique people like Abraham Lincoln or Ralph Waldo Emerson whom I could utilize as my personal coaches. I also knew that within the pages of books I could find the answers to virtually any question I had. This breadth of references that hundreds of books have given me has provided countless choices for how I can assist people. I pursued these references because I realized that if I didn't feed my mind with the nourishment it craved, then I would have to settle for the intellectual junk food that could be found in the nightly " sound bites" on television news or through the opinions of the newspapers. If this is our major source of information, then we can expect to get the same results as everyone else in society does.

The most powerful way to have a great understanding of life and people, to give ourselves the greatest level of choice, is to expose ourselves to as many different types of references as possible. In my youth, I was inspired to seek spiritual understanding when I realized that I'd attended only one church and been exposed to only one religious philosophy for the majority of my life. In high school I received a scholarship in journalism to attend a two-week program held at California Polytechnic State University in San Luis Obispo. On that Sunday we were all given an assignment to write a story about a church service.

As we began to walk through the community, deciding where we would go, I found myself gravitating toward the church of my denomination[171]. But along the way, I heard several of my friends talking about the Mormon Church we had just passed and how " horrible" those people were. It seemed to me that people just aren't that deplorable[172]; I had to see what was going on. So I attended the service, and saw that the Mormons loved God as much as I did. The only difference was that they had a few

rules that varied slightly from my own.

This started my spiritual odyssey, which developed into a personal ritual for almost a year and a half. Throughout my eighteenth and nineteenth years, two or three times a month, I would attend a totally different type of worship: Lutheran, Catholic, Baptist, Episcopalian, Methodist, Jewish, Buddhist, and so on. As a result of this, I truly began to live at a more spiritual level where I began to appreciate all people's spiritual beliefs. Even if I didn't subscribe to their particular rules or perceptions, I had a much broader base of understanding and compassion as a result.

If you want to expand your life, go for it! Pursue some experiences that you've never had before. Go scuba diving. Explore the undersea world, and find out what life's like and what you're like in a whole new environment. Go skydiving. When you're sitting on the edge of a plane 12, 500 feet in the air, and you know you're going to fall for an entire minute at 120 miles an hour, to get yourself out of that plane requires absolute faith. You don't know what faith is until you have this reference!

Go take that helicopter lesson. I assure you, it will change your life forever. Take four days and go to racing school. You'll learn more about limits and possibility than you could imagine. Go spend an evening at the symphony, if it's not something you usually do—or a rock conceit, if that's what you habitually avoid. Expand your level of choice. One day, spontaneously, go by a children's hospital during visiting hours. Go meet some strangers and tell some stories. The challenge to develop rapport

and find a way to touch others' lives will change you forever. Maybe it's time to immerse yourself in another culture and see the world through others' eyes. Maybe it's time to visit Fiji and celebrate in

a kava ceremony with the locals. Or take part in a " ride along" program at your local police department, where you sit in the back seat of a patrol car and see your community through an officer's eyes.

Remember, if we want to understand and appreciate people, one of the most powerful ways is to share some of their references. Perhaps it's time to go back to school, to explore the " inner universe" in the form of biology or physiology, or understand our culture better through a study of sociology or anthropology. Remember, any limits that you have in your life are probably just the result of limited references. Expand your references, and you'll immediately expand your life.

While the possibilities I've touched on are exciting and inspiring, they are offered to get your juices flowing. You don't have to do all of them—or any of them—in order to gain new references. You don't have to go on safari in Africa; you can just go around the comer, and help a homeless person in your own community discover resources of their own that they never knew existed. Whole worlds open up with the addition of just one new reference. It could be one new thing you see or hear, a conversation or a movie or a seminar, something you read on the very next page—you never know when it may happen.

" The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible."

ARTHUR C. CLARKE

Now let's take inventory of some of the most powerful references that have shaped your life. Take a moment now and write down five of the most powerful experiences that have shaped who you've become as a person. Give not only a description of the experience, but how that experience impacted you. If you write down anything that seems to have impacted you negatively, immediately come up with another interpretation of that event, no matter what it takes. This may require some faith; it may require a new perspective you never would have considered before. Remember, everything in life happens for a reason and a purpose, and it serves us. Sometimes it takes years or decades for us to find value. But there is value in all human experience.

