Глава 18. I stand off to the side with Eric and a couple of Dauntless leaders while Lauren explains the workings of the fear landscape to the anxious group of

I stand off to the side with Eric and a couple of Dauntless leaders while Lauren explains the workings of the fear landscape to the anxious group of initiates. I haven't had a chance to observe the Dauntless-born during stage one, but I know without watching that even their worst fighter can probably beat the best transfer fighter. However, the differences in their abilities will undoubtedly diminish greatly in the fear landscape.

In between simulations, I steal quiet glances at Tris. Not once do I find her looking back, but I suppose that is a good thing. It's best not to draw too much attention to ourselves with so many people present.

When it is Tris's turn, I watch Lauren inject the simulation serum into Tris's neck thinking all the while about how it should be me who's brushing her hair back and easing the syringe into her skin – it has always been me. I half-heartedly shake the thought out of my head. It's crazy that I doubt Lauren's ability to safely inject simulation serum, and even crazier that I'm getting jealous over such a small and ridiculous gesture.

Tris steps into the fear landscape, her face shining with pure determination. She knows as well as I do that what the others found difficult and tasking, she will breeze through with ease. Although I can't see the simulation, I watch the scene take place around her through the changes in her movements and facial expressions. Her composure twists to shock and panic, which grows to pure terror. Her mouth opens and lets out a horrible, grating shriek. The sound raises goosebumps along my arms. I've never seen her lose her wits so swiftly and unexpectedly; I've never seen her fail before.

" Stop, " I instruct, and the dimmed lights in the fear landscape return to their usual brightness. Tris crouches in a heap on the floor, shaking and unnerved even as I make my way toward her and pull her back on her feet.

All I really want to do is wrap her in my arms and guide her through this fear like she did for me last night, but I can't be that person – not here, not now. I am Four, the instructor, and he would never coddle initiates when they fail so senselessly.

" What the hell was that, Stiff? " I snap.

" I…" she hiccups. " I didn't – "

I know it will hurt her, and already, I can feel reluctance creeping in at the edges, but I push the words out of my mouth anyway because I know it's necessary. " Get yourself together! This is pathetic."

The hurt expression she's been wearing slips away and is replaced by rage and fire. I've seen her like this before – during her one on one with Molly. The bitter resentment in her eyes sends shivers down my spine. I don't think she even knows how much she is controlled by her emotions. Before I know it, the hard ridges of her knuckles slam into my face, and I stand gaping, utterly taken aback by her willingness to hurt me at the expense of a few words.

" Shut up, " she says, her voice dripping with bitter malice. She forcefully yanks her arm out of my grip and takes off, just like that, a blur of pale shadows disappearing into the hallway.

My feet shuffle half a hesitant step in her direction before I remember that I can't allow my emotions to get the better of me in front of everybody. Hurt feelings can always be repaired with a few gentle words; however, a bad ranking at the result of my impulsiveness and carelessness will earn her a ticket out of Dauntless forever, and I will never be able to forgive myself if that were to happen. In the end, I swallow my guilt and the creeping sense that I just lost something I never truly had, and turn my back on the door that Tris just stormed out of.

" Let's get on with this."

X X X

I storm out of the room after the remaining initiates have had a turn, desperate to seek shelter from Lauren's questioning stares. If I am cornered by her, I am bound to be bombarded by questions that I don't want to answer.

Tris is nowhere to be seen. I search in every crevice and every room, buzzing about like a fly without its head. Twice, I barge into Tori's tattoo parlour asking if she's seen her only to be told that I've been here already and that the answer is still no. By mid-afternoon, I am quiet, aloof, and defeated by the thought that looking for one girl amidst a sea of Dauntless is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I walk determinedly with no real destination in mind – just another habit to entertain my mind.

