Time After Time 3 страница

I know what you’re thinking.” Gus said to me tonight at dinner as I poked at my salmon. I looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.

He finished chewing and nodded. “Uh, Huh. You think he’s gonna fuck him again.”

I nearly choked to death on my rice and I had to take a large gulp of my wine before I could answer.

What the fuck are you talking about? ”

He gave me a weird look.

Dad. You think he’s going to fuck Uncle Mikey again.” He told me matter of factly.

No, I don’t.” I sipped my wine. I had a funny feeling I was going to drink the whole bottle tonight.

Gus laughed. “Listen, I may be 15 but I’m not stupid. I know you. Better than you think I do. And I also know my Dad.”

I looked at him, pushed my plate away and folded my hands on the table.

Fine, Dr. Gus. Tell me your diagnosis.”

He smirked. “You think because Dad is spending all this time with Uncle Mikey because of Uncle Ben they are going to fuck again. Because the LAST time they did was when Grandma died. You think the pain brings them together.” He popped bread into his mouth and chewed with a smug look on his face.

That little shit.

He was right.

I got up quickly and started to clear the table.

I don’t know what you are talking about.” I said quietly.

Of course not. But just…do me a favor, ok? ”

I looked at him from across the counter as I loaded the dishwasher.

Don’t do that thing you do where you hide your feelings so you guys don’t fight. If you’re mad, tell him. If you’re jealous tell him. Don’t bury it and then have it come out 2 years from now and have it end up being a fight about everything and nothing all at once.” His eyes were pleading and I realized in that moment how much Gus needed me and Brian. How I had no idea what he had gone through at Mel and Lind’s but now, the pieces were starting to make the puzzle whole.

Ok.” Is all I answered.

To say I was in utter shock when Brian came in the door at 8: 30 that night would be an understatement. It was a whole 5 hours earlier than he normally comes home. Usually he’s quiet as he comes into the bedroom at 1am, taking off his clothes in the dark and slowly and gently getting into to bed so he doesn’t wake me. No need, Brian. I’m always awake. He touches my back and kisses me in between my shoulder blades on those nights. I stay still. I’m not sure what hurts worse. Him touching me or not touching me.

But tonight he came in and immediately went for the bottle of beam in his office. Gus looked at me, knowing tonight isn’t a good night to be his normal sarcastic and witty self and headed upstairs. I stood in the doorway of his office and lean against the doorframe.

Nice to see you too.” I mumbled.

He turned to me, swallowing a shot and I’m not sure what I saw more of in his eyes. Guilt? Anger? Hurt? Resentment? They all flooded his face and I winced at the emotions.

Did you want something? ” he asked.

Yeah. I think we should talk.”

He sighed loudly. “Not tonight, Justin. I’m not in the mood.”

Brian, we need to talk about this. We haven’t spoken one word about what you said…..”

Did you fucking hear what I said!? I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk. About. It. NOW.” He abandoned the glass and started drinking right from the bottle.

How’s Ben? ” I asked.

He tensed. “No change.”

I nodded and slowly walked to him. He tensed more. It made me sick to my stomach. I stopped.

You don’t even want me near you now? ” My voice shook.

He wouldn’t even look at me.

I want you to know something. And I don’t care if you don’t want to hear it right now. I need to tell you.” My voice was soft. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to hold him. But I didn’t dare. We were teetering on the edge.

I continued. “I didn’t have sex with that model the night of my birthday. We didn’t fuck. He sucked me off in the bathroom. That’s it.”

I saw his knuckles go white around his bottle of beam. His breathing got heavier.

Why the fuck would you think I’d give a flying fuck about that? ” His voice cracked.

You know why.”

He snorted. “Well I don’t. You can do whatever you want Justin. We aren’t monogamous. I never said we were and I’m not going to say we are. Because we aren’t.”

But you said….” You wanted to scream. He said he didn’t want anyone else touching you. He said it. He stood right in front of you and FINALLY said the words you had wanted him to say for 15 years. That he was jealous. That he wanted to be the only one I was with. I always knew it. But he had finally said it.

