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It’s only time






Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

Chapter 1

Fatherhood hadn’t come naturally to me. I’d spent the first five years of sonnyboy’s life pretending he didn’t matter to me, and once I realized he did, it was too late. Lindsay and her bulldog Melanie were dead set on moving to Canada. So I did the first really fatherly thing I’d ever done for my son. I let him go.

He was safe in Canada. He had a good school, and he made friends quickly. I visited as often as I could, although now that I look back, I wonder if I couldn’t have done it more. Lindsay and Melanie were there, though. They took care of him. They were his parents. I was just the father. They made that clear enough over the years.

Not that it’s their fault I stayed away. It’s not. I made my own choices. Just like I chose to push Justin away. Just like I chose to lose my son.

Then they were back. Sonnyboy and Sunshine came back into my life at the same time. Sometimes I wondered why Gus had wanted to move in. He claimed it was just because he was sick of living with women, and he wanted to be independent. I had never pressed him for more details.

Since then things had been strange, but… good. I can honestly say that since we all moved into the house, I’ve been happier than ever before.

Of course, I’ve known ever since Sunshine and I were first together that he wanted a kid of his own. And since we got married, I could see it behind his eyes, just waiting, biding its time. I dreaded it. I couldn’t imagine having an infant in the house. They’re loud, and messy, and more work than I think Justin has any concept of. And who would be the mother? Daphne? I know that’s who he would have wanted. Justin would have left me again if I’d told him this, but a child whose mother is black and whose father is gay is going to have a difficult life. I know it sounds shitty, but it’s the truth. I wouldn’t have gone along with that easily. There’s no reason to make things harder for it than they were already going to be.

This all basically means that I’d already admitted to myself that we would have a kid. Fuck. There was nothing I could do about it. If Sunshine wanted a child, then he’d have it. I wasn’t going to lose him because I didn’t want to change diapers. I just… didn’t think about it. I left it in the back of my mind, locked up and put away, and hoped the issue would just… never come up. Even though I knew, eventually, it would.

But now it looked like thing weren’t going to work out like I thought. He already had a kid. He didn’t know it, but he did. Fuck.

“I still can’t believe you did this! ” Gus was yelling.

“I was a kid! ” Justin said.

“So am I! But I wouldn’t sell my sperm! Are you crazy?! ”

“Don’t raise your voice to me! ” Justin shot back, flustered.

“Oh, what, because you’re my dad? ”

“Sonnyboy, ” I said, raising my eyebrow at him. He looked at me and sighed, but he didn’t go on. Telling Justin he wasn’t his father wouldn’t be helpful. In fact, it would probably depress Sunshine for days, if not weeks. I had to avoid that. There were more important issues at hand.

“That’s right! ” Justin yelled. “Because I’m your dad! ”

“Well you’re stupid! ” Gus yelled.

Justin gaped at him, then looked at me. I shrugged. They’d been doing this since this morning.

“Look, it’s not my fault. I’m gay! I have brain damage and I do drugs! I didn’t think there was any way someone would choose me to be their sperm donor! ” Justin said, for the hundredth time.

I sighed. He was right. It was crazy. But, then again, Sunshine was gorgeous, and by the time the woman chose him, he was a famous artist. Once again, he hadn’t thought ahead.

“I’m hungry, ” Gus muttered, folding his arms and looking away.

“Then make yourself a sandwich, ” Justin shot back, sitting on the sofa next to me.

“But-“ Gus started.

“No buts! ” Justin said. “You’re old enough to make yourself some lunch! ”

Gus huffed and grumbled in a way that only teenagers can, and stomped to the kitchen.

“I’m sorry, ” Justin mumbled again, leaning his head on my shoulder.

I wrapped my arm around him and rolled my eyes. “Stop apologizing.”

We hadn’t really talked about what we were going to do, because I didn’t know. Yesterday there had been yelling, between sonnyboy and Sunshine, and I’d just stayed out of it. Then Gus had gone to his room and stayed in there until this morning. Sunshine and I watched an old movie and fucked for about two hours. We were both tense.

This morning the yelling had continued, and now we were here. Waiting.

My eyes barely left the clock. My stomach was in knots.

“What are we going to do? ” Justin asked softly.

He was scared. I tilted my head to look at him. “We should meet her before we decide anything.”

He nodded. That seemed to make sense to him. I was glad. That was all I could think of. Once we met her, we’d come up with a plan. I’d already tried to think of someone I knew that could adopt her. Unfortunately, the mother to all lost children - including me - had been dead for a long time, now.

Fuck, I missed Debbie. What would she have said?

She would have told me to man up and keep the poor kid. To adopt her. To be a real father for once.

I probably would have told her to fuck off.

Then the doorbell rang.

Justin jumped and shot me a terrified look, and I remembered how fucking scared I was when I first met sonnyboy. I was fucked up on drugs, but I remember that much. It was a life-changing moment, like it or not. Everything was different after I held him. Now it was Justin’s turn.

I got up and went to the door and opened it. Mrs. Travers was waiting on the other side.

“Mr. Kinney, Mr. Taylor, ” she said politely. “I’ve brought Aileen.”

Justin grabbed my hand and squeezed it so hard I thought he was going to break my fingers. Neither of us said anything.

“Of course, I haven’t mentioned to her that you are her father. If you choose not to keep her, it would be traumatic.” She hesitated, and then smiled at us. “I’m hoping you’ll be able to make a quick decision.”

Justin nodded and I just stared at her, feeling numb.

“I don’t know how you can expect us to decide so quickly, ” I said, sounding like far more of an asshole than I meant to.

But old Mrs. Travers wasn’t going to take my shit. She smiled in a way that reminded me of Joan, and my stomach turned. “Well, we have to think of the child. Her only option is to be adopted by her father, or go into the foster care system. And considering your obvious wealth, I wouldn’t think taking on one child would be much of a strain.”

Well. She had us there. Money wasn’t going to be an excuse. So what was? Were we really going to do this? I hadn’t even let myself consider options yet. All I could think was “meet the kid, then come up with a plan.”

Mrs. Travers turned and motioned at the car parked in the driveway, and a man in a cheap suit got out. He was holding the hand of a tiny blonde little girl.

“Aileen, ” Mrs. Travers said, looking down at her when she got to the door. “I’d like you to meet some nice people.”

The little girl’s head was ducked, and her wispy blond – almost white – hair was blocking her face.

Then she lifted her head and I knew instantly what we were going to do.

Justin’s fingernails dug into my hand and he started to tremble. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

She was wearing a dark green corduroy dress with a big yellow flower sewn badly on the chest, and little pink sneakers, but her knees were scuffed up and dirty. Her eyes were exactly the same color as Justin’s, and she had his hair, and his little upturned nose. Her cheekbones were higher, and her face rounder, but the rest was all him. She was beautiful.

