Глава 20. I heard a rumor that you only had seven obstacles to face, I say

" I heard a rumor that you only had seven obstacles to face, " I say. " Practically unheard of."

" You…" she says hesitantly." You weren't watching the simulation? "

She seems nervous even though we are out of the fear landscape, and I don't know whether or not I should be worried.

" Only on the screens. The Dauntless leaders are the only ones who see the whole thing, " I explain. " They seemed impressed."

" Well, seven fears isn't as impressive as four, " she says, " but it will suffice."

" I would be surprised if you weren't ranked first, " I say confidently.

As we enter the glass room, we are met with a crowd of Dauntless who have gathered to watch the fear landscapes. Although the crowd is much thinner than it has been, I still have to maneuver my way carefully around the people, accidentally bumping a few shoulders here and there as I guide Tris through the sea of black.

Tris doesn't say anything until we reach the steps that descend to the Pit – the chatter in the glass room would have drowned her voice out any way – but I can tell by the troubled look on her face that something is on her mind.

" I have a question." She chews on her lip nervously. " How much did they tell you about my fear landscape? "

" Nothing, really. Why? "

" No reason."

I try to act nonchalant even though her elusive remarks are really starting to make me nervous. What is she hiding from me? Should I be worried?

" Do you have to go back to the dormitory? " I ask, trying to keep my voice casual and steady. " Because if you want peace and quiet, you can stay with me until the banquet."

She hesitates for a moment, and I'm almost afraid that she is going to reject my offer. " What is it? " I ask.

Tris doesn't answer my question. Instead, with a renewed air of confidence, she says, " Let's go."

She takes my hand and pulls me down the stairs with a fierce determination. Although I'm not sure as to whether she is afraid I will change my mind or she will change hers.

X X X

I hold the door open and let Tris slip in ahead of me. My feet follow after her hesitantly, and even though I am standing in the room that has been my own for two years, Tris's presence makes the space seem alien and unnerving. I shut the door behind us and kick off my shoes, not completely sure of what I should do or say next. The last time she was here, she was unconscious half the time, which saved me from a lot of awkward conversation, but this time, she is awake and alert. " Want some water? " I offer.

" No thanks, " she says hastily, holding out her hands like two feeble shields blocking the space between her body and mine. She is acting more jumpy than usual even though the thrill of initiation should have worn off by now. It doesn't take a fool to figure out that something is wrong.

" You okay? " I ask, carefully brushing a finger along her cheek, hoping her tension will melt away with my touch. My fingers slip into her hair, and when I lower my lips to hers, the kiss is soft and full of wanting, like the few kisses that we have shared in the past. My hands instinctively find her jacket, and my heart thumps out a sporadic rhythm as it slips off her shoulders with the barest of a touch. The moment doesn't last though because as soon as Tris's jacket drops to the floor with a muffled thump, I feel her hands on my chest shoving me away, her eyes wide and alert as if she couldn't believe what just happened.

Silence envelopes the room. It creeps and slithers into every corner or the walls until I can hear nothing except for the erratic pounding of my heart, which is now beating wildly and passionately for a completely different reason. " What? What's wrong? " I ask earnestly, but she shakes her head and doesn't offer any further explanation to her strange behaviour, which only sets me on edge even more because whatever happened, she doesn't trust me enough to confide in me.

" Don't tell me it's nothing." I say. The words come out harsh and cold even though I'm trying to keep my frustration in line. " Hey. Look at me."

Slowly, she raises her eyes to meet mine. Whatever expression I had been expecting from her, surprise wasn't one of them. And I wonder why, for some utterly absurd reason, she would feel surprised in this situation when she's the one who unexpectedly pushed me away.

" Sometimes I wonder, " she says slowly, deliberately drawing out each word, " what's in it for you. This…whatever it is."

" What's in it for me, " I repeat, as if saying it again will somehow force the words to change their meaning. " You're an idiot, Tris."