I was drunk.” He walked to the large window and stared out into the darkness.

And that is when I lost it. That is when everything I had been keeping inside for 15 fucking years poured out of me, through tears and words.

Were you drunk when you fucked Michael? ” I demanded.

He whirled around. “What the fuck did you just say to me? ”

I asked if you were DRUNK when you FUCKED Michael? ” I was in his face now, shaking.

This is what Gus was talking about. I had no idea what we were fighting about. Nothing. And everything all at once.

He didn’t answer me, he just glared.

Did you take his pain away Brian? Did you make him forget? ” I felt sick to my stomach and I was shaking so bad my voice was quivering.

You wanna know if I’m fucking him? ” His voice was monotone. He actually looked calm for a minute.

Well it would make sense since you haven’t touched me in a week. Since you’re never home.” I was being mean. I was being unreasonable. I know this. But at that moment, I didn’t care.

He grabbed me by my shoulders and shoved me against the wall. He was inches from my face. I could feel his breathe on my lips and he was looking at me with the one emotion I fear the most. Disgust. I’d seen this look only one other time before. 13 years ago. On one fateful night where he told me through kisses and gropes and a throw to the floor that he knew. He knew the truth.

He brought his lips into his mouth and I waited. I waited for the explosion.

But it doesn’t come. When he finally spoke his voice was calm and he put his hand on the side of my face.

I’m not the one who cheats, Sunshine. YOU are.”

Chapter 7

“I’m not the one who cheats, Sunshine. YOU are.”

I shouldn’t have said it. If I didn’t want to fight, if I wanted to fix things, I shouldn’t have said it. I should have told him I was sorry I wasn’t home a lot, that I missed him, that I thought about him constantly, and that I was only with Michael because…

Because Michael had sat with me, fifteen years ago. He’d held my hand, and cleaned the blood off my face, and made me eat and sleep, and took care of me. He was there the entire time Justin was in that coma, sitting with me.

But Justin didn’t know that. He didn’t know I’d been there at all. That was the way I wanted it. So I didn’t say that.

Instead, I called him on it.

How the fuck dare he accuse me of cheating on him?!

I’d never lied to him.

Well. Maybe I had. I told him I didn’t care, that I didn’t love, plenty of times. Those were lies.

But I’d never lied to him about something like this. I’d never cheated. I always did what I said. I’d never given him a single fucking reason to not trust me.

So it stung. It felt like he’d stabbed me in the gut when he said it.

“Did you take his pain away Brian? Did you make him forget? ”

It stung. It burned. I felt myself start to tremble with anger.

“What did you say to me? ” Justin asked. His expression was hard, his voice was cold.

Fuck.

“I said, I’m not the one that cheats, ” I spat at him.

He jerked away from me, walking across the room, a hand in his hair. I just stood there, staring at him, waiting for his reply.

“If you’re referring to Ethan, ” he started to say.

I tensed all over at the name.

“That was over a decade ago, ” he said, his voice rising. “I was a KID.”

“And you cheated, ” I replied. “I never have.”

“No, you just fuck around. You fuck anything that moves! ” he shouted.

What the FUCK did he just say?! Those were words I’d heard from people before. But never, ever, ever from him.

Fucking asshole.

“What about you?! You’re the one getting head on his birthday when I’m waiting here! ” I shouted.

“Then why did you wait?! ” he shouted back.

“FUCK IF I KNOW, ” I yelled.

“What do you want from me?! ” he yelled.

“To stop being a jealous little brat! ” I shouted back. His jaw dropped, but I didn’t let him continue. “To stop accusing me of bullshit like cheating on you! I’ve never done that! Besides, as you so kindly reminded me, we’re allowed to fuck who we want! So what if I did want to fuck Michael?! I could, and you can’t say SHIT.”

“THEN DO IT! ” he yelled. I could see him trembling from across the room. “DO IT! ”

“What the FUCK is your problem?! ” I crossed the room in strides and got in his face, still yelling. “Michael is my BEST FRIEND.”

