Tower of Ghosts

Left alone, Tanya carefully looked around. She was standing on a narrow landing between two stairways: one of them, covered with a red strip of carpet, rose upward, the other, along which Bab-Yagun ran, went downward. Behind her back from the direction of the deaf wall through which they found themselves here, something clanked unpleasantly. Abruptly turning around, Tanya saw a rusty two-handed sword riveted to the wall by a chain from which it was now swinging, and next to it a round shield polished to lustre. Glancing into it, Tanya almost yelled. In the shield she spotted her reflection, only without the head, which, clearly in a chopped off form, was lying at her feet. The shield began to ring scornfully, and the sword rushed at her neck, but, hanging by the chain and not being ale to reach her, was maliciously swinging and rusting from vexation before her eyes.

“Well, stay! ” Tanya said in a trembling voice and began to climb up the stairs.

The red strip of carpet runner slightly shook intermittently under her feet. Moans, an idiotic neigh, slapping of cards, a cat meow reached her from below. However, this was still bearable, but on the other hand quite insufferable was the trick of two black headstones adorning the next landing, on the approach of the girl both at once reflected Tanya Grotter in a shaky Gothic type.

Tanya felt dryness in her mouth. For the second time already they heralded death to her.

“Well okay! Two headstones are too many for one person, ” she said and, energetically shaking her hand, shot an entire shaft of green sparks at the headstones. The letters started to ripple from annoyance and began to jump, shifting places.

Hey, what’s with you? The first headstone reflected.

We’re always so firmly attached! The second explained.

“For such jokes there are open spaces in the stones! ” Tanya muttered. “Better tell me please, where’s the office of Sardanapal? ”

Ahead, was written on the first headstone.

If you don’t die along the way, added the second.

Tanya twirled a finger at her temple.

The headstones lay on the landing of the middle storey of the tower. A long corridor, straight like an arrow, supported by high arches, stretched into the depth of the fortress. Through semicircular stained-glass windows the sunlight broke through, splitting up into bright spots. Tanya took several undecided steps.

Unexpectedly a strange champing sound was heard under her feet. On the floor appeared first a head, then a chest, and then from there emerged a dark-complexioned young person with a dove-coloured nose and in an unbuttoned infantry tunic. Cold and dampness blew from the ghost. The opposite wall vaguely showed through his chest. Tanya jumped aside. If she did not do this, the phantom would pass right through her. He intended to do this, but, becoming interested, stopped and began to examine the girl.

“Oh, a charmer! A newbie in Tibidox! ” He exclaimed in a crackling voice. “And for what, interestingly, did they put you here? Let me guess. Probably magnetized a purse with a glance like those gypsy sisters? Or you’re that person who froze her math teacher? So she must — and so block by block. Let her stay for a bit as Snow Maiden! Again no? Then accidentally burnt with a look the class diary for company and the teacher? Turned grandpa into a zombie for not buying you a bike? Changed candy wrappers into money? Pushed alcoholic papa into the vodka bottle? No? ”

Unexpectedly the dull gaze of the spectre stopped at the tip of Tanya’s nose. His face stretched and rippled.

“Hullo! What do I see? Really you’re that same one? ” He exclaimed.

“What ‘that same one’? I — It’s me. Tanya Grotter. Daughter of Leopold Grotter.”

The ghost grunted with laughter. He quickly stretched out his hand and before the girl had time to move away, flicked her nose with a finger. It seemed to Tanya that a jet of musty icy air was directed toward her birthmark.

“Mille pardon, poor lamb. I simply confirmed whether your birthmark is real. Yes, you’re really Grotter... I don’t believe my eyes! It was extremely foolish on the part of Sardanapal to bring you here precisely now... If he only — ha-ha! — did not want to enlarge his collection of poltergeists...”

“What are you talking about? ” Tanya did not understand.

But the spectre did not begin to explain. He suddenly burst out laughing, and so that his face floated somewhere.

“I’ll go tell everyone that I saw the very Tanya Grotter. I’ll make my friends happy, ” he stated, deftly catching the nose slipping away. “By the way, I have a little request, mille pardon. Will you scratch my back? ”

The ghost turned his back. Tanya covered her mouth with a hand in order to not scream. Not less than twelve knives stuck out from his back.

“So, you’ll not scratch? And you’ll not adjust a dagger? ” The phantom asked, turning his head at an angle unthinkable for a living person.