I slowly knelt in front of her, tugging Justin down with me. She stared at us with a scared but defiant expression. Oh, yes. Even at four, it was obvious that she was a Taylor.

“Hi Aileen, ” I said. My voice was strained, but to my credit, I sounded much calmer than I felt. “I’m Brian, ” I said.

The little four year old girl just kept staring at us, her eyes scared, but her lips set firmly in a pout that read ‘I don’t know who you are, but I don’t need you.’

“And I… I’m Justin, ” Justin said. His voice cracked, and I could tell he was on the verge of tears.

I stared at this little four year old a moment longer, and then finally turned to look at Sunshine. “Let’s do it, ” I said.

Justin stared at me, his eyes wide with shock, and he looked just like he did the first time I showed him a kind word when he was just 17. “Y-you’re serious? ”

I felt myself smile, and I squeezed his hand. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Somewhere deep inside me, the Brian of twenty years ago was screaming.

What are you doing, asshole?! She’s a little kid! Practically a baby! What do you know about kids?! You don’t even know if she’s healthy! What if she’s sick?! What if she’s retarded or something! And do you really want to spend all the time you could be fucking on some CHILD?! On someone ELSE’S kid?!

And the answer was simple. Yes. I did. Because it wasn’t just someone else’s kid. It was… she was… Justin’s.

So there really wasn’t a question about it. I couldn’t send part of him away to people who might not love her, like my parents. I couldn’t send her into the foster system that had eaten Hunter alive and spat him out. I just… couldn’t. It wasn’t even a choice.

I glanced up at the woman that had brought her to us, and nodded. “Tell us where to sign.”

The man in the bad suit handed Mrs. Travers a huge folder full of paperwork, and Justin burst into tears.

I sighed and stood, trying to tug him to his feet, but he wouldn’t budge. Fuck. What a great time to queen out.

“He’ll be fine, ” I said, glancing at Mrs. Travers. She just nodded. I guess she was used to that kind of thing. Her job was probably usually not reuniting child and parent. It was probably taking kids away.

“Sunshine, ” I said softly, putting my hand on his shoulder. “Come on.”

Then Aileen stepped forward, and wrapped her tiny arms around his neck, and hugged him.

He stopped crying abruptly, and slowly wrapped his arms around her small body. He glanced up at me with wide, scared eyes, and I felt myself grin. “Looks like she doesn’t want you to cry.”

Justin sniffled and wiped his eyes on the back of his hand, and then she pulled away, and smiled.

I swear to God, or whatever is up there, that my heart skipped a fucking beat.

Justin started crying again.

She’d inherited his famous smile.

Somehow we made it into the dining room. Aileen was sitting on the floor with the man in the bad suit – who had been introduced as Mrs. Travers’ assistant – fully ignoring his efforts to entertain her with a doll.

Mrs. Travers went over the paperwork. It wasn’t going to be an easy process. Aileen was legally Justin’s, but it would take at least a month – maybe many – to get all of the paperwork filed. We’d have to go through an approval process, just like Mikey had, before everything would be finalized. I was concerned about the fact that she’d have two fathers, but Mrs. Travers had a curt reply. Considering my income level, no judge would care.


I guess you can buy acceptance, or at least begrudging tolerance.

I collected all of the paperwork, and told her I’d have my lawyers look it over in the morning. Assuming they approved of everything, we’d turn it all in immediately.

“Is she going to stay? ” Justin asked, after having been silent throughout the entire two hour conversation. His eyes hadn’t left his little girl. “Can she stay tonight? ”

Mrs. Travers nodded. “Considering you are the default legal guardian, she can stay as long as the paperwork is turned in tomorrow.”

Justin nodded, still staring at the child who was now sitting on the floor and staring silently out the window at the sky. She hadn’t spoken a word yet.

“Will we get all of her medical information? ” I asked.

“Actually, there’s a box of materials for you, ” Mrs. Travers replied. She nodded at the man in the bad suit, and he smiled.

“I’ll go get it, ” he said. He stood and began to walk out the door, and I caught his gaze traveling over me. I guess we weren’t the first gay men she’d been around.

A moment later, he returned with a large cardboard box. He set it on the table and sat next to me. I ignored him. Even if he was hot – and I supposed he was slightly – I had absolutely no interest.

Justin reached into the box with Mrs. Travers and started pulling out items. “This is all of her belongings, ” she said.

I watched as they pulled out another large folder. “Her medical records are inside, ” Mrs. Travers said. “She’s up to date on all of her shots, and shows no major health issues. Of course, it would be best for you to have her checked up frequently, as adjusting to a new life can be difficult for someone so young.”

I nodded, and Justin gasped, pulling out a photo album. He opened it, and inside was photo after photo of Aileen and her mother. The woman that had chosen Sunshine was beautiful, if not odd. She also had blonde hair, although it looked darker than Sunshine’s and was frizzy and unkempt, and freckles all over her face. She must have been in her early thirties.

“Oh my god, ” Justin moaned. “Look at her dress.”

I smirked. The first photo in the album was of Aileen as an infant, being held by her mother, in a long, shapeless tie-dyed dress.

“She was a hippie, ” Justin whispered, and I swatted his leg, trying not to laugh. At least it explained the huge hand-sewn flower on Aileen’s dress.

I reached into the box, and pulled out something soft. When I lifted it up, I was face-to-face with a somewhat worn teddybear.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Aileen scramble to her feet and run over to me. I looked down at her, stunned to see her move. She’d been so silent and still until this point.

“My teddy, ” she whispered, holding her arms up for it.

I glanced at Justin, who was blinking rapidly and trying not to cry again. I handed the bear to Aileen, who wrapped her arms around it and hugged it for dear life.

“Why the fuck was this in the box? ” I asked, shooting the woman at the table an irritated look. The poor kid was obviously scared out of her mind, and they’d taken her fucking teddy bear.

She frowned disapprovingly at me. “Language, please. Aileen never asked for the toy, so we never gave it to her.”

Justin put his hand on my leg, and I realized I was already being overprotective. Fuck.

“Thank you, ” Aileen mumbled, and then she ran back to sit where she’d been on the floor, holding her bear.

Mrs. Travers stood, and walked to Aileen. She didn’t crouch down, so the poor kid wouldn’t have to look up. I remember hating that when I was a kid.

“Aileen, ” Mrs. Travers said. “Justin, ” she pointed at Sunshine. “Is your daddy.”

I winced, wishing she’d put it more delicately. Of course, how else could you say it?

Aileen’s gaze went to Justin, and she looked less scared, and more curious.

“Justin and Brian are very nice, and they want to adopt you, ” Mrs. Travers said.

Aileen’s gaze shifted to me, and I felt my heart race again. Fuck, she was just so… beautiful.

“Would you like to go back to the agency with me, or stay here with them? ” she asked.

Aileen looked at Mrs. Travers and wrinkled her little button nose. “Stay with daddy, ” she mumbled.