He snorted, giving me a challenging look. “Don’t I KNOW it! EVERYONE does. Michael’s your BEST friend. Michael’s the one you GREW UP with. Michael’s the one you LOVE.”

“WHAT?! ” I gaped at him.

“Just admit it! He’s more important to you than I could ever be! ”

I wanted to punch him. I’d only ever wanted to punch him once before. But I didn’t. I wouldn’t do that. I would never do that. Although, right now, I wasn’t sure he knew that. I suddenly wondered if he knew me at all.

“That’s BULLSHIT, ” I yelled.

“IS IT?! You spend every waking moment with him! You hold his hand, you hug him, you… you KISS him! ”

“Ben could be DYING! ”

“So?! That doesn’t mean you have to stick your tongue down Michael’s THROAT! ”

“FUCK. YOU.” I fisted my hands and my arms trembled. “You KNOW that isn’t true! ”

“Do I?! How the fuck am I supposed to know?! Like you said, we’re NOT monogamous! You can fuck WHO you want, WHEN you want, Michael included, right?! ”

”NO! I wouldn’t DO that, to HIM, or to BEN, or to YOU! ”

“And why the fuck should I believe you?! ”

I couldn’t help it. I was so fucking angry. I was so fucking hurt. The one person who was supposed to know me, and understand me, and really GET who I was, had just spat out every shitty thing I’d thought about myself.

That I was a fuck up. That I couldn’t be relied on. That all I cared about was cock.

“BECAUSE I DON’T CHEAT. I DON’T LIE. I DON’T FUCK AROUND BEHIND YOUR BACK. BECAUSE I’M NOT THE ONE WHO’S A SLUT! ”

He gaped at me.

We both went silent.

My heart raced.

Fuck.

We stood there for a full ten minutes, staring at each other warily, bodies tensed, hearts racing. Finally, he relaxed.

I actually thought he might just laugh, like he always did when we had a big fight, and say something like “Brian, this is stupid, what the fuck are we fighting about? ” and I’d laugh and say “Fuck if I know” and then we’d go to bed and I’d touch him, and kiss him, and it would be okay.

Then he turned, and walked out of the room. I stood there, watching as he walked up the stairs. I stood there, listening as he walked around upstairs. I stood there, watching, as he walked down the stairs with a suitcase fifteen minutes later.

I didn’t move from the spot as he walked to the front door, put on his shoes, grabbed his keys and walked out the door.

What was he doing?

I couldn’t comprehend it.

Why did he need a suitcase?

Then I realized.

Oh. Fuck.

He was leaving.

I jerked forward and ran to the door, flinging it open.

But the car was already halfway down the driveway.

He was gone.

Everything was heavy. It was like gravity had been turned up, and I suddenly found it difficult to move.

He was gone.

I shut the door and stared at it, feeling the reality of it sinking into me.

He was gone.

I turned around slowly, and stared into the empty house, wondering what I was supposed to do now.

He was gone.

“Dad? ”

I turned my head and looked up the stairs to where the voice was coming from.

Oh, fuck. Gus.

He stood there, looking much younger than his fifteen years, arms folded across his chest, a scared expression on his face.

I opened my mouth to say something, to explain, to reassure him.

He’ll be back, I wanted to say.

He just needs to cool off, I wanted to say.

Don’t worry, he queens out like this all the time, I wanted to say.

But I couldn’t. Because I knew the truth. This was it. I’d finally said too much. I’d finally pushed too hard. I knew this day would come. I’d wanted to not believe it. I’d tried to convince myself it wouldn’t. But deep down, I knew.

“He left, didn’t he? ” Gus asked softly.

I could only nod. My head was heavy. I wanted to sit down. I wanted to lay in bed, and hold Justin, and put my hands in his hair.

But he was gone.

Gus gave me the angriest, most hurt look I’d ever seen on his face, and ran upstairs.

I didn’t move until the sound of his door slamming jarred me out of it.

