CHAPTER TWO. Nicole rushed down the sidewalk, dodging others who obviously were not running late

Nicole rushed down the sidewalk, dodging others who obviously were not running late. Her gym bag bounced on her hip, and she tossed an " excuse me" over her shoulder as she bumped an older gentleman. Standing impatiently at the elevators, she punched the button six times, then glanced around, just daring anyone to say something smartass.

A tone sounded, the doors opened, and she pushed her way on, knowing there was no way all twelve of them could fit. But she was late. She glanced at her watch. Jesus, was she late. Catherine would kill her.

And as expected, her secretary was pacing in the lobby when she walked in.

" Do you know what time it is? " she demanded.

" How long have they been here? "

" Twenty minutes. There is no telling what they've talked about in twenty minutes."

" We're in... what? Week nine? They're fine." Nicole shoved her gym bag at Catherine and walked confidently to her door. Only quiet murmurs were heard from inside, and she nodded. Yes, they were fine. Swinging the door open, she smiled at the eight women who were waiting for her. " Did you start without me? "

" Dr. Westbrook, no, of course not, " said Patty, the group's normal spokesperson.

Nicole walked slowly to her desk, pausing before sitting down. " Sorry I'm late. I know we only have a couple of sessions left. Let's make the most of them, shall we? "

" Beth would like to go first today, " Patty announced.

Nicole nodded, her mind already beginning to wander even before Beth started speaking. She'd heard their stories a hundred times, and she wasn't sure how much more she could endure. Each group was the same. Eight to ten women, all various ages and from different backgrounds, thrown together because of a common cause. Violence. And every ten weeks or so, a new group would come, all telling their stories. And this group was not unlike the one before them or the one before that. They all came because they were victims--rape, assault, domestic violence. She'd heard it all. And she realized she was no longer shocked by what she heard. It had become nearly commonplace. And that's why she knew it was time to stop. Mentally, she couldn't take it anymore. For the last five years, she'd been conducting group sessions, eight to ten weeks long, meeting three times a week. She found the women were more apt to open up in a group.

Normally, they felt no one could possibly have it as bad as they did or no one could relate to what they've gone through. But in a group setting, they listen to other women whose stories mirror their own and most times eclipse theirs. They find support where they thought there'd be none. The group sessions had been a huge success, but they had taken their toll on her. She felt like she'd lived every rape, every beating, every tear that was ever shed.

" Dr. Westbrook? "

Nicole blinked several times, focusing on Beth. " Good, Beth. Who would like to comment? "

And so it went. One by one, they told their stories, over and over again. The anxiety that Nicole had been feeling for the last week seemed to manifest itself tenfold. She felt nearly suffocated, and she reached for her glass of water with trembling hands.

" What's wrong, Nicole? Catherine's afraid you're having a breakdown of some sort."

Nicole wanted to laugh it off, but Dr. Peterson would see through it in a heartbeat. The older woman had been her friend and mentor for more than ten years. If there was anyone she could confide in, it was Dorothy. She settled down on the couch beside her and took a deep breath. " I don't know how much longer I can continue to hear about their abuses. It makes me want to find one of their husbands and beat the shit out of him."

Dorothy laughed and reached over, squeezing Nicole's hand. " I tried to warn you. One-on-one sessions are hard enough. But groups? "

" The group sessions are the most helpful, " Nicole reminded her.

" Yes, I agree. You've done wonderful things for these women. I've no doubt they're able to ease back into society with a confidence they never could have imagined before. I'm talking about you, Nicole. You relive everything that happened to them, over and over. Ten of them at once? I can't imagine the burden you're carrying around."

Nicole rolled her head along the sofa, meeting the other woman's eyes. " Dorothy, I'm not sure I'm in the right profession."

The other woman only smiled. " We all go through that, Nicole."

" We're trained to be objective and to separate ourselves from our patients. But all I hear is their pain and their fears, and I realize there is so very little I can do for them."

" That's not true and you know it. By the time they finish with you, they are ready to head out that door and take life by the horns. You've instilled confidence in them, Nicole. Every one of them leaves here knowing that what happened to them was not their fault. And you do it in a mere ten weeks time. I have a patient that I've been seeing for over a year. She was raped by her neighbor, and I'm no closer to having her accept it than I was on the first day. You have a way with them, Nicole. Don't throw that away just because you have... burnout."

" Burnout? I think that's too mild a word for what I'm feeling. Do you know I was twenty minutes late for our session today? I was at the gym, and I knew I was late, but I just couldn't make myself... go."

" Because you were exercising and you weren't thinking about them or their problems, and it made you feel good."

" Exactly."

" Well, good for you. Most of us just turn to alcohol."

Nicole laughed. " I've tried that, too." She turned sideways on the couch, facing Dorothy. " I feel like I have this tremendous weight on me, and I can't shake it. I have two more sessions next week with this group, and Dorothy, I don't think I can do it."

" Of course you can do it. You know why? Because when you're done, you're going to take a vacation."

" Vacations are hardly stress-free. And at the end of them... it's back to work."

" I happen to know that your most favorite thing in the world is to backpack into the mountains. When's the last time you've done that? "

" I've only been able to get away once since I started the group sessions."

" Exactly. You used to tell me that the only way you could reconnect with yourself was to go out alone into the mountains."

" There's never time."

" Well make the time, Nicole. Next week, when this group is done, take the time. Go out alone, forget about all this and focus on you."

" And just like that, it'll all be better? "

" No, it won't. I'm going to recommend that you limit your group sessions to two per year. Get back to doing one-on-one. I know that family violence is your specialty, but perhaps you could broaden that. There is always marriage counseling."