Not waiting for an answer, he began to neigh foolishly and quickly floated away into one of the offshoots of the hallway, loudly calling:

“Hey everybody! Want a joke? You know whom Sardanapal dragged in? Here’s Tanya Grotter! ”

Deciding that she had had enough contact with ghosts for the time being, Tanya threw herself into a run. Marble statues began to jump into niches, the carpet started to go under her feet. In the central corridor there turned out a set of side stairs, paths, tight holes, and iron lattices, beyond which were clearly secret passages or, at the worst, deserted dungeons. A hard frost blew from one passage, from another damp fall leaves were flung into her face, from the third breathed intense desert heat. From somewhere vague shadows floated out — first a sad lady in an impossible violet hat, then an unpleasant old man with a wrinkled and flabby face, similar to a blown off sphere.

Already convinced that she had long strayed from the path, Tanya rushed along the corridor, dreaming only about one thing — to find a quiet place. She was about to poke into some passage, but in the darkness tires rustled, and a Wheelchair was rolling out towards her. Over the Wheelchair was thrown a dark-blue plaid rug, which stirred in a way as if someone was hiding under it.

Having jumped again into the main corridor, Tanya rushed to run past the cacti sadly blinking human eyes and an enormous crystal coffin quietly swinging on silver chains stretched between two attractive overhangs. Inside the coffin was empty, and only directly along the centre laid a long broom with a label attached: “Broom G.P. full size.” Tanya had neither the time nor the possibility to examine the broom. The Wheelchair with the hooting invisible being was maliciously dogging her steps. It already literally ran into Tanya’s heels and for sure would run her down if the hallway did not begin to suddenly turn steeply, following the whimsical architecture of Tibidox. Here the Wheelchair started to swerve and fell slightly behind.

Having jumping behind the turn, Tanya found herself by an enormous double door, on which were traced two gold sphinxes sleeping. The girl’s thought did not have time to flicker whether this was the door which she was searching for, when above the entrance immediately started to shimmer dazzling fiery letters:

Oh yes! You’re not mistaken! Before you the small modest office of the laureate of the Magic Suspenders Award, life-posthumous head of the school of Tibidox, academician of white magic Sardanapal Chernomorov.

Fearfully listening to the hooting of the phantom and the rustle of the Wheelchair, Tanya began to drum on the door. Both sphinxes at once awoke and started to prepare for a leap. But here the door was thrown open, and the life-posthumous head of Tibidox appeared like a plump duck to meet her. The fragrant beard, first appearing then disappearing, majestically lay on his chest. Both whisker-insurgents were firmly tucked behind the ears and tied in a knot at the back of the head.

“It’s chasing me! Wheelchair! ” Tanya shouted.

Academician smiled soothingly and, getting up to the middle of the hallway, began to wait for the approach of Wheelchair. Several seconds later it darted out from behind the turn and was going to rush forward, but, noticing in its way the stern academician, in a cowardly manner it shied to the side. The invisible being grunted fearfully and, like a bag it collapsed onto the floor, covered by the rug. Meanwhile Wheelchair hurried to filter through the wall. A second later, shyly bent, the rug crawled there.

Sardanapal embraced Tanya around the shoulders like a friend and led her into the office.

“When you next see Wheelchair, Coffin Lid, or Eyeless Horror, don’t take it into your head to run away from them. They’re energy-vampires, only gorge on fear. Enough to simply look at them and say: Briskus-quickus! ” He advised.

Hearing the spell, the invisible being, still not quite hidden, squeaked in horror, and a moment later with loud chomping he was pulled into the granite slabs of the floor.

“Now he won’t leap out soon, ” Sardanapal smiled into the beard.

“Pity I didn’t know about Briskus-quickus earlier. There was such a disgusting... with knives in the back...” Tanya felt sorry, answering his questioning look.

“With knives? So, it was Lieutenant Rzhevskii. Not many like his little jokes, ” smiled the academician.

The inscription did not deceive. The office of academician Sardanapal was in truth modest. In any case, it was not exactly a sports hall. Along the walls in mahogany tubs decorated with small diamonds grew strange palm trees. In transparent glass columns swam bright tropical fishes. Near Sardanapal’s table, representing a strongly reduced copy of a soccer field, was a cage full of magic books, which, indignantly fluttering the pages, continually started to knock against the bars, trying to escape. One book, thick, with yellow parchment sheets, at the same time was striving to become a lizard, but the bars, clamping down, did not let it through.

