Time runs wild

“He loves me.”

“Your dreamy-eyed school boy.”

“In ways that you can’t.”

“In ways that I won’t.”

Chapter 1

“How do you know Ethan, anyway? ” Gus asked from the back seat in a voice that sounded eerily like Lindsay when she was pissed.

“It’s Mr. Gold, ” I said through gritted teeth.

Justin shot me a nervous glance and I pretended not to notice.

“ He said we could call him by his first name, ” Gus shot back.

I gave him a look that promised a slow and painful death in the rearview mirror. He ignored it. He usually did.

“Well?! ” Gus asked, leaning forward in his seat and frowning at the back of Justin’s head.

Justin sighed and looked over his shoulder at Gus. “Put your seatbelt on.”

“Tell me how you know him! ”

Casting one more nervous look my way, Justin cleared his throat and spoke. “We used to… go out. A long time ago.”

Well, that wasn’t exactly the whole story, was it?

Gus frowned a little. “Oh.”

I took the turn into the parking lot fast, and Gus slid across the back seat and bumped his head on the door.

“OW! Hey! ”

“I told you you should wear your seatbelt, ” Justin mumbled.

He was avoiding looking at me. He knew exactly what kind of mood I was in, and it wasn’t good. Before we’d left he’d actually offered to take Gus himself, but I wasn’t having any of it. First off, I’d promised Lindsay to do the good father thing and be involved in Gus’ education, whatever that meant. Secondly, I wasn’t going to give Justin a moment alone with the fiddler if I could help it.

Not that I thought anything would happen. Because it wouldn’t. Justin loved me. We were married. He didn’t want the fiddler. Why would he? I was hotter, smarter, and better in bed than him by far. And the few things that asshole had given him, I did now. Or at least I tried.

But there was still this nervous, anxious part of me, deep down that knew… if Justin was ever going to leave me for anyone, it would be him.

We went into the school building and walked down the hall. Fuck, I hated going into schools. College wasn’t so bad, but high school… well, there were more than a few bad memories associated with that…some of them from my school days, and some from Justin’s.

That’s why I insisted Gus go to this expensive private school in ml: namespace prefix = st1 /> West Virginia. It was closer to home, it had a great reputation, it wasn’t a religious school, and most importantly it was as different as it could be from the places Justin and I had gone.

Still… there were memories.

“Brian? ”

“What?! ”

“What’s that? ”

“A bomb.”

“What?! ”

“Well, what the fuck does it look like?! ”

“Why do you have a fucking bomb?! ”

“To blow up the school. Why else? ”

We were going to the music department first. I wanted to get this over with, and Gus wanted to show off how hot his teacher was. Fuck. The fact that Justin had liked him was bad enough, but my own son?!

The music room was huge, and there was a crowd of teenage girls and their mothers gathered in the corner, surrounding someone with black hair.

Fuck.

“There he is! ” Gus whispered loudly.

FUCK.

The black-haired man stepped through the crowd of women, smiling charmingly at them. “Sorry, ladies, I have more parents to meet. I’ll see you on Monday.”

The girls all made disappointed noises, their mothers included, and left the room, leaving us alone.

He turned to face us and the look of shock on his face would have been hilarious if I wasn’t so fucking angry.

Standing in front of me wasn’t the greasy, awkward, school-boy I’d known and despised so long ago. No, he’d grown up. He’d matured. He’d gotten… fuck. He’d gotten hot.

He was still short, compared to me at least, and thin, but he’d gotten a little more muscle tone. His skin was slightly darker, like he actually bothered getting a tan now, and his hair was a little long, wavy, but it looked freshly washed and not like he was using half a bottle of product anymore.

This was NOT good.

“Justin? ” the fiddler asked, and walked to us, a look of amused surprise on his face.

Justin smiled and shrugged stiffly. “Yeah.”

“These are my parents, ” Gus said, sounding bored.

The fiddler looked confused for just a moment, and glanced at me, then smiled widely and pulled Justin into a hug. And Justin hugged him back.

Gus’ eyes were huge and his face was pink and I could FEEL the anger radiating off of him.

I just stood there, rooted to the spot, my expression carefully calm, but anger churned in my gut.

When they pulled apart, Justin was slightly flushed, but smiling.

“So, you’re his parents? ” Ethan asked, looking at Gus.

“He’s my real dad, ” Gus said, jerking his thumb at me.

Justin winced. That was harsh. But I couldn’t bring myself to care.

Ethan nodded, smiling. “I should have seen the resemblance.” He gave me a look, sizing me up, and almost held out his hand for me to shake – but then didn’t. He must have realized that there was no way I would shake his hand. “So the two of you are still together.” He hesitated before continuing. “That’s good.”

Justin beamed at him.

I repressed a scowl.

Gus stepped between Justin and the fiddler and smiled charmingly at him. “I’m trying to convince them to let me take violin! ”

I rolled my eyes and the fiddler gave me an amused look. Fucking asshole. He knew exactly why I wouldn’t be exactly receptive to that idea, and it amused him.

“Well, you should really try a few instruments before you pick one, ” he told Gus. “I’m teaching most of the string instruments, ” he said. “With hands like yours, you might do well taking guitar.”

I felt my shoulders relax slightly. Even if he was going to take lessons with the fiddler, at least I wouldn’t have to hear that horrible noise every day when he practiced.

Gus frowned a little, considering. “Maybe, ” he said.

“I think that would be a better choice, ” the fiddler said, and gave me another amused look.

Asshole.

He turned to Justin and smiled. “Gus is doing well in his general music classes, though. He has talent. Although sometimes he’s a little disruptive.”

“Well, that’s because sometimes your class is boring, ” Gus said cheerfully.

“Sorry, ” Justin said. “It’s not my influence.”

The fiddler chuckled charmingly and I wanted to strangle the life out of him.

“Say, would you like to have dinner? I’d love to catch up, ” the fiddler said, reaching out and touching Justin’s arm.

Bastard!

Justin beamed at him. “Sure! I’d love to hear about your fabulous adventures in Europe.”

The fiddler gave Justin a smug look, and I had the urge to kick the back of his legs HARD so he’d fall on his face and break his nose.

“Well, I spent a few years there, but I came home. It’s a long story.”

“How about tonight, then? ” Justin asked.

“Sure, ” the fiddler said. “Do you know Mario’s? ”

Mario’s?! The most expensive fucking Italian place in West Virginia?! The place I always took Justin when I was taking him on a not-date?! Asshole!

“Of course, ” Justin said. “How about six o’clock? ”

The fiddler nodded, and then turned to Gus, who was fuming. “And I’ll see you on Monday.”

Gus forced a smile, and then stomped out of the room. I shot Justin a look, and followed him. Dinner?! Just the two of them?! Romance? Wine? Fucking candles?

As I followed Gus to meet his next teacher, Justin trailing behind us, I wondered just how much money it would really take to cover up a murder.