Somehow I made it to my office and retrieved a few bottles of Beam. I put on a record…. Pink Floyd was still in the player. I sat on the floor, leaning against the wall, instead of my chair. My chair was too plush, too soft, too comfortable, for times like this.

And I drank.

“It's weird...you know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just for one more second...just so it can hurt a little more.” –Anonymous

Chapter 8

I’m not the one who’s a SLUT.

And with that, I was gone.

I got in my car, the car he bought me, and left. Packed my suitcase, and left.

I left.

Our home.

Gus.

Him.

I left.

And I felt like I was going to die.

Yes, I said some things I shouldn’t have. But that is what I do. We all know this. Everyone says things about the ‘Brian Kinney operating manual’. Well guess what? Justin Taylor has one too. And Brian Kinney owns the fucking copyright.

So he should know. He should know me. I queen out. I yell. Get jealous. Sometimes even throw things. But I have NEVER EVER said anything to him like he did to me tonight.

Cheated.

Jealous little brat.

Fuck you.

SLUT.

And so I drove. But to where? I couldn’t go to the loft. He’d know I was there. I doubt he would even come after me, but I just couldn’t be around him right now. Not in our home. And not in our old home. I couldn’t go to Debbie’s. Those times had long passed. Deb was gone. Michael’s? Out of the question. Ted and Blake’s? Too weird. Emmett’’s? I honestly didn’t even know where the fuck he lived. So I drove into Pittsburgh, on the outskirts of town and knocked on the door of the only other person I loved with all my heart. Who had been there for me no matter what. Who….would understand.

Jared opened the door and stared at me with wide eyes.

“Justin, man, are you alright? ” His eyes were half shut. Fuck I had woken him up.

“Jared, I’m so sorry. But...I…”

“No, stop, come on in. I’ll get her.”

I stepped into the apartment and dropped my suitcase by the door. I was shaking.

“Justin, what the hell? ” Daphne comes out of the bedroom, dressed in robe, hair messed up. Oh god, I hope they weren’t fucking.

Ew.

“I’m sorry Daph, I just….”

“Shut up.” She wraps her arms around me and hugs me tight. “Come on. Sit down. I’ll get you a beer.” I hear her whisper something to Jared and the sound of bottles clanging together. Jared walks past, smiles at me and disappears into the bedroom.

Daphne sits down hard next to me and shoves a beer at me.

“So? What did he do this time? ” She takes a long gulp of her own beer and looks at me. I have to smile. God, she was awesome. She knew my bullshit. She knew why I did things. She knew me before Brian. She was my best friend….

Fuck.

Well, it’s different. I didn’t stick my tongue down her throat.

Ok, so maybe once but it was a long time ago…

Fuck.

“Hello, earth to Justin. What the fuck, Dude. What’s wrong with you? It’s fucking ten o-clock at night. You show up at my door step with a fucking suit case…..what the hell happened? Is it Ben? ” She looked overly concerned. She looked…scared.

Fuck. I knew the feeling.

“No, Ben’s fine. Well, no he’s not fine, but…No. It’s not Ben.”

“Then what, Jus? ”

I look at her, my eyes pleading with her to read my mind so I wouldn’t have to tell her. To repeat what he had said.

Her expression didn’t change. She could wait all night. Patient little bitch that she was.

Or maybe she was just the greatest friend ever.

I rip the label off my bottle of beer. I fidget when I’m upset. She grabs my hand. She knows that too.

I sigh loudly.

“He called me a slut.”

She crinkles her brow and opens her mouth to say something but no words come out. For once I think I have left Daphne Chander’s, well now Daphne Saunder’s, speechless.

“So you like, left? ” She finally asks.

I nod. She takes a large sip of her beer. I do the same.

“But…” She can’t even find the words. That makes two of us.

“But why did he call you that? I mean…I’m confused.”

“We were arguing. I was complaining he hadn’t been home. He was always with Michael…”

“So you’re jealous? ” I glare at her.

“Well? Aren’t you?? ” She almost smiles.

“Yes ok? I’m jealous. And I feel like a horrible person for it! I mean Ben is DYING and all I can seem to think about is Brian NOT being home and WITH Michael all the time…and them…god…”

“Fucking? ”

I wince. “Yea.”

