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CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE






As soon as Jill heard Craig whistling in the kitchen as he piled ground beef into the bowl, she knew the party was a mistake. It would serve no purpose other than to give him false hope that their marriage was salvageable. And it wasn't. But when she pushed open the swinging door to the kitchen and found him there, a baseball cap turned backward on his head, packages of wieners mingled with the ground beef on the counter, she didn't have the heart to say anything. She decided she could play along for a day.

" You're starting early, " she said as she reached for the coffee pot.

" Well, I didn't want you to have to mess with all this." He grinned. " Of course, if you could do your special seasonings thing with the burgers, that'd be great."

She touched his arm. " I tell you what, why don't you go set up the volleyball net and I'll tend to this."

" You don't mind? "

She smiled. " I believe this has always been my job."

" Great. Because I've still got to run to the store and get cokes and stuff."

" Would you like me to make a pitcher of tea? "

" Oh, don't go to any trouble. You know all the guys will bring beer."

" I remember. But I think your mother prefers iced tea."

Craig stopped, his eyebrows raised. " You're worried about my mother? Are you okay? "

Jill laughed. " I just don't want her to have anything to complain about."

" She'll complain that your spicy burgers are too spicy, as always, " he said before closing the door.

" Yes, as always, " she muttered to herself as she assembled the seasonings. And as much as Craig was making this little party out to be no big deal, she was actually terrified of it. There would be questions, she had no doubt. Her absence at the softball games this summer surely raised some eyebrows. And if not that, she doubted seriously that Arlene had been able to keep their marriage problems to herself.

But questions... she wasn't ready to answer any. Would she just pretend everything was fine between her and Craig, just to avoid questions? She shook her head. That would only confuse Craig, Angie... and her in-laws. And that was the last thing she wanted to do.

" I don't want to go to the party."

Jill stared at her daughter, both of them standing with hands on their hips. She cocked her head, her frown as pronounced as Angie's. " You don't have a choice."

Angie stomped one foot, then crossed her arms at her waist.

" I should have a choice. I'm not a child! And anyway, I've been invited to Shelly's."

" Look, I don't want to go to this party any more than you do. But he's making me. So if I've got to go, you've got to go."

Angie stared at her. " Are we going to the lake for fireworks? "

" I suppose so. We always do."

Angie shifted her feet then finally uncrossed her arms. " Can I invite Shelly over here? "

Jill smiled. " Of course. You can invite whomever you like."

They stared at each other for a moment before Angie spoke. " Okay. Well, I might hang around then."

" Good. I'd hate to think you were going to run away from home on the Fourth of July."

Angie smiled. " Well, it is your birthday."

Jill sighed. " Yeah. I'm forty."

" Good God! Forty? Man, you're old, " she said as she fled from the room.

Jill watched the swinging of the kitchen door, a smile on her face. " My daughter is teasing with me, " she murmured. " Whatever in the world is wrong with her? "

" Who are you talking to? "

Jill turned, finding Craig in the doorway, his cap still turned backward. Her eyes widened. " Oh my God. You shaved your moustache."

He laughed. " You'd make a terrible detective. It's been gone all week."

" But you've had it forever. You had it when we met. Why in the world would you shave it? "

He rubbed his upper lip with his fingers, smiling. " I figured I needed a change."

" Well, not that my opinion holds a lot of weight anymore but please grow it back. You look naked without it."

He grinned. " How would you know? You haven't seen me naked in months."

Before she could respond, he was gone, his whistling echoing through the house as he headed upstairs.

" Well, I see you've come to your senses."

Jill lowered her glass of wine. " How so? "

" Or is it just because it's your birthday you agreed to this party? " Arlene waltzed into the kitchen, a huge cake in her hands. " And isn't it a bit early for wine? You don't want to have the guests talking, do you? "

Jill blew out her breath, vowing not to let her mother-in-law get to her today. So she smiled sweetly. " As with everything else, Arlene, it's none of your goddamn business." She had the pleasure of seeing her mother-in-law gasp before walking out to the deck. Craig and his father were measuring off the out-of-bounds lines for the volleyball games. Despite her loathing for her mother-in-law, she'd always gotten along well with Carl. But given the current situation, she wouldn't blame him if he chose to ignore her. He didn't.

" Jill, how are you? "

" Fine, Carl, thanks."

" I'm glad you both decided to have the party. It just wouldn't seem like the Fourth without it."

Jill looked at Craig, nodding at his smile. " So I'm told." She walked out into the yard to join them. " Your mother made a cake, " she said. Then, quieter, " You don't suppose she would resort to arsenic, do you? "

Craig laughed. " I'll eat the first piece."

Jill bypassed the lawn chairs Craig had set out on the deck, choosing instead the more familiar swing. Craig was certainly in a good mood today. So was Angie, for that matter. She wondered if it was only the prospect of the party, or if they thought—since she'd agreed to it—that things were going to return to normal.