Justin burst into tears. I rubbed his back. Aileen walked to Justin, and held out her bear.

Justin took it and smiled weakly. “Thanks, ” he said.

Aileen smiled again, and I knew that once again, I was completely and utterly fucked.

Chapter 2

It is much easier to become a father than to be one. ~Kent Nerburn

Aileen doesn’t talk much, but that girl sure knows what she likes and doesn’t like. I was originally going to make garlic and herb chicken for dinner.

She wanted Pasta. So I made spaghetti. She didn’t want long noodles. She wanted fat short ones.

I made sauce. She doesn’t want the red sauce.

I put butter on them.

Too much butter.

And then she insisted of putting her own amount of grated cheese on it.

She had been here 4 hours and I already wanted to send her to her room. But all she had to do was flash her toothy grin to Brian and she got whatever she wanted.

Guess she takes after me in some ways.

I poured her milk with her dinner and one little nose wrinkle later, Brian gave her Pepsi.

I tried to argue and he told me it was her first night and to give her a break.

Oh, I was going to break something.

I asked Gus to come down for dinner.

He refused.

Brian brought him up a bowl of pasta and came down 20 minutes later with an empty bowl and a worried expression.

“Gus okay? ” I ask. Aileen picks at her pasta, not looking up. This girl is intuitive.

“Just needs to adjust to the new…arrangement.” Brian pushes Aileen’s bowl of food closer to her. She gives him a tiny smile.

I watch them for a few minutes, silently. The interaction, as weird as it was to me, seemed…natural. She would take a bite, and beam at Brian, waiting for his praise. He would ruffle her hair and tell her to eat more. Like his praise was her reward. She craved it from Brian. Much like I did…and still do since the day I met him.

He finally notices how quiet I am and looks up at me with soft hazel eyes. He reaches out and brushes his hand over my face. I lean into his touch and close my eyes. I am so tired.

“Why don’t you put her to bed and I’ll make a fire in our room. We can relax the rest of the night.”

I smile at him, without opening his eyes.

“Mmm.” I murmur. That sounds amazing. Early turn in nights plus a fire means cuddles and slow sex.

Just what I need.

“Aileen, it’s time for bed.” I tell her. Her blue eyes look up at me through long blonde ashes and she reaches her arms up for me so I would pick her up. I bring her into my arms and she clings around my neck so naturally. I watch as Brian starts to clear the table, Gus’s job.

I guess all the kids are getting away with a lot tonight.

We set up the guest room next to our room and I change her into a pair of pink feety pajamas I found in her tiny pink suitcase. Pink. Lovely.

I take the clips out of her hair and she lies down perfectly without a fuss. I sit on the edge of the bed next to her and feel the sudden urge to rub the top of her head. I don’t though. I’m not sure what the right thing to do right now would be. Yes. I am her father but…

Wait.

Oh god.

I feel like a ton of bricks just landed on my shoulders.

I’m her father.

I’m…her…father.

I look down at her tiny body laying in the HUGE full bed, blanket pulled up to her chin, and her bear stuffed perfectly under her arm, and those eyes, my own fucking eyes, staring up at me.

“You okay? ” I finally ask her.

She nods.

“Well get some sleep. I’ll make breakfast in the morning.”

“Pancakes.” Her little voice says from underneath the blanket.

I smile. A girl after my own heart.

“Pancakes it is.” I touch her arm gently and get up from the bed. I turn the light out but leave the door open and the hall light on. If she is anything like me at four, she’s afraid of the dark.

When I get into mine and Brian’s bedroom, he already has the fire place started and he is on top of the comforter in just his underwear. Fuck. He is so beautiful. I honestly cannot wait to get my mouth around his…

“She okay? ” He asks. I crawl across the bed to him, shedding my clothing along the way.

“Fine.” I attach my mouth to his and he makes a muffled grunt before grabbing the back of my neck and sliding his tongue against mine. I make it onto my back in seconds and his hands go up into my hair. I moan and wrap my legs around his hips, pulling him closer into me.

I know fire place and early turn in nights are supposed to mean slow sex but fuck it. I’m stressed. I’m anxious. And right now I need a good hard core raw fucking.

“Fireplace, ” he murmurs against my lips.

“Fuck it.”

He laughs into my mouth.

“Never mind. Fuck me.”

He pushes my underwear down, releasing my aching cock into the warm air. He wraps his hand around it and gently tugs. I arch off the bed and entangle my legs with his.

“So wet.” He moans, devouring my mouth again. We make out like horny teenagers for a long time. Him stroking my cock with his hand, him rutting against me, still in his underwear, against my leg. He wants to take his time. I needed his dick in my ass hours ago.

“Brian...” I whimper.

“Shhhh. Patience Sunshine. You are such a slu-“

“Dada? ”

Brian and I both still instantly. I can hear a slamming heart beat and I’m not sure if it’s his or mine. I slowly roll my head to look behind Brian’s body. I see my mini clone; well the female version of me, standing in the doorway, bear in hand, dressed in those pink feety pajamas.

“Aileen. What are you doing in here? ”

She doesn’t answer. Just wipes her eyes and then clutches her bear to her chest, looking down at the ground.

Brian gently rolls off me and pulls the duvet up over my naked body.

“Aileen. Did you have a bad dream? ”

She finally lifts her eyes to mine and they’re wet. My heart breaks into a million fucking pieces and I have to bite my lip to keep from crying myself. I reach down over the side of the bed for my jeans.

“Alright. Lets go back to your room and I’ll wait with you until-“

“-No. She can sleep in here with us.”

I whip my head to look at my husband. My very out of CHARACTER husband.

“She can? ” I ask

“Yeah. Come on Princess.” Brian holds his arms out and Aileen flashes her signature Sunshine smile and runs as fast as she can before climbing eagerly into to bed. I watch, with an open mouth, as she settles in between Brian and I. She positions her bear perfectly next to her and Brian and he pulls the duvet up over her. I watch his face, as he watches her.

It’s…the same look he gave me in moments when I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he loved me.

He loved this little girl already.

Because…

She was a part of me.

I feel my eyes well with tears at the thought and then realization that I too, loved this little girl. She had been in my life not even 24 hours and I knew…nothing would ever be the same again.

Nothing can be truer than fairy wisdom. It is as true as sunbeams. ~Douglas Jerrold

 

Chapter 3

 

Even with all his teen angst and whatever the fuck else was going on in his head, sonnyboy couldn’t resist the smell of pancakes and bacon and eggs cooking for breakfast.

“This is Gus. He’s your new big brother, ” Sunshine had said when sonnyboy finally came downstairs with his backpack slung over his shoulder.

Gus just stared at Aileen, white in the face. It was surreal to watch. Here was this little girl that looked so much like Sunshine, and Gus, who… still looked so much like me.

Aileen’s eyes widened as she stared at him from her place sitting on a pile of phone books at the dining room table. Child sized furniture, another thing we’d have to buy, I noted to myself.