It was ONE stupid mistake. Look how many times you forgave Brian!
I NEVER forgave Brian. I never had to. Cause he never promised me anything. You did.

Chapter 2

So maybe that was a bad idea.

I had Brian pissed at me. I had Gus pissed at me. And the ride back from Gus’s school was like Chinese water torture.

No one said a word. Gus I’m assuming because he was jealous and angry that I was having dinner with ‘the man of his dreams’. And Brian because he was jealous and angry because he thought I was having dinner with ‘the man of MY dreams’.

Either way maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.

The minute I walked into Mario’s, I wanted to turn right around and go back home. This restaurant was romantic and intimate. Just like Ethan always was.

The hostess ushered me to the table and as soon as Ethan saw me he flashed that toothy smile I had known so well 12 years ago. A smile, for a long time, I thought would be the smile I would see forever.

“Hey! ” Ethan kissed my cheek quickly and pulled my chair out for me. Guess some things never change.

“Hey. You look great.” And he did. Dressed in a tailored black suit jacket and pants, a purple shirt underneath with no tie. Perfect musician attire.

“I was going to tell you the same thing. Wow. You still don’t look a day over 21.” He flashed the smile at me again and I felt myself blush. Fuck.

“Brian says the same thing.” I folded my napkin over my knees and looked down at the table.

“Well, he did like you young.”

“Ethan…”

“Okay, Okay. I’m sorry. No bad remarks about Brian. Dually noted.” He made a zipping gesture across his lips and I smiled at him.

“Thanks.”

“So, ” He began. “Married. With children. Who would have thought? ”

“I know.” I took a small sip of my water and finally looked into his eyes. Okay, bad idea.

“How long you been married? ” Ethan asked.

“Not long. About 6 months.”

“Really? But…” He looked confused.

I let out a small sigh and began. “I spent 10 years in New York. I did pretty well out there. Had my own gallery. I liked it but…”

“But this was your home.” He finished.

“Yeah. I missed it. I missed my family.” I smiled. “I missed Brian.”

“I guess some things are just meant to be.” His eyes darkened with sadness.

“They are.” I told him matter of factly.

He looked into my eyes and bit the inside of his mouth. That was a new quirk. I’d never seen that one before.

“So tell me about you.” I said trying to lighten the subject.

“Well, I spent about 3 years in Boston doing the symphony there. Then I spent about 5 in Europe until I decided to come home. Tried to get a job at PIFA for old times sake but their staff was full so I sent out my resume to a few private schools and here I am.”

“Wow. So a teacher huh? Never would have suspected.”

“I like it. Makes me feel useful I guess.” He shrugged and there was the vulnerability I knew all too well.

“So you live in West Virginia? ”

“Yeah bought a house with my enormous wealth.” He snorted.

I nodded.

“You? ”

“Yeah, Brian and I have a house. Gus lives with us. He was living with his mothers in Canada but…it’s a long story.”

“I looked for you when I came back.” He blurted out.

“I…what? ” I asked.

“Just wanted to see if you were still…around. I figured you might have been cause of Brian but…the couple of people I ran into said you weren’t.”

“People? Like who? ”

“Well I went to the diner and saw um…” He scratched his head. “Elliot? ”

“Emmett? ”

“Yeah! Him. He said you didn’t live in Pittsburgh anymore. That’s all he’d say.”

Thank you Emmett.

“Ethan…”

“I’m sorry for what happened. You know, between us. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“I know. But Ethan, we were kids. I mean I was 19 for Christ sakes. Who knew if that would have lasted even if you hadn’t of cheated.”

He shook his head and fumbled with his silverware.

“That’s why I did it.”

“Huh? ”

“That’s why I cheated. I knew it wouldn’t last. I figured, what does it matter? He’ll go back to him eventually anyway.”

Oh.

My.

God.

“I trusted you. I CHOSE you Ethan.”

“No, you came with me that night to prove a point. That you could walk away. But I never really had you Justin. We both know that. And seeing you, now, with him still. Married, with a kid, and a house. I know I did the right thing. He’s the one you were meant to be with. Not me. It hurts, because I thought about you for a long time. I probably always will.”

I reached across the table and held his hand. His fingers intertwined with mine and he looked up at me, his eyes wet.

“Ethan, I loved you. I did. I cared so much about you. But…”

“I know. I know. You don’t have to explain.”

“I'm IN love Brian.”

“I know that too.”

We sat like that for a long time, holding hands. We talked about the past, the present. The future. He said he was seeing someone. Another teacher at the school. He didn’t know where it would go, but it was a start.

I told him all about New York and Brian and Gus. He said he could see parts of me in Gus. That made my heart skip a beat.

When dinner was over, he walked me to my car and hugged me tightly. He told me how happy he was for me, and if I ever needed anything, or ever wanted to just hang out, he’d be there. I told him the same.

I drove back home, a feeling of sadness but fullness in my heart.

There were times I still thought about Ethan over the last 12 years. If I had made the right decision just leaving the way I did. Wondering if I should have forgave him. But he had done it not to hurt me. But to set me free.

I opened the door to my home and hung my jacket next to the door. I turned to find Gus standing at the bottom of the stairs, arms folded.

“Well??? ” He demanded.

“Well what? ”

“What happened? ”

“We ate. That’s normally what people do in restaurants.”

“Don’t give me that crap DAD.”

“Gus.” I touched his shoulder and looked in his eyes. “Don’t worry. He’s all yours.”

“Yeah? ” His eyes sparkled and he followed me up the stairs. “Did he say that? Did he mention me? What did he say? DAD??? ”

I closed the door in his face as I walked into the bedroom. I found Brian sitting upright in bed, glasses on, reading over some paperwork, the 10 o’clock news on.

“Hey.” I said gently, removing my shirt.

“Mmm.” He murmurs.

“What’s that? ” I asked pointing the paper work in his hands.

“New account.” He grumbled.

Great. He was still pissed.

I got dressed in my comfy flannel pajama pants and an old paint stained t-shirt and climbed into bed and tried to focus on the news. He was tense next to me. I could feel it. He finally set down the paper work onto the bedside table and removed his glasses. I shut the TV off and he flicked the light off.

The room was silent for a while.

“So what happened? ” He finally asked.

“We fucked on the table. It was hot.”

I heard him growl in the darkness. Okay so maybe that wasn’t funny.

“Nothing Brian. We had dinner and talked. That’s it.”

He remained silent.

I rolled onto my side and threw one arm around him. I pressed my nose into his shoulder.

“He said the reason he cheated was because he knew eventually I’d leave him for you anyway.”

Brian rolled his head and looked at me.

“Well it’s true.” He told me.

“I know.” I whispered.

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me, his tongue sliding next to mine gently.

