Gyes, Cottus, and Briareus

The next morning at practical magic Professor Stinktopp appeared extremely contented. He rocked himself in the hammock, dangling the slightly bent thin legs, and happily explained how to prepare a blend for invisibility from fern flowers and shark oil. When the work came to practice, nothing turned out even for Shurasik, and for Vanka Valyalkin only the head became invisible. Lieutenant Rzhevskii, seeping through the wall into the class, seeing the headless body stirring the cauldron with a spoon, howled from horror and rolled out on the empty Wheelchair, wailing that a new ghost had appeared in Tibidox.

“Now! And now I vant to make note of somezing else! ” Professor Stinktopp said, as always with an accent, with a flick of the finger returning Vanka’s head to being visible. “I’m certain zat all of you are disturbed by yesterday’s incident and you ask yourselff vhy someone needed to snip-snip ze magic Hair? Vhat in general is zis Hair of Ze Ancient One and how does it differ from a feazer of ze vhite crow, hoofs of a centaur, scales of a dragon, and ozer magic object? Ze Hair of Ze Ancient One is not a magic object — it is ze boundaries! Vhen Ze Ancient One founded Tibidox, he had need for borders betveen light and darkness, betveen good and evil, betveen order and chaos. You understand ze depz of his zought? I myself did not grasp its depz! He took his own hair and installed zis hair as boundaries. Vhile ze Hair vas whole, nozing zreatens! You see ze border in ze big hall vhere ze fire separates ze light and ze dark? Exactly under zat hall in ze great depz of ze Valled-up Basement ze Hair was stored! Only one gold sword could cut it, and zerefore they hid it in ze vorld of ze moronoids. Someone stole ze sword almost before Grotter’s eyes, and she flop-flop! — did nozing! ” Here Professor Stinktopp poked a finger at Tanya and, gathering his wrinkled face in his fist, demonstrated how precisely she did “flop-flop.”

Coffinia burst out laughing, and together with her almost all the blacks burst out laughing. Tanya did not doubt that the whole day today they would tease with her “flop-flop.”

“Now! And now, vhen zere is no more Hair, Tibidox does not haff on hand reliable magic protection and anyzing zat you like can happen. Now guarding us only ze Sinister Gates, zus far no one had opened zem! ” Professor Stinktopp concluded his story, shooting a glance at the clock. The eye already lit up on it, reminding that the lesson of Dentistikha was to start soon. “Class ofer! You may go! ” Professor Stinktopp decided. His hammock was pulled to the ceiling, where on the floor above Professor Stinktopp had his office, which he preferred to pass through a hatch in the floor to get to.

“‘Anyzing zat you like can happen! ’” Bab-Yagun mimicked. “Old felt boot! Pity that he did not reach the titans then! Granny said that he was already in the basement attacking with his fists a cyclops who accidentally came across him. The cyclops first decided that it was someone from the evil spirits and almost beat him up, but then recognized him, caught him, wrapped him up in a hanky, and brought him to magic station where my granny quickly cured him of surplus of courage.”

Tanya snorted, imagining how absurdly a combative Professor Stinktopp would look, moving about in the not very clean hanky of the cyclops. Continuing to discuss the news, the friends left for removal of evil eye.

To their surprise, Medusa Gorgonova instead of Dentistikha appeared in class. She looked gloomy and concerned.

“Don’t be surprised! I’m taking her place today, ” she dryly said. “Dentistikha is helping Slander Slanderych install additional bolts on the Sinister Gates. After what happened yesterday, it seems entirely essential. The cyclopes assert that all lower levels of Tibidox are literally filled with evil spirits. True, for the time being we’ve managed to hold them in check... I’m sure now you’ll treat my subject much more seriously.”

“Ah! But if the Sinister Gates are opened! ” Verka Parrotova exclaimed in panic.

“It’s impossible, ” Medusa coldly broke her off. “And now all get out your notebooks! ”

With an elbow Tanya unnoticeably nudged Vanka Valyalkin sitting next to her:

“Listen, but indeed Slander and Dentistikha are ‘dark’? Really possible to entrust them to cast spells and place bolts? What if they play on the side of Plague-Del-Cake? ” She whispered.

Vanka pressed his head into his shoulders and fearfully glanced up. Long ago Tanya had noticed that all magicians avoided uttering the name “Plague-Del-Cake” but said “She-Who-Is-No-More.” It is also understandable: who wants something bad to happen to you in the next minute?