“Books on black magic. Sometimes needed for removing spells. Could also return them to the library, but, I fear, they won’t get on with the genie Abdullah. Either he will incinerate them or they’ll re-educate him. The genies, they’re nervous, unstable people, ” explained Sardanapal. “By the way, how’s the Reference Book of White Magician? Came in handy? ”

“Yes, I learned the flight spells and spells of passage. True, once Pipa found this book and even there one...” Tanya blurted out and, not being able to maintain, told Sardanapal about Pipa and Lenka Mumrikova.

“Will it be possible somehow to get rid of the fur on her hand? ” She asked.

Sardanapal despondently began to click his tongue.

“I’m afraid we’ll not be able to help. A guard spell cannot be annulled. Any moronoid attacking a magic book grows fur. The hand is still okay. Imagine what it would be if she touched the book, say, with her nose? ”

Unexpectedly it seemed to Tanya that two icy drills bored right through her. Turning around, she saw in a deep armchair a short balding little fellow with closely planted eyes, maliciously sparkling from under patchy grey eyebrows. He was looking at her intently, with almost unconcealed hatred.

“Let me introduce. This is Slander Slanderych. Dean of studies at Tibidox. And this...” Sardanapal started.

“I surmise who this is, ” Slander Slanderych broke in. “Let her tell how she got here? ”

“Eh-eh, as usual... By foot, along the hallway, ” Tanya was at a loss.

“I know perfectly well not on a vacuum! All flight spells are blocked here... I ask, how did you get into Tibidox? Through the gates? ” The piercing look of the dean stuck Tanya on the bridge of her nose.

She hesitated, but, considering that otherwise she would let Bab-Yagun down, answered “yes.” Hearing her “yes, ” Slander Slanderych soared up.

“Not true, you did not pass through the gates! The cyclops would have announced it to me! ” He squealed hysterically. “Either you’ll immediately tell me the truth, or...”

Considering that it was necessary to extricate herself urgently somehow, Tanya looked sorrowfully at Sardanapal and, forcing her gaze to be moistened, she sobbed. She knew well how to solicit pity: life taught her. Chernomorov, feeding the books on black magic with pieces of damp meat, sympathetically roused himself and immediately came to her aid.

“Slander, stop shouting at our guest! Perhaps she truly passed through the gates to here? ” He said.

“You know very well, Professor, that it’s impossible! ” The dean was seething. “Besides cyclops, there is the notify spell! We would find out about this! ”

“What, a spell cannot fail? ”

“Once in a million years! ” Slander Slanderych shouted.

“Here you see, failure nevertheless could happen! In other words, the next million years we’ll be able to sleep peacefully... However, pull yourself together now, but then see how the booklets have become nervous, ” Sardanapal uttered softly, nodding to the cage. The books on black magic threw open the pages and, pressed against the bars, they greedily caught each angry howl of Slander Slanderych, clearly gorging on the negative energy from him.

Seeing that Sardanapal was not on his side, the dean of Tibidox threw another icy gaze at Tanya.

“As if I don’t know: it’s all Bab-Yagun and the hole of his cranky granny! I’ll get to them! ” He hissed and turned away.

Sardanapal affectionately tousled Tanya’s hair. At the same time the beard, until now quietly lying on his chest, made use of the situation and quietly flicked on her nose.

“Well now, my girl, you’re in Tibidox. How’s the first impression? Nice here, true? You’re attached to this place once and for life.” The voice of the academician trembled.

Tanya carefully glanced at his face, checking whether he was joking. To her Tibidox indeed did not quite seem such a strange place.

“Is it true that this is a school for difficult-to-raise magicians? ” She asked.

The academician hesitated slightly.

“Yes... But only you don’t think that this is a colony or penitentiary. Nothing like it. Our task is to help...” he began.

“To help what? ”

Noticing that one of his strings was untied, the academician tied it with a look and whistled for himself an armchair, which ran up to him on short curved legs.

“To find oneself, to develop correctly. You see, capabilities for magic shows differently in different people, but most often unexpectedly. Any boy or girl can live ten or twelve years in the world, born of the most normal parents, and not suspecting this. And then with the coincidence of specific circumstances magic bursts through outward, and they accomplish some such things that a normal moronoid would never do. Well, for example, they transform a pestering neighbour into a parrot or make off with roller-skates through a showcase, moreover the showcase itself, surprisingly, remains whole. They do not even want to steal, but simply the roller-skates — somehow! — jump into their hands from the power of desire... At the same time it is in no way necessary that those boys or girls who accomplish this be from decent families. More often it’s the opposite. Magic abilities come apparently to whomever you want — tramps, a young pickpocket, the worst student in a class. Here we work with such children in Tibidox so that subsequently they would not use their skills for harm...”