“I told him I loved you. I only wanted you. I always have.” He groaned and pinned me down onto the bed. His hands ran up my sides and he sucked on the patch of skin right underneath my ear.

“You know…we haven’t…yet…” He whispered against my ear.

I moaned softly and wrapped my legs around his waist.

“Please…” I whimpered. “I’m yours.”

“Mine.” He growled.

He undressed me slowly, savoring the sight of my pale skin against the sheets like he always does. But this time as he was about to be inside me he didn’t reach for a condom.

If there was one thing that would prove to Brian just how much I was his, it was that.

Inside me.

Raw.

“You stupid little twat, never let anyone fuck you without a condom.”
”You're not just anyone."

Chapter 3

My Sunshine likes romance. My Sunshine likes flowers, and words whispered softly in his ear, and holding hands, and kisses on his cheek. I’ve done my best since he came back to accommodate that. I’ve done my best to remember to show him little signs of affection, to not hold back, to let him know how I feel. It’s not easy. It’s not something that comes naturally. It’s not something I do every day. But I try to, for him.

So I was ready. I had firewood stacked next to the fireplace. I had a bottle of red wine that was about a hundred years old ready to be poured, and French silk sheets on the bed. I had candles. I did my research. Fire and alcohol and highly flammable fabrics equal romance. Don’t ask me why. It seemed like if we weren’t careful, we could easily burn the house down. But if my Sunshine wanted a fire hazard, he’d get one. Just don’t ask me to understand why that’s romantic.

We were supposed to do it the other night. We were ready. Gus was going to be out, and I had the sheets on the bed, and all I could think about was what we were about to do. Then sonnyboy brought up the fiddler, and all thoughts of fucking Justin raw were gone.

Surprisingly, Sunshine was understanding. I expected him to queen out or get angry that our evening plans of fire and fucking had been ruined, but he wasn’t. He seemed to understand. He didn’t even bring it up.

Then we saw him, and I knew all bets were off. After everything we’d been through, if there was one person who could lure Justin away from me, it was him. I was worried. I knew I should trust him, but I was worried. The fiddler understood things like flammable romantic gestures. He wouldn’t have to TRY to be romantic. He’d just do it.

When Sunshine got home, I made sure to look like I was working. I had paperwork out, I had the news on, and I had my damned reading glasses that I’ve started to need more and more on. But I wasn’t reading. I wasn’t doing anything. I was just sitting there, waiting.

Would he come back looking pink, his lips swollen, all freshly fucked and glowing? Would he come back with that look in his eye that meant he wanted to leave? Would he come back smelling like someone else?

Then he told me how it went. He told me they talked, and the fiddler gave him some bullshit excuse about cheating on him. He told me nothing happened. And then he told me he only wanted me.

I was on top of him before I could think twice about it. I kissed him, and tasted him, and he said he was mine. I asked him. He said yes. He wanted it. He was giving up the fire and the candles and the alcohol. At least I’d put the sheets on just in case, but the rest of the romance was gone. Gus was probably downstairs, watching TV. It wasn’t the picture-perfect romance novel setup that he’d wanted.

But now that it was about to happen, he didn’t want those things. He didn’t want superficial romantic gestures. He just wanted me. And somehow, ironically, that made me understand it. I understood why he’d want this to be romantic. I understood, because in that moment, I felt that overwhelming surge of emotion that I’d tried to ignore for so many years, that Justin made me feel all too often. I felt in love. I felt head-over-heels in love. Because as much as my Sunshine likes candles and flowers and hand-holding, in the end, he’d rather just have me.

And suddenly, romantic gestures didn’t seem so difficult. Suddenly, I wanted to take him slowly. I wanted to kiss every inch of his body. I wanted to make him moan and sigh and whimper and turn ten shades of pink before I took him over the edge. I wanted to savor him. I wanted to make his entire body hum. I wanted to make love to him, though I’d never say it like that out loud. I wasn’t just thinking about how tight, and hot, and wet, and amazing he was going to feel around me anymore. I was thinking about him. I was only thinking about him.

I kissed him, slow and hot, and he tasted incredible. His lips were warm and swollen, and when I brushed my tongue against his it was soft and tasted better than anything I could possibly imagine… except for other parts of his body. He whimpered against my lips and I slid a hand into his hair and he clung to me like he was afraid he’d drown, and I was all that was holding him up.

I knew how that felt.

When I broke the kiss and looked into his eyes, they were a deep blue, and they were glassy, and I just hoped he didn’t start to cry, because I wouldn’t be able to handle that. I started kissing his neck, just below his jaw, and kissed all the way down his throat, over his Adam’s apple, down to his chest, and he shuddered. He shuddered and tightened his arms around me, and I licked him. My tongue ran down the center of his chest slowly, and then to the left to find a nipple. I circled it with my tongue and another shudder ran through his body.

“Brian, ” he whimpered, and my cock twitched so hard it was startling. I hadn’t realized how aroused I was. I hadn’t realized that my cock was throbbing, and leaking pre-come on the silk sheets.

I licked over to his right nipple and sucked on it gently, and he arched his back and moaned softly. Then I lifted my head and stared down at him. His lips were parted and red, and he was panting. His entire body was already flushed.

Fuck. We weren’t going to last long, if I didn’t do something about it.

I shifted downwards and wrapped my hand around the base of his cock and he jerked his hips.

“Brian! I… I’ll-“ he started to say, but I shook my head. If I didn’t get us both off once before I pushed into him, we wouldn’t get more than a few seconds before we came. That wasn’t going to happen if I had anything to do with it. I wanted to savor him. I wanted to feel him, really feel him, and enjoy it.

So I ducked my head and wrapped my lips around his leaking cock, and started to suck. I don’t give blowjobs that often, not to completion. They’re a good way to get him aroused, but usually I’d rather have him come with me inside him. But right now, I wanted to taste him. I wanted to lick every inch of his cock, and suck him dry.

It only took a minute before he was coming, his fingers tight in my hair, his back arched, and his hot come pouring into my mouth and he was moaning my name.

I swallowed and licked and sucked him clean, and he was still hard. He was still throbbing. When I looked up, he was panting and writhing, and his entire body was a shade of pink so dark I hadn’t seen him like that in years.

I reached down and touched my own cock, and it twitched hard. I had to come, too. I had to make it last. I started to stroke myself, but he swatted my hand away and grabbed my cock, aiming it at his stomach and chest, and began to stroke.

I wanted to look down at his pale, pink hand stroking my hard cock. Watching him jerk me off was always hot as hell. But I couldn’t rip my gaze from his face. I couldn’t look away from his eyes. Then he lifted his gaze to mine, and that was all it took. I moaned deep in my chest and came hard onto his body. He licked his lips and brought his hand to his mouth, and began licking it clean.

My entire body trembled. Somehow coming hadn’t given me the control I wanted. Instead, it was just a promise of things to come. His gaze never left mine as he licked my come from his hand, and then reached down to smear it across his stomach and chest. He was marked now, on the outside. Now it was time to mark him on the inside.