My feet carry me up to the glass building that rests on top of the compound, toward the fear landscape. I don't know whether I'm here because this is the place that birthed the solid grip of the relationship – however fleeting – between Tris and I, or because this is the place where I both insulted and belittled her, two things that I swore I would never do, that I swear to never do again.

Harsh words drift through the metal door at the end of the hallway, breaking the thick silence that lingered in the unoccupied hallway. Callous phrases said by an unkind voice, drabbles of a conversation that certainly isn't meant to be been overheard. Words like forced to reconsider your rank and attached to your previous faction and little Abnegation girl. It doesn't take much to deduce that the voice belongs to Eric, and that the person being lectured is Tris. I have found her, my little runaway, through a purely unexpected and benign coincidence.

I burst through the door, much to Eric's surprise and Tris's relief. " What are you doing? " I ask.

" Leave the room, " he says forcefully, even though he should know by now that the power he holds over me never has and never will sway my actions and disposition.

" No, " I say firmly. " She's just a foolish girl. There's no need to drag her here and interrogate her."

" Just a foolish girl." Eric snorts. " If she were just a foolish girl, she wouldn't be ranked first, now would she? "

He knows there is much more to Tris than the harmless girl I make her out to be. His logic and perceptiveness are honed to perfection from his previous life as an Erudite, and it would be foolish and dangerous to debate about the issues of Tris's true capabilities. I pinch the bridge of my nose the way I always do when I am trying to convey a plainly simple concept to a frustrating individual. To my utter relief, Tris seems to recall the advice that I've given her recently. Show some vulnerability.

" I…I was just embarrassed and didn't know what to do." Tris says quietly as her eyes drop to the floor in mock embarrassment. When she looks up again, the gleaming tears in her eyes catch me off guard and I silently praise her for being such a remarkable actress. " I tried to…and…"

" You tried to what? " Eric asks in a brusque manner.

" Kiss me, " I interject. " And I rejected her, and she went running off like a five year old. There's really nothing to blame her for but stupidity."

Eric looks from Tris to me, and then lets out a series of hollow, barking laughs that sound like a chorus of the tortured cries of an animal. I flinch in pure irritation. " Isn't he a little too old for you, Tris? " he says.

Tris shies away from his unwavering eyes and pretends to wipe a tear off her cheek. " Can I go now? " she mumbles.

" Fine, " he says, " but you are not allowed to leave the compound without supervision again, you hear me? "

He turns to me and points a crooked finger. " And you…had better make sure none of the transfers leave this compound again. And that none of the others try to kiss you."

I roll my eyes indignantly. " Fine."

Tris quietly walks outside, but Eric is still scrutinizing the both of us, so I follow her with my eyes instead of my feet. I want to wait for Eric to leave before I join Tris, so I make a show of fixing the buttons on my shirt and wiping my hands on my pants. However, after a few moments of uncomfortable silence, it is clear he is not going to budge.

" What? " I ask.

He narrows his eyes at me. " Don't play me for a fool, Four. What she is to you, I can guess as much, so don't think I'm going to just let this little incident slip out of my head."

I scoff. " Don't tell me you're intimidated by a little Abnegation girl, " I joke, though the lightheartedness of my words doesn't extend past my throat, and my spine is as rigid as ice. Eric's words ring out in my head repeatedly until they resemble nothing more than a jumble of meaningless noises. What she is to you, I can guess as much.

How? I have been so cautious, yet Eric is still able to see through the pretense of mine and Tris's neutral initiate-instructor relationship.

" You wish, " he says. " Whatever. Just control your initiates before they get themselves into deeper trouble."

Eric reaches for the door and pauses momentarily with his hand hovering above the doorknob like he has more to say, but after a few seconds of silence, he retreats into the compound without a backward glance. As soon as he disappears down the hallway, I open the door that leads outside.

When Tris sees me walking towards her, she shoots up and crosses her arms defiantly, as if she is readying herself for a scolding.

" What? " she says.

