Reading is feeding your mind

You are not even limited to your own personal experiences as references. You can borrow the references of other people. Early in my life, I chose to focus on those who had made it, those who had succeeded and contributed and were impacting people's lives in a major way. I did so by reading biographies of successful people and learned that regardless of their background or conditions, when they held on to their sense of certainty, and consistently contributed, success eventually came. I used their references as my own, forming the core belief that I could truly shape my own destiny.

Do you remember my friend Captain Gerald Coffee who was a prisoner of war in Vietnam for over seven years? A good deal of that time was spent in solitary confinement. One of the things that enabled him to preserve his sanity when the outside world gave him no references for joy was to turn to his own rich internal world. As a child he had memorized various poems and stories, which he repeated to himself to create a different " environment" from the one he had to endure day after day. You don't have to go into solitary confinement to discover the beauty and power of cultivating a bountiful treasure chest of memories and imagined references. How can you fill that chest? Explore the wealth of literature, stories, myths, poetry, and music. Read books, view movies and videotapes, listen to audiotapes, go to seminars, talk with people, and get new ideas. All references have power, and you never know which one could change your entire life.

The power of reading a great book is that you start thinking like the author. For those magical moments while you are immersed in the forests of Arden, you are William Shakespeare; while you are shipwrecked on Treasure Island, you are Robert Louis Stevenson; while you are communing with nature at Walden, you are Henry David Thoreau. You start to think like they think, feel like they feel, and use imagination as they would. Their references become your own, and you carry these with you long after you've turned the last page. That is the power of literature, of a good play, of music; that is why we constantly want to expand our references.

I used to believe that going to see a play was a waste of time. Why? Because the only plays I had ever attended were poorly acted, and their pace was painfully slow. But one day Becky and I decided to see the musical Les Miserables. I have never seen, read, or heard anything that moved me so deeply. Since then, I've become addicted to great theater, and each time we go to New York City, it's a priority for us to catch a show.

" Imagination is more important than knowledge."

ALBERT EINSTEIN

One of the finest beliefs I developed years ago that helped me to enjoy all of my life experience was the idea that there are no bad experiences, that no matter what I go through in life—whether it's a challenging experience or a pleasurable one—every experience provides me something of value if I look for it. If I pull just one idea or one distinction from an experience, then it expands me.

Back when I was still in high school and scraping together money any way I could in order to attend personal development seminars, my friends were amazed that I'd go back to some of the same seminars again and again. Often they'd ask me, " Why would you go back to the same program? " Inevitably I'd tell them that I understood the power of repetition, and each time I heard something new because I was different. Plus I knew that hearing something again and again would eventually condition me to use it, that repetition truly is the mother of skill. Every time I reviewed a program, I made additional distinctions or heard ideas that impacted me differently and enabled me to create new references, and thus new interpretations, new actions, and new results in my life.

USE CONTRAST TO PUT YOUR LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE

While some references ennoble you and give you a higher vision, others show you a side of life you'd rather not experience. But these are the sorts of references that can be used to help you keep your life in balance. They provide a new level of contrast. No matter how bad you think things are in your life, it's good to remember that someone else has it worse. At my nine-day Mastery™ programs, I invariably take a portion of one day to bring in people who've been through physical or emotional hell and have come out on top—the W. Mitchells of the world, or my good friend Mique Davis, who, in his drunken youth, decided to jump off a bridge but didn't realize the water was only about two feet deep. He instantly became paralyzed from the neck down. These people begin to share from their hearts how great life is, how happy they are to be alive, how much they've been able to accomplish. Or I bring in my good friend Dax, who was trapped in a fire, had his entire body burned, and was blinded. Later, in spite of all these challenges, he became a practicing attorney.

The theme for the day is to establish a simple and profound belief: " I have no problems." In contrast with the brave individuals who share their stories, everyone else in the room knows they have no challenges whatsoever. Suddenly, the problems they're having with their spouses, their children's grades, the loss of a business, or their failure to achieve goals are immediately put into perspective.

We can also use new references to motivate ourselves if we start becoming complacent [169]. While it's true that no matter how bad things are for you, someone else is going through something worse, it's also true that no matter how well things are going for you, someone else is doing even better. Just when you think your skill has reached the highest level, you find there's someone else who's achieved even greater heights. And that's one of the beauties of life: it drives us to constantly expand and grow.

The power of having new references to raise our standards for ourselves is immense, whether it's studying the teachings of a great spiritual leader who, in spite of abuse by others, continues to give love, or seeing those who've succeeded financially and noticing what's truly possible. I'll never forget the first time I met architect and hotel magnate Chris Hemmeter. Becky and I had the privilege of being among the first people to be invited to visit Chris's new home, along with his family, in Hawaii—a $70 million residence that is beyond verbal description. The front door alone cost $1 million to create. While your rules may say, " That's an incredible waste of money, " it was also an unbelievably expanding experience of what is possible in terms of business or economic growth.