I finally tore my gaze away from his face, and looked down at his body. Christ, I wanted him. I wanted him now. I couldn’t think anymore. I couldn’t do anything, except spread his legs and reach for the lube.

Then he grabbed my wrist and shook his head.

Fuck. He didn’t want lube? I must have looked confused, because he opened his mouth and whispered, “I don’t need it. I don’t… I only want you.”

And that was it. That was all I could stand. All thoughts of licking and kissing the rest of his body, of burying my tongue in his ass, of hours of foreplay were gone. There was time for that later. Right now, every ounce of self control I had was gone. I had to have him. I had to claim him.

My hands were trembling as I lifted his legs over my shoulders. I stared down at his ass, and spread it, and his hole was red and twitched a few times. I knew I should look into his eyes, but I couldn’t. I had to see it. I had to watch it.

I pressed the tip of my cock against his hole, like I’d done a handful of times in the past few months, wishing that I could thrust in. We’d talked about it over and over on our honeymoon. I’d spread my pre-come over his ass so many times, while he moaned

and told me how much he wanted it, how he couldn’t wait, how he wanted to fill him up.

But now that it was about to happen, he was silent. I was silent. There wasn’t a sound in the room.

Then I pushed in.

I watched as the tip of my cock disappeared in his ass, and he clenched down around it, and dug his fingernails into my shoulders, and shuddered, and he let out a moan that was hungry and needy and helpless.

I froze, and sucked in a deep breath. I watched as his hole clamped down over and over around me. And I felt it.

Heat. So much heat. And the texture… fuck. He was soft, and I could feel the rings of muscle, and every detail. And he was tight… so fucking tight. I could feel it all.

I felt a shudder go down my spine as he clamped down again, and then he said it.

“More, ” he gasped, and that was the end of all conscious thought.

I thrust into him the rest of the way, until I was completely buried inside him, and he clawed at me, and his legs tightened around my shoulders, and I lifted my gaze to his face, and we stared into each other’s eyes.

Then there was just heat, and friction, and the sound of his gasps and mewls and the smell of sex and sweat. Each thrust was slow, and purposeful. I don’t know how long we fucked. It might have been hours. It was probably only a couple of minutes.

His eyes were dark, almost black, and I thought fleetingly of the first time I was inside him, and how he’d been then, and how I’d felt that first time, and how I’d tried to ignore it. I saw the seventeen year old boy who followed me home, and the beautiful, strong man he’d become at the same time. And I felt it. I felt a connection to him, like a magnet, like every time I pulled out, thrusting in was impossible to resist.

And then it happened.

I came.

I was blinded with white light, and the shudder that went through my body was so intense I couldn’t breathe. And then I shot into him. And I felt it. I felt his ass clamp down so tight around me it almost hurt, and I felt my hot, thick come coat him, and pour into him, and then I felt him shudder.

He moaned my name so loudly it was practically a scream, and he grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked, and I didn’t even feel the pain. I just froze, buried completely within him, feeling the heat inside of him spread, and watched as his come shot across his chest and hit his face.

There was a moment, then, where neither of us were breathing, or moving, or saying a word. We were suspended, just for a moment, and stared into each other’s eyes, and the feeling of being this connected was almost too much.

Then I inhaled, breathing in the hot, thick, hormone-filled air of the room loudly, and he did the same.

His body trembled as I lowered his legs, and his hands slid down my arms.

“Brian, ” he whispered.

“Justin, ” I echoed back. I couldn’t think of what to say. I couldn’t think at all.

I looked down slowly pulled out of him. I don’t know what I expected to see, but it wasn’t this. My cock was slick with come, and barely softening, and red. And then I was completely out, and I spread his legs, and he tensed, and a drop of come dripped out of him, and ran down his ass.

And I was gone again. I heard someone growl, distantly, and it must have been me. I grabbed his hips and rolled him onto his stomach and spread his ass, and ran a fingertip over his bright red hole.

More come leaked out of him, and my entire body hummed with need.

“Brian-“ he gasped, and spread his legs further, arching his back.

I didn’t think. I couldn’t. I just spread him, and started to lick. I ran my tongue from just behind his balls, up to his swollen, sensitive hole, and licked my come away. He shuddered and mewled and clawed at the sheets, and I heard them rip, and I didn’t care.

It was the most incredible thing I’d ever tasted. It was me. It was him. It was pure lust. I licked, and sucked and thrust my tongue into him. I had to hold his hips with a white-knuckle grip to keep him still, because I wasn’t going to let him go, not until I had every drop of it, not until I’d tasted everything he had.

When he was whimpering and shuddering, and the rip in the sheets had extended halfway down the bed, I lifted my head and licked my lips. He was staring at me over his shoulder and he shuddered visibly.

“Brian, ” he gasped. “Please… again…”

I was inside him before he could brace himself, and this time there was no slow, savoring of sensations. This time it was hot, and fast, and rough, and moans, and screams and clawing, and scratching, and biting, and thrusting in, in, in, in…

I came quickly. I moaned so loudly it hurt my throat, and filled him up again with my come, and he shuddered and shot onto the sheets, arching his back so far it was a wonder he didn’t break his spine.

We froze like that, trembling, drenched in sweat, and then I was done.

Without pulling out, I wrapped my arms around him, and rolled onto my side, spooning him. Tonight I didn’t have to pull out. Tonight I didn’t have to throw a condom out, worrying about diseases and hurting him.

Tonight I was going to stay inside him all night.

I yanked the covers over us, and he pressed back against me completely. I buried my face in his hair, wet and sticky with sweat, and inhaled.

He didn’t say anything. I don’t think he could. He was gone. And in the reflection of the dark window across from us, I could just see his face. He was crying. It was only a little, but he still was.

My chest tightened, and I brushed my fingers over his face, and he inhaled a shuddering breath. I tightened my arms around him, and he clamped down around my cock again, and I nuzzled my face into the back of his head.

“I love you, ” I said, and my throat was so raw, and I was so tired, it sounded just like it had the first time I said it. And like the first time, I didn’t say it because I had to. I didn’t say it because it would make him happy, or make him stay. I said it because it was true.

Mom, this is Justin. Justin, this is...my mother.

Chapter 4

I felt the warm sunlight hit my face and his arm protectively around my waist. I smiled and pressed my back closer to him. He stirred, nuzzling his nose into my back and sighed happily. The feelings that were coursing through my body were indescribable. Some of them felt like happiness but that word couldn’t even compare to fluttering of my heart and stomach. Some of them could be described as love, but I know now that after 15 years whatever it was Brian and I had together went beyond love. Beyond anything that this earth could handle.