She pushed off with her foot, setting the swing in motion, watching them as they marked the lines. Their guests would be here any minute and she still wasn't sure how she was going to play it. Pretend everything was fine, just to avoid uncomfortable questions? In other words, lie. Or be herself and keep her distance from Craig, letting everyone know that the rumors they'd most likely heard were true. Or perhaps she could use her current favorite line—none of your goddamn business.

She smiled, imagining saying that to Whitney Myers, wife of Craig's best friend. Wife, teetotaler and Sunday school teacher. Of all of Craig's friends' wives, she got along well enough with most of them. However, she and Whitney had never hit it off. She always came away with the impression that Whitney was judging her. And finding Jill sorely lacking.

She stood in the shadows of the deck, watching the others as they laughed, their conversations free and easy. With each other, at least. But with her, the conversations had been guarded, forced. She took a deep breath and swirled the wine in her glass, wondering if she dared to open a second bottle.

" Jill? "

She turned, surprised to find Mindy standing behind her, watching. She straightened, moving away from the pillar she'd been leaning against.

" Hey, Mindy, " she said. Then she found her manners. " Are you enjoying yourself? "

" Great party. As always."

" Thanks."

Mindy moved closer, blocking Jill's view of the backyard. Jill assumed she was to have her first inquisition.

" I know we haven't been the best of friends but if you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you."

Jill raised her eyebrows. " Why would I need someone to talk to? "

" Well... you and Craig, I mean, it's no secret you guys are having problems, " she said quietly. " We haven't seen you two out together in ages."

Jill bit her lip, just barely holding back her new favorite response. Instead, she smiled and lightly touched Mindy's arm.

" Thanks for your concern, Mindy, but I'm fine. Really."

" So you and Craig, you're not... well, you're not separating? "

It's none of your goddamn business.

Again she smiled. " Our personal life... well, it's personal. You understand."

" Okay, then." She stepped away. " Good. Well, again, if you need to talk, " she said.

" Thanks. I appreciate it."

But her easy smile vanished as soon as Mindy walked away. These people—these women—who she had called friends, weren't really, she realized. They were just acquaintances she saw sporadically at games and on the rare occasions they shared a meal. And Mindy's offer as a confidant now was based more on curiosity than concern.

And with that revelation came another. She did indeed need to open the second bottle of wine.

" The burgers were great, babe."

Jill flicked her eyes at him, cringing at the endearment she'd grown to detest. " Thanks."

" But you're not really having a good time, are you? "

She smiled. " Why? Can you tell I'm sitting here, praying I get teleported to Hawaii or something? "

" That bad? "

" Craig, I know you want some normalcy in your life but having this party didn't change anything, " she said softly. " I'm sorry."

He shrugged. " Angie had a good time. I haven't seen her this happy in months."

Jill nodded. " I know. And I realize how this is wearing on her. I really do." She took a deep breath. " Maybe it's time we made some decisions instead of continuing like we are, " she said gently.

She saw him swallow, saw his eyes close and she truly felt sorry for him.

" You mean like divorce? " he finally asked.

She nodded but he shook his head.

" I'm not ready to talk about that, Jill. Can we just not talk about that now? "

She nodded again. " Okay, Craig."

He stood. " Do you still want to go to the fireworks? "

" I think I'll bow out, if you don't mind."

He shoved his hands in the pockets of his shorts, his eyes hinting at his inner turmoil. " Sure. I understand. I'll take Angie and her friends then run them home afterward." He motioned to the yard. " Don't worry about all this. I'll clean it up in the morning."

She nodded and forced herself up, forced herself to go through the motions of telling everyone good-bye, and she graciously accepted the words of thanks that were tossed her way as their guests left. And in a matter of minutes, quiet prevailed and she was left alone. Even Arlene left without a parting comment. No doubt she was still smarting from their earlier conversation.

Now alone, Jill went about the task of cleaning up the kitchen and putting away the leftovers. And despite Craig's directive about the backyard, Jill tidied the deck enough so that she could sit in the swing.

And think.

Her wine had been replaced by a bottle of water and she slipped off her sandals, sitting barefoot as she put the swing in motion. Darkness had chased the light from the sky and she knew the fireworks would soon follow. Even now, sporadic bursts could be heard in the distance.

She relaxed for the first time all day, letting the motion of the swing soothe her. Her earlier consumption of wine had mellowed her mood to nearly the point of contentment. So finally, at last, she allowed her thoughts free rein, allowed visions of Carrie to form, to grow... to consume her.

Any doubts that lingered about their relationship were dispelled today. Even though she and Craig were able to function somewhat normally together, were able to talk and tease even, didn't change the fact that she was in love with someone else.

And how it came to be that she could find herself so totally in love with another woman, she didn't have clue. She only knew her heart belonged to Carrie. Not Craig.

With that, she accepted the inevitable.

She would file for divorce.

 


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