“Gus? ” Aileen finally said softly.

Sonnyboy snapped out of it at the sound of her voice, and went to the table, snatching up a plate and some food. I watched him, tongue in cheek, and said nothing. Justin shot me an annoyed look, but I shrugged. I know my son. He’s too much like me and his mother. The direct attack just doesn’t work. The best thing to do is to wait until he’s ready to talk, and hope that it’s soon.

“I’m going to eat outside while I wait for my ride, ” Gus mumbled.

Justin didn’t get a chance to say anything before sonnyboy was out the front door.

Aileen was already back to eating her pancakes, dripping syrup all over her hand as she tried to manipulate the fork. I’d cut up her food into small pieces, ignoring the ‘aren’t you cute’ look Sunshine was giving me as I did it, but it looked like she still hadn’t mastered motor controls. That’s okay, though. I’d helped Sunshine re-learn to use his hand. I could help her learn the first time.

It was a weekday, but I’d called in to work. I didn’t tell Theodore why. We weren’t ready to subject the poor kid to the family, yet. She’d only spent one night with us so far, and I knew it would probably take months before she really felt like she was at home. Still, I was going to give it at least a week before we started introducing her to everyone. We’d agreed that Sunshine could call mother Taylor that evening, but that we’d ask her to hold off a couple of days before coming over.

I’d thought Sunshine and I would spend the day at home with Aileen, getting to know her, letting her get to know us. But there was a lot of work to be done at the gallery, and Sunshine had to be the one to make sure things went smoothly.

“Don’t worry about us, ” I said. “She’ll probably nap for most of the afternoon, anyway.”

Sunshine had left reluctantly, promising to stop at a store and pick up a few necessities on the way home. We needed a lot of things for the kid, and taking her shopping would have just stressed her out.

After Sunshine left, we started in the living room. I found some kids station and tried to get her to watch cartoons. No such luck. Finally, I turned the TV off and asked if she wanted to play outside.

So here I was, three hours later, home alone with a tiny little girl version of Sunshine, lying in the grass on the back yard of our huge estate, and thinking that this wasn’t at all what I thought my life would end up being.

I was watching Aileen, making sure she didn’t get too close to the pool (another thing we needed, child-proof fencing) as she toddled around the yard, picking the tiny white and yellow flowers that grew everywhere. It was warm out, but not too hot, and the sun felt great. I shut my eyes and then sat up, sighing heavily. I couldn’t risk falling asleep.

Then Aileen was running over to me, holding a huge fistful of flowers, some of them with their roots still attached and dirt hanging off in clumps. Her huge blue eyes stared at me intently, clearly demanding something.

“Hey, ” I said, reaching out to brush some grass off the little denim dress we’d found in her box.

Her eyebrows lowered and her gaze became intense. She thrust the fistful of flowers at me again and made a little noise in the back of her throat.

I raised an eyebrow at her. “What’s up? ” I asked.

Her lips pursed into a tight little pout and she huffed out a little sigh, thrusting them at me again. Christ, what did she want?

Then fuzzy memory floated to the front of my mind.

“See? Back and forth, back and forth, this is how you braid! ” a little girl was saying in a sing-song voice, crouching in front of me, blocking the blinding summer sun with her body, making her look hazy and unfocused.

“Like this? ” I replied, my five-year-old hands awkwardly twisting the flower stems together.

“That’s pretty good, ” she replied, smiling. She raised the flowers in her hand and revealed that she’d braided them into a halo. She placed the crown of flowers on my head. She took the far messier bunch from my hands and quickly fixed them before putting them on her own head. “Prince and Princess Kinney! ” she said.

We burst into giggles.

I shook my head, breathing deeply. Fuck. I hadn’t thought about that in… years.

I focused my eyes back on Aileen, who was giving me a worried look.

“Here, ” I said. I took the bunch of flowers from her hand and broke the roots off them, and started to twist them together.

Aileen crouched next to me, sitting on her heels, and stuck her little face inches from my hands, focusing with every inch of her body to learn what I was doing.

“My sister taught me how to do this, ” I said. I cleared my throat, trying to hide the strain in my voice.

Aileen sat down with a plop, looking at me with those blue eyes again. I slowly twisted the flowers together, trying to remember how this was done.

“I love my daddy, ” Aileen said softly.

I froze and slowly turned my head to look at her. “Yeah. So do I.” As always, admitting that out loud felt… weird. But… good.

Aileen smiled just a little. “Daddy’s a famous artist. He makes pictures.”

I arched an eyebrow at her and nodded. “That’s right. How do you know that? ”

Aileen’s smile widened. “Mommy told me all ‘bout daddy! ”

That explained a lot. The kid’s mom was an art fan. No wonder she had just accepted it when Sunshine was introduced as her father.

“You know, ” I said slowly, not sure how to put this in a way a four year old would understand. “Your daddy is… very happy that you’re here.”

Aileen’s smile faded slowly and she looked back at my hands. I quickly began trying to braid them together again.

“I miss mommy, ” Aileen’s small voice said, so softly that I almost couldn’t hear her.

My chest tightened and I swallowed hard before setting the flowers on my lap and put an arm around her, rubbing her tiny back in slow circles.

“My mom died, too, ” I said.

Aileen’s head lifted and she stared at me. Her eyes were glassy and wet.

“Was she nice? ” Aileen asked softly.

I felt myself smile. “Yeah, ” I said. My throat closed up for a moment. If Deb had been here… “I wish she could have met you, ” I said.

Aileen slowly leaned against me, her body was so small that I could barely feel the weight of her. I kept rubbing her back gently.

“It’s… okay to be sad, ” I said. Fuck, I wasn’t sure what I was doing. But I had to try.

Aileen stared at the flowers in my lap unblinkingly. “Are you sad? ” she finally asked, her voice small.

I took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah.” I thought about Debbie. I thought about how she’d been there for me when I was just as scared as the little girl next to me, and how she took me in and showed me that parents didn’t have to be fucked up and abusive. She was the first person to show me love. I didn’t think about Joan for more than an instant. I knew who my real mother was. “But… it gets easier.”

Aileen sniffled and my heart raced. I didn’t want her to cry. I tried to think of something to say, something that would help. But she stood slowly, wobbling in her little pink sneakers before wrapping her arms around my neck. She pressed her lips to my ear. “Mama’s not really gone, ” she said.

I didn’t move. I could barely breathe. She acted like she was telling me something so important, it had to be a secret.

“Mommy told me, ” she continued, whispering. “She’s watching me.”

I shut my eyes, biting my tongue. The last thing the kid needed was to hear the words that threatened to pour out of my mouth. Heaven? Bullshit. God? BULLSHIT. Dead is dead is dead.

“Mommy’s a fairy now, ” she said softly.