As warm as it was in bed with him and as beautiful as it was with the sun shining into our bedroom, I needed to get up. I needed to wash myself of the dried come that was all over my aching body. I needed to make him breakfast. I needed to give him everything. But nothing I could do or say today or for the rest of my life could make up for what he did for me last night. What I waited 15 years for.

I gently got out of bed, brushing his hair from his face and kissing his forehead softly. Fuck he was so beautiful I could cry.

I showered quickly and padded downstairs in just my sweatpants. I found Gus sitting at the table, eating cereal.

“Good Morning.” I said cheerfully. He turned his head and raised an eyebrow at me. No doubt he was a Kinney.

“Good Morning to you.” He smirked at me and I smacked his head playfully as I walked by him.

“I’m going to make breakfast. You sure you just want to eat cereal? ” I asked him as I turned on the coffee maker.

“Well I waited forever for you or Dad to get up.” He slowly smiled again. “But I guess you two are pretty tired considering….”

“Considering what? ” I leaned against the counter and pursed my lips together.

“Considering you up all night fucking. Don’t think I didn’t hear you. I heard you all the way DOWNSTAIRS. With the TV ON. LOUD. Was he trying to murder you or what? ” He shook his head and shoved more captain crunch into his mouth.

I blushed 19 shades of red and ignored him.

I was half way through making an omelet when Brian walked lazily into the kitchen, scratching his bare stomach and yawning. Our eyes met from across the room and my stomach did flip-flops. His eyes glazed over with what could only be described as love and I smiled brightly at him. He made his way over to me and wrapped his strong arms around my waist from behind. He leaned in, brushing his lips against my cheek.

“Morning Sunshine.” He purred. I closed my eyes for a second and took in his scent, and his warmth.

“Mmm. Good morning it is.” I purred back to him.

“You guys are gross. Stop it.” Gus’s voice shook me from my moment. I glared at him and went back to my omelet.

“Mmm…smells good.” Brian said into my ear. But I knew he didn’t mean the eggs. I heard a groan from the kitchen table and chuckled.

“We’re making your son nauseous.” I told him.

“Our son.” He murmured and walked to the kitchen table and plopped down. “Morning Sonnyboy.”

Gus groaned again. “You guys are ridiculous.”

Brian grinned and opened the business section of the paper.

“What are your plans today? ” Brian asked his son.

“Getting as far away from this house as possible. I know what you two do on Saturday’s. I don’t need another recap of last nights events.” Gus shuddered and brought his bowl to the sink. He peered over my shoulder. 16 and taller than me. Like I said, definitely a Kinney.

“Extra Bacon? ” He asked.

I smiled at him. “Yeah. Sure.” I handed him the plate.

“Nice.” He sat back down at the table and browsed the comics.

I watched with joy as my…wow son, and my…Jesus, husband sat at the kitchen table going about their morning routine. I realized in that moment, that I had truly arrived. That this was what I had waited my entire life for. This feeling of utter happiness.

I brought Brian his omelet and bacon and leaned down and kissed him forcefully. His tongue swiped across my lower lip and a low growl escaped my throat. “Later.” I whispered against his mouth. He slapped my ass and picked up his fork.

The phone rang and it made me jump a little.

“It’s probably Daphne.” I said aloud.

“Checking up on how things went with Paganini Jr. I suppose.” I heard Brian say but when I turned to look at him he was grinning. There was no more need for jealousy. Not after last night.

I answered the phone, a grin from ear to ear. “Kinney-Taylor house of pleasure. How may I service you? ” I hear Brian laugh and Gus groan behind me.

“That had better NOT be one of my friends.” Gus grumbled.

“Um, Yes. I’m looking for Brian? ” A females voice came over the line.

“Um..” I eyed Brian. “Can I ask who’s calling? ”

“Claire. His sister.”

“Oh. Um. Hold on.” I pressed the receiver to my chest. “Brian? Its…Claire.”

“Claire who? ” He asked not looking up from the paper.

“Brian. You damn well Claire who. Here.” I extended the phone out.

He shook his head. “Not today Sunshine.”

I knew what he meant. He didn’t want anything to ruin today. The way he felt. The fact that he was happy for once with nothing brining him down.

“He’s not available. Can I take a message or…? ”

“Alright listen. I know he’s there. Fine he doesn’t want to talk to me well then you can tell him yourself. His mother died.” I heard a click of the receiver and the nasty voice was gone.

I stood there, frozen, the receiver to my ear for who knows how long.

“Justin? ” I heard Brian call.

I hung up the phone and turned to look at him.

“What did the cunt have to say? ” He asked with a smirk.

I walked to him slowly and sat down next to him. He raised an eyebrow at me. “Well? ”

“Um, maybe we should talk upstairs.” My heart was beating a mile a minute. I had no idea how to fucking present this. How to fucking say it.

“Just tell me. She pregnant again? Getting divorced or married again? ” He popped his last piece of bacon in his mouth.

“She died Brian.” I told him, my voice low.

“WHO DIED? ” Gus yelled.

Brian raised his eyes and I got the look I expected. It was blank. His eyes were blank. His expression was blank. His movements. Everything. He knew what I meant.

“WELL? ” Gus grabbed my shoulder.

“You’re grandmother.” I told him.

“Grandma Peterson??? ” His eyes immediately widen.

“No. My mother.” Brian said to him, his voice monotone.

“Oh. Drag.” Gus said in a non-caring voice and got up from the table.

“GUS! ” I yelled.

“Justin, don’t. He didn’t know her. Why the fuck should he care? ” Brian touched my hand.

“It doesn’t matter. You’re his father. I mean….Your mother died.”

He shrugged and picked his plate up from the table and walked to the sink.

“Brian…do you wanna…? ” I’m not even sure what I was asking him. Did he want to talk? Call someone? Go out? Fuck? Shit, at that point I would have done anything.

He walked past me and when I tried to touch his arm he jerked from my grasp. I heard his footsteps across the hardwood floors and moments later his office door slammed. It made Gus and I both jump and Gus gave me a pained look.

“What is he going to do? ” Gus asked me.

I looked blankly at the doorway of the kitchen and sighed heavily.

I knew exactly what he was going to do.

First he was going to pour himself a glass of beam.

Second, he was going to call Michael.

My mother was a frigid bitch. My father was an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling or unable to form a committed long-term relationship of my own.

Chapter 5

Copyrights get bought and sold all the time, especially in the comic world. Sometimes when that happens, titles change, and characters get altered. But no matter how many times a title changes hands, and how many times that little company logo in the corner of the cover might change, a few basic things will always remain the same. The original team of writers are always there in spirit.

Batman might get darker, and more violent. He might have created the Joker in one continuity, and in another he just met him later on. He might be a ninja in one movie, and a paunchy white guy in another, but a few things will always remain the same. No matter what else they change, no matter what writers may take on the Batman title in the future, he’ll always wear a cowl and fight criminals. And he’ll always be The Bat Man.

