Asking, stating an opinion, or saying no

In DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills (Linehan 1993b), you are taught several primary steps to take to effectively state your opinion, ask for something, or say no to something:

1. Explain the situation to the other person clearly and objectively so that the person knows exactly what the issue is.

2. Let the person know how you feel about the situation using “I feel” and “I think” statements.

3. State your needs and what you want out of the situation as specifically as possible.

4. Clarify up front how this will benefit the other person.

5. Identify ahead of time (just in case you need them) any compromises you might be willing to make to get your needs met (ibid.).

In addition, it is important to make sure that you say all of this in a way that meets your relationship goals, and in a way that doesn’t compromise your values or make you feel bad about yourself.

Let’s say that the situation is that your partner’s job is to do the dishes, and you often come home from a long, hard day of work to find that the dishes are not done. Here is an example of how you might use these skills to communicate your needs regarding the dishes:

1. “I have noticed that the dishes are often not done when I get home from my late-­evening shift on Thursdays” (explaining the situation).

2. “And I feel overwhelmed when I get home late and have to clean up the kitchen” (letting the person know how you feel about the situation).

3. “Please take some time early in the evening to clear the dishes from dinner” (stating your needs and asking for what you want).

4. “If you could do this for me, I would be so much less stressed out” (clarifying how this will benefit the other person).

5. “And maybe I could help you by cleaning up on Tuesdays in return” (stating a compromise you’d be willing to make).

We have a few tips about this way of communicating. First, speak in a way that the other person can understand and will make the person want to listen to you. This means trying your best to avoid talking for too long, or too abruptly or bluntly; to avoid inflammatory language or judgments of yourself or the other person; and to be concise and straightforward. Second, when you describe how you feel, use emotion words such as “hurt, ” “disappointment, ” “sadness, ” “irritation, ” “anger, ” and “annoyance.” Try to use words that match the intensity of the situation (for example, in the preceding scenario, you might describe frustration rather than rage). If you can do so while being true to how you feel, try to use softer emotions (hurt, sadness, disappointment) more often than harder ones (anger, frustration, annoyance). People are more likely to empathize with you if you express softer emotions. You can also express your thoughts, but try to describe them objectively, without using judgments; for example, “I feel overwhelmed when I get home late and have to clean the kitchen.”

Third, stay focused on what you want and don’t get diverted (Linehan 1993b). In interpersonal interactions, it can be so easy to lose sight of your goal or your reason for starting the conversation in the first place. It’s a lot like driving down a freeway toward your destination (your goals) but then inadvertently taking an exit to the middle of nowhere. For example, your partner might say, “Well, you never do the laundry! Why are you always on me about the dishes? ” The skill here is not to be diverted and to return calmly to your request. For example, you might say, “I know what you’re saying, but let’s get back to those dishes on Thursdays. Then, maybe we can talk about the laundry.”

Fourth, do what you can to use the interaction as an opportunity to enhance your relationship. Think of ways to ask for what you want that make the other person feel good about giving it to you. In the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills, you do this by taking a kinder, softer approach and by expressing interest and understanding in what the other person has to say (ibid.). Think about how you might use humor or a lighter, gentler approach when you ask someone for something or refuse someone’s request (ibid.). For example, you might say, “You’re upset that I haven’t done the laundry. I can totally understand that; I know you work hard, and it’s frustrating when I don’t help out. I feel the same way about those dishes.”