Chapter Twenty-Two

ON WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON, Dana borrowed her mother's car and drove into Chicago to visit Sarah. She had no trouble finding the place, a rambling old house that had been converted into apartments, located in a declining section of the city. She lingered in the hallway for a full minute while she searched for the courage to knock on the door to apartment 4B. She'd prayed for this moment and now that it was here and nothing stood between her and Sarah but an old wooden door, she wanted to do an about face and run in the other direction. With her heart wedged in her throat and her lungs so constricted they felt like they'd shrunk to half their normal size, she found the courage to form her right hand into a fist and raise it.

After the first set of knocks, she heard a muted flurry of activity inside and then after several knocks, each one a little louder, the door swung open. A combination of moderate weight gain, fatigue, personal neglect and perhaps a touch of depression thrown in for good measure had altered Sarah to the extend that Dana would not have recognized her if she'd passed her on the street an hour ago. A chubby toddler in pink pajamas, her face and hands visibly soiled, straddled Sarah's left hip.

" Sorry I took so long to answer the door, but I had to straighten the place up a little." Sarah ran her free hand over the surface of her hair as if to smooth it down. " I can't believe you're here. Did you have trouble finding the place? "

" No. Your directions were very clear."

" So, don't just stand there, come on in." Sarah moved aside.

" I assume that's Tori, " Dana said as she squeezed past the two of them and entered the small, shabby apartment. She wondered what Sarah had done to straighten up because the place was a mess and she had to step over a teddy bear and a pile of toys.

" Yep, this is my daughter." Sarah grabbed the baby's chubby hand and waved it at Dana. " Say, hi to Dana, Tori. She's mommy's friend." The baby made a gurgling sound and buried her face in her mother's neck.

" Hi, Tori, " Dana said, feeling more uncomfortable by the second.

" So, you got here this morning? "

" Yeah, just like I told you on the phone."

" That's right. You did tell me that. How's your family doing? "

" They're fine. My mother picked me up at the airport and I had lunch with her and got settled before I drove over here to see you. That's about it."

" What about your sister? How's she doing? "

" Fine, last I knew. She's busy tonight, but I'll see her tomorrow. Mom's having them all over for a family dinner." This small talk was becoming irritating. Sarah hadn't been interested in her or her family since they broke up and now she was full of questions.

" That's nice." Sarah struggled to hold Tori who had started to squirm and whimper. " She needs to go down for her nap. Let me put her in bed so we can talk in peace. I'll be back in a sec, so don't go anywhere." Sarah carried the fussing toddler down a long narrow hallway and into one of the back rooms.

Dana studied the dingy apartment and its sparse furnishings. It was obvious to her that Sarah and her husband weren't doing well financially, although a thorough cleaning and some tidying up would have made a big difference. A thick layer of dust coated every visible surface and the floor was strewn not only with toys, but with wadded-up clothing and God knows what else.

Some framed photos on the top of a bookcase caught Dana's eye and she made her way across the room to look at them. Several were of the baby and some were of Sarah's family, but one picture in particular caught her eye. Sarah was dressed in a white lacey dress and she stood next to Kevin who appeared quite out of his comfort zone in a baggy dark blue suit. Sarah held a small bouquet of flowers in her hands.

Sarah came back into the room and walked over to where Dana stood. She held her arms out. " You didn't even give me a hug, " she complained in a whiny voice.

" I'm sorry." Although it felt inappropriate in view of the situation, Dana faced Sarah and gave her a fleeting hug with as little bodily contact as possible.

" It's good to see you, " Sarah said after Dana let her go. " You look terrific."

Dana still held the picture in her hand and she lifted it so Sarah could see it. " Tell me about this picture. It leads me to think that you and Kevin got married. Did you? " She looked at Sarah and waited for an answer. If Sarah was married, why had she contacted her? What did she want from her?

" Yeah, we got married about a year ago. We had the baby and it kind of seemed like the right thing to do, you know? Besides, our families kept pressuring us to make things legal and tie the knot--for the baby's sake."

" You don't sound like you wanted to marry him."

" Geez, I don't know. I had my doubts, but I did it anyway."

" How romantic. Were you happy before you split up? " Dana asked more out of curiosity more than genuine concern.

" Happy? I don't know, I guess so." Sarah shrugged her shoulders. " Who's happy? "

Dana considered the question for a moment. She was happy. Lately, she'd felt especially happy any time she'd been with Ridley, happier than she'd been in years. " I don't know, but I sure want to be and I'm sorry to hear that you're not." She meant it in spite of all that had come to pass between them. It occurred to her right then and there that she couldn't remember ever having seen Sarah truly happy.