That’s sort of what had happened, I realized as I stood at the front door to Brian’s mansion and rung the doorbell. Justin Taylor was the publisher that owned the copyright to the Brian Kinney Operating Manual, but when it came to the origin story, Michael Novotny still held the creative license. No one knew that part of the story better than me.

The door swung open, and Justin stared back at me. His too-blue eyes shifted from my face, to the giant pizza box I was holding, and back to my face again before he sighed and stepped aside to let me in. “He’s in his office, ” he said.

I felt like an intruder. I came inside and tried to smile at Justin as if nothing was wrong. “Hey, you want some? There’s plenty here! ” I held the pizza box out to him, but he shook his head.

“You should go talk to him. He needs you, ” he said. His eyes weren’t cold like they used to be when Brian needed me, but they weren’t happy either. If anything, Justin just looked… disappointed.

“Look, um…” I said, trying to think of some way to make this okay. “He just… doesn’t like you seeing him all…”

“I know, ” Justin said.

“I’m just the only one he doesn’t mind seeing him depressed, ” I said quickly.

Justin’s eyes narrowed and I realized how that had sounded. Shit. Me and my big mouth. “I mean, not that he doesn’t want to talk to you! ” I grinned nervously and shrugged. “I mean, probably he just doesn’t want to bother you, or-“

“ Michael, ” Justin snapped.

I tensed and shut up. Shit.

“It’s fine. Just… go talk to him.”

Realizing I had absolutely no chance of fixing the situation, I just nodded and went to Brian’s office as quickly as I could. I like Justin. I like Justin a lot. He and Brian are happy. Fuck, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Brian happier. But… I think he gets jealous of me sometimes. Brian’s not very good at opening up to people, obviously, so I doubt he’s told Justin very much about his past. I figured I should talk to him a little about that if I could… but I also knew I might not get a chance today. This wasn’t going to be easy.

I didn’t knock on the door to his office. I just went in, and shut the door behind myself, smiling widely. “Pizza delivery for Mr. Kinney! ”

Brian was sitting on the futon sofa that Justin had recently insisted Brian put in his office, so he’d spend less time sitting on the floor, and he was drinking a glass of Beam. I wondered how many other glasses he’d drunk already. “Mikey, ” he said. “What the fuck is that? ”

“It’s pizza. Weren’t you listening? ” I plopped down next to him, and opened the box, revealing a huge supreme pizza with every greasy topping you can imagine. The only time Brian will eat truly unhealthy food is when he’s either really depressed, or when he’s too happy to care. Unfortunately, this was for the first reason.

Brian grabbed a slice and took a big bite, and then sighed heavily. “Claire actually expects me to be involved.”

I grabbed a slice too, and chewed on it for a minute before replying. Timing was everything in situations like this. “She probably doesn’t have time to plan a funeral very quickly by herself.”

Brian just nodded and ate the rest of his slice. Fuck. This was bad. There wasn’t even any music playing, and he wasn’t talking.

“Did you know she was sick? ” I asked as softly as I could manage. I knew asking him something like that was a risk, and it might just piss him off, but it was important to know.

He shook his head, and I felt relieved. At least he wasn’t biting my head off yet. I watched him eat his slice and I ate mine, and I thought back to the first time I ever met Mrs. Kinney. That was one of the weirdest moments of my life up until then. I’d never seen a parent act like that to their kid. I hadn’t known adults like that existed. I guess I was pretty sheltered.

“I just need to get my skateboard. Then we can go to your house, ” Brian said, walking quickly to his room.

Michael followed him, glancing around eagerly. “We could hang out here! ” Brian’s house was so neat, and tidy, and so much different from his own.

“No, ” Brian snapped. “We can’t. Come on.” He shoved Michael into his room and shut the door behind himself, going to his closet to find his skateboard.

Michael stared around the room with wide eyes. It was so… neat. His own room was always a wreck, with comics everywhere, and action figures all over the place, and cookie crumbs in the bed. Brian’s room was neat. Brian’s room was tidy, even. And the bed was even made! Who makes their bed?! Michael didn’t think anyone did.

“Fuck, it’s not here. Fuck, ” Brian muttered. He pushed Michael aside and dropped to his knees, looking under the bed.

Michael walked to Brian’s dresser and ran his finger over the top of it. There wasn’t any dust. He frowned and looked back around the room. There were only a couple of posters on the walls, and a few comics (ones that Michael had loaned him) stacked neatly next to the bed. There were no toys lying around.

“Where are all your toys? ” Michael asked.

Brian jerked his head back from under the bed, pulling his skateboard out with him. “What? ”

“You don’t have any toys. Or stuff.” Michael frowned, glancing around more, as if he’d suddenly notice them in the small room, hiding in some corner he hadn’t examined properly.

“Why the fuck would I have toys? ” Brian asked.

“Because…” Michael faltered, then shrugged. “I have toys.”

“We’re in fucking high school. We don’t need toys.” Brian stood and ran a hand through his hair. “We should go.”

Michael felt himself pout. He liked his toys. Just because he was growing up didn’t mean he couldn’t like his toys! They were important to him.

Brian opened the door and led Michael back out into the hall and quickly walked to the front door. Michael trailed after him, looking around more. As he looked around this time, he began to notice that as nice as it was that the house was clean and neat and didn’t have creepy ceramic figures everywhere and all the furniture matched… it was sort of… cold.

“Brian! ” a woman’s voice called from the kitchen.

Brian stopped abruptly and Michael ran into his back, grunting. “WHAT? ” he shouted back.

“Come here! ” it shouted again.

“Is that your mom? ” Michael asked eagerly. He loved moms. His own mom was crazy, but she was great, too. And all of the friends he’d ever had had mothers who loved him.

“Yeah, ” Brian grunted, and he turned to walk to the kitchen.

When Michael followed him into it, he found a woman leaning against the counter, a glass of wine in her hand. She looked old, older than his own mom, but Michael wasn’t sure if that was because she really was, or if she was jut one of those people who looked that way.

“What the fuck is it? ” Brian snapped.

Michael gaped at him. If he’d talked to his own mother that way, he would have gotten slapped across the face and grounded.

Mrs. Kinney just stared at him with an icy-cold look, and then looked at Michael. “Who’s this? ”

“Oh, um, hi Mrs. Kinney! ” Michael smiled and stuck out his hand for her to shake it. “I’m Michael Novotny. I have class with Brian.”

Mrs. Kinney stared at Michael, and then at his hand, and then shook it with a loose grip, sneering as if he was dirty.

Michael jerked his hand back when she was done. Her hand had been freezing cold.

“You know you’re not supposed to have boys over, ” Mrs. Kinney said.

Brian flinched and nodded. “We’re going.”

“Your father will be home soon, ” Mrs. Kinney said.

“I know! I said we’re going! ” Brian said back.