I blinked and turned my head to look into her eyes. “A fairy? ” I asked, whispering back.

She nodded firmly. “Mommy’s body died. But not her.”

I remembered something else, then. Something even hazier, and more distant. Something about fairy rings and changelings and gnomes… that my grandmother had told me, a long time ago. Aileen. That’s an Irish name.

I felt myself nod. “You’re right. She is, ” I said. I couldn’t dispute it. I didn’t believe in the god Joan had. But… maybe… it was okay for a little kid to believe in something like this.

Aileen smiled slowly. “Your mama is too.”

My chest tightened and I pulled Aileen close, hugging her. “Thanks, princess, ” I said.

Her little arms were around my neck, and we stayed like that for a long time. She clung to me, and I didn’t move, except to rub her back in slow circles.

When she finally pulled away, her face was red and her eyes were puffy. She’d been crying, but so quietly that I hadn’t even known it. I brushed her messy blond hair back and grinned at her.

She smiled, and my heart skipped a fucking beat. Christ.

“Are you daddy’s wife? ” she asked.

I choked on my own spit and coughed loudly.

Aileen just kept smiling. “Are you? ”

I took another deep breath and shook my head. “No. I’m his… husband.” The word still felt strange in my mouth.

She blinked a few times, her forehead wrinkling in concentration. Then she nodded, seeming to come to some kind of understanding. “Okay, daddy.”

I froze. I didn’t know what to say.

“That makes you daddy, too, ” she said slowly, as if I was the one that was confused.

“Yeah, I guess it does, ” I said. My throat felt dry and raw.

She smiled and fell back onto her bottom with a thump. She pointed at the flowers on my lap.

Shaking my head, I picked up the flowers and started braiding them together again. This time I had it down.

“Gus hates me, ” she said.

I glanced at her and shook my head, continuing to braid. “He’s just… scared.”

Aileen giggled and gave me an ‘are you stupid’ look that looked so much like Sunshine’s that I couldn’t resist the urge to kiss her little forehead. She rubbed the kiss off with the back of her hand. “I’m not scary. ”

I grinned and nodded, still braiding the flowers. It was slow work, made for little fingers, not awkward adult ones. “Well, it’s scary when things change.”

Aileen nodded and gave me a serious look. “He’s my brother.”

Tongue in cheek, I nodded again, slowly. “He is.”

“We’ll be friends, ” she said.

I thought about the way Sunshine had told me he’d be with me, no matter what I said, when we first met. She said this the same way. I laughed once, and tied the ends of the flowers together, making a halo. “I’m sure you will be, ” I said.

Aileen took the crown of flowers from my hands gingerly, examining it with serious eyes. Then she smiled and put it on her head, beaming.

I felt myself smile, and she got up and ran across the yard again, picking more flowers. I sat back and watched her silently. Moments later she returned with a new fistful of flowers. I took them and braided these together too, and she sat down next to me. This time neither of us spoke. The sun beat down on us and a slight breeze blew across the yard. I finished braiding the flowers and handed them to her.

Then she stood, wobbling on her tiptoes for a moment before reaching up and placing the second crown of flowers on my head. “I’m the princess, and you’re the king! ”

I felt myself smile. Brian Kinney doesn’t wear daisy chains on his head. But hey, the kid’s mother had just died. I figured I could let it slide, just this once. Besides, there was no one around to see.

“Don’t the two of you look cozy, ” an amused voice said behind us.

I winced and slowly turned to glower at Sunshine, who was walking across the lawn to us. His lips were pursed and his eyes sparkled with repressed laughter.

Aileen stood and ran over to Sunshine, holding up her arms. He looked startled for a moment, and then scooped her up. My chest tightened and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. They were… so fucking beautiful.

“Daddy made us crowns! ” Aileen said.

Justin’s eyes met mine. They sparkled happily. “Daddy did, huh? ”

I sighed heavily and stood, reaching for the flowers on my head to pull them off, and set them on Sunshine’s head instead. Aileen reached up and adjusted them tenderly.

“Flowers? For me? ” Sunshine said, chuckling. “How sweet.”

I rolled my eyes and patted him on the ass. “They’re more your… look.”

Aileen smiled at Sunshine, looking almost shy. “Daddy is a good flower braider. I’m the princess. You’re the prince. Daddy’s the king.”

I smirked. “I’m the king, ” I said to Sunshine. He laughed.

Aileen wriggled in Sunshine’s arms and he set her down. “I’ll get more flowers! ” she said, running off to collect more. “For daddy’s crown! ”

I tugged on a lock of Sunshine’s hair, giving him a threatening look. “Don’t say a word.”

He smiled brightly and wrapped an arm around my waist, leaning in to kiss my cheek. “My lips are sealed, your highness.”


Chapter 4

When a child is born, so are grandmothers.--Judith Levy

 

Aileen sat on the edge of her new toddler bed, made up with a brand new purple and white bed spread and matching dust ruffle and pillow cases. She was straightening the dress on her also brand new dolly. I watch her silently, paint brush in hand. She is so focused on getting the dolls dress right. She had already redressed her three times this morning and she will stop at nothing until the dress is exactly how she wants it.

She has artist in her alright. She finally notices me watching her and she looks up at me, big bright eyes behind long blonde lashes and smiles brightly. She holds the doll up and shakes her a few times. “Sally! ” She exclaims.

I nod. “I know.”

“Daddy B got her for me.”

Daddy B? Wow.

“Yes he did.” I look to the door to find Brian, dressed in a hot charcoal gray suit and blood red tie, leaning against the door frame. Fuck. There goes my cock. I smile at him and he walks into the room, pulling me into a deep and wet kiss. I hear Aileen giggle. We both look over at her and she’s beaming, swinging her legs out in front of her. Brian sighs happily.

“How do you like your room, princess? ” Brian asks, walking over and sitting on her tiny new bed next to her. She immediately leans into him and touches Sally’s hair.

“Good.” She murmurs.

I watch this moment enfolding in front of me and it makes me almost tear up. I know Brian can be gentle. I have seen him with his own son on many occasions, especially when Gus was younger, in rare moments of hand holding and soft kisses to the forehead. I know Brian can be gentle with me. When I’m having a panic attack. During nights of beautiful love making. And on odd moments where he just leans over and kisses me in the middle of the grocery store or sidewalk.

But this…being gentle and caring with a toddler he barely knew, makes Brian a totally new person to me. To us. That he would open his arms, house and heart to a little girl just because she was mine. If that wasn’t love, fuck I don’t know what is. No trapped memories of a dance at a prom, no mansion with stables and a pool and no bare cock in my ass could show me more than this moment how much Brian loves me.

I look back to the freshly painted lavender walls and clear my throat.

“Fairies Brian? ” I ask as I pick up the wall deco’s he had ordered online along with her bed, bedding, white furniture and carpet.

Aileen BEAMS at me and nuzzles against Brian. “Like Mommy.” She says quietly.