" Our marriage hadn't been going so good. Kevin was out of work most of the time and he got kind of depressed about it, you know? Sometimes he got mean. He had some good jobs, but he hated them and he either quit or he got into trouble. I tried to get him to go and learn a trade like welding or plumbing or something, but he said he hated studying and didn't want to go to school. I think he's just plain lazy."

" That's a shame."

" I know. Last summer, his brother got him a good job doing construction, but he got mad at his boss because of something he said and he hauled off and hit him. He broke the guy's nose and they arrested him for assault, but later they dropped the charges if he promised never to show his face around there again. Isn't that great? "

" Jesus, Sarah, did he ever hit you? "

" Not really. He just used to yell a lot, you know? "

" What do you mean, not really? "

" He almost hit me a couple of times, had his hand raised up and all, but he stopped himself just in time. It was my fault because I made him mad."

" That doesn't sound good." Sarah was talking like a typical victim. Dana had never known that about her, but then she'd never been abusive to Sarah. She wondered what else she hadn't known about her and feared she was about to find out.

" He wasn't always like that, you know? He used to be sweet until we started having money problems. I think his pride was hurt. It was tough on him."

" Why didn't you leave him? " Dana hoped Sarah's answer would not contain the phrase, 'you know', because if she heard her say it one more time, she might have to do something drastic like scream and stomp her feet.

" I almost left him a couple of times, but I couldn't do it, and it doesn't matter now anyway since he already left me. He said he was going crazy and he felt trapped. He couldn't stand the responsibility of supporting me and the baby."

" I know. You told me on the phone. Where is he? "

" He's staying with his parents."

" What about you? Aren't you working or anything? "

" No. That was one of the problems we had. I think he assumed I'd bring in a nice fat paycheck, being a chef and all, but I haven't felt like working since the baby was born. It's too hard on me and I'm not sure I like being a chef."

" You were a certified pastry chef. It would be a shame to throw it all away."

" I just want to stay home and take care of Tori. I just want to be a mother, you know? I don't like having to go to work every day and I never liked working in a restaurant. It's stressful and the hours are too much for me."

" You could make cakes or cookies or something here at home and sell them to restaurants or you could go to gift shops and specialty stores and ask people to display your baked goods and sell them. A lot of people have been successful doing that."

" I suppose I could, but that would be a lot of work, wouldn't it? And I'd have to buy all the stuff and..." Sarah frowned and quickly changed the subject. " Hey! Speaking of restaurants, how's yours doing? "

" Fine. We're full most nights and the reviews have been excellent."

" You must be making good money then, huh? "

Sarah waited for a reply, but when she didn't get one, she asked, " Where is it? "

" The money? "

" No." Sarah put her hand over her mouth and giggled. " The restaurant."

Dana didn't laugh because nothing about their conversation amused her and she was getting angrier by the minute. She answered Sarah's question about the location of Café De Marco, but she didn't go on to tell her anything else about the restaurant.

" You always told me you wanted to open one there."

" I know and I'm glad I did. I love it there, " Dana said, owning the truth of her statement. " Do you remember my friend Tracy? " After Sarah bobbed her head to indicate she did, Dana went on to tell her, " She's my sous-chef and she lives in my building."

" Are you and her together? I mean, is she your girlfriend? "

" She's my best friend, not that it's any of your business. Why would you ask me that? Since when did you become so interested in knowing about me? "

" I just wanted to know. I feel bad about what happened." Sarah took an interest in the floor and bent to pick up a dust ball. She rolled it into a tight ball and dropped it. " And I feel bad about what I did to you."

" You feel bad? " Dana laughed under her breath. " That's a good one. I thought we had a future and you were ruining it right under my nose. You treated me like I was nothing to you. When I found you in our bed making love with Kevin, my heart was broken." At last they were talking about the things that mattered and Dana thought something might get resolved.

" Shit, Dana, I never intended to hurt you, " Sarah said.

" I thought I knew your intentions at the time, but you know what they say about the road to hell." Dana cleared a pile of clutter from one of the chairs, sat in it and squeezed her eyes against a burgeoning headache. All the energy had been drained from her body and she felt like a rag doll. " Look, Sarah, why don't you just cut to the chase and tell me why you asked me here? I've already had a long day and my patience is wearing thin."

" Uh, I..." Sarah stammered as she sat in another chair across from Dana's. She lifted her pleading eyes. " I thought I meant something to you once and I thought, you know, that you could help me and the baby out until we get back on our feet."

" Help you out how? " Dana asked, although she already knew.

" Well, I don't have enough money to pay the rent this month and I'm already two months behind. My parents gave me money a few times and they've flat out refused to give me anymore. They think I should get a job."

" Interesting thought. What about Kevin, or his family? "

" He's broke and his parents don't have a lot of money. They told him he could stay with them until he gets a job and that's all they were willing to do for him. I think he'll come back to me and Tori once he cools down."