Mrs. Kinney looked at Michael and her eyes narrowed. Then she looked back at Brian and shook her head slowly. “If your father meets him he’ll be very angry.”

Brian’s entire body seemed to tense up, and he glanced at Michael.

Michael frowned at him, confused. Why would Brian’s dad not like him?

“Why can’t you just make friends with a nice girl? ” Brian’s mother asked, sighing and swirling her wine in her glass. “If you did, maybe your father-“

“It’s none of your goddamn business! ” Brian shouted at her, his right hand gripping his skateboard so tightly that his knuckles were white.

Mrs. Kinney straightened up and her eyes narrowed, and suddenly Michael was very, very intimidated. “Do not take the lord’s name in vain.”

“FUCK you, and FUCK the lord! ” Brian shouted.

Mrs. Kinney sneered at him. “For that, I suppose I’ll have to tell your father about your little… friend.

Brian’s eyes widened and his face paled, and then he grabbed Michael’s arm so hard Michael winced. “Come on, ” he mumbled.

Brian dragged Michael out of the house as fast as he could, and slammed the door behind them. They walked quickly down the street towards the bus stop, and Brian was silent the entire time. Michael wanted to ask him what had just happened, and why his father would be so angry about Michael, but he had a sneaking suspicion that he knew why. He also had a feeling that all of this somehow explained the weird bruises that Brian showed up to school with all the time. Yeah, it explained all too much.

“She wasn’t really my mother, ” Brian muttered, grabbing another slice of pizza.

I blinked a few times, jarred out of my memories, and grabbed another slice. “What? ”

“Debbie was more of a mother to me than she ever was, ” Brian said, staring across the room at nothing.

I felt my eyes sting with new tears and I forced myself to grin. “Yeah..” I missed Ma. I missed her so much that every day I still cried about it. Ben is great and understanding and supportive, of course, but… still. Ma was Ma, my best friend besides Brian, and my entire family all at once. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get used to not having her around.

“I shouldn’t even be upset, ” Brian muttered, taking a swig of beam.

“Sure you should, ” I said softly, bumping my shoulder against Brian’s gently. “She was your mom.”

Brian shrugged stiffly.

“Even if she was a bitch, ” I said, grinning a little.

Brian shook his head, but when he glanced at me, he was grinning. “Remember when she caught us reading Captain Astro in my room? ”

I felt myself smile. “Yeah, and she gave us those rosaries and told us to pray for our sins to be forgiven! ”

Brian let out a short laugh. “We had to explain that comics weren’t gay porn.”

“And she took one look at them and said ‘In God’s eyes they’re the same, ’” I said, pitching his voice up to imitate her.

Brian laughed silently, his shoulders shaking with it. “Fuck. What a bitch.”

“Well, no one can tell me Captain Astro wasn’t gay. Even your mom thought so! ” I said happily, beaming at him.

Brian ruffled my hair and grabbed the bottle of beam, pouring himself another shot. “You’re so pathetic.”

I couldn’t stop smiling. I felt sad, of course. It was his MOM that had just died. And he’d never had any kind of resolution with her. Fuck, I don’t even know if they’d talked in years. Brian doesn’t tell me that kind of stuff anymore. Sometimes I miss it, and sometimes I’m just relieved. Justin can have that responsibility now.

Justin. Hm.

“You should talk to him, ” I said, bracing myself for a full Brian queen-out.

Instead, he just looked back at his glass of Beam and then drank it down quickly. “What for? ”

“Well, so he doesn’t hate me for knowing stuff about you that he doesn’t, for starters.” I grabbed another slice of pizza.

Brian sat his glass down on the floor and got up to get a box out of his desk. He sat back down heavily next to me and opened it, pulling out a baggy of weed and some rolling papers.

I watched him roll a joint while I talked. “He wants to know.”

“He doesn’t need to, ” Brian muttered. He wasn’t looking me in the eye, but he wasn’t yelling either.

“Of course he needs to, ” I said. I put my hand on Brian’s shoulder, trying to get him to look at me. He didn’t. “How is he ever going to feel really close to you if you hide stuff from him? ”

Brian’s lips quirked up in a funny sort of way, and the tips of his ears turned red like they always did when he was excited about something, or embarrassed.

“What is it? ” I asked, scooting closer to him, so our legs were pressed together. “What? ” He wasn’t telling me something now.

“If he doesn’t feel close to me after last night, he never will, ” Brian muttered softly, still not looking up.

I blinked at him a few times. What the fuck was he talking about?

Brian finally lifted his gaze to meet mine, pulling a lighter out of his pocket.

And then I knew. Fuck. “Oh, ” I heard myself say.

He winced slightly, the kind of wince that only I – and maybe Justin – would have noticed. “Mikey-“ he started to say.

“No, that’s great, ” I said quickly. And it was. It was great. It was totally fucking great.

A look of guilt was in Brian’s eyes as he handed me the joint and lighter. He hadn’t meant to tell me. Why not? Why shouldn’t he? It was great. It was beyond great. It was wonderful. I was happy for him. Why wouldn’t I be?

I lit the joint and inhaled deeply, shutting my eyes.

So why did I feel so fucking jealous? Because Ben and I could never…

I handed the joint to Brian, and exhaled, coughing loudly a few times. Brian patted me on the back.

“Careful, Mikey, don’t kill yourself on it.”

I took a deep breath and sighed, clearing my lungs out as Brian smoked, and with the smoke that came out of my lungs, I tried to let out the jealousy, too. Ben and I could never… do it that way. And that was fine. We didn’t need to do that to be close. It wouldn’t make us any closer even if we did. It would feel good, probably, but… we didn’t need it. I had a feeling it meant a hell of a lot more to Brian and Justin than it would have to me.

“I’m happy for you, ” I said, looking Brian in the eyes. And I meant it.

He grinned a small, almost bashful grin, and then it faded and the light in his eyes faded, too. He exhaled and handed me the joint back. “But then Claire called.”

“Yeah, ” I muttered. “Great timing, of course.” I didn’t smoke more. I didn’t need to drive stoned, and I wasn’t going to stay all day. So I just handed it back.

Brian smoked quietly for a long moment, inhaling from the joint, and exhaling little clouds of smoke. He was so beautiful. Sometimes I couldn’t decide if he was more beautiful when he was happy, or when he was like this. Still, I preferred him happy.

“You have to talk to him.”

Brian shut his eyes and sighed, exhaling another small cloud of smoke. “I do? ”

“Yeah. You do.” I said, eating more pizza.

“Fuck, ” he muttered.

I grinned a little and rested my head on Brian’s shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around me, handing the joint back. What the hell. I took another hit before handing it back. It made the pizza taste better, and the memories hurt less, and there couldn’t be anything wrong with that. “Remember when she met Lindsay? ”

Brian laughed a little and tightened his arm around me, resting his head against mine. “She thought we were dating. She was so fucking relieved.”