As you review this list of all the events that have positively shaped your life, I want you to think about some new references that would be very valuable for you to pursue. What are some new experiences you need? A good question might be, " In order to really succeed at the highest level, to achieve what I really want for my life, what are some references I need? " Maybe what you need to do is model somebody who has really made their relationships work; find out what some of their beliefs are, what some of their references are about what makes a relationship work. Or maybe you just need to seek out references that make you appreciate life more or that make you feel like you are contributing.

Now think of some fun references to have. Maybe you don't " need" them, but think of some that would be entertaining or would just make you feel good. I began to study martial arts because I knew what an incredible set of states the discipline would provide. I earned my black belt in toe kwon do in eight months by studying directly with the great Grandmaster Jhoon Rhee and modeling his incredibly intense focus. I realized that if I could have the experience of disciplining myself so fiercely in that area of my life, then that reference would spill over to many other areas—and it did. So, what else could you do?

Once you've brainstormed a list of great references to acquire, put a time line and a date on each. Decide when you are going to do every one. When are you going to learn to speak Spanish or Greek or Japanese? When are you going to take that hot-air balloon ride? When are you going to go to the local old folks' home and sing carols? When are you going to do something unusual and new?

What are some references you could provide for your family that would be invaluable? Maybe it is taking your kids to the Smithsonian, maybe it is something as simple as sitting down and talking about the references that the family has already shared, or getting together with some of the grandparents and talking about their lives and what they have learned. What invaluable references these sixty-, seventy-, eighty-, and ninety-plus year-olds have for those of us who are younger!

One of the most powerful references I have shared with my family is delivering Thanksgiving dinners to those who cannot or will not visit shelters. I'll never forget my youngest son's reaction when he was four years old. It was Jairek's first time participating, and we went to a park in Oceanside, California. We found an old man who was sleeping on the floor of a bathroom with no doors, trying to cover himself with old clothes he had found in trash cans. My son marveled at his very long beard and was a little bit scared. I handed Jairek the basket of food and other survival goodies, and said, " Go on and give it to this man, and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving." Jairek approached cautiously. As he went into the bathroom with a basket that was as big as he was, he set it down gently. The man looked like he was either drunk or asleep. Jairek touched the man and said, " Happy Thanksgiving! " All of a sudden, the man bolted upright and grabbed my son's hand. My heart leaped into my throat, and just as I started to spring forward, the man took Jairek's hand and kissed it. He whispered hoarsely[173], " Thank you for caring." Boy, what a reference for a four-year-old!

Remember, it's the moments of our lives that shape us. It's up to us to pursue and create the moments that will lift us and not limit us. So now, get off the bench and step into the game of life. Let your imagination run wild with the possibilities of all those things you could explore and experience—and begin immediately. What new experience could you pursue today that would expand your life? What kind of person will you become? Take action and enjoy exploring the possibilities. Let's discover the profound change that comes from…

IDENTITY: THE KEY TO EXPANSION

" Nothing great will ever be achieved without great men, and men are great only if they are determined to be so."

CHARLES DE GAULLE

There were no marks on his body. The Chinese Communists had held him captive in a tiny room for more than twenty hours, but they hadn't beaten or tortured him. They had even offered him a cigarette or two... and as a result of their polite conversation, this GI now held a document in his own handwriting detailing the countless injustices and destructiveness of the American way of life—the capitalist society—and praising the superiority and ethical humanity of the Communist system. What's more, the essay this officer of the U.S. Army had written was now being broadcast to his and other POW camps in North Korea, as well as to the American forces stationed in South Korea. He would later divulge military information, turn in his fellow prisoners, and fervently[174] denounce his own country.

What caused this man to completely reverse his world-view and dismantle[175] the beliefs that had been instilled[176] in him over a lifetime? What caused him to abandon the core values he'd previously held and become a collaborator with the enemy? What single change would make such a radical shift in the thoughts, emotions, and actions of an individual?

The answer lies in understanding that he was directed down a path that caused him to literally shift his identity. He was now simply acting in accordance with his new image of himself.

Throughout this book you've explored with me the impact of beliefs, one of the foundational elements in the Master System that directs all of our evaluations. Beliefs guide us to conclusions, and therefore they teach us how to feel and what to do. However, there are different levels of beliefs that have different levels of impact on the quality of our lives.

Some are very specific. For example, the beliefs you have about a particular friend will determine how you think and feel about his behavior, and the meaning that you'll link to anything that he does. If you " know" that he is loving, then even if he appears to be angry at the moment, you will not question his ultimate intent. This belief will guide all of your interactions with this person. But this will not necessarily affect the way you deal with a stranger. These beliefs impact you in only one specific

area of your life: your interactions with this friend.