Brian smiles down at her and pets her blonde mess of hair. “That’s right, Princess.”

I give him an odd look and he winks at me. I guess sometimes it’s good to have secrets at that age.

“Is the color okay, Aileen? ”

She hops off the edge of her bed and walks cautiously over to me and stares up at the wall. She wrinkles her little nose and then nods. “Very pretty.”

I brush my hand across her cheek and she reaches up for my paint brush. “I do.” She whines.

“We need to get you changed into some play clothes first.” I put the brush down on the drop cloth and wipe my hands on my already stained jeans. I pick her up and carry her over to her new dresser and search her drawers for a pair of jeans. She peers in the drawer with me and pulls out a pair of light stone washed jeans and a light green t-shirt.

“This.” She tells me holding them in my face. I smile.

“Okay. Jammies off.” I go to tug her pajama shirt off and she grabs my hand gently.

“Daddy out.”

Oh right. Girl privacy. Right.

I stand and motion for Brian to follow me out. He waves at her. “I’ll see you when I get home from work, Princess.”

“Okay! ” She waits patiently for us to leave, closing her drawer. At least she’s neat.

I close the door behind me and lean against the wall in the hall. “Princess? ” I ask him.

He shrugs and yanks me close to him, devouring my mouth. “It’s been a long time since we’ve had any alone time.” He growls, nibbling on my bottom lip.

“That’s your fault. You let her sleep in our bed with us.” I grind my now hard cock against his leg. Fuck I love this suit.

“Why do you think I ordered all this shit for her room? So she will actually SLEEP in her own bed and I can have you back all to myself.”

I giggle and wrap my arms around his neck. We make out like horny teenagers until we hear Gus’s room door open down the hall. He steps out, dressed in his school uniform. His shirt is half way unbuttoned; showing a white Hurley skate t-shirt under it and his tie is hung undone and loose around his neck. He glares as us.

“What are you two doing? ” He asks irritated.

“Catching up.” Brian smirks and kisses me again.

“Yeah, well maybe if you didn’t spend so much time and MONEY on that fucking room for the brat.” He brushes past us but Brian grabs his arm.

“Hey. Don’t call her that.”

He yanks away from Brian’s grasp and bites his lower lip. “She’s not even your fucking daughter! ”

“Watch your mouth.” I order.

“Oh right, I forgot. We watch our mouths now and have to tip toe around the BABY. It’s bullshit.” He looks near tears.

“Gus…” I begin.

“Listen carefully, sonnyboy. I’ve been giving you the benefit of the doubt the past few weeks. It’s a huge change, for all of us. I get that. But this ends NOW. She is a part of this family JUST like you. She is Justin’s daughter. He accepted you with open arms and I am doing the same for Aileen. And so will you.”

Gus’s eyes widen. Brian NEVER reprimands him. Brian is always on his side. I swallow hard and wait for Gus’s reaction.

“FINE. But I’m not changing any diapers or feeding her.” He folds his arms. I roll my eyes.

“She’s potty trained and can eat herself.”

But Brian is waiting for more. “Gus.” He says firmly.

Gus huffs. “FINE.” He starts down the hallway but pauses at the top of the stairs. “Oh by the way, my mom’s will be here tomorrow morning.”

“WHAT!? ” Brian and I exclaim at the same time.

Gus turns around, a typical Kinney smirk on his face. “I told them.”

“Gus, you KNEW we were waiting to tell everyone together.” Brian says through clenched teeth.

Gus winces a little. “Well, as soon as I told Mom she freaked that you hadn’t told her so she and Ima are coming here. Better call everyone and make sure they can make it for big announcement, if they haven’t called everyone already.” He bolts down the stairs and Brian goes to follow after him but I grab his arm.

“Just let him go.”

“Little shit.” He mumbles. He runs his hand through his hair. “Christ. I don’t need Lindsay’s shit right now.”

“Like I DO? ” I run my hand over his tie. “It will be okay. I mean we couldn’t keep it a secret much longer. Everyone’s been calling, asking where we are. It’s time, Brian.”

He sighs heavily and brings his lips into his mouth and finally nods. “You’re right.”

“I know I am. Now get to work. Princess and I are gonna finish her room.”

He smiles at me and leans down, covering my mouth with his. I moan and slide my tongue against his. All I want right now is him inside me.

I jump at the sound of Aileen’s bedroom door opening and we both look down to bright blue eyes.

Her shirt is on inside out.

“Ready! ” She yells arms out.

I chuckle and Brian swats my ass before heading downstairs.

“Okay, princess. Let’s go.” I take her little hand in mine and bring her back into her room. She runs and picks up the brush I was using and splatters it onto the wall. I wince.

“Like this, Daddy? ” She asks eyes wide.

I kneel next to her, forcing her hand to dip the brush in the paint can. I bring it back up to the wall and push her wrist up, causing a long lavender line to be painted on the white wall.

“Like this. Push up and then down. “I force her wrist down and it makes the same line as the above one. She giggles.

“LOOK! ” She wiggles her little body excitedly.

“Good job.” I kiss the side of her head and my heart tingles. I feel goose bumps rise on my skin. She’s…mine. Just look at her.

“Oh my god.” I hear softly behind me and spin on my heels to find my mother standing in the doorway. Her hands cover her mouth and tears are forming in her blue eyes.

“Mom…” I stand and Aileen wraps her tiny arm around my leg.

“Brian let me in. I just came to…” She can’t even finish her sentence. She walks slowly into the room, never taking her eyes off Aileen.

“Did Brian…”

She nods and kneels a few feet away from her granddaughter. “What’s your name? ”

Aileen peers from behind my leg at my mother. “Aileen.” She whispers.

“Hi Aileen. My name is Jennifer. I’m Justin’s mom.” She puts her hand out gently and I watch as Aileen walks to her ever so cautiously. She takes my mothers hand and stands in front of her.

“You’re Daddy’s mommy? ” Aileen asks.

My moms breathe hitches and she nods, tears spilling over. I definitely have my mother’s emotions.

“That makes me your grandmother.”

Aileen smiles and presses against my mom. My mother’s arms go around her and she closes her eyes as she hugs her new granddaughter.

She looks up at me and I smile at her. “Surprise.” I say gently.

My mother and I sit on Aileen’s bed and talk as we watch Aileen make a mess of her wall with paint. She’s having fun though and right now that’s all I really care about.

I tell my mother the story, the crazy whirl wind story and she listens, like she always does.

“And Brian…? ”

“He’s great. She took right to him and him to her. It’s pretty amazing. Gus is the problem.”

She nods. “You were pretty upset when Molly first came home from the hospital. You wanted to be the only child. You tortured her for years.” She eyes me. “You still do.”

I bump my shoulder against hers. “He’ll come around. Just gonna take some getting used to.”

“I can’t get over how much she looks like you.” She whispers. Aileen giggles and wipes her hands on her t-shirt.