" I am not an idiot, " she retorts. " Which is why I know that it's a little weird that, of all the girls you could have chosen, you chose me. So if you're just looking for…um, you know… that …"

" What? Sex? " I say, astounded at the fact that Tris would think my being in this relationship has any ulterior motives other than the simple fact that I honestly and truly like her. " You know, if that was all I wanted, you probably wouldn't be the first person I would go to." I say bitterly; however, as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I recognize my poor choice of words and instantly regret saying them at all. Tris turns away quickly, but I still manage to catch the painful expression blossoming across her face. Somewhere deep within me, a stinging, unfathomable ache spreads through my bones. I guess that's what happens when you become so utterly devoted to someone – when they are hurt, you share their pain. You become more vulnerable, more sensitive. Your chance for happiness doubles, but so does your chance for sorrow. It is only fair, I suppose.

" I'm going to leave now, " she mumbles after a few moments.

As she turns to leave, I reach out for her wrist and pull her back. " No, Tris." I plead. I refuse to lose hope so swiftly and completely. She shoves me away forcefully, so I grab her other wrist, not daring to let her out of my grip. I refuse to let any more people step out of my life. The Dauntless fight for what they believe in, for what they deserve – so I will fight for Tris.

" I'm sorry I said that, " I say gently. " What I meant was that you aren't like that. Which I knew when I met you."

" You were an obstacle in my fear landscape. Did you know that? " Her confession nearly brings her to the point of tears, and I can't say I feel any less distressed.

" What? " I stutter out. I release her wrists immediately as if her skin is searing to the touch. A spectacular array of emotions flash through my mind: shock, disbelief, disappointment, exasperation. They twist and twirl together until there is nothing left but an indistinguishable gray mess. Whatever I had been expecting, it definitely wasn't that. It's as if I'm Alice, falling to the heart of the rabbit-hole, fingers frenetically writhing around the nothingness of air. Another heartbeat passes and time freezes, and I'm gazing at Tris through the tear in the grass from miles below. Tris with her porcelain skin and audacious attitude, who has been hot-fired and molded to withstand even the toughest pressure, who is seemingly fearless – but she is afraid of me.

What did I do wrong?

Where did I go wrong?

" You're afraid of me? " I say cautiously, afraid that the sound of my voice will nestle into an unseen crack in her body and shatter her.

" Not you, " she says. " Being with you…with anyone. I've never been involved with someone before, and…you're older, and I don't know what your expectations are, and – "

" Tris, " I interject. " I don't know what delusion you're operating under, but this is all new to me, too."

" Delusion? You mean you haven't…" she stammers while I shuffle my feet awkwardly. " Oh. Oh. I just assumed…Um. You know."

As she slowly stutters her way to an understanding, I feel my cheeks growing hotter and hotter, hoping with a fierce sincerity that she wouldn't notice. " Well, you assumed wrong." I turn away for a moment to let the fire inside me to sputter out, and then I cup her face in my hands and look her earnestly in the eyes. " You can tell me anything, you know. I am kinder than I seemed in training. I promise."

The hint of a smile colours her face, and something inside me unravels like a frayed, worn sweater. I hadn't realized I had been holding my breath until I feel the relief of air leaving, collapsing my lungs and filling them up again.

I plant a kiss between her eyebrows, on the tip of her nose, and then, slowly and warily, on her mouth. The hesitation and guardedness I expected wasn't there at all. Instead, our lips meet, fiercely and passionately, locking us in an inescapable embrace. My hands slip past her neck, tracing her collarbones and coming to a rest on her shoulders. My fingers glide over a ridge, and I pull back to see a white bandage covering one of her shoulders.

" Are you hurt? " I ask.

" No. It's another tattoo, " she explains. " It's healed, I just…wanted to keep it covered up."

" Can I see? "

She nods and slips her shirt over her shoulder. I peel back the bandage to reveal a black ring encircling two hands locked in a gentle grip – helping hands. It's the symbol of Abnegation. We're more alike than we even know. " I have the same one, " I say with a laugh. " On my back."

" Really? Can I see it? "

I press the bandage back over her tattoo and pull her shirt over her shoulder. " Are you asking me to undress, Tris? " I tease.

A small nervous laugh escapes her, and I find it bizarre that the prospect of me undressing would make her nervous. After all, I am the one put under scrutinization, the one stuck in the harsh glow of the spotlight. " Only…partially." She says, almost to my dismay.