“Only they do nevertheless! For this very reason we have a department of black magic here! There we send those who will in no way be kept by the white department, ” Slander added gloomily.

“And the children like to learn? ” Tanya asked with curiosity.

“In various ways! Here everyone has his own talent. Someone can move excellently in space, another passes through walls, a third reads minds or possesses talent for levitation. There are some that for three years cannot master the simplest spells, then without any training put such a curse that we then struggle for two weeks to remove it. We have finally one little glutton who came to us after devouring produce in a supermarket.”

“It happens, ” Tanya said sympathetically, recalling the day-before-yesterday vermicelli of Aunt Ninel.

“You don’t understand, ” Sardanapal became more specific. “He gobbled up ALL the produce in ALL the supermarkets. Furthermore, he devoured the batons of the two guards who tried to stop him. Of course the poor wretch can be excused that until then he was extremely famished — mother and father generally barely fed him, only beat and forced him to beg, but he should still control himself. Now he’s here, you’ll yet to be introduced... Furthermore, we have studying here orphans who find this their native home. We try to seek out a small key to each heart. Indeed magic is extremely dangerous if we use it without control.”

Slander Slanderych snorted mockingly.

“A small key to each heart, quack-quack! ” He mimicked. “There’s no need to fuss with them, with these little old foxes! Roller-skates, you see, jump into their hands. Wings grow on purses! At first it’s nothing, and then — somehow! — from nothing turns out She-Who-Is-No-More! I would handle them differently. Once and for all! I see right through them! ” The cold drill-like eyes of the dean were fixedly set on Tanya, and it seemed to her that in each of his pupils a small skeleton was reflected.

Sardanapal grew red. Hissing, whizzing was heard — and, suddenly taking off, the short-legged armchair together with the academician hovered in the air directly above her head. Tanya understood that the head of Tibidox was letting out steam this way.

“Nonsense, Slander! ” He shouted. “Three hundred times I argued with you and three hundred more times I’ll argue! You think I don’t know what you’re driving at? It’s not possible to subject children to being complete zombies, what they would not be up to! While I’m chief here, I’ll not allow zombies with tin buttons as eyes strolling sedately along the hallways! Or have you forgotten how you came here in childhood and what you were busy with when I found you? ”

“No need, Sardanapal! We came to an agreement! ” Turning pale, the dean shouted, fearfully looking sideways at Tanya. Obviously he was terribly afraid that his secret — interesting, what? — would come out.

The academician did not have time to answer when their conversation was interrupted by a terrible roar. The walls began to tremble slightly from the blows which reached from under the ground. Tanya from surprise shot up on the spot, noticing at the same time that neither Sardanapal nor Slander Slanderych even raised an eyebrow.

“It’s the titans. Cottus, Briareus, and Gyes. Each has a hundred hands, fifty heads, and a huge amount of nonsense. Soon you’ll become accustomed to them. They’re imprisoned deeply underground in a dark, tight, and stuffy cave, ” Slander Slanderych said with a nasty smile.

“And why not let them out? ” Tanya asked. Slander Slanderych biliously glanced at her as if she blurted out the sheerest stupidity.

“Let out the titans? You heard, Sardanapal, what thoughts she has? It’s impossible. They were imprisoned from the moment of the universe by even more ancient gods. If they’re released, they’ll destroy everything here. Even black magicians understand this and don’t risk poking their noses in there. Number one monsters — these are not dragons or evil spirits for you.”

“But from where did the titans come here? ” Just in case Tanya went away from the shuddering wall.

Sardanapal in some confusion scratched his nose.

“You see, Tibidox — it’s not only a school for difficult-to-raise magicians, but also a place of exile of all possible ancient... eh-eh... relics, differently disposed to man, and even to the magicians also. Since these monsters are immortal, then it’s not possible to do anything to them — only possible to imprison them... But don’t you be disturbed. All coins... eh-eh... all these essences are found on the lower levels of Tibidox. They are absolutely not dangerous, but just in case they’re guarded by cyclops and the hero-brothers. Furthermore, we have outstanding magic defence. I developed it myself. It provides for all situations.” Slander Slanderych coughed with malice. “Almost all situations, ” Sardanapal corrected himself, noticing that the dean was prepared to object again. “Many years ago, true, there was an episode when they broke through the defence, but they caught all who escaped then. At least, we think everyone, since, it goes without saying, we could not count precisely how many of them escaped... It’s known to us for certain that until now only one essence is found on the loose, one that presents big... we’ll say frankly, enormous danger... to us all. This essence... I’ll not hide this... it’s Plague-del-Cake-She-Who-Is-No-More.”