Suddenly, my $4 million Castle was put in perspective. It barely covered the cost of his front door and marble stairway! Certainly there was room in my life for thinking bigger, pushing limits, imagining the unimaginable. The best part of meeting Chris and his wife. Patsy, was discovering that they are incredibly warm people, that they use their wealth to create an environment that truly inspires them.

Using contrasting references is one of the most powerful ways, then, to change our perceptions and our feelings. If I ever start to lose perspective because I feel like I'm working too hard, I think about a man who attended one of my seminars years ago. He was a warm and gentle soul who unfortunately ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. One day shy of his forty-fifth birthday he pulled into a gas station where there were two men who had just that day been released from prison.

From their brief episode of freedom, these men had decided they weren't comfortable with life on the outside, and they hit upon a plan to get back into prison: they'd kill the very next person who drove into this gas station. It didn't matter who it was, what their age was, male or female; they'd just kill the next human being. When this man drove up and got out of his car to fill his tank, they attacked and brutally beat him to death.

Now, do you think you have problems? He left behind a wife and four small children. I was devastated by the story; I couldn't believe it. How do you come out with a positive meaning from an experience that seems to have none? I couldn't even imagine this happening to a member of my family and what it would do to me. I kept asking myself what I could do to help. I immediately called his widow and offered to help her in any way I could. My primary goal was to make sure that she was trying to find

some form of empowering meaning for herself and her children from this experience. It would have been too easy to use this as a reference to back up a belief that life is not worth living, that humankind is evil and destructive, that you can do everything right and still be mowed down like a blade of grass, so why even try?

I communicated to this woman the importance for her children's sake of somehow finding in this experience a shred of meaning to empower them at some level. When I asked her what this experience could mean, she expressed how deep her pain was, but more important, the one thing about this experience that was positive was that when the story was made known in the newspapers, an unbelievable amount of love, support, and caring poured forth. She received literally hundreds of letters and offers of support from people in the community, people from all walks of life. She said, " I realized that if I believed that people were destructive or that this meant that life was unfair, I'd destroy myself and my children.

So while it's unbelievably painful right now, I know that this must have happened for a reason. I don't have a way to back it up; it is just my faith." This woman found the courage to use faith as the ultimate reference. Her willingness to trust that there must be a reason, even if she's not aware of it, freed her from the most painful experience of her life and empowered her.

What a powerful woman! How lucky these children are! She told them, " Kids, I want you to notice all these people and how much love they are giving. People are really good. There are a few in the world who are bad, and they need to be helped, but your daddy always believed in God, and now he has gone to a better place. He had things to do while he was here, and his time was up, but our time is not up, and we have to take advantage of it while we are here. We have to use your father's death to remind us that every day we have to live life to its fullest. And we can't think about losing him, because he will always be with us."

" It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

ANT0INE DE SAINT-EXUPERY

Could it be possible that what seem like the worst days in our lives are actually the most powerful in terms of the lessons we can choose to learn from them? Think about one of the worst experiences that has ever happened to you. As you look back upon it now, can you think of any ways in which it had some kind of positive impact on your life? Maybe you were fired, or mugged, or involved in a car accident, but out of that experience you gained a new resolve, or a new awareness that caused you to grow as a person and measurably increased your ability to contribute.

I realize that some situations may be more challenging than others to find something good about, but by this point in the book, you're no longer a novice. You've been stretching your imagination and flexing your muscles of empowerment. You've learned how to manage your state and direct your focus by asking better questions. If you were abused as a child, maybe it made you a more sensitive person toward children and caused you to make the decision to break that generational chain of abuse; if you grew up in a very restrictive environment, perhaps it drove you to fight for the freedom of others; if you felt that you never were loved enough, you may now be a major giver. Or maybe just that " horrible" event caused you to make new decisions, to change the direction of your life, and therefore your destiny. Perhaps your worst days have really been your best.

You may protest, " No, Tony, there are some things in my past that have no purpose. I'll never get over them; I'll always have pain." You're absolutely right: as long as you hold on to the belief that you have been taken advantage of, or that you've lost something that can never be returned, you will indeed always have that pain. Just remember, loss is imaginary. Nothing ever disappears in the universe; it only changes form. If there is something that still wounds you, it's because of the meaning that you have linked to it. Maybe what you need to do is to have faith and say, " Even though I don't know why this has happened, I am willing to trust. Someday, when the time is right, I will understand."

Limited references create a limited life. If you want to expand your life, you must expand your references by pursuing ideas and experiences that wouldn't be a part of your life if you didn't consciously seek them out. Remember, rarely does a good idea interrupt you; you must actively seek it. Empowering ideas and experiences must be pursued.