I smiled widely, remembering how smug Brian had been. Lindsay had been amused, too, but it had worked for both of them. They hadn’t been ready to come out to their parents yet, so it was an arrangement that worked. I’d been jealous, of course, but I’m always jealous about something. Lucky for me, Brian seems to think it’s more cute than annoying. Jerk.

“Then she met Justin, ” Brian said softly.

I blinked a few times in surprise. “She did? ”

“She came over once, ” Brian said, his voice thick from smoking the joint. “We’d been fucking. Justin came down from the bedroom and introduced himself… he was all pink and sweaty.” He laughed and nuzzled his face into my hair a little. “It would have been fucking funny if it wasn’t so fucking tragic. He actually tried to introduce himself and shit.”

I shut my eyes and laughed softly. “Poor Justin.”

“Let’s just say it didn’t go over well.”

“Fire and brimstone? ” I asked.

“She never did accept him… or Gus, ” he said, and now his voice was turning harder.

“Gus has plenty of grandparents, ” I said. “He didn’t need her.”

Brian nodded against me and sighed. “Fucking bitch.”

“She was, ” I said.

Brian’s grip on me tightened, almost painfully, and I could feel the anger welling up inside him. It was just like Brian to be upset, and depressed, and then all of a sudden be so furious that it was almost dangerous to be around him.

“That fucking bitch, ” he said louder.

I sighed and shifted against him, feeling my eyes droop. Weed always made me hungry, and then it made me sleepy.

Brian shifted so that my head fell into his lap, and he leaned back on the futon, getting comfortable.

Soon after that, we fell asleep, Brian’s arm resting on me, the room filled with smoke and memories.

You go do whatever you have to do for whatever reason you have to do it. I just want you to know I love you. And I’ll be here when you get back...

Chapter 6

There are things about Brian, I will never know. Things about his past. Things about his childhood. Even things about his friendships that no matter how long we are together I will never be told. And I’ve learned to accept it. I’ve learned to brush it under the rug and not let it eat at me.

But that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt.

Brian and Michael were in his office for almost 3 hours. Sometimes I heard laughter. Sometimes I heard raised voices. And I smelt the soft aroma of pot, pizza and beam. The Michael and Brian cologne.

Gus tried to get me tell him about Brian’s mother. And after sitting there for a few minutes in silence I went upstairs and slammed my studio door shut. I shouldn’t have been angry. This wasn’t about me. It was about Brian. But how come I couldn’t tell my son for all intent and purposes, what his grandmother was like?

Because I didn’t know. I didn’t know jack shit about Brian’s childhood.

But that was 2 days ago. And now here I stood in front of a coffin holding a woman I didn’t know. A woman I knew nothing about. A woman, that for all intents and purposes was one of the main causes of Brian’s pain.

And as fucked up as this sounds, I was glad she was dead.

But I knew her death wouldn’t bring Brian any closure. Any sigh of relief. If anything all it would do was open the door to even more unanswered questions. Even more pain. Even more abandonment.

Lindsay came down for the funeral and stood next to me, a stone cold expression on her face. Brian, on my other side, looked everywhere but at his mother’s coffin. Michael stood to the other side of him, his arm inside Brian’s.

But Brian’s cold hand, held onto mine for dear life.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it has to rain at funerals. I think there is some cosmic rule that no matter what it has to rain. Brian once said to me as we lay in bed, softly touching each other after the throws of passion that he was sure that on the day I died, the sun would still shine. I cried in the shower that night.

The only sound I heard, other than the soft sound of rain hitting the ground, was the constant wails from Claire. Every time her sobs drowned out the minister, and she would scream Mom over and over, Brian gripped my hand so tightly I was scared he would break my fingers. But I just held on. Cause what else can you do but hold on?

Gus stood perfectly still next to his mother. Sometimes he looked down. Sometimes he looked at me. But most of the time he looked at Brian with a worried look on his face.

There was a gathering at Claire’s after the funeral. None of us went. Instead we went back to Michael’s. Lindsay had brought JR down for the trip and Gus wanted to spend some time with his mother and sister. And I knew, right now, Brian needed his two best friends.

The ride home was silent. Gus was spending the night at Michael’s, and except for some thank yous and tiny smiles, Brian had barely said a word all day. About 2 blocks from the house I finally spoke.

“You hungry? ” I asked.

He shook his head.

“You didn’t eat Brian.”

He remained silent.

I trudged up the stairs, removing my jacket and tie along the way. I was exhausted. Emotionally more than physically. I knew Brian would be in his office till all hours, and I was just going to fall right into bed and sleep. I knew Brian wanted to be alone. And as much as I needed him, wanted him near me, I had to respect that this is just how Brian was.

So I was surprised as I lay in bed, half watching some awful reality show on VH1 when the bedroom door opened. He removed his clothes and crawled next to me. I stayed perfectly still, waiting for him to either fall right to sleep or explode. He did neither. He took the remote out of my hand and shut the TV off and threw it onto the bedside table. I turned my head to look at him and he brushed a strand of my hair from his face.

He looked…so young in that moment.

“You okay? ” I whispered to him.

“Shhh.” He silenced me with a soft brush of his lips to mine. He was so gentle. His fingers gently caressed my face, and at first he just gave me soft kisses on my mouth, chin, nose. He was warm, so fucking warm, and I wondered if he had gotten drunk in the half hour he was down stairs. But he didn’t taste like Beam. He tasted like him.

That taste I had in my mouth for the past 16 years. A taste I had grown to crave more than air. He pulled me closer to him, his hands gliding up to my hair and he twirled it around in his fingers.

I was surprised at how slow he was being. But if there is one thing better than being fucked into the mattress by his massive 9 and a half-inch cock, its being made love to by him. When he is like this its….perfection. His touch, his smell, and like I said his taste. It’s intoxicating. It brings to be levels in my life I didn’t know existed. It’s like finishing the best painting of your life…and then some.

His gentleness is like chocolate, new paints, a sunrise, a sunset, newly fallen snow, a shooting star on a clear winter night, piano music, the Sistine Chapel, Paris in spring, and…just love all rolled into one.

I rolled onto my back trying to take him with me. He held onto my hip and pulled me closer to him. What was he doing?

“Brian…” I murmured against his lips. He ran his tongue along my bottom lip and his fingertips tickled my sides.

I giggled a little and writhed in his arms.

“Justin…” He whispered. God, when he says my name like that….

“Mmm? ” I licked his neck.

“Justin…” He repeated, his voice low and rough.

I pulled back and looked at him. His eyes were soft, and again for the second time tonight he looked so fucking young. So innocent. So…beautiful.

“What Brian? ” I asked.

He gently lifted himself off me and lay down on his stomach. I stare at his back for a while, breathing hard and getting used to the warmth of him leaving me. He lifted his head and looked at me and said it one more time.

“Justin.”