She nods.

“Anyway...so we said some pretty nasty shit to each other. I accused him of cheating-“

“You’re such an asshole.” She cuts me off and rolls her eyes.

“Fuck you! ” I shove her and she laughs.

It takes me a while and I finally continue.

“Then it was just a lot of yelling and him telling me I was the cheater and then he called me a slut. And then I left.”

“You know people say things they don’t mean when they are angry, Justin.”

I shake my head. “That was like a slap in the face Daph. I mean, ME a SLUT? ”

She looks at me with a cocked eye brow. I hate when she does that. She must have learned that from Brian. I know that had hung out over the 10 years I was in New York. Traitor.

“What? ”

“Justin, you kinda DID cheat on him. And lie. And sneak around behind his back.”

“That was over fucking 10 years ago. I was 19 fucking years old!!! ”

“And? You think that matters in the world of Brian Kinney? Please. I’m not even fucking him and I know THAT much. He was always honest.”

“I know, I know ok? I know I fucked up with the whole Ethan thing, but fuck I thought we were past all that you know? ”

“Well you’re the one accusing him of cheating on you. With Michael of all people.”

“But calling me a slut? Daph, that’s harsh, even for him.”

She shrugs. “Maybe so. Listen, I’m not sticking up for him. You’re my best friend. I’m on your side. He had NO right to say that shit to you.”

“I’m not a slut.” I tell her quietly. But who I am really trying to convince? Her or me?

“Are you leaving? Him, I mean.” She asks me.

“I…I don’t know. I’m not sure if I can forgive him for that. That was…not something I can just forget.”

She pats my leg and stands up. “You can stay here as long as you want. Jared won’t care. He’s cool like that.” She walks over to the closet and takes out a blanket and pillow and throws it to me.

“The couch pulls out.” She scratches the back of her head and looks at me with a soft expression.

“I’ve known you a long time Justin. What, 20 years now? But I’ve also known Brian a long time too. You say you’re not sure you can forgive him. But, what about all the times he’s forgiven you? ” And with that she disappears into the bedroom.

I lie down and let the nights events wrap around me like his arms normally do.

Harsh words.

Suitcases packed.

Leaving Brian. And Gus.

Fuck Gus. What the fuck had I done?

Who knows what my leaving had done to him. I shake my head to try and throw the thoughts of my head. I couldn’t think about him right now. I….FUCK.

I bury my face into the pillow. A pillow without his scent on it. I try to sleep without his body next to mine. But I can’t.

But what about all the times he’s forgiven you?

God, why did Daphne have to be so fucking profound?

***

“Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice.” – Anonymous

Chapter 9

Joey’s dad had been giving me rides home all week, since da… since Justin left, and today was no different. I would go to their house for dinner. Joey and me would play some video games, or read some comics. Then when it got late, Joey’s dad would take me home, to Britin.

Britin. What a stupid name.

Justin was the one who’d named it that. He was the one who named it that, and then left. And what do you know? He’d just done it again.

I’d known about their history before. I knew that dad acted like a jerk, and Justin left, and then they’d do it again. Only that was a long time ago, when I was really little. And the last time he left, he didn’t come back for ten years.

How long was it going to take him this time?

When I got home, I dumped my bag and shoes in front of the door, just like dad hates, just like I did every day. It was a small revenge, but it was all I could do right now. Then, just like every day, I went to his office, to see if he was home.

He was.

It was sort of ironic that once Justin left, dad had started spending more time at home.

As far as I could tell, he went to work, because he had to, and then he’d go see Uncle Mikey and Uncle Ben. Then he’d come home in the evening, and go in his office. He’d put on a shitty old record, usually Pink Floyd, and drink.

“Dad? ” I asked, walking into the office.

Some office. The entire room smelled like booze, and pot, and cigarettes. There were empty bottles on the floor. The sandwich I’d tried to give him the night before was still on its plate, uneaten, and getting hard and gross.