“I looked like you when I was that age.” I tell her.

My mom turns to me and smiles gently, brushing my hair from my face. “I guess you did.” Her eyes fill up again. “So you’re happy? I mean do you need any help…? ”

I smile. “Well, I’m eventually going to have go to work. The gallery opening is soon and with Brian working...” I look back at Aileen who is now painting her sneaker. “…I’m gonna need a babysitter.”

My mother makes a happy sound in the back of her throat. “I’d be delighted. Between Debbie and me, I’m sure we can work something out.”

“Yeah, looks like we are gonna have a big get together tomorrow to tell everyone.” My mother whips her head to look at me with wide eyes. “I know. Brian wanted to wait till the right time. “I make air quotes. “Guess it’s time whether he likes it or not. Linds and Mel are on their way down. Gus told them. Linds freaked to say the least.”

My mom sighs. “She always was high maintenance.”

I laugh. “You think? ”

“Daddy! Grandma! Look! ” Aileen turns around and holds her foot out to see the new purple shoe instead of pink one she had on when we started this project.

“Very nice, princess. “ I look to my mom. “Wanna give her a bath? ”

She smiles gently. “I’d love to.”

I watch as my mother collects Aileen in her arms, paint getting all over her own clothes. She doesn’t seem to care. I remember a picture I saw of my mother at Aileen’s age that used to hang in my grandmothers house. My mother and Aileen could have been twins.

I finish painting the final wall in her room while my mother gave her a bath and dressed her in fresh clothes.

I know tomorrow is going to be a rough day, but right now it didn’t matter. Nothing could ruin this moment.

If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent. ~Bette Davis

 

Chapter 5

 

When the doorbell rang, I sat up from my place on the sofa and groaned. It was time. Aileen looked up from her place on the floor, where she was playing with her dolls, and smiled at me. We’d tried to explain to her that she had a big family, and they all wanted to meet her, but I didn’t think anything could prepare the kid for the madness that was about to ensue. I could only hope that everyone would stay calm for the kid’s sake. The last thing she needed was a bunch of strangers scaring her.

 

Justin was in the kitchen, cleaning. There wasn’t anything to clean, of course, but that wasn’t going to stop him. I tried to tell him the maid had already done everything yesterday, but he wouldn’t hear it. Sometimes cleaning calms him down. So I left him alone, and answered the door.

 

Lindsay stood on the other side. The minute the door opened her arms were around me. I hugged her back, glancing over her shoulder at Melanie, who looked less than amused, holding JR’s hand tightly as the little girl tried to wriggle out of her grip.

 

“Hello, Peter, ” Lindsay said softly against my neck.

 

I frowned and pulled away a little, giving her a curious look. She hadn’t called me that in… years.

 

But she smiled, and glanced past me. “I can’t believe you hid this from us! Where is she? ”

 

I stepped aside, keeping my voice low. “Don’t scare her, ” I said.

 

“Because that’s exactly what we plan to do, ” Melanie grumbled, pushing past me with JR.

 

“Hi Uncle Brian! ” JR said happily. She’d gotten taller. She was 12 now, and less of a child than a teenager. Her sparkly pink nail-polish and miniskirt were evidence of that.

 

I ruffled her hair. “Hey, brat.”


She giggled and swatted my hand away. “Where’s Gus? ”

 

I was relieved that she wasn’t that interested in meeting Aileen. Sonnyboy needed someone on his side right now. “Upstairs, ” I said.

 

She nodded and ran up the stairs without a glance to the living room.

 

“She’s getting big, ” I said.

 

Lindsay smiled at me, tears in her eyes. “It happens so fast.”

 

“Daddy B? ” a small voice came from beside me. I looked down and there she was, all blond hair and blue eyes, dragging her doll behind her by one leg.

 

Melanie stood to the side, staring at her. Lindsay crouched in front of her and smiled. “Hi, honey.”

 

Aileen flinched and grabbed my leg, hiding behind it. I swung the front door shut, and then scooped her up into my arms. She giggled. “This is your aunt Lindsay, and Melanie.”

 

Lindsay smiled at her. “She’s beautiful.”

 

I nodded, feeling a surge of pride. What a weird feeling. Melanie finally smiled, but her eyes were sad. “She is.”

 

“Oh, hi! ” Justin said, walking into the living room. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

 

I walked to him, and handed Aileen over. Her arms went around his neck and she clung to him. He sat on the sofa, and Melanie settled down next to him.

 

I stood there, tongue in cheek, not sure what to do. Since I knew they were coming, I’d called the evening before to do damage control. I explained the whole story. Then I called Mikey. Then Theodore. Then I let Sunshine call Emmett. I was tired of telling the story at that point. They all scolded us for not saying anything sooner. Then they all promised that they’d be over today, to meet her.

 

Lindsay touched my arm gently, pulling me out of my thoughts. I arched an eyebrow at her and nodded towards the kitchen. She smiled and nodded. I gently touched Justin’s head as I walked by and he glanced at me and smiled. I had to go talk to Lindsay alone.

 

The kitchen was sparkling clean. I leaned against the counter, folding my arms. “Go ahead, ” I said. “Let the lecturing begin.”

 

Lindsay walked to me and folded her arms across her chest, pouting. “You really should have told me.”

 

I felt myself grin. She looked just like she did when we were in college, and she was giving me shit for skipping class. “We didn’t want to overwhelm her.”

 

Lindsay sighed and leaned against the counter next to me, placing her hand over mine. “Who ever would have thought? ”


I grunted, squeezing her hand in mine. “She was a surprise, that’s for sure.”

 

“She’s very cute, ” Lindsay said.

 

My grin widened. “She takes after Justin.”

 

Lindsay’s hand tightened on mine, and her eyes narrowed slightly. The corners of her mouth turned down. I knew this look. Something wasn’t right. “So… you’re really going to keep her? ”

 

I pulled my hand out of Lindsay’s and looked at her. “Of course we are.”

 

She tilted her head and her voice got soft. I had to look away. When Lindsay looks at me like that, I feel like a little boy who’s done something wrong. “Are you sure that’s the right decision? ”

 

I couldn’t meet her gaze. “Of course it is.”

 

“Because she’s Justin’s? ”

 

I nodded. I stole a glance back at her. She was still giving me that look.

 

“I thought you didn’t want to be a father, ” she said.

 

“That changed when Gus was born, ” I muttered, looking away again.

 

Her hand touched mine, and I tensed. “Did it? ”

 

I thought about the years of missed holidays, of short vacations and visits, of infrequent phone calls. I thought about how I’d practically missed my son’s entire childhood. My chest tightened. I cleared my throat. “Things are different now.”

 

Lindsay laughed softly. “Because you’re married? ”

 

“I’ve been raising Gus, haven’t I? ” My voice was hard. I sounded angry. Really, I just felt guilty. I met Lindsay’s soft gaze with a glare.