" The divorce rate would soar, I'm afraid." Nicole sat up. " But Dorothy, I'm doing five group sessions a year now. Cutting back to two... that eliminates about thirty women that I could possibly be helping."

" If you don't cut back to two, you'll be eliminating fifty women, not thirty. You said so yourself, you can't keep this up."

Nicole nodded and squeezed the older woman's hand. " Thanks for coming by. I think I'll take your advice and get away. After that, I'll see how I feel." She stood. " Regardless, Catherine has already scheduled the next session."

" As a colleague and a friend, I would recommend you cancel it, Nicole. Take on a few of them for individual sessions if you must, but don't take on another ten-week group session."

" Thank you, Dorothy. I'll take that under advisement."

Dorothy let out a laugh as she stood. " I'll take that to mean I should mind my own business."

" Not at all. I appreciate your concern. And Catherine's."

" Don't be hard on her. She's just worried about you."

After Dorothy left, Catherine stuck her head in, albeit a bit hesitantly. " Are you mad at me? "

Nicole motioned for her to come in. " Of course not." Nicole pushed away from her desk and leaned back, relaxing as she stared at Catherine. " Sit down. Let's talk."

" I've just been really worried about you. I've never seen you this stressed, " Catherine said, taking a seat in one of Nicole's visitors' chairs.

" You're right. I have been stressed, and it is hardly professional to be late to an appointment. You were right to call Dorothy."

" What's going on? "

Nicole gave a forced laugh and shrugged. " Too much pain and suffering, not enough love, I guess."

" This group's been hard, I know. Two of them lost children, one..."

" I know, " Nicole said, interrupting her. " God, I know."

" Sorry. Is that what's bothering you? That you have to... absorb all that? "

" That's a good way of putting it." Nicole leaned forward, resting her elbows on her desk and closing her eyes. " Every day, every session, hearing about the horrors they faced, " she said quietly, " has taken its toll, yes. I would never admit this to Dr. Peterson, but I've been having dreams about it. And that scares me. I'm too close, and I have no outlet."

" What do you mean? "

" I'm single, I live alone. I don't even have a damn cat."

" You can talk to me, " Catherine offered.

" Thank you, but it's not the same."

" Well, I won't bring up your love life, I know that subject is off limits."

" I date. I don't have a love life."

" You date. So, at least... you know."

Nicole shook her head.

" You're not having sex? " Catherine asked loudly.

" No."

" Since when? "

Nicole looked away. God, it was so... weird to talk to Catherine about this. " Since Rachel."

" You're kidding? Nicole, that's been... what? Three years? "

" Something like that."

Catherine shook her head. " That's just not normal."

" Why thank you, Doctor Catherine. However, I'm afraid to sleep with someone. The last time I did, they moved into my home within a week and stayed a year and a half."

" You know what you need? "

" No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me."

" You need to go out... and just... have wild sex. Meaningless wild sex. And don't tell them your name, and certainly don't tell them where you live."

" And what exactly would that solve? "

" Well, it would certainly let out some of the pent-up energy I'm sure you have." Catherine leaned forward. " Just let loose for once. Let your hair down. You're always so controlled."

" I have to be."

" I know. So go out somewhere where you don't have to be. Surely you people have sleazy bars you can go to."

" I will not go to a bar, thank you."

" Well, you need to do something. My God, your dates have to be so boring."

Nicole let out a deep breath. " You probably won't think of this as letting my hair down, but Dorothy suggested I take some time off and maybe... well, get away into the mountains."

" Backpack? "

" Yes."

" But that's great. You love doing that, you should go."

" There are only two weeks between sessions, " Nicole reminded Catherine.

" I can stretch it, no problem."

" I really would like to have a break. Can we stretch it to three? "

" Of course. Only two more sessions with this group. Which ones are you going to hold over for individual meetings? "

" Sara, of course. And I think Lee Ann. I'll know for sure after next week."

" Okay." Catherine stood. " It's late. Why don't you go home? "

" I just have a few more notes to make."

" Fine. Make them. Then go home."

Nicole stared after her, a little envious that Catherine had someone to go home to. Well, maybe not envious. It wasn't all that long ago that Nicole longed to go home to an empty house. Rachel had come to stay one weekend and never left. But even at the beginning, what she'd had with Rachel was never anything close to what she imagined a relationship would be like. In reality, Rachel was the first time she'd even tried. At first, she'd been so busy with school, she didn't want the complications of seriously dating some-one. Then, when she was building her practice, she certainly never had time. Most of the dates she went out on now were discreetly set up by well-meaning friends. She felt like she'd been out with every eligible doctor and lawyer in the city. Unfortunately, second dates usually meant sex and so far, she'd been able to resist. None of them stirred her libido, and she just didn't see the point in faking it.

She twirled around in her chair, staring out the eighth floor window at the lights of downtown Denver. Now... now that she was settled in her practice, now that she was well respected in her profession... now, she felt the emptiness in her life. But after Rachel, God, she swore she'd never do that again. No. If she were to meet someone now, someone that she was attracted to enough to consider a second date, she would never live with them. In fact, she wondered how anyone found the courage to take that step.

The professional part of her knew that it was simply the dreadful experience with Rachel that deterred her. Well, that and the constant horror stories she heard about failed relationships turned violent.

She took a deep breath, forcing herself back to her desk and away from the lights of downtown. A vacation? She smiled. Yeah. One more week, then she'd get away. And reconnect, as Dorothy had said.