Unexpectedly a low whistle was heard. The button on the dean’s collar began to twirl swiftly and started to blink red.

“Slander, your notifier snapped into action again! You turn it off! ” Sardanapal winced.

“I’ll not turn it off! Someone from the evil spirits is again hanging about in the Hidden Basement! And, Grotter, I’ll still settle with you! We’ll return to this conversation! ” The dean promised darkly, looking around at Tanya.

He jumped up and rushed out, slamming the door with such force that one of the half-asleep gold sphinxes fell from it and was forced to clamber back up.

Academician Chernomorov was helplessly at a loss.

“Serious character... But an outstanding man! And what a specialist! ” He said, as if apologizing. “So, Tanya, from now on you’ll study in Tibidox. It’s already unimportant what class you were in among the moronoids. Here it is necessary for you to start everything from the beginning. We have five basic classes, or steps. Strict exams at the end of each year. Then those desiring can enter either Medusa’s department of evil spirits studies, the removal of evil eye, practical magic with Professor Stinktopp, or come to me in the department of the beyond. Even possible to be trained in veterinary magic, that is, to treat unicorns, firebirds, dragons, harpies, Cerberus, mermaids. Here one boy, Vanka Valyalkin, they say, is doing well. He even managed to take a splinter out of the nose of my sphinx, something I myself, must admit, would not dare to do...”

Sardanapal was still saying something for a long time, but Tanya for some reason did not remember his words. Lulled by the monotonic babble of his voice, she felt how her eyelids, growing heavy, closed. The sleepless night, carried astride on the double bass in the icy airflow, had an effect on her.

“Yes, you go and sleep! ” Sardanapal recollected suddenly. “Wait, I’ll now find out where we’ll put you. Today you have work in the second half of the day, but you’ll still have time to have a good sleep.”

Taking a zoomer from the table, he wiped it with his sleeve, and immediately on the bottom of the sheet metal basin flared up the face of Medusa Gorgonova, the associate professor of the department of evil spirits studies. Medusa overslept, and all the snakes on her head, not having time yet to turn into hair, were firmly gathered in a bun at the back of the head. Noticing the academician, Medusa hurriedly threw a kerchief over her head.

“Excuse me, Medusa... I only wanted to ask where we’ll place Tanya Grotter? ”

Medusa answered something, but Tanya could not hear. She could only hear the head of Tibidox. Probably, the sound of his zoomer was tuned to the telepathic channel.

“And there’s no other place? You’re sure? There were still two reserve bedrooms... How were they flooded? Again your experiments on the domestication of mermaids? Everywhere will again smell of fish... Good, I’ll tell her. Bye! ”

Sardanapal wiped off the image of Medusa from the zoomer and turned to Tanya. He was slightly embarrassed.

“Medusa said that all the bedrooms are occupied. You... eh-eh... it is necessary for you to share a room with Black Curtains. If Curtains begin to behave strangely, suffice to say: Briskus-quickus! You’ll manage? ”

“I’ll try, ” promised Tanya, estimating how she would say Briskus-quickus, if Curtains should attack her in her sleep.

“Wait, I’m not yet finished. Possibly, you don’t know, but Tibidox consists of two completely equal parts. We — white magicians occupy one part, and the other... the other, alas, is occupied by black magicians. Usually we don’t interfere in the affairs of each other. We have, to express more clearly, neutrality... So here, to room with Black Curtains is unique in the entire Tibidox, which belongs simultaneously to both the black magicians and us. Therefore your roommate will be a girl from the black. Her name is Coffinia Cryptova. She’s... m-m... a little strange, however, black magicians are all like that... You agree? Then I’m sending sphinx to direct you...”

“Well, if there’s nothing else...” Tanya shrugged her shoulders. She wanted one thing: sleep.

“After Pipa I’ll be surprised by nothing, ” yawning, Tanya thought, and this time she was mistaken.

Soon she would be surprised. And not only surprised.