“Dad! ”

His eyes moved to look at me, but the rest of him stayed still. He was leaning against the wall, sitting on the floor, holding a half-empty bottle.

I was really getting sick of this. I was getting sick of the smell, the stress, the fear, and fucking Pink Floyd.

“Dad, how’s Uncle Ben? ” I asked.

He shook his head.

No change, huh? I had to not think about that right now. I couldn’t deal with it. I’d talked to JR on the phone a few hours ago, and as her big brother it was my responsibility to sound cheerful, and reassure her that Uncle Ben was going to be okay. So I had to believe it. I had to.

“Did you eat anything today? ” I sat down next to him and leaned against the wall, too.

He didn’t reply.

Every day he got a little bit worse. Every day he said less. Yesterday he told me that Uncle Mikey had told him to say hi to me. That’s all he’d said, but it was something. The day before, he’d told me to fuck off when I tried to give him dinner, and told me about how Uncle Ben had been looking a little bit better. The day before that, he’d even asked me how school was.

Every day he got a little bit worse.

I’d hoped Justin would come back before he stopped speaking entirely. I’d hoped he’d get over the stupid shit my dad said, and realize he belongs here, and that dad needs him.

But he hadn’t.

“Dad, you have to eat, ” I said.

He didn’t reply.

“Damnit, you can’t starve yourself! ” I kneeled next to him, glaring in his face. “Just because he left, doesn’t mean you can just STOP! ”

He turned his head and looked at me, and I swallowed my tears.

Dad was losing it.

I’d seen him bad, before. I’d seen him on those anniversaries, growing up, that I didn’t understand until this year. I’d seen him when he wouldn’t let anyone else near him, so drunk he was drooling on himself, and ranting about shit I didn’t understand. I’d seen him so depressed he wouldn’t eat anything but bags of pretzels and liquor. I’d seen him puking up the pretzels and liquor hours later.

But those times had only lasted a day. The next day he’d clean himself up, and he’d be okay, and he’d apologize to me in that gruff way he has of doing it.

It had been four days now, and the light in his eyes was fading.

He looked sort of like a zombie.

Normally, I’d laugh about something like that. But right now, it sort of creeped me out. My arms got all goosebumpy and I felt a shudder go down my spine.

“Dad-“ I started to say, but my cel phone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket. It was mom.

“Hey, ” I said.

“Gus, ” she said, sounding relieved. “How are you doing, sweety? ”

“Alright, ” I said.

“And how’s your father, and Justin? ” she asked.

No one had told her Justin had left. I don’t think Uncle Mikey knew. I don’t think anyone knew, except me and dad and Justin, and whoever he was staying with.

I wanted to tell her. The little kid inside me wanted to burst into tears and say ‘Mom, Justin left, and dad won’t talk or eat and I think he might die, I think he might really die this time, mom.’

If I told her that, she’d freak out. She’d call dad and yell. She’d tell everyone and then they’d be on his case. And then she’d take me away from him.

“They’re fine, ” I replied, trying to sound bored.

“We just spoke to Michael. He said they’re giving Ben another physical. So make sure your father has his phone on. If… if they find any changes, they’ll call him.”

“Sure, mom, ” I said. I had to keep it brief. I had to keep it short. I wasn’t as good at bottling my feelings up inside as dad was. I was my mom’s son, too, and she was the one that was around the most. I’d inherited all of her drama and over-emotional crap. I had to keep a lid on it.

“Good night, ” she said. “We love you.”

“You, too, ” I said, shutting my phone.

Fuck.

“That was mom, ” I said.

Dad just looked away.

“She said they’re giving Uncle Ben another physical, checking if he’s getting better. They’ll call if he is.”

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t move.

“Fuck! ” I grabbed his face in both my hands and glared into it. “Snap out of it! You can’t DO this! You can’t fucking… DO this to me! ”

Fuck. My eyes were stinging. I was going to cry. I couldn’t cry. It would just freak him out. I knew dad. If I showed how fucking scared I was, or how hurt I was, he’d send me away. And then he’d lock himself up here, and…