" Are you all right? " I frown at a little red scratch on her cheek that wasn't there this morning and gently run my fingers over it, but she swats my hand away. It's such a minute act of annoyance, yet it makes my chest squeeze tightly in discontentment all the same. Last night, my touch would have been welcomed.

" Well, " she snaps. " first I got reamed out in front of everyone, and then I had to chat with the woman who's trying to destroy my old faction, and then Eric almost tossed my friends out of Dauntless, so yeah, it's shaping up to be a pretty great day, Four. " She says 'Four' like it's an insult. Standing here before her, I can feel my patience wilting away. It is no more fun for me to endure her anger every time she misinterprets my intentions than it is for her to be at the receiving end of my harsh words.

" Why do you care, anyway? " she says. " You can be either cruel instructor or concerned boyfriend." " You can't play both parts at the same time."

" I am not cruel." I scowl at her. " I was protecting you this morning. How do you think Peter and his idiot friends would have reacted if they discovered that you and I were…You would never win. They would always call your ranking a result of my favoritism rather than your skill."

She opens her mouth like she's about to say something, but after a few moments of silence, she decides against it and fidgets with her hands instead. I want her to say something – anything. I want to hear her voice, to know what she is thinking right now, but she retreats silently with a faraway look in her eyes. " You didn't have to insult me to prove something to them, " she says finally.

" And you didn't have to run off to your brother just because I hurt you, " I say. " Besides—it worked, didn't it? "

" At my expense." She points out.

" I didn't think it would affect you this way." I confess. " Sometimes I forget that I can hurt you. That you are capable of being hurt." She exerts strength in such an extraordinary way that sometimes I forget she is not an indestructible slab of concrete, that she bleeds, and she feels, and she is just an ordinary sixteen year old girl.

And then, she does what every sixteen year old girl would do in a rare moment of understanding and reconciliation with the boy she fancies. She rises on her tiptoes and lightly presses her lips to mine.

" You're brilliant, you know that? " she shakes her head sheepishly. " You always know exactly what to do."

" Only because I've been thinking about this for a long time, " I say, and kiss her again briefly. " How I would handle it, if you and I…did I hear you call me your boyfriend, Tris? " My lips quirk up in a lopsided grin.

" Not exactly." She shrugs. " Why? Do you want me to? "

I tuck my hand under her chin and tilt her head back so our foreheads are pressed together. She smells of soap and the chasm and something that is solely Tris. There is years worth of familiarity in her scent, her closeness, even though we have only spent a few moments alone pressed together like this. Her breathing is steady, like the rhythmic pulse of the ocean, vast and unconquerable.

And mine.

" Yes, " I say finally. I dwell on this moment for a few seconds and then reluctantly let it slip away. " You think we convinced him you're just a silly girl? "

" I hope so, " she says. " Sometimes it helps to be small. I'm not sure I convinced the Erudite, though."

The mention of Erudite sparks a distant memory. War plans, Abnegation, Dauntless puppets. " There's something I need to tell you." I say grimly.

" What is it? "

" Not now." I glance around once to make sure we're clear of eavesdroppers before saying quietly, " meet me back here at eleven thirty. Don't tell anyone where you're going."

She nods once to acknowledge my words, and I look at her one last time before walking through the door that I came from thinking how twice in one day, we have walked away from each other wordlessly. The only difference is I'm not the one standing alone this time.

X X X

I shrink into my jacket as I step outside into the cool night air. My breath leaves me in white, curling wisps that rise momentarily before dissipating like ash scattered in the wind. In the distance, the lights of the city flicker out one by one to signal bedtime – all except the ones of the Erudite compound, which remain bright and unwavering in the thick, blanketing night.

When Tris joins me, I grapple for her hand in the dark and lead her silently toward the train tracks just as the thundering chugs of the approaching train rounds the bend. I lift myself into one of the empty cars and pull Tris in with me effortlessly as if she were as weightless as a feather.

" What is it you need to tell me? " she shouts over the whistling wind.