Some beliefs, however, have an expanded influence on your life; I call these global beliefs. These are the beliefs which have much further-reaching consequences. For example, the beliefs you have about people in general will affect not just the way you deal with your friend, but with everyone you meet. These beliefs will powerfully impact your career, your level of trust, your marriage, and so forth.

The global beliefs you have about the concepts of scarcity and abundance, for example, will determine your stress level and your generosity of time, money, energy, and spirit. If you believe we live in a world with scarce[177] resources—where there's only so much money, so much time, so much love—then you'll constantly live in fear that you won't have enough. This stress will affect the way you think of your neighbors, your co-workers, your financial capabilities, and opportunities in general.

More powerful than any of these, though, is the core belief that is the ultimate filter to all of our perceptions. This belief directly controls the consistency of your life's decisions. These are the beliefs you have about your identity.

What we can or cannot do, what we consider possible or impossible, is rarely a function of our true capability. It is more likely a function of our beliefs about who we are. In fact, if you've ever found yourself unable to even consider doing something, where your response to someone is, " I could never do that" or " I'm just not that kind of person, " then you've run up against the barriers of a limited identity. This isn't always bad, of course. Not perceiving yourself as a murderer is a very important distinction! Not perceiving yourself as someone who would take advantage of others is probably very useful. It's important to realize that we define ourselves not only by who we are, but by who we are not.

What exactly is identity? It is simply the beliefs that we use to define our own individuality, what makes us unique—good, bad, or indifferent—from other individuals. And our sense of certainty about

who we are creates the boundaries and limits within which we live.

Your capability is constant, but how much of it you use depends upon the identity you have for yourself. For example, if you feel certain that you are an outgoing, outrageous person, you'll tap the resources of behavior that match your identity. Whether you see yourself as a " wimp" or a " wild man, " a " winner" or a " wallflower, " will instantly shape which capabilities you access. You may have read the book Pygmalion in the Classroom, which details the dramatic change in students performance when they become convinced that they are gifted.

Time and again, researchers have shown that students' capabilities are powerfully impacted by the identities they develop for themselves as the result of teachers' belief in their level of intelligence. In one study, a group of teachers were told that certain students in their classes were truly gifted and to make sure that they challenged them to continue to expand. As can be expected, these children became the top achievers in their class. What makes this study significant is that these students had not actually demonstrated higher levels of intelligence—and, in fact, some had previously been labeled poor students. Yet it was their sense of certainty that they were superior (which had been instilled I

by a teacher's " false belief) that triggered their success.

The impact of this principle is not limited to students. The kind oft person other people perceive you to be controls their responses to you. Often this has nothing to do with your true character. For example, if a person sees you as a crook[178], even if you're an honest person and do good things, this person will search for the sinister[179] motive behind your acts. What's worse is that, after making a positive change, we often allow others in our environment who have not changed their image of us to anchor our own emotions and beliefs back into our old behaviors and identities. We all need to remember that we have tremendous power to influence the identities of those we care about most.

This is the power that Marva Collins commands when she influences her students to believe that they are the masters of their destinies, that they are as talented as any human being who has walked on earth.

" The best effect of fine persons is felt after we have left their presence."

RALPH WALDO EMERSON

We all will act consistently with our views of who we truly are, whether that view is accurate or not. The reason is that one of the strongest forces in the human organism is the need for consistency. Throughout our lives, we've been socialized to link massive pain to inconsistency and pleasure to being consistent. Think about it. What labels do we attach to people who say one thing and then do another, who claim to be one way and then behave another? We call them hypocritical, fickle, unstable, unreliable, wishy-washy, scatterbrained, flaky, untrustworthy. Would you like to have these labels attached to you?

Would you even like to think of yourself in this way? The answer is obvious: a resounding no! As a result, whenever we take a stand— especially a public stand—and state what we believe, who we are, or what we're about, we experience intense pressure to remain consistent with that stand, regardless of what that inflexibility may cost us in the future.

Conversely, there are tremendous rewards for remaining consistent with our stated identities. What do we call people who are consistent? We use words like trustworthy, loyal, steady, solid, intelligent, stable, rational, true-blue. How would you like to have people consistently use these labels to describe you? How would it feel to think of yourself in this way? Again, the answer is obvious: most people would love it. Thus, the need to remain consistent becomes irrevocably tied to your ability to avoid pain and gain pleasure.