“Black magicians fear Her not a bit less than we do, ” whispered Vanka. “She-Who-Is-No-More is for Chaos. You know what she wanted? To free all ancient dark gods imprisoned in Tibidox, to release the spirits of destruction and to absorb their strength into herself. Indeed even she herself was once under Tibidox, but contrived to escape, long ago already, when the shielding magic failed. And where Chaos is, there is already no place for good and evil, there is already nothing, no boundaries. And why Sardanapal allows the ‘dark’ to cast the spells, it’s understandable why: it turns out better with them. The strong spells, they are almost all black magic...”

“Silence! You’ll have the recess to talk! ” Medusa said sternly.

She dryly clicked her fingers, and her assistants brought into the class a wooden box in which something was stirring indignantly. A dark-blue cover was thrown on the box.

“Attention, class! The theme of our lesson today: kikimora and shishiga, First about the shishiga. They are known to moronoids from the earliest times and a lot of blood was harmed by them... Glomov, I would not advise you to pluck at the cover, not having learned the necessary protection spells! Have you forgotten what happened to you last year? If you again grow a second nose on your forehead, I’ll not spend anymore time on it! Let’s continue...”

After the bell when all began to disperse, Medusa called Tanya to herself.

“There is an unpleasant piece of news, ” she said.

“Only one? In my opinion there are lots of them, ” Tanya carefully objected.

Medusa smiled slightly.

“I did not begin to talk about this to the rest in order not to cause panic, but I’ll tell you since I’m sure that you know how to guard secrets... This morning I discovered that the swamp bogey had escaped from my office. It could not run out by itself, someone opened its cage and let it go. All this can mean only one thing — somewhere here in Tibidox, She-Who-Is-No-More has an ally. Someone who wants very much that she would again assume power. It’s he who cut the Hair and let out the swamp bogey... You be careful! ”

Tanya nodded. She already set off toward the door when she again heard the voice of Medusa:

“ Chaos an ancient promise will realize,

And She-Who-Is-No-More from the coffin will arise... ”

Tanya turned around sharply. Now she was convinced that it was known to Medusa that she read the prophecy. But how? Did the genie really tell?

“Take care of yourself! ” Softly, entirely not in the manner that she conducted classes, Medusa said. “I knew your father well and was convinced that in his last minutes he did everything in order to protect you, and to protect for a long time. For this very reason She-Who-Is-No-More retreated for ten whole years. Even now I know her strength is far from being as strong as before. Only don’t lose what Leopold gave you. ” Medusa pronounced the last words especially distinctly.

Tanya tensed up, understanding that with these words Medusa wanted to communicate to her something important. Was she talking about the disgusting old woman who whispered to Uncle Herman in his dream being the one who attempted to take Agukh away from her place?

“But what did he give me? What? ” She asked.

“And you don’t know? ” Medusa uttered with some special expression.

“No. But you? You know? ”

Medusa squinted.

“I surmise what it can be, but I don’t know what it can look like, ” she said and, not adding any more, left the classroom, into which Bab-Yagun just looked, giving Tanya mysterious signs.

* * *

Jumping out into the corridor, Tanya discovered that Bab-Yagun and Vanka Valyalkin were very disturbed by something.

“You know what Shurasik just told us? He was in Professor Stinktopp’s office — he wanted to ask whether he could do seven exercises instead of one. And you know what he saw in Stinktopp’s office? An enormous carrion vulture with a naked neck! Stinktopp called it Lifeless Griffin! When Shurasik saw it, he almost fainted. You know his blackouts. After these little hearts he was so deeply moved that he fainted three times in one day...”

They had hardly mentioned the bird when Tanya immediately recalled the fright, which, having suddenly attacked her in the air, attempted to throw her off the double bass. And what if it was also Lifeless Griffin? If it is living in Stinktopp’s, it means, it also received that order from him. In this case there is no doubt: Stinktopp is the accomplice of Plague-del-Cake.

“Strange joke! ” Vanka continued to discuss. “Stinktopp! We totally forgot about him! Indeed in that conversation I overheard, Medusa and Dentistikha mentioned only Slander and... Sardanapal. But you know, Stinktopp can also be the accomplice of She-Who-Is-No-More! ”

“Listen, was he at the match? ” Tanya asked.