 

“He was already a teenager when he moved in, Brian. That’s hardly the same thing as raising a baby.”

 

I stepped away from the counter and shoved my hands into my pockets. Lindsay’s long, blond hair was pulled back, and she looked tired. “What’s going on? ”

 

She blinked innocently at me. “What do you mean? ”

 

“Do you think I can’t handle it? ” I said. I sounded defensive. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down, but I couldn’t. Lindsay was… important to me. If she thought I couldn’t handle it… maybe she was right.

 

“Of course not, ” Lindsay said gently. She rested a hand on my chest and stepped closer to me. Her eyes were sad. “I just wish… you could have been this involved with Gus.”

 

I shut my eyes, Guilt washed over me. My stomach tightened. “I know, ” I said.

 

“Shh, ” Lindsay said softly. She brushed her fingers over my cheek. I opened my eyes to gaze into hers. “You’re Brian Kinney, ” she said. “You’re not supposed to be raising children.”

 

She was right. I wasn’t. There was nothing about this situation that was anything I’d ever planned. But… “I’m not the same person I was.”

 

Lindsay’s eyes darkened and she ducked her head, pressing her forehead against my shoulder. “I know.”

 

Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. I slowly wrapped my arms around her and she hugged me back. A sob came from her chest.

 

“What’s going on? ” I asked softly, stroking her hair.

 

“Mel and I are getting divorced, ” she whispered.

 

I grabbed her shoulders and shoved her away, holding her at arms length. “You’re WHAT? ”

 

“Shh! ” she hissed, looking on the verge of tears.

 

I took a deep breath and dropped my arms. I stared at her, confused, and feeling oddly… betrayed. “What the fuck happened? ”

 

Lindsay wrung her hands, ducking her head. “It isn’t working.”

 

“Yeah, how many times have I heard that before? ” I walked to the cabinet the Beam was in and pulled it out. I needed something to drink.

 

“Brian, ” Lindsay said softly. “Please.”


I drank down a swig of Beam before turning to face her. “Why are you telling me this now? ”

 

She shrugged helplessly. “You’re my Peter, ” she said.

 

I felt my chest tighten again and I sighed, motioning for her to come closer. This time I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. “What are you going to do? ”

 

She shrugged, her body shaking with silent tears. “I don’t know.”

 

“Are you moving back here? ” I asked.

 

“Do you want me to? ” her voice was strained and muffled against my shoulder.

 

“Of course I do, ” I said.

 

We stood like that, silently, for minutes. What else could I do? I thought that the day would be exhausting, but good. I thought our huge, crazy family could come together and be happy about Aileen. This… I hadn’t been prepared for this.

 

“I always thought, ” Lindsay said softly against my shoulder, her fingers gripping my shirt tightly. “You and I would be the ones… like this.”

 

I shut my eyes and sighed. I pushed her away gently.

 

Her eyes were wet. “Are you really going to raise her? You and Justin? You really think you can handle it all by yourselves? She’s not even yours! ”

 

That pissed me off. I pulled away from her completely and leaned against the counter, folding my arms. “She’s Justin’s, so she’s mine, ” I snapped.

 

Lindsay’s expression crumbled, and I felt like an asshole for raising my voice, even a little. “I didn’t mean it that way…”

 

“I know, ” I said. I had to look away. “Does JR know? ”

 

“No, ” Lindsay said softly. Her eyes bore through me, making me feel practically naked in front of her.

 

I stared down at the bottle of Beam. “Are you sure about this? You’ve broken up before.”

 

“This time it’s… for real.”

 

I shut my eyes and sighed heavily. I didn’t ask what had happened. I didn’t need to. I already knew. Lindsay and Melanie had always been all passion, just like Justin and I. But unlike us, they had never gotten past the yelling and the fucking around. At least, not while they were here.

 

“I thought things were better in Canada, ” I said. But I already knew the answer.

 

“I guess people never change, ” Lindsay said softly. She sounded like she was going to cry.

 

“This is going to destroy Gus, ” I said.

 

Lindsay just let out a sob and covered her face with her hands. I pulled her into another hug. What else could I do?

 

“What’s going to destroy Gus? ” I heard sonnyboy ask.

 

I lifted my head and spotted him standing in the doorway next to JR. I released Lindsay and she quickly wiped her face, trying to hide her tears.

 

Gus stared at us, expressionless, tongue in cheek. Christ, he looked so much like me. His eyes bore right through me and I had to look away. Sometimes it felt like he could read my mind.

 

“So where’s the ice cream? ” JR asked, breaking the tense moment. She walked by me, her tiny skirt barely covering her barely pubescent ass and I realized what an obvious sign this was. If Mel and Linds hadn’t been at each other’s throats there’s no way they’d have let the kid dress like that. She pulled the freezer open and pulled out the huge container of double-churned ice cream Justin had gotten at the store, despite my arguments. “Ooh, cookie dough! ”

 

Lindsay sniffled and gave JR the weakest scowl I’d ever seen on her face. “You should wait until after we’ve eaten for dessert.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, ” JR said, ignoring her completely. She reached up into the cabinet for a bowl and I actually got a peek at her underwear, bright pink, of course. Christ, that made me uncomfortable.

 

I cleared my throat and nudged Lindsay, waiting for her to say something. Instead, she just shrugged, looking puzzled, as if she didn’t notice how her daughter was dressed.

 

JR filled two bowls with ice cream for herself and Gus, who was still just standing there, looking at us.

 

“Aren’t you happy to see us? ” Lindsay asked, smiling weakly at sonnyboy.

 

Gus just snorted and rolled his eyes. “Whatever, ” he said.

 

I would have laughed if it were anyone else. “Come on, let’s see if anyone else wants ice cream, ” I mumbled, trying to walk past him into the living room. Maybe if I could separate them, the inevitable blow-out could wait until after everyone else had come and gone.

 

As I brushed past him, I felt a hand much stronger than I expected grab my arm. I turned my head to look at him. Gus’ eyes were narrowed and his lips were set in a perfect sneer. For the first time I realized that my son was almost as tall as me. His eyes, brown instead of hazel like mine, bore into me. Then he snorted and smirked. I could practically smell his rage. I knew the look on his face. I’d invented it.

 

“You’re getting divorced, aren’t you? ” Gus spat, turning his head to look at Lindsay. His hand still clutched my arm tightly. I didn’t move. I could barely breathe.

 

Don’t fuck up, Lindsay, I thought. Don’t fuck up.

 

“Gus, ” Lindsay said softly. “I… you know I…”

 

“Fuck you! ” Gus shouted, finally releasing my arm.

 

I winced, rubbing the spot where his fingers had dug into me. I’d have a bruise. “Calm down.”

 

“Calm down?! ” Gus shrieked. He gaped at me, looking less angry and more… hurt. “First you bring home that brat without even asking me! Now


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