Who are you, anyway.

What does all of this really mean? This can all seem very esoteric unless we start to actually define ourselves. So take a moment to identify who you are. Who are you? There are so many ways in which we define ourselves. We may describe ourselves as our emotions (I'm a lover, I'm peaceful, I'm intense), our professions (I'm an attorney, I'm a doctor, I'm a priest), our tides (I'm Executive Vice-President), our incomes (I'm a millionaire), our roles (I'm a mother, I'm the eldest of five girls), our behaviors (I'm a gambler), our possessions (I'm a " Beemer" owner), our metaphors (I'm king of the hill, I'm low man on the totem pole), our feedback (I'm worthless, I'm special), our spiritual beliefs (I'm Jewish), our looks (I'm beautiful, I'm ugly, I'm old), our accomplishments (I'm the 1960 Spring Valley High Homecoming Queen), our past (I'm a failure), and even what we're not (I'm not a quitter).

The identity that our friends and peers have tends to affect us as well. Take a good look at your friends. Who you believe they are is often a reflection of who you believe you are. If your friends are very loving and sensitive, there's a great chance that you see yourself in a similar vein[193]. The time frame you use to define your identity is very powerful as well. Do you look to your past, your present, or the future to define who you truly are? Years ago my present and past weren't terribly exciting, so I consciously fused[194] my identity with the vision I had of who I knew I would become. I didn't have to wait; I began to live as this man now.

It's very important, when you are answering this question, to be in the right state. You need to feel relaxed, safe, and curious. If you're just powering through this book, scanning and reading rapidly, or if you have many distractions, you're not going to get the answers you need. Take a nice, deep breath in; relax the breath out. Let your mind be curious—not fearful, not concerned, not looking for perfection or for anything in particular. Just ask yourself, " Who am I? " Write down the answer, and then ask it again. Each time you ask it, write down whatever surfaces, and keep probing deeper and deeper. Continue to ask until you find the description of yourself that you have the strongest conviction about. How do you define yourself? What is the essence of who you are? What metaphors do you use to describe yourself? What roles do you play?

Often, if you don't create this safe and curious state, all of the fears and hesitations about identity will keep giving you inadequate answers. In fact, often if you just ask this question up front of somebody, blurting out, " Who are you? " without putting them in the right state, you'll get one of two responses:

1) A blank stare. This type of question throws many people into a tailspin because they have never been called upon to seriously ponder what their answer is.

2) A surface-level answer. This is a first-attempt evasion technique. This response can be defined as the " Popeye Principle, " where a person will simply insist, " I am what I am, and that's all that I am." Often, what I find is that when you ask someone a question, especially an emotional one, they won't answer you until they've answered two questions of their own.

First they ask themselves, " Can I answer this question? " If a person's not sure who he is, often he'll say, " I don't know" or give you the first surface answer. Sometimes people are afraid to ask the question for fear of realizing that they lack clarity in this critical area of their lives. And the second question they ask themselves before answering is: " What's in it for me? If I answer this question, how will this benefit me personally? "

Let me offer you the answer to these two questions. First, you do know who you are. Yes, you can come up with the answer if you take a moment to brainstorm a bit right now. But you've got to trust yourself to let whatever answers come out of you just flow, and write them down. Second, the benefit to knowing who you are is the ability to instantaneously shape all of your behaviors. If you take the time to get in the right state, you'll come up with...

A thoughtful answer. I hope this is the kind of answer you're searching for right now!

" I think, therefore I am."

RENE DESCARTES

So take a moment right now to answer a question pondered[195] by philosophers through the ages, from Socrates to Sartre. Put yourself in that safe, curious state. Take a deep breath and release it. Ask, " Who am I? "

I AM..

To assist you in defining yourself, remember that identity is simply what distinguishes you from everyone else. Here are a couple of exercises I think you will enjoy.

1) If you were to look in the dictionary under your name, what would it say? Would three words just about cover it, or would your epic narrative consume page after page, or demand a volume of its own? Right now, write down the definition you would find if you were to look up your name in a dictionary.

MY DICTIONARY DEFINITION

Take a moment, and let your answers sink in. When you're ready, move to the next exercise.

2) If you were to create an ID card that would represent who you truly are, what would be on it—and what would you leave off? Would it include a picture or not? Would you list your vital statistics? Your physical description? Your accomplishments? Your emotions? Your beliefs? Your affiliations? Your aspirations? Your motto? Your abilities? Take a moment to describe what would be on this identity card and what would be left off in order to show someone who you really are.

MY ID CARD

Now, take a look at what you've written down, at the descriptions you have of your identity—in essence, the story of your life. How do you feel about it? I hope you're taking a moment right now to really appreciate who you are, to feel the deep emotion that comes with recognition.

If you're noticing that your identity creates pain, know that whatever you call your identity is simply what you've decided to identify with, and that in a moment you could change it all. You have the power within you right now. In fact, after looking at how identities evolve, you'll have an opportunity to expand your identity, and therefore your entire life.