“Ne-a, he wasn’t. I know exactly. His place was empty, later Glomov even made his way to it so that he could see better, ” stated Vanka Valyalkin.

Bab-Yagun and Tanya exchanged glances significantly.

“And indeed the office of Stinktopp is very near the office of Medusa. Along the same corridor, ” Bab-Yagun dropped seemingly by chance.

He said nothing more, but it was also very clear what he had in mind. It would be no trouble at all for Stinktopp to penetrate into the office of Medusa when she was busy and released his own henchman Agukh.

“Yes, Stinktopp is very suspicious. And moreover he’s from the ‘dark.’ With what pleasure today he said that Tibidox does not have reliable magic protection anymore. I think if we make our way into his office at night, then we would learn a lot, ” said Vanka.

“So what’s the hitch? We’ll visit Stinktopp, or we can’t do it? But consider, if they catch us, there will be trouble for sure. They can chase us out of the white magicians and kick us like a soccer ball to the blacks, or deprive us of magic abilities and banish us from Tibidox altogether. Well, yellow soccer shirt? ” Bab-Yagun asked, looking provocatively at Vanka.

“Good! We’ll meet at one in the morning in the living room and go to Stinktopp. But until this time don’t let me see you, granny’s grandson, ” said Vanka and, turning, left — slender and decisive, in his patched and re-patched soccer shirt, which he nevertheless persistently preferred to all local robes. Interesting, why?

Returning to her room, Tanya met Tararakh half way there. The pithecanthropus who taught veterinary magic was walking with a small cage in which sat a homely moulting squirrel holding a golden nut in its paws.

“Woe...” Tararakh said. “Broke its tooth. Gnaws on anything. And indeed a poet even wrote about it...... so merry, how like his moor...”

“Pushkin, ” prompted Tanya.

“Hear-hear... He’s the same, ” Tararakh was pleased. “Didn’t know him personally? By the way, he also came to Tibidox as our guest. No, not as a student, but simply... Sardanapal flew on the carpet for him. Usually they don’t invite moronoids here, but likely made an exception for him... Afterwards, it seems, he composed something about Buyan there...” From time to time Tararakh looked at Tanya’s face and energetically rubbed his forehead with his hand. “Hey, why such a sour look? Spill! ”

Tanya, not able to control herself, described to him the bird with the naked neck in the office of Stinktopp and that it attacked her, attempting to throw her off the double bass.

“No, Stinktopp cannot be the traitor! You rid this from your head immediately! I’ve known him indeed awfully long. And Sardanapal treats him normally...” Tararakh stated categorically. “Well, and that Lifeless Griffin at his place, this has yet to be proven.”

The squirrel began to rush about in the cage. Tararakh pushed a thick finger between the bars and stroke it encouragingly.

“And what’s with it? Always so calm. It seems the tooth hurts... Well, I’m going...”

And the pithecanthropus left, cuddling the cage to himself.

“He doesn’t believe that Lifeless Griffin is in Stinktopp’s... Well fine, but what bird did Shurasik see then? No, nevertheless must have a look in Stinktopp’s, ” decided Tanya.

Entering her own room, she discovered that Coffinia, according to her habit, was lying on the bed. Her mouth was open, and there directly from the window, gliding in the air, chocolates were bouncing, Coffinia clearly stole them from someone by means of telekinesis. For the same business she, by the way, also fell into the “dark” department of Tibidox. True, in the world of the moronoids they called Coffinia by a different name, and she pinched not candies but watches and wallets in the metro, though with the help of the same trick.

When Tanya entered, one of the chocolates suddenly changed direction and tried to cut into her forehead, but, trained by dragonball, Tanya deftly caught it and shoved it into her mouth.

“Thanks, Coffinia! Maybe you’ll slip one more? ” Tanya mockingly asked.

Cryptova did not change position but was clearly agitated.

Having made her way to her bed, Tanya discovered that although the double bass case was standing where it was before, it had been moved to the right approximately the distance of a matchbox. Tanya had a practised eye: not for nothing had she lived for a long time beside Pipa. Tanya opened the case, and her guess was confirmed: someone had been searching her things. It was obvious, although the one who did it tried to hide this as best he could. But some things nevertheless casually changed places.

“Answer me! Did you rummage in my things? ” Tanya asked sternly, leaning over Coffinia.