" A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin[180] of small minds."

RALPH WALDO EMERSON

The Pygmalion effect also works in reverse. If you feel certain that you are " learning-disabled, " it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is quite different from believing that your current strategy for learning is ineffective. The ability to change one's strategy is perceived by most of us to be a simple and achievable task, as long as we have the right teacher.

However, changing ourselves—changing the essence of who we are—is perceived by most to be next to impossible. The common response, " I'm just this way, " is a phrase that murders dreams. It carries with it the sentence of an unchangeable and permanent problem.

A person who believes they have developed a drug addiction can clearly change. It will be difficult, but a change can be made, and it can last. Conversely, a person who believes himself to be a drug addict will usually return to the use of drugs even after weeks or months of abstinence. Why? It's because he believes that this is who he 15. He doesn't have a drug addiction; he is a drug addict. Remember from Chapter 4 that once a person has a conviction about anything, he will ignore and even defend against any evidence that's contrary to his belief. Unconsciously, this person will not believe that he can change long-term, and this will control his behavior.

In addition, there's often a secondary gain involved in the process of maintaining this negative behavior. After all, this man can blame his addiction on something he can't control—it's simply " who he is" —instead of facing the reality that taking drugs is a conscious decision. This will be augmented by the need within the human nervous system for consistency, and he will return to this destructive pattern again and again. Surrendering his identity would be even more painful than the clearly destructive effects of the drugs themselves.

Why? Because we all have a need for a sense of certainty. Most people have tremendous fear of the unknown. Uncertainty implies the potential of having pain strike us, and we'd rather deal with the

pain we already know about than deal with the pain of the unknown. Thus, living in an ever-changing world—one in which we are constantly surrounded by the flux of new relationships, redefined job roles, changing environments, and a steady stream of new information—the one thing that we all count on to be constant is our sense of identity. If we begin to question who we are, then there is no foundation for all of the understandings upon which we've built our lives.

If you don't know who you are, then how can you decide what to do? How can you formulate values, adopt beliefs, or establish rules? How can you judge whether something is good, bad, or indifferent? The biggest challenge for someone who perceives his identity as a drug addict is: what does he change his identity to? To a " recovering drug addict"? This doesn't change his identity; it merely describes the state he's in currently.

" Drug-free" doesn't do it either, because most see it as a temporary state—and it still focuses on drugs as one of the ways of defining oneself. When this person develops the conviction that he is absolutely clean, that he's now a " Christian, " " Muslim, " " Jew, " or " Buddhist, " or now that he's a " leader" —or anything else other than a " drug addict" —that's when his behavior changes. As we develop new beliefs about who we are, our behavior will change to support the new identity.

The same thing happens with a person who has excess weight whose identity is, " I'm a fat person." This individual may diet and lose weight in the short term, but he will always gain it back because his sense of certainty about who he is will guide all his behaviors until they are once again consistent with his identity. We all must maintain the integrity of our convictions of who we are, even when they are destructive and disempowering.

The only way to create lasting change for an individual who's been using drugs is to change his conviction from " I am a drug addict" to " I'm a health nut" or " I'm a living example that no problem is permanent" or " Now I'm _____." Whatever the new identity, it must be one that would never even consider the use of drugs. If drugs are offered again, his immediate response is not to evaluate whether he should use them or not, but to simply state with absolute certainty, " I'm not that kind of

person. That's who I used to be."

Those with excess weight must transform their identity from a fat person to a vital, healthy, and athletic human being. This identity change will shift all their behaviors, from their diet to their exercise, and allow them to create the long-term physiological changes that are consistent with their new identity. This shift may sound like it's merely a semantic manipulation, but in truth it is a much deeper and more profound transformation of personal reality.

In fact, one shift in identity can cause a shift of your entire Master System. Think about it. Doesn't a drug addict have a completely different system of evaluation—the states he consistently experiences, the questions he asks, the values that guide his actions, and the references he organizes into beliefs—than does someone who considers himself to be a leader, a lover, an athlete, or a contributor? While it's true that not all identity shifts are as complete as others, some are indeed so far reaching that one Master System is literally replaced in a moment by another.

If you've repeatedly attempted to make a particular change in your life, only to continually fall short, invariably the challenge is that you were trying to create a behavioral or emotional shift that was inconsistent with your belief about who you are. Shifting, changing, or expanding identity can produce the most profound and rapid improvements in the quality of your life.