" Not yet, " I say. The moments that we can truly call our own are so few and fleeting that I shove every thought I have to the back of my mind to focus on the only person that matters right now: Tris.

I slid to the floor, pulling Tris down with me so we're seated on the cold metal face to face. The pale moonlight casts an iridescent glow on her features, her eyes startling pools of melted silver that reflect my flushed expression like little round mirrors. The wind takes hold of her hair and twirls the strands around her face in a glowing, golden frame. Part of me wants to remain motionless all night without disturbing the perfect image before me and just simply observe, but another part of me, the dominant part, acts on the desire to do more than just look. I pull her into me and press my lips to hers, softly at first, and then with an intensity that increases with the diminishing distance between ourselves.

The train lurches and I feel Tris lose her balance briefly. Her hands come down on my hip, to steady herself perhaps, but they remain there even after she has regained her balance. At first, I feel the smallest sliver of discomfort wedging into my nerves; I have never been touched there, and certainly not by someone who naturally heightens my nerves. But then Tris swings a leg over so she's straddling me, and naturally, all traces of discomfort dissolve and is replaced with a boiling excitement that threatens to overturn my blood. As our lips meet, my fingers explore her body – her shoulders, her spine, the small of her back. When I stumble upon the cold metal zipper of her jacket, my fingers give a gentle tug that loosens the fabric cage enough to expose the three splashes of ink on Tris's collarbone.

" Birds, " I gently run my hand across her tattoos. " Are they crows? I keep forgetting to ask."

" Ravens. One for each member of my family, " she says. " You like them? "

Her answer isn't sultry, like it would be had it been any other girl. The smile she gives me is so genuine and real that I am left grappling for words that do not come. Instead, I show her my answer by touching my lips to her collarbones three times – one for each of the three ravens.

As the train lurches on, I feel a shift in my surroundings. The brisk air is infused with something instinctively industrial, and the brightness has been kicked up a couple of notches despite the utter blackness that envelopes the rest of the city. " I hate to say this, " I say, " but we have to get up now."

I guide her to the door of the train car and point to the cluster of illuminated buildings that is the Erudite headquarters. " Apparently the city ordinances don't mean anything to them, because their lights will be on all night." I say.

" No one else has noticed? " she frowns.

" I'm sure they have, but they haven't done anything to stop it. It may be because they don't want to cause a problem over something so small." I shrug silently. " But it made me wonder what the Erudite are doing that requires night light."

I peel my eyes away from the city and turn to face Tris. " Two things you should know about me. The first is that I am deeply suspicious of people in general. It is my nature to expect the worst of them. And the second is that I am unexpectedly good with computers. A few weeks ago, before training started, I was at work and I found a way into the Dauntless secure files. Apparently we are not as skilled as the Erudite are at security, and what I discovered was what looked like war plans. Thinly veiled commands, supply lists, maps. Things like that. And those files were sent by Erudite."

" War? " she says apprehensively. Little creases appear between her eyebrows the way they always do when she appears to be thinking. " War on Abnegation? "

I take her hand in mine as a silent offer of comfort and strength. " The faction that controls the government. Yes." I say. It is much more different to think these theories than to actually say them out loud. To share them is to confirm the inevitable that I so didn't want to believe. A leaden feeling fills the pits of my stomach.

" All those reports are supposed to stir up dissension against Abnegation, " I continue. " Evidently the Erudite now want to speed up the process. I have no idea what to do about it…or what could even be done."

" But why would Erudite team up with Dauntless? " she says. I don't have a chance to answer her question before I she turns to me, wide-eyed and perturbed. " They're going to use us."

" I wonder, " I say, " how they plan to get us to fight."

How do you make puppets out of people who are capable of slitting the strings?

" I don't know, " she says, and those are the last word we say of the impending issue that hangs over our heads like a heavy, gray raincloud.

I wonder when the rain will come.