“Ne-a, there’s nothing for me. I don’t gather rubbish, ” Cryptova declared, wiping her chocolate covered lips with the pillow.

“If not you, then who? You yourself know that no one besides us could get into the room. Here is the boundary spell! ” Tanya did not believe her.

Coffinia burst out laughing:

“And what they only teach you in your white department! Boundary spell — it’s all in a teapot! It suffices to say Fogus sneakus and go in the door back first. The spell will decide that you’re a ghost and will let you pass. Decent spells don’t get mixed up with ghosts. There’s only one trick: when you leave afterwards, on no account touch the handle.”

“So it’s definitely not you? ”

“Bug off! ” Cryptova snapped.

Tanya sighed. Even if Coffinia had done this, it would be impossible to prove anything now. Interesting that they so persistently searched her things? Is it that object which Medusa talked about with such mystery?

Meanwhile Coffinia opened her own wardrobe and took out a transparent box. Inside the box a multicoloured fog was gliding, and a large pink ear was revolving above the box on a short pin.

“What’s that? ” Tanya asked suspiciously. Her roommate stared at her as at a fool.

“It’s a listener, ” She indulgently explained. “It eavesdrops on what’s happening in the world of the moronoids and informs me, my dear... In essence this gadget, of course, catches signals.”

Coffinia flicked on the large ear with a finger, and the ear began to revolve twice as fast. Simultaneously from the box began to pour out a voice which Tanya recognized to be the voice of a popular announcer:

“Now heading the Scandals of the Week. Well-known businessman and politician Herman Durnev completed a very extravagant act. After foregoing the fight on the last stage of the elections, he established the Society of Fans of Rabbit Breeding and took in ninety-two rabbits in his own apartment on Rublev Road. On the screen you see how the rabbits, which Herman Nikitich on principle does not keep in cages, run around the apartment and even drive the whimpering dachshund under the sofa... And here is one more shot: Herman Nikitich drinking water out of one basin with the rabbits while his daughter Penelope puts her feet onto the table in order that the rabbits won’t chew on her slippers...”

Tanya even ran up to the spot, she so wanted to see this, but, alas, she could only hear sound. The listener did not catch images.

“I’m awfully happy. Earlier I was evil and loved no one, but now I’m good: all the wabbits are my fwiends! Each day we go for a walk in the glade! I click my tongue like this: ‘juk-juk, ’ and they quickly wun after me! I’m their big boss wabbit! ” Tanya heard Uncle Herman’s voice sprinkled with happiness and contentment interrupted by the characteristic crunch: obviously Uncle Herman was gnawing on a head of cabbage. The crunch, in turn, was drowned out by something similar to a lion’s roar — it was Aunt Ninel sobbing.

“I would pound these rabbits in the mixer! They tore off all my wallpaper! They don’t like Pipa and me, but walk with their tails behind them like they’re cranky! And look into the bathtub: there they have a bath! ” She began to wail, apparently snatching away the correspondent’s microphone. “My husband went crazy after the disappearance of our foster daughter Tanya Grotter! I was attached to her like a mother... We blew dust off her, and this thankless trash ran off! The political competitors of my husband instigated her! ”

“And my G.P. doesn’t help! ” Pipa sobbed. “And I asked him to smash all the rabbits with his broom! Ah, don’t slobber on my foot, ugly big-ears! ”

Interrupting the broadcast at the most interesting place, Coffinia stopped the revolving ear and shoved the listener into the wardrobe.

“And you, it turns out, are thankless trash! Did they blow the dust off you? Geez, take note of yourself! ” Coffinia said with a sneer.

But Tanya almost did not hear her. She was thinking about something else: it seems, Uncle Herman is finally happy. How important it is nevertheless — to find one’s true destiny! And if he needs money, he will easily be able to be installed in the circus: the rabbits will do anything for him and without any training. And the number can be called, for example, The Big Boss Wabbit.

* * *

Close to midnight Coffinia finally deigned to fall asleep. Waiting till she had fallen asleep, Tanya carefully got up. Black Curtains were about to reach out for her, but, whispering the shielding spell, the girl released a green spark ato them and left the room. Soon Bab-Yagun and Vanka Valyalkin appeared in the drawing room. The grandson of Yagge pulled on himself an odd overall of the most villainous cut with such a hood that it was possible to hide in it not only his head with full round cheeks and hair sticking up like a hedgehog, but if necessary even a knightly helmet with a plume. As far as Vanka was concerned, he did not change clothes at all, remaining all the time in the same customary soccer shirt. On the way Valyalkin finished chewing a cutlet — the only thing, not counting the pickles, that his maimed magic tablecloth knew how to prepare.