" Let me see if I have this right. You want me to give you my hard earned money and then you want to wait and see if he comes back? "

" Well... yeah, that's right, " Sarah confirmed.

Dana met Sarah's eyes. " And here I thought you wanted to resolve some issues and maybe talk about getting back together again." Did Sarah detect the sarcasm in her words? Dana had only been with Sarah a short time and that was all it had taken to convince her that she'd never go back to Sarah. Not in a million years.

Sarah's eyes were cold. " I'm not a lesbian, Dana. You should have figured that out by now. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but I don't want to go back to that kind of lifestyle. I cared about you, but I never enjoyed the sex all that much. As far as I'm concerned, we were just experimenting like lots of young people do."

" You sure seemed to enjoy it well enough at the time, although looking back on it I'd have to agree that it wasn't the best sex I've ever had. It was limited and we were pretty immature." Dana paused to think about what she would say next. " So, let's get back to business, shall we? Just to make sure I heard you correctly, let me go over this. You asked me to come here so you could ask me to take care of you and your baby? "

" Just for a while, until I get back on my feet."

" You mean until you're through with me again? " Dana flicked a piece of something white from the arm of her chair. " And why would you think I'd want to do that? " At this point she was egging Sarah on, but she didn't give a damn. In fact, she was deriving pleasure from it.

" I don't know. I'd pay you back."

" Sure you would." Dana stood up and brushed off her pants. " What a waste of an afternoon. I don't know why I didn't see this coming."

" So you're not going to help me out? " Sarah asked.

" No, I'm not. I can't believe I ever had a relationship with someone like you in the first place. You don't know who you are or what you want and if you ask me, it sounds like you and Kevin are perfect for each other." Without hesitation, she walked toward the door, her eyes on the floor so she wouldn't trip over the clutter.

Sarah sprang up from the sofa. " Wait. You don't have to get so angry."

" You don't think so? " Dana stopped and turned. She knew her eyes were sharp and her tone sharper, but she was beyond being civil. " I do have some advice for you, though, and it's free of charge. Go live with Kevin's parents and let them take care of him and you and their grandchild. If that doesn't appeal to you, go home to your own parents. I am not willing to take care of you and some man's baby. If I ever decide I want a baby to take care of, I'll have one of my own with my lesbian partner."

" You don't even have a lesbian partner, do you? "

" Wouldn't you like to know? You have no idea what I do or don't have."

" This is just like you Dana. You were so sure you could turn me into a lesbian just because you got me to fool around with you, but it didn't work, did it? I always preferred men and I always wanted to get married and have children. You couldn't give me those things and I couldn't stand to go through life feeling abnormal."

" Lucky for you, you don't have to." Dana swept her hand across the front of her body in an all-encompassing gesture. " It looks like you've got everything you bargained for and more." With her hand gripping the door knob, Dana paused to say a few parting words. " I'm glad I came to see you. I got the closure I needed and I finally got you out of my system. Thanks for showing me your true colors once again." She opened the door and stepped into the hallway. " One last piece of advice. If you need rent money, get a job and earn it... you know? "

Sarah stood in the doorway with her mouth hanging open. " Wait, I..."

" Don't call me or contact me again." Dana hurried down the hall and never looked behind her as she made a hasty retreat to her car. Relief and shame washed over her all at once. How could she have been with someone like Sarah? Something must have been seriously wrong with her to make her fall in love with a woman like that.

During the drive to her mother's house, she thought about being with Sarah. The sex had been tentative and groping at best and nothing like the passionate sex she'd had with Ridley. After seeing Sarah and listening to her, Dana knew that Sarah had never truly loved her and she doubted that she had ever loved Sarah. She had wasted so much time hanging onto something that had never really existed.

Even though they were hundreds of miles apart, she felt warm all over remembering the love in Ridley's eyes and the tenderness in her touch. It was something she'd never felt from Sarah, or from anyone else. The more she thought about Ridley, the more she realized she missed her.

As soon as Dana pulled into her parents' driveway and turned off the car, she doubled over with an attack of laughter as she pictured her life with Sarah and the baby. She pounded her fists on the steering wheel and guffawed so hard tears fell down her face. With each labored breath, she blew another memory of her past with Sarah right out the car window where it was carried all the way to Lake Michigan by the famous Chicago winds. It felt good to say goodbye.

As she sat behind the wheel of her mother's Toyota, she made a few decisions. There would be no more secrets and no more lies in her life. She would never be friends with anyone who didn't accept her for who she was and she would never be involved with any woman who wasn't sure of her sexuality. And she swore to tell her family she was a lesbian before she stepped on the plane that would take her home to Philly.