Chapter twenty

Jill sat in her car for a long moment, actually nervous about seeing Carrie. She wasn't sure what to expect. She didn't know how she would react, she didn't know how Carrie would react. Would they hug? Would they kiss? Would they have lunch like normal?

Or would they make love again?

Jill closed her eyes, aware of the trembling of her body at just the thought. Is that what she wanted? To make love again? To touch Carrie? To have Carrie touch her? Was this the start of an affair... an affair with another woman? Or was it a one-time thing? A one-time lapse in judgment?

She shook her head. She didn't know what it was, not yet. But she did know it was not a one-time thing. Her body told her that. So she opened the door and got out, the rain that had lingered overnight and into the morning had dissipated, giving way to colder temperatures but clearing skies.

The low heels she'd slipped on that morning clicked loudly on the driveway as she hurried around back to the sun porch. As expected, Carrie was standing inside waiting. And as before, Jill stopped, her eyes colliding with Carrie's through the windows. Again, she didn't know what she expected, but not this rapid hammering of her heart and weak knees. Only when Carrie gave her a hesitant smile was she able to walk in, pausing to wipe her feet on the rug before going into the sunroom.

They stood there, several feet apart, both staring, both silent. Finally, Carrie tilted her head, eyebrows raised.

" Are you sorry? " she asked quietly.

Jill shook her head. " No." Then, " Are you? "

" No, not... not at all."

Jill nodded, her hands clutched together nervously in front of her. She finally asked the one question that had been haunting her all night, all morning.

" You've been with a woman before, haven't you? "

Carrie was obviously startled by the question and she drew her brows together.

" Why do you say that? "

Jill met her eyes, holding them. " Because when you touched me, it was... it was a familiar touch."

Carrie let out her breath then slowly nodded. " Yes."

Jill didn't know what to say, didn't know what to make of the sharp pain that pierced her soul. For some reason, she wanted the answer to be no.

" Come inside. Let's talk. I'll tell you about it."

Jill wasn't sure she wanted to know the details, wasn't sure she could handle it. What if it was someone like her? Someone just drifting along in her marriage, someone looking for something more in life, something more in a relationship?

" Jill? "

Jill looked up, nodded and followed Carrie into the cottage, followed her to the tiny loveseat in the sitting area. But before she could sit, Carrie took her hands, pulling her close. Jill closed her eyes, moving into the embrace, letting her arms slide around Carrie's waist, letting her body reconnect with Carrie's.

" I was afraid you weren't going to come today, " Carrie whispered into her ear.

Jill shook her head then slowly pulled away, meeting Carrie's eyes. The desire she remembered from yesterday was still there.

" Kiss me, " she murmured, closing her eyes again as Carrie's lips moved lightly, softly against her own. She moaned, all the emotion, all the excitement returning at her kiss. Her mouth opened, wanting more, but Carrie pulled away.

" We should talk, " she said, her breath coming as fast as Jill's.

Jill stepped out of her embrace, embarrassed by her desire. " Yes, okay. You're right."

Carrie walked into the kitchen, picking up the two glasses she'd filled with water earlier. She handed one to Jill, then joined her on the loveseat. Jill reached out and took her hand, letting their fingers entwine.

" Tell me."

Carrie nodded and cleared her throat. Jill was surprised at her own nervousness, her apprehension as to what Carrie would say.

" I can imagine what you're thinking, " Carrie said, smiling at the look of embarrassment on Jill's face. " But it was a long, long time ago. In college, " she said. " I had just met James, had just started dating him. We went to this party, our first party together. And there was this girl there, she was a few years older than me, a senior, " she said. " Anyway, she flirted shamelessly with me. Before the end of the night, she'd managed to steal a kiss and walk away with my phone number." Carrie met Jill's eyes, holding them. " And two nights later, I slept with her."

" But James? "

" I didn't quite know what to do with James and I certainly didn't know what to do with her. She was just so exciting, so different. But three weeks later, after being with her nearly every night, she up and left. Quit school and took a job in Los Angeles, just like that. She barely said good-bye. And I was devastated." She shrugged. " And James was still there, still wanting to date me. I convinced myself I had temporary insanity and went on to pretend the whole affair never happened."

" And James never knew? "

" No. But we weren't sleeping together. It was a long time before I could sleep with him."

" And... and no one since then? " Jill asked quietly.

" No. Honestly, the thought never even crossed my mind. Not until I met you, " Carrie said. She squeezed hard on Jill's hand then brought it up to her lips. " And once I realized what it was I felt for you, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was like I was going to die if I didn't touch you."

Jill slowly shook her head, her eyes staring at the lips that had just brushed against her palm.

" I don't... I don't know what to say."

" Tell me how you feel, Jill. Tell me if you feel guilty for what we did. I'll understand. Tell me if you don't ever want to... to make love again, " she whispered. " I'll understand that too. Just tell me. Don't let me sit here and speculate, like I've been doing since you left yesterday."

" No, no, I'm sorry. But I'm not certain how I feel. I should feel guilty, shouldn't I? But I don't. Not really." She caught her breath. " The thought of not seeing you again, not being with you again... it's not an option." She held Carrie's eyes. " Is it? "