Benefits of DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

Interpersonal effectiveness skills can help you to improve your interactions, manage and resolve conflict, and get your needs met in a way that empowers you and makes you feel more confident in your ability to deal with people. If, by learning some new skills, you find that you have better experiences with people, you might also improve your social support, feel better about your life, and develop more fulfilling and meaningful relationships. All of these benefits can help you to maintain whatever progress you have made in dealing with your anxiety-­related problems. Here are some additional benefits of IE skills that are a little more specific to anxiety problems:

· Some people with anxiety disorders feel detached from other people. IE skills can help you connect with others and communicate your needs.

· Some people with anxiety disorders may not have much social support, so you can use IE to help establish new relationships.

· People with anxiety disorders may avoid conflict, which means that their needs are not met, and in the end, they feel worse about themselves. IE can help with this.

Exercise 4.6 Steps for Getting Your Needs Met in Interpersonal Interactions

Here is an exercise to get you started with some IE skills. First, think about something that you want someone to do for you. It might be that you want someone’s help or support, or you might want someone to change a behavior (like washing the dishes more often). Choose a situation that is only mildly to moderately distressing or difficult. It’s best to start with less-­challenging situations when you are first learning new skills, just as you wouldn’t choose to brave driving the streets of London if you had just moved to England (where people drive on the left side of the road, shift gears with the left hand, and navigate confusing roundabouts) after living and driving in the United States for many years.

1. Clarify your goals for each interaction. Ask yourself the following: What do I want out of this interaction? What are my goals for this interaction?

2. Develop a script for stating your needs and describing what you want. Make sure to complete all of the following sections.

Explain the situation:

Let the person know how you feel about the situation using “I feel” and “I think” statements:

State your needs and what you want out of the situation. Be as specific as possible:

Clarify up front how this will benefit the other person. Explain why giving you what you need or accepting your request will make things better for the other person:

Identify compromises you are willing to make. Make sure that you have thought about this ahead of time. Even if you don’t have to offer a compromise, it is good to know how much you are willing to bend or give to reach an agreement. Write down the compromises you are willing to make here:

3. Practice this script until you feel comfortable with it. Practice as many times as you need. Try it out in front of a mirror, or with a close friend or loved one. Focus on your nonverbal behaviors (tone of voice, facial expressions) in addition to the words you are saying.

4. When you feel prepared (which does not mean you won’t feel anxious), approach the other person and ask for what you want. Keep in mind that this skill (just like all of the others we have taught you) gets easier with practice. The more you practice asking for what you want in relationships, the more comfortable you will become, and the more likely you will be to get some of your needs met.

Try this exercise and see how it works, but remember one thing: try not to let yourself feel defeated or demoralized if you don’t get what you want out of the situation. In the end, all you can do is your best, and even that will not always mean that things work out exactly as you would like. Even the most interpersonally effective people do not always get what they want. But even if the situation does not go as you would like, if you use these skills, you can take comfort in the fact that you did what you needed to do and were as skillful as possible. And, that can help a lot.