Difficulty knowing how strongly or intensely to ask, or how to say no

Many people also have difficulty determining how intensely to ask for something or say no to a request (Linehan 1993b). For example, there may be times when you ask people for what you want in too subtle or tentative of a manner to be taken seriously. At other times, however, you might say things too strongly or aggressively. The challenge here is to ask people for things in a way that is appropriate for the situation. If you are in a burning building and a large man is blocking the doorway to the only way out, the best option is probably to yell, “Move! ” Quietly hinting (gesturing with your head toward the fire and the escape door) or saying, “Excuse me, would you mind moving? ” is probably not the most effective course of action. On the other hand, if you ask your boss for a raise, you will probably encounter some trouble if you take the same approach as you do with the person blocking the burning building’s escape route.

Over the long run, if you are always really intense in how you ask for things or even in how you say no to things in close relationships, you might find that people tend to burn out. If, however, you always ask or say no in a very timid and tentative manner, or rely on indirect requests and hints, you may not get your needs met, or you might end up frustrated that people don’t seem to understand what you need. The bottom line is that in relationships, it is important to know how strongly to make requests or say no to things: you want to be appropriately assertive rather than either too passive or timid, or too aggressive.

Exercise 4.5 Self-­Assessment: Where Do You Need Help with Interpersonal Skills?

Please answer these questions to determine where you need the most help with your IE skills. Then, add up your total score in each of the following categories.