I nod hesitantly. If Tris allows me to look at her, then I should do the same. I unzip my sweater and toss it onto my chair. All the while, Tris stares at me with a burning intensity that makes me overtly self-conscious. I peel off the layers of my clothes – like a banana or an orange, as absurd as it is to compare myself to fruits. You have to peel away the layers before you find the heart of the matter, the core that is protected by the outer skin. As I pull my t-shirt over my head, I understand why that outer shell exists – to counteract the vulnerability that exists inside. Baring myself like this to Tris, I feel more exposed than ever. I realize, in this moment, how much it will hurt to be pricked and prodded, not just by objects but also words, or maybe a brief, poorly-hidden look of disgust. But Tris doesn't show that. Instead, she gazes at my body with a look that I can only describe to be wonderment, which makes me so uncomfortable that I have to look away.

" What is it? " she asks.

" I don't invite many people to look at me, " I admit. " Any people, actually."

" I can't imagine why, " she says softly. " I mean, look at you."

She walks around me in a slow circle, pausing when she is behind me to examine my ink spotted skin. From time to time, I'd catch a brief glimpse of my tattoos in my bathroom mirror – the Dauntless flames at the very top, Abnegation below it, followed by the symbols of the remaining factions. Even now, the swirling patterns of ink look foreign on my skin, like they're ill suited for my body. Most of the Dauntless tattoo themselves in visible places – arms, hands, legs – and they wear their ink with pride. As do I, but in a quieter manner. I wonder what Tris thinks of them.

" I think we've made a mistake, " I explain quietly. " We've all started to put down the virtues of the other factions in the process of bolstering our own. I don't want to do that. I want to be brave, and selfless, and smart, and kind, and honest." I pause for a moment and clear my throat. " I continually struggle with kindness."

" No one's perfect, " she says, her voice low and hushed. If it weren't for the already silent room, I'm not sure I would have heard her. " It doesn't work that way. One bad thing goes away, and another bad thing replaces it."

She gently brushes her fingers over my back before saying, " We have to warn them, you know. Soon." I don't have to ask to know she is talking about Abnegation.

" I know, " I say. " We will."

I turn around to face her, wanting desperately to wrap her in my arms, but at the same time, I don't want to push her too far. " Is this scaring you, Tris? "

" No, " she stammers. " Not really. I'm only…afraid of what I want."

" What do you want? " I ask. Only in her uneasy silence do I realize the answer. " Me? "

She nods slowly and hesitantly, as if she's scared of how I will react. Maybe she needs to stop seeing me as Four, the instructor, and think of me instead as Tobias, the boy. The boy who is every bit as confused and elated and terrified as she is. Maybe she needs to realize that underneath my clothes lies a human being who is breakable, who is capable of feeling pain and joy and sorrow. I need to show her that she doesn't need to be scared of me, that I am vulnerable in every way that she is. I take her hands and guide her palms to my stomach, slowly moving them over my abdomen, my chest, and coming to a stop at my neck where I hold her palms again my skin, savouring the chill of her skin against the heat that is threatening to burn me alive.

" Someday, " I say. " If you still want me, we can…" I pause and clear my throat, not sure how I would go about completing the sentence. " We can…"

Tris smiles and wraps her arms around myself. I let my words hang in the air and snake my arms around her like it's the most natural thing in the world. The feel of her body against my bare skin – it doesn't feel strange and foreign. She feels like an extension of my body, like a missing piece that has been lost for many years before finally finding its way back to me.

" Are you afraid of me, too, Tobias? " she teases.

" Terrified, " I say with a smile.

She plants a soft kiss on the hollow beneath my throat. " Maybe you won't be in my fear landscape anymore, " she says quietly, her voice renewed with a hopeful vigour.

I lower my head and kiss her slowly. " Then everyone can call you Six."

" Four and Six, " she muses.

We kiss again, and instead of the heat and passionate desire that is usually present, I feel a gentle familiarity, like coming home after a long journey. There is an air of reassurance that now exists between us, and it puts me at ease knowing she will not disappear anytime soon. Maybe when all of this chaos is over, I can find a way to carve a home here – a real home. With Tris.