Having gone down the stairs, they slipped past the strip of fire in the Hall of Two Elements. Now, when the Hair had been cut, light and dark were not divided as clearly as before: in many places the fire seemingly faded and weakened. Where this happened, obscure dark shadows tried to force their way from the dark side. Bats bumped against the invisible barrier with a sharp squeak, and along the corners ominous yellow eyes twinkled, fading in one place but immediately flaring up in another. The beaming firebirds on the bright side flapped their wings and fluffed up their tails in agitation, splashing rainbow sparks in different directions.

Sensitively listening to each rustle, the friends reached the teacher’s floor, where their way was barred by the ghost, suddenly floating out of the wall, of a moaning lady in a hat with roses.

“Excellent evening, my dears. How’s your health? ” Wringing her hands, she asked hysterically.

Tanya wanted to answer, but Bab-Yagun pulled her by the hand:

“Shh! Don’t take it into your head to talk to her! It’s the Unhealed Lady! If you say a word to her, she will pester you the whole night! ”

“Why do you keep quiet? I asked: how’s your health? Really it’s so hard to answer? ” Lady asked again reproachfully. Her pale, half-transparent face expressed noble bewilderment.

Tanya became uncomfortable, and, despite the warning of Bab-Yagun, growled: “Normal.” In the same moment the face of Lady changed. It swelled up to the dimensions of a good watermelon, the mouth became as wide as the slot of a mailbox, and words fell from her as from a machine gun:

“Normal? And you’re not ashamed! Oh, and here you know... my health is terrible... The entire day today my blood pressure jumps, and after dinner the legs began to go numb. So I think, it’s not good. Someone must necessarily die in the near future. You’ll see! When my legs become numb, without fail someone dies. And for the time being do you want to look at my throat? I’m sure you’ll be deeply affected, how red it...”

“Run! ” Vanka began to yell, and they broke off along the corridor. The Unhealed Lady, not lagging behind, flew right behind and mournfully complained about her ailments, entreating them first to feel her pulse, then to take a look at how limp her tongue was.

Finally, already almost at the very office of Professor Stinktopp, Unhealed Lady detached herself and was drawn into the wall, on farewell calling them hard-hearted fools.

“Why did you start talking to her? ” Bab-Yagun attacked Tanya. “I told you in Russian: don’t answer her! ”

“I thought she would be offended! ” Tanya was embarrassed. Bab-Yagun again began to puff up, clearly intending to have his say, but Vanka Valyalkin decisively broke him off:

“Okay, Yagun, stopped wailing! Must quickly look into Stinktopp’s and get away from here while Unhealed Lady hasn’t brought in anyone. And even in general: Lady is still not the worst choice. She doesn’t completely remember faces, and moreover she has kasha in the head... If we bumped into the Lieutenant, it would be five times worse.”

To get into Stinktopp’s office turned out to be not quite simple. Although the door was not closed, the handle with staggering adroitness slipped away from the hands, and the door itself, as if from laughter, was shaking with small trembling.

“What a beastly trick! And here’s the shielding spell, on top of that how powerful! Not for us to slip in there! ” Bab-Yagun hissed in disappointment.

“Wait, let me! ” Tanya pushed him aside and, whispering Fogus sneakus, she pushed the door with her back.

A spark flew out from her ring, and in the next moment she understood that she was already inside.

“A nightmare! The spark was red! I implemented a spell of black magic! That’s it! I’m going to faint! ” The ring exclaimed in horror.

“You want to faint, so faint! Only keep quiet! ” Tanya snapped.

“Don’t you hurry me! See what kind of hasty person has turned up! When I want, then I’ll faint! ” The ring declared resentfully and in truth either fainted or looked to be so.

Professor Stinktopp’s office was dark and gloomy without a single window. It resembled much more an ordinary pantry. In the stale air spread a musty smell. To the right was a cabinet with magazines of progress of the “dark” department, in which Stinktopp fulfilled the functions of a dean. Despite the fact that the cabinet was locked by several strong spells, the magazines in it were jumping, and, the ink spots, oozing between pages, floated outside, forming words in the air.

Behaviour for the quarter: